你在看土著裸女?不,你看是只豬我知道,但你看它身上這么多疙瘩愛米麗的表弟把我掃地出門了什么?為什么?房東是我妻子的表弟我又離婚了,這種情況下房東也許會要求把房子收回去好過分!你沒簽租約?“一家人”簽什么租約?你跟我們一起住好了,我們照顧你只要你需要但答應(yīng)我們,一旦你情緒好轉(zhuǎn)我們就要取笑你的頭發(fā)可以謝謝,非常感謝我又要去收拾行李了一直搬來搬去我簡直像個游牧民族的了!他以為你說你像個“生殖腺”假如餐廳都像你這里這么干凈,我就失業(yè)了拉瑞!衛(wèi)生督察掙傭金的嗎?不,是拿賄賂可以笑嗎?可以,我是在開玩笑好我去檢查廚房地板請便!隨便查!好!我的——你的拉瑞?我是想讓他檢查我的廚房地板98分!扣掉你兩分是因為你沒帶廚師帽。違反了第5條規(guī)定拉瑞廚師手冊第5條是我寫的只要出了廚房,帽子帶不帶無所謂!你的帽子呢?在廚房里我去拿!這兩分她丟定了你自己寫的書也不讀仔細!你看到帽子在廚房里知道她進去拿的時候頭上會沒有帽子你像偵探一樣擅長推理!是嗎那樣我就能當(dāng)你的助手了我可以叫芳達也許我能約芳達吃頓飯?她一定很高興的因為你挑的都是干凈館子電話聯(lián)絡(luò)好他真有趣!謝謝你莫!愛米麗一事以后,羅斯怎樣了?興致不大高不過他能應(yīng)付等等,你不會想——別亂想,我跟羅斯不可能從頭來過了他會頹廢好一陣子的另外,我不追剛離婚的男人對,你只追快結(jié)婚的男人兩磅爪哇摩卡咖啡是丹尼你們后來約會過沒?不曉得!約會一次后,他就再沒給我打過電話走廊里碰見他,我們眉來眼去,我非?!缓笫裁匆矝]發(fā)生嘿喔,很渴對吧?我在周六開派對慶祝喬遷之喜有趣我很期待再見他沒打算邀我們我懂了他不約我,是想讓我約他你不會屈尊的哦?當(dāng)然那樣他就占上風(fēng)了他借“開派對”為幌子向我發(fā)出邀請的信號弄巧成拙呀根本沒有派對?有,但是控制權(quán)我們兩個都想爭取,懂了嗎?哦那他不邀你參加派對,倒是因為他喜歡你?正確羅斯嘿,室友你把家里弄成這樣,我很高興箱子是太多了很感謝你們收留我沒問題對了,既然你要住一段時間-不如把你的名字添到電話答錄機?-好!希望你們不介意我已經(jīng)加上了聽 “我們會!”“我們會回電話!”好呀帥!你也是假笑,對吧/笑假淚真你今晚很美再給我看看徽章嘛炫!我去洗手,你不介意吧?我下班直接過來的,這雙手不知摸過哪里呢職業(yè)病-我們走!-為什么?經(jīng)過廚房時,我看到了10個違例我要把這地方關(guān)掉!-你有這么大的權(quán)利?-這個徽章有關(guān)了這家餐廳!你在做什么?沒你在建堡壘嗎?差不多吧我的天!羅斯的空氣凈化機!大學(xué)四年,我一直聽它嗡嗡嗡老兄,你可以時不時出去溜達溜達我討厭這玩意兒羅斯是我們的朋友他現(xiàn)在很需要我們成熟一點,來,到堡壘里看電視我想邀請你去參加派對謝謝,我們會去的我想我會很忙是嗎?我不是有特別活動嗎?什么活動?賽舟會你會劃船?不,我觀戰(zhàn)-希望明晚見到你-好-再見他果然用這招對吧哪一招他不是邀你去派對,你不是得償所愿?但他最后一刻才邀我假如我答應(yīng)他會知道我除了等他的邀請以外再無事可做但我拒絕了這讓我爭回了上風(fēng)哦,這下該他接球了(這下該他犯難了)球,哪來什么球喬伊,別鬧了抱歉孩子們好,-來玩足球機吧!-好把桌子搬到我房間這里全是紙箱子我有個問題這個手勢啥意思?再見,小木偶喬伊的手?不,是讓我靜一靜!手勢是這樣的吧我不知道我還能忍受多久他用錄著《海灘救生隊》的錄影帶去錄昆蟲秀!我的天!要是色情片呢也會被他洗掉的!這是挺難的不過和羅斯,我大學(xué)時代也忍過來了那我再忍忍-我們玩吧-好-不!-進了!-伙計們他得搬走有吃的嗎?我去Johnos買雞,那里關(guān)門了我?guī)Ю鹑コ燥?,但那里違規(guī)了所以我們勒令他們停業(yè)假如他把我們最喜歡的館子都關(guān)掉,那我們上哪兒吃東西?那去干凈館子?也好!是丹尼別讓他進來!我現(xiàn)在應(yīng)該在賽舟會的我們馬上過來你就不能說賽舟會會晚點舉行嗎什么賽舟會會在晚上舉行無中生有那種-我想要個杓子,你們有嗎?-有派對上見你知道拉瑞會怎么告別嗎?他會說,勺子再見我看完了。你要嗎?體育?國際?公寓出租?我要體育版我先看好吧,我看國際版那也是我的我是意大利人我看公寓出租版吧不過這版從來就沒什么好看的第7頁呢?沒錯,這里有個地方價錢挺合適兩個睡房,離工作地點近5星期后出租圈上的那處呢?當(dāng)工作室有點貴了但可以馬上入??!不是嗎對我們馬上去看房-走吧!-好!伙計們,能給空氣凈化機換新過濾器嗎?畢竟我們都用 “快”走!我的天!看!你的廚房兼浴室太好了!你人在浴缸里都能煮飯!有人動心了我們?nèi)タ雌渌胤剿懔宋覀兘又野傻@地方現(xiàn)在就能入住你也不希望再跟我們擠五個星期吧你們要我租這里?完美!你說呢廚房兼浴室明白了我下樓去填表我們是壞人他知道我們要趕走他了我們也在廚房擺個浴缸好嗎準(zhǔn)備好去吃飯了嗎好了到你想去的比克街的意大利餐廳好嗎?我喜歡那家!還是算了那去Mama Lisettie?好呀牛奶擺多久了?別這樣,這地方是非常衛(wèi)生的牛奶是我的今天買的牛奶因為我渴了走吧嘿,伙計衛(wèi)生條例第11條第2點規(guī)定倒垃圾必須從后門走,不知道嗎?那我就得從干洗部繞過去貪方便不顧衛(wèi)生?夠了,拉瑞你就只當(dāng)拉瑞、別老想著衛(wèi)生督察的職責(zé)好嗎?開始還覺得到處查封館子挺刺激的但現(xiàn)在……我們上哪兒吃飯?那我就給他個警告算了謝謝你還不快溜!假如飯后你還想抓人我知道有個賣熱狗的家伙愛挖鼻孔也許我們干了件好事幫助羅斯獨立那地方不錯雖沒有壁櫥,但他能把東西裝袋,掛在窗外我們該怎么辦?我不知道吃比薩怎樣?是說對羅斯!是那個公寓的管理處打來的羅斯填表時證明人一欄寫的我們倆羅斯人很好,他很可靠他有只大狗,很大一直吠到深夜哎,誰不愛狗呢他還是個踢踏舞者對,有人會認為那是過時的藝術(shù)他還是個皮條客!對,他是個皮條客對啦,他是個跳踢踏舞的皮條客糟糕,行不通的,他就在那兒走過去打個招呼我要到樓下再上來假裝剛從賽舟會回家去引開他、不許太騷玩得開心嗎派對很棒食物可口大多的派對都只有薯片和色拉薯片和色拉你在吃什么?色拉那這是什么?面包-你不是廚師嗎?-嘿,瑞秋對了,今晚你開派對你看來不錯啊!真高興你趕回來賽艇會總要結(jié)束的別走開、我很快回來嘿,現(xiàn)在球在哪一邊了?不是說沒有球嗎?得了,他很高興我來了他還叫我別走開這種暗示不是很明顯嗎?這是我朋友,湯姆這是我跟你提過的女孩是嗎!你還跟別人提起我呢你們倆一定能一拍即和我要回派對了你在Bloomingdale's上班嗎?我媽媽管那里叫小名兒Bloomies稍息,戰(zhàn)士!什么?別再裝蒜了湯米,我全明白你是丹尼的舵手,對吧?你們是最鐵的哥們,死黨我去找朋友談?wù)勀闳ジ愕呐笥颜劙扇ジf”做得不錯”他不斷找人來約我兵來將擋,我可不怵我想喝一杯走吧98,99,100!好,走吧我好得很再來房子沒租到申請有問題開玩笑?但菲比說我能到她那暫住你不能跟菲比一起住我們是室友我不占你們的空間我們地方夠大!音響那邊還空著呢求你,留下來你們確定嗎?-確定!-留下吧說我是皮條客沒關(guān)系有的時候我是很討人嫌但你們跟我談?wù)劸托辛宋夷芨牡粑业膲牧?xí)慣看來你今天收獲不小啊不覺得牛仔帽有點太過分?來,很好玩的!好!是女人的帽子?伙計,別說廢話了給我們來點茶吧!
The One Where Ross Moves In
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Why?
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: You got it.
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]
Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
(Phoebe laughs.)
Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Yum-my!
Monica: Larry?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door…)
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Monica: Hmm?
Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try…
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
(Danny enters.)
Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny: (To them) Hey!
Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel: Yeah.
Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party.
Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
Rachel: Exactly.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.]
Joey: Ross?
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
Joey: Hey, all right!
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]
Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
Phoebe: Shiny.
Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!
Phoebe: Why?!
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)
Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
Joey: (smiles) Kinda.
Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!
Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]
Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?
Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.
Danny: Really! You-you sail?
Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.
Monica: Okay.
Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)
Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.]
Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)
Joey: Sorry.
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh…
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
(They go into his bedroom.)
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?
Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!
Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
Chandler: Okay.
(They start playing.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no!
Joey: YES!!
Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.
Joey: Um-hmm.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Monica: I don't know, clean places?
Joey: Umm, yum!
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!
Monica: The fake kind!
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: Okay, great!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.]
Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?
Ross: I'll take sports.
Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)
Ross: All right. Uhh, international.
Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page 7?
Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're—hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is.
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)
Ross: Okay, let's go.
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: There we go!
Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker.
Joey: Yeah!
[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]
Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
Joey: Yeah.
(He looks at them.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: Oh, it's perfect!
Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.
(He exits.)
Chandler: We are bad people.
Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]
Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.
Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!
Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Joey: Yeah!
(Pause.)
Chandler: What are we gonna do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!
Joey: Oh! Oh!
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
Chandler: Ohhhhh!
(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]
Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!
Monica: Just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
(Monica obeys.)
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey! What's going on?
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Danny: Salad.
Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)
Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
Danny: Hey! Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)
Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?
Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?
Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!
Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?
Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."
(He walks off.)
Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
Rachel: Yeah!
(They go get a drink.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]
Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!
Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)
(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)
Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!
(Ross enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.
Joey: You're kidding!
Chandler: You're kidding, no!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So…
Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!
Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Are you guys sure about this?
Joey: Definitely!
Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross: All right.
Joey: All right!
Chandler: All right, buddy!
Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).
(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
(Chandler does so.)
End