伍迪單口相聲精選 第5期:機械物體Mechanical Objects

Someone asked me if I would tell this story. Along time ago...It's a wierd story.

有人問我會不會說下面這個故事。那是很久以前的事了，一個很詭異的故事。

It was out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with avery big Hollywood producer, and at that time hewanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musicalcomedy out of the Dewey Decimal System.

這事發(fā)生在洛杉磯，我要去和好萊塢的一個大制片人會面。當時，他想用“杜威十進制系統(tǒng)”【1】精心制作一部立體聲寬銀幕的喜劇歌舞片。

And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown LosAngeles, and I walk into his elevator, and thereare no people in the elevator, no buttons onthe wall or anything.

他們想讓我來參與制作。我來到位于洛杉磯城中心的制片人大樓，我走進電梯，電梯里沒一個人，壁面上也沒有任何按鈕之類的東西。

And I hear a voice say, "Kindly call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone.

我聽到有個聲音說：“請說出你要去幾層。”我環(huán)顧四周，只有我一個人。

And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principleand it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there.

我一下驚慌起來。我在墻上讀到個說明，這是一種新式電梯，按聲控原理工作，完全交給聲音來控制，我只要報出想去的樓層，它就會送我上去。

So I say, "Three, please", and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three.

于是我說：“請到三樓。”電梯門合上了，開始上升來到三樓。

And on the way up I began to feel very self-conscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight NewYork accent, and the elevator spoke quite well.

在這過程當中，我一下覺得很不好意思，因為我想我說話的口音帶著點紐約腔，而電梯的發(fā)音卻相當純正。

I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard theelevator make a remark.

我走出電梯來到過道上，我回頭看了一眼，我想我聽到它在發(fā)表評論。

I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, you know, and I...didn'twanna get involved at the time with an elevator in Hollywood.

我馬上轉(zhuǎn)過身。電梯關(guān)上了門，往樓下開去，你知道，我可不想在那樣的場合和好萊塢的一部電梯產(chǎn)生紛爭。

But - this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part - I have never in mylife had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort. Anything that I can't reasonwith or kiss or fondle, Iget into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise forsome reason.

但這是那次之行的奇怪部分，剩下的事情還都正常。我這輩子和任何種類的機械物體都處不好關(guān)系。任何東西只要是我沒法與其講道理的、不能讓我親吻或愛撫的，我都會遇到麻煩。我有一個時鐘不知什么緣故是逆時針走的。

My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it.

我的烤面包機會把我的面包片彈出來，一邊抖一邊燒。

I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water.

我恨死我的淋浴器了，我正在沖澡，有個美國人也在用水。

That's it for me, you know, I leap from the tub scolded.

我一下就受不了了，你知道，我從浴缸里一躍而出，全身多處燙傷。

I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes "Iknow, I know."

我還有臺錄音機，花了我150美元買的，當我對著它說完話后，放出來的聲音卻是：“我知道了，我知道了。”

About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore.

大概三年前左右，我終于再也忍受不下去了。

I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions.

有天晚上在家里，我召集我所有的物品開了個會。

I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender.

我把我擁有的每一件東西都搬到了客廳，我的烤面包機、我的時鐘、我的攪拌機。

They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke.

它們以前從沒進過客廳。我向它們發(fā)表講話。我以一個笑話開場。

And then I said,"I know what's going on, and cut it out!"

然后我說到：“我知道你們是怎么回事，別再瞎胡鬧了!”

I have a sun lamp, but as I sit under it, it rains on me.

我有一盞太陽燈【2】，當我坐在它下面時，它會用雨水淋我。

And I spoke to each appliance, I was really articulate.

然后我找每一件器具談話，我非常善于表達。

Then I put them back, and I felt good.

完事后我又將它們歸于原位，我感覺好多了。

Two nights later I'm watching my portable television set, and the set begins to jump up anddown, and I go up to it. And I always talk before I hit.

兩天后的一個夜晚，我正看著我那臺便攜式電視機，它卻開始上下跳動起來，我朝它走了過去。我動手之前總是先動口。

And I said, "I thought we had discussed this, what's the problem?"

我說：“我想我們之間已經(jīng)好好談過了，這又是怎么回事?”

And the set kept going up and down, so I hit it, and it felt good hitting it, and I beat the hellout of it.

那臺機子還在那兒上下跳動，于是我就揍了它。揍它的感覺爽極了，我狠狠的揍了它一頓。

I was really great, I tore off the antenna, and I felt very virile.

我真的很厲害，我一把扯掉它的天線，感覺自己特威猛。

And two days later I go to my dentist in New York. I had gone to my dentist, but I had a deepcavity, and he'd sent me to a chiropodist.

兩天以后我要去紐約城里找我的牙醫(yī)，之前我去看過牙醫(yī)，因為我的牙齒蛀了個大洞，可他卻讓我去看手足病醫(yī)生。

I'm going into a building in mid-town New York, and they have those elevators, and I hear avoice say,"Kindly call out your floors, please."And I say, "Sixteen." And the doors close and theelevator starts going up to sixteen.

我走進位于紐約城中心的一幢大樓，那里面裝有電梯，我聽見一個聲音說：“請說出你要去幾層。”我說：“十六層。”門關(guān)上了，電梯開始向上面的十六層開去。

And on the way up the elevator says to me "Are you the guy that hit the television set?"

在半途中電梯問我：“你是不是打電視機的那個家伙?”

I felt like an ass, you know, and it took me up and down fast between floors, and it threw me offin the basement. It yelled out something that was anti-semetic.

我立馬傻了。電梯載著我在上下樓層之間快速顛簸，然后將我扔進了地下室。它還咆哮出一些反猶太主義言論。

The upshot of the story is, that day I called my parents, my father was fired.

故事的結(jié)局是那天我打電話給我父母，我父親被解雇了。

He was technologically unemployed. My father had worked for the same firm for twelve years.

由于技術(shù)上的原因他失業(yè)了。我父親為這家公司干了12年。

They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget, this big, that does everything my fatherdoes, only it does it much better.

他們解雇了他，代替他的只是一個小小的部件，就那么一點兒，它可以承擔起我父親做的所有事，而且做得更好。

The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

更加郁悶的是，我母親也跑出去買了一個。

【1】杜威十進制圖書分類系統(tǒng)由美國圖書館專家麥爾威·杜威于1876年發(fā)明，對世界圖書館分類學有相當大的影響。在這里打趣了降噪音的“杜比數(shù)字系統(tǒng)。

【2】模擬太陽紫外線，可以用來室內(nèi)日光浴。