散文佳作108篇 第27期:西式幽默 Western Humour

Western Humour

馮驥才

Feng Jicai

學(xué)院請(qǐng)來(lái)一位洋教師，長(zhǎng)得挺怪，紅臉，金發(fā)，連鬢大胡須，有幾根胡子一直逾過(guò)面頰，挨近鼻子，他個(gè)子足有二米，每迸屋門(mén)必須低頭，才能躲過(guò)門(mén)框子的攔擊，叫人誤以為他進(jìn)門(mén)先鞠躬，這不太講究禮貌了嗎?

Our institute employed an English teacher. He looked very strange red-faced, golden-haired,with a thick growth of whiskers that reached all the way to the nose. He was really tall– no lessthan six foot five. When he came in through the door, he had to lower his head to avoidbanging against the door frame. It looked as though he always bowed to you at the door andthat was much too polite.

頂怪的是，他每每與中國(guó)學(xué)生聊天，聊到可笑之處時(shí)，他不笑，臉上也沒(méi)表情，好象他不喜歡玩笑;可是有時(shí)毫不可笑的事，他會(huì)冷不防放聲大笑，笑得翻江倒海，仰面朝天，幾平連人帶椅子要翻過(guò)去，喉結(jié)在脖子上亂跳，滿(mǎn)臉胡子直抖。常使中國(guó)學(xué)生面面相覷，不知這位洋教師的神經(jīng)是不是有點(diǎn)問(wèn)題?

What was more, he never laughed, when he chatted with his Chinese students on amusingstories, nor did his face show any expression as if he knew no sense of humour. However,when it came to topics of the most dull nature, he would burst into uncontrollable laughter,roaring while rocking in his chair, almost falling flat on his back, his Adam’s apple dancing up anddown in his throat and his whiskers fluttering all over his face. The students would then look ateach other, wondering if he was in his right mind.

一天，洋教師出題，考察學(xué)生們用洋文作文的水準(zhǔn)，題目極簡(jiǎn)單，隨便議論議論校園內(nèi)的一事一物，褒貶皆可。中國(guó)學(xué)生很靈，一揮而就，洋教師閱后。評(píng)出了最佳作文一篇，學(xué)生們聽(tīng)后大為不解，這種通篇說(shuō)謊的文章怎么能被評(píng)為“最佳”?

One day he set the students an essay to see how well they could write in English, the topicbeing A Comment on Life on the Campus-it her complimentary or critical. That was simple.And his students, quick at writing, finished it at one go and turned it in no time. He wentthrough the papers and picked one that he thought the best. When he read it out to thestudents, they were greatly perplexed. Of all the comments, why did he like this one best, Nota single word of it was true.

原來(lái)這篇作文是寫(xiě)學(xué)校食堂。寫(xiě)作文的學(xué)生來(lái)自郊區(qū)農(nóng)村，人很老實(shí)，膽子又小, 生伯得罪校方，妨礙將來(lái)畢業(yè)時(shí)的分?jǐn)?shù)、評(píng)語(yǔ)、分配工作等等，便不顧真假，胡編亂造，竭力美化，唱贊歌。使得一些學(xué)生看后慣慣然?？墒?hellip;…洋教師明知學(xué)校食堂糟糕透頂?shù)臓顩r，為什么偏要選這篇作文?有人直問(wèn)洋教師。

It was about the campus cafeteria and the author was a peaceable and timid guy from a villagenear the town. In order not to offend the school authorities — a decisive factor: concerninghis final grading, evaluation and, above; all, where he was to go after graduation — he hadmade up a high-sounding story in praise of the cafeteria regardless of reality, thus making hisClaSS- mates very angry. The teacher was as well aware of the cafeteria’s terrible conditions,but why should this piece in particular have appealed to him so much, Someone asked.

洋教師說(shuō)：“這文章寫(xiě)得當(dāng)然好，而且絕妙無(wú)比。你們聽(tīng)一一”他拿起作文念起來(lái)，“我們學(xué)校最美的地方，不是教室，不是操場(chǎng)，也不是校門(mén)口那個(gè)帶噴水的小花壇，而是食堂。瞧，玻璃干凈得幾乎叫你看不到它的存在——。”洋教師念到這兒，眼睛調(diào)皮地一亮，眉毛一挑，“聽(tīng)聽(tīng)，多么幽默!”

“This is undoubtedly a good one,” the teacher insisted. “Unprecedentedly good! Just listen –”He began to read. “‘The most beautiful spot on campus is not the Classrooms, nor the sportsground, nor the small lawn with a fountain at the school gate; it is our cafeteria. Look! Thewindows are so clean , that you scarcely notice any glass on them’ –” “He paused, his eyesflashing with a glint of humour and his brows shooting upward. “Listen! Isn’t it humorous?”

幽默?怎么會(huì)是幽默大家還沒(méi)弄明白。

Humorous? But what was humorous about it? The students were hard put to it.

洋教師接著念道：“如果你不小心在學(xué)校食堂跌了一跤，你會(huì)驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)你并沒(méi)跌跤，因?yàn)槟闵砩习朦c(diǎn)塵上也沒(méi)留下;如果你長(zhǎng)期在學(xué)校食堂里工作，恐怕你會(huì)把蒼蠅是什么樣子都忘了……”洋教師又停住，舌頭“得”地彈一聲，做一個(gè)怪臉說(shuō)，“聽(tīng)呀，還要多幽默，我簡(jiǎn)直笑得念不下去了。”

“If you were not careful enough,’” the teacher read on, ‘”and had a fall on the floor, you wouldbe amazed to find that you had not fallen at all because you did not get a single particle of duston your clothes. If you had worked in the cafeteria long enough, you would have forgotten whata fly looks like … ” He paused again, his tongue clicking admiration. Working up a very funnyexpression on his face, he went on, “Listen, please! Could anyone else have made it morehumorous?” He laughed so hard that he could scarcely continue.

學(xué)生們忽然明白了什么。

By now the students seemed to be cottoning on.

洋教師一邊笑，一邊繼續(xù)往下念：“食堂天天的飯菜有多么精美、多么豐富、多么解饞!只有在學(xué)校食堂里，你才會(huì)感到吃飯是一種地道的享受……”

The teacher went on his reading punctuated by fits of laughter .”How wonderfully is the foodcooked here! What a great variety of dishes you have here and how well your appetite issatisfied! In fact it is only at the cafeteria of the institute that you eating enjoyable….”

忽然，學(xué)生們爆發(fā)起大笑來(lái)!

Suddenly the students laughed, rocking the classroom with their laughter.

依照這種思維，我們會(huì)從身邊發(fā)現(xiàn)多少聰明、機(jī)智、絕妙、令人捧腹的好文章啊!

Following this logic, God knows how many articles we would be able to produce, articles thatare just as well-worded, quick-witted, artfully-conceived and set you rolling with laughter!