《渺小一生》:這個夜晚很熱，潮濕無風(fēng)

　 But he didn’t see it like this. He knew it was in part JB’s way of being ironic, of congratulating him for fortune that they both knew was, yes, excessive but also deeply appreciated. And if he was to be honest, he was also flattered by JB’s jealousy: to JB, he wasn’t a cripple who was being cosmically repaid for a lousy run; he was JB’s equal, someone in whom JB saw only the things to envy and never the things to pity. And besides, JB was right: How did he get so lucky? How did he end up with everything he had? He was never to know; he was always to wonder.

但他不是這樣看的。他知道在某種程度上，兩人都知道杰比帶著諷刺恭喜他幸運的方式太過頭，但也充滿了賞識。如果要他老實說，他也覺得能被杰比嫉妒很榮幸。對杰比來說，他不是個童年不幸、成年后得到大量補償?shù)娜匙樱凰徒鼙仁瞧降鹊?，從他身上，杰比只看到令人羨慕的事，從沒看到令人憐憫的事。此外，杰比說得沒錯：他怎么會這么幸運？他怎么會到頭來擁有這一切？他從來不明白，總是在納悶。

　 “I don’t know, JB,” he said, handing him the first slice of cake and smiling at him, as from the dining room, he could hear Willem’s voice saying something, and then a blast of laughter from everyone else, a sound of pure delight. “But you know, I’ve been lucky all my life.”

“不知道，杰比，”他說，遞給他切下來的第一塊蛋糕，露出微笑，同時聽到餐廳里傳來威廉說話的聲音，其他人隨之笑起來，那是一種純粹喜悅的聲音?！暗悄阒?，我一生都很幸運。”

　 3

3

　 THE WOMAN’S NAME is Claudine and she is a friend of a friend of an acquaintance, a jewelry designer, which is something of a deviation for him, as he usually only sleeps with people in the industry, who are more accustomed to, more forgiving of, temporary arrangements.

那個女人名叫克勞汀，是一個泛泛之交的朋友的朋友，做珠寶設(shè)計。這對他來說偏離常態(tài)，因為他通常只跟圈內(nèi)人睡覺，圈內(nèi)人讓他比較習(xí)慣、也比較容許臨時安排。

　 She is thirty-three, with long dark hair that lightens at its tips, and very small hands, hands like a child’s, on which she wears rings that she has made, dark with gold and glinting with stones; before they have sex, she takes them off last, as if these rings, not her underwear, are what conceal the most private parts of her.

她33歲，一頭深色長發(fā)，尾端發(fā)亮，還有一雙很小的手，像小孩一般，上頭戴著好幾枚她自己做的戒指，鑲著黯淡的黃金和發(fā)亮的寶石；他們上床前，她會到最后才摘下那些戒指，仿佛遮蓋她最私密部分的不是內(nèi)褲，而是這些戒指。

　 They have been sleeping together—not seeing each other, because he sees no one—for almost two months, which again is a deviation for him, and he knows he will have to end it soon. He had told her when they had begun that it was only sex, that he was in love with someone else, and that he couldn’t spend the night, not ever, and she had seemed fine with that; she had said she was fine with it, anyway, and that she was in love with someone else herself. But he has seen no evidence of another man in her apartment, and whenever he texts, she is always available. Another warning sign: he will have to end it.

他們一起睡覺將近兩個月了，不是約會，因為他不跟任何人約會。這對他來說也是偏離常態(tài)，他知道自己得趕緊結(jié)束。剛開始，他就跟她說他愛的是另一個人，而且他不能過夜，一次都不行，她好像也都接受；她說她沒問題，反正她自己也另有意中人。但他在她公寓里沒看到另一個男人的痕跡，而且他每次發(fā)短信，她總是有空。這是另一個警告，他得趕緊結(jié)束才行。

　 Now he kisses her on her forehead, sits up. “I have to go,” he says.

這會兒他吻了她額頭一下，坐起身來?！拔业米吡恕！彼f。

　 “No,” she says. “Stay. Just a little longer.”

“不要，”她說，“留下來。再待一會兒。”

　 “I can’t,” he says.

“沒辦法?！彼f。

　 “Five minutes,” she says.

“五分鐘?！彼f。

　 “Five,” he agrees, and lies back down. But after five minutes he kisses her again on the side of the face. “I really do have to go,” he tells her, and she makes a noise, one of protest and resignation, and turns over onto her side.

“那就五分鐘?！彼饬?，往后躺回去。五分鐘后，他又吻了她臉側(cè)一下?！拔艺娴姆亲卟豢闪??！彼嬖V她。她發(fā)出一個聲音，抗議又認命，轉(zhuǎn)身背對他。

　 He goes to her bathroom, showers and rinses out his mouth, comes back and kisses her again. “I’ll text you,” he says, disgusted by how he has been reduced to a vocabulary consisting almost entirely of clichés. “Thank you for letting me come over.”

他到浴室沖澡，漱了口，又回來吻她一次?！拔視侔l(fā)短信給你?！彼f，很受不了自己講的話簡直老套到了極點，“謝謝你讓我過來?！?

　 At home, he walks silently through the darkened apartment, and in the bedroom he takes off his clothes, gets into bed with a groan, rolls over and wraps his arms around Jude, who wakes and turns to him. “Willem,” he says, “you’re home,” and Willem kisses him to cover the guilt and sorrow he always feels when he hears the relief and happiness in Jude’s voice.

回到家，他悄悄走過黑暗的公寓，來到臥室，脫掉衣服，上了床，轉(zhuǎn)過去兩手抱著裘德，裘德醒來轉(zhuǎn)向他?！巴?，”他說，“你回家了?！蓖橇怂?，以掩飾自己的內(nèi)疚和哀傷——每次他聽到裘德聲音里的放心和快樂，就會覺得內(nèi)疚又哀傷。

　 “Of course,” he says. He always comes home; he has never not. “I’m sorry it’s so late.”

“當(dāng)然了?！彼f。他總是會回家，從來沒有不回家。“對不起，這么晚才回來。”

　 It is a hot night, humid and still, and yet he presses against Jude as if he is trying to warm himself, threading their legs together. Tomorrow, he tells himself, he will end it with Claudine.

這個夜晚很熱，潮濕無風(fēng)，然而他還是緊貼著裘德，仿佛想取暖似的，兩人的雙腿交纏。明天，他告訴自己，他就會跟克勞汀結(jié)束了。

　 They have never discussed it, but he knows Jude knows he is having sex with other people. He has even given Willem his permission. This was after that terrible Thanksgiving, when after years of obfuscation, Jude was revealed to him completely, the shreds of cloud that had always obscured him from view abruptly wiped away. For many days, he hadn’t known what to do (other than run back into therapy himself; he had called his shrink the day after Jude had made his first appointment with Dr. Loehmann), and whenever he looked at Jude, scraps of his narrative would return to him, and he would study him covertly, wondering how he had gotten from where he had been to where he was, wondering how he had become the person he had when everything in his life had argued that he shouldn’t be. The awe he had felt for him, then, the despair and horror, was something one felt for idols, not for other humans, at least no other humans he knew.

他們從來沒討論過，但他知道裘德知道他跟其他人上床。裘德甚至主動先同意了。在那個可怕的感恩節(jié)假期之后，經(jīng)過多年的含糊其詞，裘德終于對他揭露了所有的過去，之前總是把他遮掩得模糊不清的云朵突然被一掃而空。有好幾天，他都不知道該怎么辦（除了自己也跑去做心理咨詢；裘德跟婁曼醫(yī)生訂下第一次約診的次日，他就打電話給自己的心理醫(yī)生了），而且每次看著裘德，他會想到裘德講的那些片段，然后他會偷偷打量他，很好奇他怎么會從當(dāng)年那樣變成今天這樣，很納悶他怎么能克服一切逆境、變成今天這樣的人。他對他的敬畏、絕望和恐懼，是對偶像才會有的，不是對另一個人類，至少不是他認識的人。

　 “I know how you feel, Willem,” Andy had said in one of their secret conversations, “but he doesn’t want you to admire him; he wants you to see him as he is. He wants you to tell him that his life, as inconceivable as it is, is still a life.” He paused. “Do you know what I mean?”

“我知道你有什么感覺，威廉?！卑驳显谒麄兊哪炒蚊孛苷勗捴姓f，“但他不希望你佩服他；他希望你看到他表面的樣子。他希望你告訴他，盡管他的人生難以想象，但那依然是一種人生。”他暫停，“你懂我的意思嗎？”

　 “I do know,” he said.

“我懂?！彼f。

　 In the first bleary days after Jude’s story, he could feel Jude being very quiet around him, as if he was trying not to call attention to himself, as if he didn’t want to remind Willem of what he now knew. One night a week or so later, they were eating a muted dinner at the apartment, and Jude had said, softly, “You can’t even look at me anymore.” He had looked up then and had seen his pale, frightened face, and had dragged his chair close to Jude’s and sat there, looking at him.

裘德剛說出自己故事的接下來幾天，他可以感覺到裘德跟他在一起總是非常安靜，仿佛試著不要引起注意，不想提醒威廉他現(xiàn)在知道了什么。大約一個星期后的某個夜晚，他們在公寓里沉默地吃著晚餐，裘德忽然輕聲說：“你現(xiàn)在根本沒辦法看我了?！彼ь^，看到那張蒼白、恐懼的臉，于是把椅子拖近，坐在那里看著他。

　 “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m afraid I’m going to say something stupid.”

“對不起，”他喃喃說，“我是怕自己說出什么蠢話。”