《渺小一生》:我準備好了，他說，我準備好了

　 Back at the house, the beating continued, and over the next days, the next weeks, he was beat more. Not regularly—he never knew when it might happen next—but often enough so that coupled with his lack of food, he was always dizzy, he was always weak: he felt he would never have the strength to run again. As he feared, the sex also got worse, and he was made to do things that he was never able to talk about, not to anyone, not even to himself, and again, although it wasn’t always terrifying, it was often enough so that he lived in a constant half daze of fear, so that he knew that he would die in Dr. Traylor’s house. One night he had a dream of himself as a man, a real adult, but he was still in the basement and waiting for Dr. Traylor, and he knew in the dream that something had happened to him, that he had lost his mind, that he was like his roommate in the home, and he woke and prayed that he might die soon. During the daytime, as he slept, he dreamed of Brother Luke, and when he woke from those dreams he realized how much Luke had always protected him, how well he had treated him, how kind he had been to him. He had limped to the top of the wooden staircase then, and thrown himself down it, and then had pulled himself up and had done it again.

回到屋里，他繼續(xù)挨揍，而且接下來幾天、幾星期，他也挨了揍。不是每天（他從來不知道下次會是什么時候），但是夠頻繁，加上缺乏食物，他總是覺得暈眩、虛弱，他覺得自己再也不會有力氣跑了。一如他所害怕的，性交的狀況也惡化了，他被迫去做一些他永遠無法說出口的事，對任何人都沒辦法，甚至連對自己都沒辦法。而且同樣地，盡管不是每次都很可怕，但也經(jīng)常發(fā)生，讓他一直處在半暈眩的害怕狀態(tài)，他知道自己會死在特雷勒醫(yī)生的屋子里了。有天夜里，他夢到自己變成大人，真正的成年人，但還是在地下室里等特雷勒醫(yī)生，而且在夢里他知道自己出事了，他已經(jīng)瘋了，就像他在少年之家的室友那樣，于是醒來時他祈禱自己趕快死掉。白天睡覺時，他夢到了盧克修士，醒來后他才明白盧克以前一直多么護著他，對他有多好，他一直對他那么仁慈。然后他踉蹌爬到木階梯頂端，往下摔，接著爬起來，再摔一次。

　 And then one day (Three months later? Four? Later, Ana would tell him that Dr. Traylor had said it was twelve weeks after he had found him at the gas station), Dr. Traylor said, “I’m tired of you. You’re dirty and you disgust me and I want you to leave.”

之后有一天（三個月后？四個月后？后來安娜告訴他，特雷勒醫(yī)生說那是他在加油站發(fā)現(xiàn)他之后的第十二周），特雷勒醫(yī)生說：“我厭倦你了。你好臟，讓我覺得惡心，我希望你離開。”

　 He couldn’t believe it. But then he remembered to speak. “Okay,” he said, “okay. I’ll leave now.”

他不敢相信。但接著他才想起要說話?！昂冒?，”他說，“好吧，我現(xiàn)在就離開?！?

　 “No,” said Dr. Traylor, “you’ll leave how I want you to leave.”

“不，”特雷勒醫(yī)生說，“你會照我希望的方式離開?！?

　 For several days, nothing happened, and he assumed that this too had been a lie, and he was grateful that he hadn’t gotten too excited, that he was finally able to recognize a lie when he was told it. Dr. Traylor had begun to serve him his meals on a fold of the day’s newspaper, and one day he looked at the date and realized it was his birthday. “I am fifteen,” he announced to the quiet room, and hearing himself say those words—the hopes, the fantasies, the impossibilities that only he knew lay behind them—he was sick. But he didn’t cry: his ability to not cry was his only accomplishment, the only thing he could take pride in.

接下來好幾天，什么事都沒發(fā)生，他猜想特雷勒醫(yī)生又在撒謊了，還很慶幸自己沒有太興奮，慶幸他聽到謊言時終于有辦法辨認了。特雷勒醫(yī)生開始用當天的報紙裝食物給他，有天他看著上頭的日期，發(fā)現(xiàn)是他的生日?！拔?5歲了?！彼麑χ察o的房間說，聽著自己說這些話，他很想吐——只有他知道這句話背后的種種希望、種種幻想、種種不可能。但他沒哭：練出不哭的能力是他唯一的成就，是他唯一值得驕傲的事。

　 And then one night Dr. Traylor came downstairs with his fire poker. “Get up,” he said, and jabbed him in the back with the poker as he fumblingly climbed the stairs, falling to his knees and getting up again and tripping again and standing again. He was prodded all the way to the front door, which was ajar, just slightly, and then outside, into the night. It was still cold, and still wet, but even through his fear he could recognize that the weather was changing, that even as time had suspended itself for him, it had not for the rest of the world, in which the seasons had marched on uncaringly; he could smell the air turning green. Next to him was a bare bush with a black branch, but at its very tip it was sprouting buboes of pale lilac, and he stared at it frantically, trying to seize a picture of it and hold it in his mind, before he was poked forward.

然后有天夜晚，特雷勒醫(yī)生帶著他的撥火棒下樓?！捌饋怼！彼f。他笨手笨腳地爬上樓梯，跪倒又起來，又絆倒，再爬起來，醫(yī)生一直用撥火棒戳他的背部。他一路被戳著來到前門，門微微開了一條縫，他走出去，進入夜色中。外頭還是很冷、很濕，即使在恐懼中，他還是看得出氣候正在變化，即使時間對他而言停止了，但對世界的其他部分并非如此，季節(jié)依然無情地往前走；他聞得出空氣變綠了。他旁邊是一叢只剩黑色樹枝的灌木，但尖端剛冒出有如淋巴腺腫一般的淡紫色新芽，他狂亂地瞪著，想抓住那個畫面留在心中，接著又被戳著往前走。

　 At the car Dr. Traylor held open the trunk and jabbed him again with the fire poker, and he could hear himself making sounds like sobs, but he wasn’t crying, and he climbed inside, although he was so weak that Dr. Traylor had to help him, pinching the sleeve of his shirt between his fingers so he wouldn’t have to actually touch him.

來到汽車旁，特雷勒醫(yī)生打開后行李廂，又用撥火棒戳他，他聽到自己發(fā)出類似啜泣的聲音，但是沒有哭。他爬進去，他很虛弱，還要特雷勒醫(yī)生幫著他，手指捏著他的襯衫袖子，以免碰到他。

　 They drove. The trunk was clean and large, and he rolled about in it, feeling them go around corners and up hills and down hills, and then along long stretches of plain, even road. And then the car swerved left and he was being bounced along some uneven surface and then the car stopped.

車子往前行駛，后行李廂又大又干凈。他在里頭滾動，覺得他們轉(zhuǎn)來轉(zhuǎn)去，上坡之后又下坡，然后走過一長段又直又平的路。接著車子往左轉(zhuǎn)，經(jīng)過一片崎嶇不平的路面，好不容易才停下來。

　 For a while, three minutes—he counted—nothing happened, and he listened and listened but he could hear nothing, just his own breaths, his own heart.

有好一會兒，他數(shù)了有三分鐘，什么動靜都沒有。他努力聽了又聽，但是什么都聽不到，只聽到自己的呼吸聲和心跳聲。

　 The trunk opened, and Dr. Traylor helped him out, plucking his shirt, and shoved him to the front of the car with the fire poker. “Stay there,” he said, and he did, shivering, watching the doctor get back into the car, roll down the window, lean out at him. “Run,” the doctor said, and when he stood there, frozen, “you like running so much, right? So run.” And Dr. Traylor started the engine and finally, he woke and ran.

后行李廂打開，特雷勒醫(yī)生抓著他的袖子幫他爬出來，用撥火棒把他推到汽車前面?！按谀抢铩！彼f。于是他站在那里，全身發(fā)抖，看著醫(yī)生倒車，搖下車窗，探出頭來看著他。“跑?！贬t(yī)生說，看他還呆站在那里，“你不是很愛跑嗎？那就跑啊?！比缓筇乩桌蔗t(yī)生發(fā)動引擎，終于，他醒悟過來開始跑。

　 They were in a field, a large barren square of dirt where there would in a few weeks be grass but now there was nothing, just patches of shallow ice that broke under his bare feet like pottery, and small white pebbles that glowed like stars. The field dipped in the middle, just slightly, and on his right was the road. He couldn’t see how big the road was, only that there was one, but there were no cars passing. To his left the field was fenced with wire, but it was farther away, and he couldn’t see what lay beyond the wire.

他們在一片田野里，一大片空蕩不毛的泥土地，再過幾個星期就會長滿青草，但現(xiàn)在什么都沒有，只有一片片薄冰在他的赤腳底下宛如陶片般破裂，還有小小的白色圓石有如星星般發(fā)亮。這塊田地中間稍微低一點，田地右邊是馬路，他看不到那條路有多大，只知道有條路，但沒有車子經(jīng)過。田地左邊圍著鐵絲網(wǎng)籬笆，但是太遠了，他看不到籬笆后面是什么。

　 He ran, the car just behind him. At first it actually felt good to be running, to be outdoors, to be away from that house: even this, the ice under his feet like glass, the wind smacking against his face, the tap of the fender as it nudged against the back of his legs, even all this was better than that house, that room with its cinder-block walls and window so small it was no window at all.

他奔跑著，那輛汽車緊跟在他后頭。一開始，能夠奔跑、能夠來到戶外、能遠離那棟房子的感覺其實很好，即使是像眼前這樣，腳底下的冰像玻璃，狂風猛撲著他的臉，汽車保險桿不時輕推一下他的雙腿后方，即使這一切，都要好過那棟房子，好過那個以煤渣磚砌墻、窗子小得根本不算窗子的地下室。

　 He ran. Dr. Traylor followed him, and sometimes he would accelerate, and he would run faster. But he couldn’t run like he used to run, and he fell, and fell again. Each time he fell, the car would slow, and Dr. Traylor would call out—not angrily, not even loudly—“Get up. Get up and run; get up and run or we’re going back to the house,” and he would make himself stand and run again.

他奔跑著。特雷勒醫(yī)生跟著他，有時會加速，他就跑得更快。但他沒法跑得像以前那樣，他跌倒了，然后又跌一次。每回他跌倒，車子就會減速，特雷勒醫(yī)生就朝他喊——沒生氣，甚至也不大聲——“起來。起來繼續(xù)跑；起來繼續(xù)跑，不然我們就回屋子里?！庇谑撬谱约赫酒饋碓倥?。

　 He ran. He didn’t know then that this was the last time in his life that he would ever run, and much later he would wonder: If I had known that, would I have been able to run faster? But of course it was an impossible question, a non-question, an axiom with no solution. He fell again and again, and on the twelfth time, he was moving his mouth, trying to say something, but nothing would come out. “Get up,” he heard the man say. “Get up. The next time you fall will be the last,” and he got up again.

他奔跑著。當時他不知道這會是他這輩子最后一次奔跑了，直到很后來，他會納悶：如果我知道那是最后一次，有辦法跑得更快嗎？當然這是一個不可能的問題，一個不是問題的問題，一個沒有解答的公理。他跌倒了一次又一次，到了第十二次，他動著嘴巴，想說話卻說不出來?！捌饋?，”他聽到特雷勒醫(yī)生說，“起來。下次你再跌倒，就是最后一次了?！庇谑撬终酒饋怼?

　 By this time he was no longer running, he was walking and stumbling, he was crawling from the car and the car was bumping against him harder and harder. Make this stop, he thought, make this stop. He remembered—who had told him this? one of the brothers, but which one?—a story of a piteous little boy, a boy, he had been told, in much worse circumstances than he was in, who after being so good for so long (another way in which he and the boy had been different), prayed one night to God to take him: I’m ready, the boy said in the story, I’m ready, and an angel, terrible and golden-winged, with eyes that burned with fire, appeared and wrapped his wings around the boy and the boy turned to cinders and was gone, released from this world.

這回他不再跑了，而是踉蹌著往前走，他緩緩離開那輛汽車，車子輕撞著他，越來越用力。讓這停下來，他心想，讓這一切停下來。他想起一個故事（是誰告訴他的？某個修士，但哪一個？），關(guān)于一個很可憐的小男孩，修士說，狀況比他悲慘得多，長期以來一直很乖（他和這小男孩的另一個不同點）。有天晚上他祈禱上帝帶走他：我準備好了，故事里的小男孩說，我準備好了。然后一個可怕的天使出現(xiàn)了，生著金色的翅膀，雙眼焚燒著火，那對翅膀包住小男孩，那男孩就變?yōu)槊涸Я?，離開了這個世界。

　 I’m ready, he said, I’m ready, and he waited for the angel with his awful, fearsome beauty to come save him.

我準備好了，他說，我準備好了，他等著那可怕、令人畏懼的絕美天使來救他。

　 The last time he fell, he couldn’t get up again. “Get up!” he heard Dr. Traylor yell. “Get up!” But he couldn’t. And then he heard the engine start again, and he felt the headlights coming toward him, two streams of fire like the angel’s eyes, and he turned his head to the side and waited, and the car came toward him and then over him and it was done.

最后一次他跌倒，再也爬不起來了?！捌饋恚　彼牭教乩桌蔗t(yī)生吼道，“起來！”但是他爬不起來。接著他聽到引擎又開始運轉(zhuǎn)，感覺車頭大燈朝他逼近，兩道火光像那天使的眼睛，于是他頭轉(zhuǎn)向一邊等著，那車沖向他，然后碾過他，到此為止。

　 And that was the end. After that, he became an adult. As he lay in the hospital, Ana sitting by his side, he made promises to himself. He evaluated the mistakes he had made. He never had known whom to trust: he had followed anyone who had shown him any kindness. After, though, he decided that he would change this. No longer would he trust people so quickly. No longer would he have sex. No longer would he expect to be saved.

那就是結(jié)局。之后，他就變?yōu)槌扇肆?。當他躺在醫(yī)院里，安娜坐在他旁邊時，他向自己做出種種承諾。他評估自己犯過的種種錯誤，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己從來不懂該信任誰，只知道應(yīng)該跟著向他表達過善意的人。但是以后，他心想，他決定要改變這個狀態(tài)了。他再也不要這么快就信任他人，他再也不要性交，他再也不要期盼會被拯救。

　 “It’ll never be this bad,” Ana used to say to him in the hospital. “Things’ll never be this bad again,” and although he knew she meant the pain, he also liked to think she meant his life in general: that with every year, things would get better. And she had been right: things did get better. And Brother Luke had been right as well, because when he was sixteen, his life changed. A year after Dr. Traylor, he was in the college he had dreamed of; with every day he didn’t have sex, he was becoming cleaner and cleaner. His life became more improbable by the year. Every year, his own good fortunes multiplied and intensified, and he was astonished again and again by the things and generosities that were bequeathed to him, by the people who entered his life, people so different from the people he had known that they seemed to be another species altogether: How, after all, could Dr. Traylor and Willem both be named the same sort of being? How could Father Gabriel and Andy? How could Brother Luke and Harold? Did what existed in the first group also exist in the second, and if so, how had that second group chosen otherwise, how had they chosen what to become? Things had not just corrected themselves; they had reversed themselves, to an almost absurd degree. He had gone from nothing to an embarrassing bounty. He would remember, then, Harold’s claim that life compensated for its losses, and he would realize the truth of that, although sometimes it would seem like life had not just compensated for itself but had done so extravagantly, as if his very life was begging him to forgive it, as if it were piling riches upon him, smothering him in all things beautiful and wonderful and hoped-for so he wouldn’t resent it, so he would allow it to keep moving him forward. And so, as the years went by, he broke his promises to himself again and again. He did end up following people who were kind to him. He did trust people again. He did have sex again. He did hope to be saved. And he was right to do so: not every time, of course, but most of the time. He ignored what the past had taught him and more often than he should have been, he was rewarded for it. He regretted none of it, not even the sex, because he had had it with hope, and to make someone else happy, someone who had given him everything.

“以后不會這么糟了，”安娜在醫(yī)院里總是這么告訴他，“事情再也不會這么糟了?！彼浪傅氖翘弁?，但他也愿意認為她指的是他整體的人生：隨著每一年過去，狀況就會好轉(zhuǎn)一些。結(jié)果她說得沒錯：的確是越來越好。盧克修士說得也沒有錯，因為當他滿16歲時，他的人生改變了。碰到特雷勒醫(yī)生的一年后，他進了夢想中的大學(xué)；每天都沒有性生活，他變得越來越干凈。他的人生隨著每一年的過去變得越來越令人難以置信。每一年，他的好運都會成倍地增加并且增強，他一次又一次地驚嘆自己碰到的種種好事和慷慨之舉，驚嘆走進他生命的那些人。那些人跟他以前認識的人實在太不同了，簡直是一個完全不同的物種。歸根結(jié)底，特雷勒醫(yī)生和威廉怎么可能被命名為同一種生物？還有蓋柏瑞神父和安迪呢？盧克修士和哈羅德呢？第一組人身上存在的特質(zhì)，也存在于第二組嗎？若是如此，第二組人怎么會選擇另一種特質(zhì)，怎么會選擇變成那樣呢？種種事物不但自行修正，根本是逆轉(zhuǎn)過來，到了幾乎荒謬的程度。他從一無所有，變成富裕得令人難為情。然后他想起，哈羅德曾宣稱人生會自行彌補之前的損失。他明白這是真的，雖然有時感覺人生不光是自行彌補，還彌補得太過頭了，好像他的人生在乞求他的原諒，好像他的人生把財富堆到他頭上，用種種美麗、神奇與他期盼中的事物淹沒他，好讓他不要恨它，讓它繼續(xù)推著他往前走。于是，一年接著一年過去，他一次又一次打破對自己的種種承諾。他終于又去跟隨向他表達善意的人。他又再度信任他人。他又有性生活了。他又希望被拯救了。他這樣做是對的：當然不是每一次，但大部分時候都是對的。他不理會過去給他的教訓(xùn)，而且超過應(yīng)該有的頻率，也因此得到了回報。他沒有一丁點后悔，連性愛的部分都不后悔，因為他做的時候抱著希望，知道這樣可以讓另一個人快樂，而這個人給了他一切。

　 One night shortly after he and Willem had become a couple, they had been at a dinner party at Richard’s, a raucous, casual affair of just people they loved and people they liked—JB and Malcolm and Black Henry Young and Asian Henry Young and Phaedra and Ali and all of their boyfriends and girlfriends, their husbands and wives. He was in the kitchen helping Richard prepare dessert, and JB came in—he was a little drunk—and put his arm around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. “Well, Judy,” he said, “you really ended up with it all in the end, didn’t you? The career, the money, the apartment, the man. How’d you get so lucky?” JB had grinned at him, and he had grinned back. He was glad Willem wasn’t there to overhear that comment, because he knew Willem would get testy at what he saw as JB’s jealousy, at his conviction that everyone else had, and had had, life easier than he did, that he, Jude, was blessed in a way that no one else was.

他和威廉成為一對之后沒多久，某天晚上他們?nèi)チ死聿榈录业耐聿团蓪?。那個派對喧鬧而輕松，來的只有他們深愛和喜歡的人——杰比、馬爾科姆、黑亨利·楊、亞裔亨利·楊、菲德拉、阿里和他們的男友或女友、丈夫或太太。他在廚房里幫理查德準備甜點時，杰比跑進來，有點喝醉了，把一只手搭在他肩膀上，吻了他的臉頰?！昂冒?，小裘，”他說，“到頭來你真的什么都有了，對吧？事業(yè)、金錢、公寓、伴侶。你怎么會這么幸運??？”杰比咧嘴對著他笑，他也咧嘴笑了。他很高興威廉沒在現(xiàn)場聽到這段話，因為他知道威廉會發(fā)火，因為威廉會覺得杰比是嫉妒，深信別人的人生都比他容易，而裘德更是幸運得沒人比得上。