《渺小一生》:他做了我最愛吃的菜

　 “I don’t know,” he said, desperate, “I don’t know. A few times a week, I guess.”

“不知道，”他絕望地說，“不知道。一星期兩三次吧，我猜想?！?

　 “A few times a week!” I said, and then stopped. Suddenly I had to get out of there. I took my coat from the chair and crammed the bag into its inside pocket. “You’d better be here when I get back,” I told him, and left. (He was a bolter: whenever he thought Julia or I were displeased with him, he would try as quickly as he could to get out of our sight, as if he were an offending object that needed to be removed.)

“一星期兩三次！”我說，然后停下來。忽然間我覺得我沒辦法待在屋里了，我從椅子上拿了大衣，把那個袋子塞在內側的口袋里?！拔彝硪稽c回來的時候，你最好還待在這里。”我一說完就離開了。（他很會開溜，每回他覺得朱麗婭和我對他不滿，就會設法盡快離開我們的視線，好像他是肇事的汽車之類的，必須要移走才行。）

　 I walked downstairs, toward the beach, and then through the dunes, feeling the sort of rage that comes with the realization of one’s gross inadequacy, of knowing for certain that you are at fault. It was the first time I realized that as much as he was two people around us, so were we two people around him: we saw of him what we wanted, and allowed ourselves not to see anything else. We were so ill-equipped. Most people are easy: their unhappinesses are our unhappinesses, their sorrows are understandable, their bouts of self-loathing are fast-moving and negotiable. But his were not. We didn’t know how to help him because we lacked the imagination needed to diagnose the problems. But this is making excuses.

我從后門下了樓梯，走向海灘，穿過沙丘，感覺到那種因為領悟到自己的極度不稱職、確知自己有錯而生出的狂怒。那是我第一次明白，就如同他跟我們相處時是兩面人一樣，我們跟他相處時也是兩面人：我們看他時，只看我們想看的那一面，避免去看其他的。我們太沒有能力應付這種事了。大部分人都很容易處理：他們的不快樂就是我們的不外樂，他們的悲傷可以理解，他們短暫爆發(fā)的自我厭惡很快就會過去，而且可以商量。但他的不是，我們不知道該怎么幫他，因為我們缺乏想象力去判斷他的問題。但這是找借口。

　 By the time I returned to the house it was almost dark, and I could see, through the window, his outline moving about in the kitchen. I sat on a chair on the porch and wished Julia were there, that she wasn’t in England with her father.

等到我回到屋里，已經快天黑了，隔著窗子我也看得到他的輪廓在廚房里移動。我坐在陽臺的一張椅子上，真希望朱麗婭也在這里。當時她去英格蘭看她父親了。

　 The back door opened. “Dinner,” he said, quietly, and I got up to go inside.

后門打開?！俺酝聿土恕！彼p聲說，于是我站起來進屋去。

　 He’d made one of my favorite meals: the sea bass I had bought the day before, poached, and potatoes roasted the way he knew I liked them, with lots of thyme and carrots, and a cabbage salad that I knew would have the mustard-seed dressing I liked. But I didn’t have an appetite for any of it. He served me, and then himself, and sat.

他做了我最愛吃的菜：把我前一天買來的海鱸魚清燉，小馬鈴薯用我喜歡的方式烤過，再加上一大堆百里香和胡蘿卜，還有紫甘藍沙拉，我知道淋的一定是我喜歡的芥末籽醬汁。但是我毫無胃口。他幫我分好菜，然后是他自己的，我們坐下來。

　 “This looks wonderful,” I told him. “Thank you for making it.” He nodded. We both looked at our plates, at his lovely meal that neither of us would eat.

“看起來太棒了。”我告訴他，“謝謝你辛苦做了這些菜?！彼c點頭。我們看著各自的盤子，看著他做出來的美味食物，卻都沒吃。

　 “Jude,” I said, “I have to apologize. I’m really sorry—I never should have run out on you like that.”

“裘德，”我說，“我要道歉。真的很對不起——我真不該就這樣跑掉的?！?

　 “It’s all right,” he said, “I understand.”

“沒關系，”他說，“我了解的。”

　 “No,” I told him. “It was wrong of me. I was just so upset.”

“不，”我告訴他，“是我的錯。我太生氣了?！?

　 He looked back down. “Do you know why I was upset?” I asked him.

他又低頭看著盤子?！澳阒牢覟槭裁瓷鷼鈫幔俊蔽覇査?。

　 “Because,” he began, “because I brought that into your house.”

“因為，”他說，“因為我把那個東西帶到你的房子里?！?

　 “No,” I said. “That’s not why. Jude, this house isn’t just my house, or Julia’s: it’s yours, too. I want you to feel you can bring anything you’d have at home here.

“不，”我說，“那不是原因。裘德，這棟房子不光是我的或朱麗婭的，也是你的。我希望你覺得可以帶家里需要的任何東西來這里。

　 “I’m upset because you’re doing this terrible thing to yourself.” He didn’t look up. “Do your friends know you do this? Does Andy?”

“我生氣，是因為你對自己做這么可怕的事情?！彼麤]抬頭，“你的朋友知道你這樣做嗎？安迪知道嗎？”

　 He nodded, slightly. “Willem knows,” he said, in a low voice. “And Andy.”

他輕輕點了個頭?！巴溃彼f，聲音很低，“還有安迪?！?

　 “And what does Andy say about this?” I asked, thinking, Goddammit, Andy.

“那安迪怎么說？”我問，心想，該死的安迪。

　 “He says—he says I should see a therapist.”

“他說——他說我該去做心理咨詢?！?

　 “And have you?” He shook his head, and I felt rage build up in me again. “Why not?” I asked him, but he didn’t say anything. “Is there a bag like this in Cambridge?” I said, and after a silence, he looked up at me and nodded again.

“那你去了嗎？”他搖搖頭，我又感覺怒氣上涌，“為什么不去？”我問他，但他什么都沒說，“劍橋市的房子里，也放了這樣的袋子嗎？”我說。他沉默了一會兒，抬起頭來看著我點點頭。

　 “Jude,” I said, “why do you do this to yourself?”

“裘德，”我說，“你為什么要對自己這么做？”

　 For a long time, he was quiet, and I was quiet too. I listened to the sea. Finally, he said, “A few reasons.”

有好一會兒，他都沒吭聲，我也沒說話。我聽著海浪的聲音。最后，他說：“有幾個原因。”