《渺小一生》:我看得出來(lái)，他也恐慌了。“

　 Seven years before, he had come to the house in Truro in early May. It had been a spontaneous visit: I was up there trying to write, there were cheap tickets, I told him he should come, and to my surprise—he never left the offices of Rosen Pritchard, even then—he did. He was happy that day, and so was I. I left him chopping a head of purple cabbage in the kitchen and took the plumber upstairs, where he was installing a new toilet in our bathroom, and then on his way out asked him if he could come take a look at the sink in the downstairs bathroom, the one in Jude’s room, which had been leaking.

七年前的五月初，他來(lái)特魯羅的別墅玩。當(dāng)時(shí)是臨時(shí)起意，我去那里想寫(xiě)點(diǎn)東西，剛好有便宜的機(jī)票，我跟他說(shuō)他應(yīng)該來(lái)玩，結(jié)果出乎我預(yù)料，他真的來(lái)了，即使是當(dāng)時(shí)，他也很少離開(kāi)辦公室。他那天很開(kāi)心，我也是。我留下他在廚房里切一顆紫甘藍(lán)，我則帶著水管工上樓，要在浴室里裝一個(gè)新馬桶。裝好之后，我問(wèn)水管工離開(kāi)前能否幫忙看看樓下浴室，裘德房間里的那間，里頭的水槽會(huì)漏水。

　 He did, tightened something, changed something else, and then, as he was emerging from the cabinet, handed something to me. “This was taped under the basin,” he said.

他幫我看了，把不曉得什么東西弄緊，又換了個(gè)零件。然后，他從浴室出來(lái)時(shí)，遞給我一個(gè)東西?！斑@個(gè)在水槽底下。”他說(shuō)。

　 “What is it?” I asked, taking the package from him.

“這是什么？”我問(wèn)，接過(guò)那個(gè)袋子。

　 He shrugged. “Dunno. But it was stuck there pretty good, with duct tape.” He repacked his things as I stood there dumbly, staring at the bag, and gave me a wave and left; I heard him say goodbye to Jude as he walked out, whistling.

他聳聳肩：“不知道，不過(guò)粘在那里，用防水膠帶粘得很牢。”我愣愣地站在那里，瞪著那個(gè)袋子。水管工收拾好工具，跟我揮個(gè)手就離開(kāi)了。我聽(tīng)到他吹著口哨走出去，中間還跟裘德說(shuō)再見(jiàn)。

　 I looked at the bag. It was a regular, pint-size clear plastic bag, and inside it was a stack of ten razor blades, and individually packaged alcohol wipes, and pieces of gauze, folded into springy squares, and bandages. I stood there, holding this bag, and I knew what it was for, even though I had never seen proof of it, and had indeed never seen anything like it. But I knew.

我看著那個(gè)袋子，那是一般的透明塑料袋，里頭有一包十片裝的刮胡刀片、小片裝的酒精棉片、幾塊折成方形的紗布，以及繃帶。我站在那里，拿著那個(gè)袋子，我知道那些東西是用來(lái)做什么的，雖然我從來(lái)沒(méi)看到證據(jù)，也的確沒(méi)看過(guò)類似證據(jù)的東西。但是我知道。

　 I went to the kitchen, and there he was, washing off a bowlful of fingerlings, still happy. He was even humming something, very softly, which he did only when he was very contented, like how a cat purrs to itself when it’s alone in the sun. “You should’ve told me you needed help installing the toilet,” he said, not looking up. “I could have done it for you and saved you a bill.” He knew how to do all those things: plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, gardening. We once went to Laurence’s so he could explain to Laurence how, exactly, he could safely unearth the young crabapple tree from one corner of his backyard and successfully move it to another, one that got more sun.

我走到廚房，他在里頭，正在洗一盆小馬鈴薯，還是開(kāi)開(kāi)心心的，甚至小聲地哼著歌。他只有在非常滿足的時(shí)候才會(huì)這樣，就像一只獨(dú)自曬太陽(yáng)的貓發(fā)出滿足的呼嚕聲?！澳阋胰搜b馬桶，該早點(diǎn)告訴我。”他說(shuō)，沒(méi)抬頭，“我可以幫你安裝，讓你省一筆錢?！边@些事情他全都會(huì)：水管工程、電工、木工、園藝。他有一回去勞倫斯家，跟勞倫斯解釋他可以安全地把那棵野生酸蘋果幼苗從后院一角挖出來(lái)，成功移植到能曬到太陽(yáng)的角落。

　 For a while I stood there watching him. I felt so many things at once that together, they combined to make nothing, a numbness, an absence of feeling caused by a surplus of feeling. Finally I said his name, and he looked up. “What’s this?” I asked him, and held the bag in front of him.

有好一會(huì)兒，我站在那里看著他，感覺(jué)到好多事情突然一口氣發(fā)生，加起來(lái)卻什么都沒(méi)有，只有一種麻木，因?yàn)楦星檫^(guò)剩造成的空白。最后我終于喊了他的名字，他抬頭?！斑@是什么？”我問(wèn)他，把那個(gè)袋子舉到他面前。

　 He went very still, one hand suspended above the bowl, and I remember watching how little droplets of water beaded and dripped off the ends of his fingertips, as if he had slashed himself with a knife and was bleeding water. He opened his mouth, and shut it.

他整個(gè)人僵住不動(dòng)，一手懸在盆子上方，我還記得小水滴凝成水珠，從他的指尖滑落，好像他用刀子割了自己，流出水來(lái)。他張開(kāi)嘴巴，然后又閉上。

　 “I’m sorry, Harold,” he said, very softly. He lowered his hand, and dried it, slowly, on the dish towel.

“對(duì)不起，哈羅德?！彼f(shuō)，聲音很輕柔。他垂下手，緩緩在抹布上擦干。

　 That made me angry. “I’m not asking you to apologize, Jude,” I told him. “I’m asking you what this is. And don’t say ‘It’s a bag with razors in it.’ What is this? Why did you tape it beneath your sink?”

這讓我很生氣。“我沒(méi)要求你道歉，裘德?！蔽腋嬖V他，“我是問(wèn)你這是什么。不要跟我說(shuō)：‘那是裝了刮胡刀片的袋子?！@是什么？你為什么要把它粘在你的水槽底下？”

　 He stared at me for a long time with that look he had—I know you know the one—where you can see him receding even as he looks at you, where you can see the gates within him closing and locking themselves, the bridges being cranked above the moat. “You know what it’s for,” he finally said, still very quietly.

他看了我好久，用那種特有的眼神，我知道你明白是哪種。你看得出他雖然望著你，卻在心底一直往后退。你看得出他心里的城門關(guān)上鎖起，護(hù)城河上的橋也拉了起來(lái)?！澳阒滥鞘怯脕?lái)做什么的?！彼K于說(shuō)，還是很小聲。

　 “I want to hear you say it,” I told him.

“我要聽(tīng)你說(shuō)出來(lái)。”我告訴他。

　 “I just need it,” he said.

“我就是需要它?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “Tell me what you do with these,” I said, and watched him.

“告訴我，你用這些東西做什么。”我說(shuō)，看著他。

　 He looked down into the bowl of potatoes. “Sometimes I need to cut myself,” he said, finally. “I’m sorry, Harold.”

他低頭看著那盆馬鈴薯?！坝袝r(shí)候我需要割自己?！彼詈笳f(shuō)，“對(duì)不起，哈羅德?！?

　 And suddenly I was panicked, and my panic made me irrational. “What the fuck does that mean?” I asked him—I may have even shouted it.

忽然間我恐慌起來(lái)，而我的恐慌使我更加失去理性?！八麐尩倪@什么意思？”我問(wèn)他，可能還是吼出來(lái)的。

　 He was moving backward now, toward the sink, as if I might lunge at him and he wanted some distance. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’m sorry, Harold.”

此時(shí)他往后退，退向水槽，想拉開(kāi)距離，好像生怕我會(huì)撲過(guò)去?！拔也恢??！彼f(shuō)，“對(duì)不起，哈羅德?！?

　 “How often is sometimes?” I asked.

“有時(shí)候是多常發(fā)生？”我問(wèn)。

　 He too was panicking now, I could see. “I don’t know,” he said. “It varies.”

我看得出來(lái)，他也恐慌了?！安恢??！彼f(shuō)，“不一定。”

　 “Well, estimate. Give me a ballpark.”

“那就估計(jì)一下，告訴我大概的?！?