《渺小一生》:“那就告訴我你原諒我

　 “You have to do something,” says Harold. “We could have a dinner for you here, or in the city.”

“你一定要慶祝一下?！惫_德說，“我們可以在這里幫你辦個晚宴，或者去紐約?！?

　 He smiles but shakes his head. “Forty’s forty,” he says. “It’s just another year.” As a child, though, he never thought he’d make it to forty: in the months after the injury, he would sometimes have dreams of himself as an adult, and although the dreams were very vague—he was never quite certain where he was living or what he was doing, though in those dreams he was usually walking, sometimes running—he was always young in them; his imagination refused to let him advance into middle age.

他微笑著搖搖頭：“40歲就是40歲，沒什么兩樣?！辈贿^小時候，他從來沒想過自己能活到40歲。受傷之后那幾個月，他有時會夢到自己是成人。盡管夢境非常模糊（他從來不太確定自己住在哪里，也不確定自己在做什么工作，不過在那些夢里，他通常都在走路，有時還在跑），但他總是很年輕，他的想象力拒絕讓自己活到中年。

　 To change the subject, he tells them about Dr. Kashen’s funeral, where Dr. Li gave a eulogy. “People who don’t love math always accuse mathematicians of trying to make math complicated,” Dr. Li had said. “But anyone who does love math knows it’s really the opposite: math rewards simplicity, and mathematicians value it above all else. So it’s no surprise that Walter’s favorite axiom was also the most simple in the realm of mathematics: the axiom of the empty set.

為了改變話題，他告訴他們沃爾特·卡申博士葬禮上的事，李博士念了一段悼詞。“不喜歡數(shù)學(xué)的人總是指責(zé)數(shù)學(xué)家把數(shù)學(xué)搞得很復(fù)雜，”李博士說，“但任何真心喜歡數(shù)學(xué)的人都知道，其實正好相反：數(shù)學(xué)鼓勵簡單，而數(shù)學(xué)家最重視的莫過于簡單。所以也難怪，沃爾特最喜歡的數(shù)學(xué)公理，就是數(shù)學(xué)領(lǐng)域中最簡單的公理：空集合公理。

　 “The axiom of the empty set is the axiom of zero. It states that there must be a concept of nothingness, that there must be the concept of zero: zero value, zero items. Math assumes there’s a concept of nothingness, but is it proven? No. But it must exist.

“空集合公理就是零的公理。它的規(guī)定是，一定有個空無的概念，一定有個零的概念：零值、零項。數(shù)學(xué)里假設(shè)有一個空無的概念，但被證明了嗎？沒有，但它一定存在。

　 “And if we are being philosophical—which we today are—we can say that life itself is the axiom of the empty set. It begins in zero and ends in zero. We know that both states exist, but we will not be conscious of either experience: they are states that are necessary parts of life, even as they cannot be experienced as life. We assume the concept of nothingness, but we cannot prove it. But it must exist. So I prefer to think that Walter has not died but has instead proven for himself the axiom of the empty set, that he has proven the concept of zero. I know nothing else would have made him happier. An elegant mind wants elegant endings, and Walter had the most elegant mind. So I wish him goodbye; I wish him the answer to the axiom he so loved.”

“如果哲學(xué)一點來看，今天就是這樣，我們可以說，生命本身就是空集合公理。從零開始，以零結(jié)束。我們知道這兩種狀態(tài)存在，但兩種經(jīng)驗我們都沒有辦法得知：即使我們無法體驗，但這兩者都是人生必需的一部分。我們假設(shè)了空無的概念，我們無法證明，但它必然存在。所以我寧可想成沃爾特沒有死，而是向自己證明了空集合公理，我寧可想成他證明了零的概念。我想再沒有別的事情能讓他更高興的了。優(yōu)雅的心靈都想要優(yōu)雅的結(jié)尾，而沃爾特?fù)碛凶顑?yōu)雅的心靈。所以，愿他一路好走，愿他驗證了他深愛的公理。”

　 They are all quiet for a while, contemplating this. “Please tell me that isn’t your favorite axiom,” Harold says suddenly, and he laughs. “No,” he says. “It’s not.”

他們都沉默了一會兒，思索著這段話。“拜托告訴我，那不是你最愛的公理。”哈羅德突然說。他聽了大笑?！安唬彼f，“的確不是。”

　 He sleeps in the next day, and that night he goes to the wedding, where because both of the grooms lived in Hood, he knows almost everyone. The non-Hood guests—Lionel’s colleagues from Wellesley, and Sinclair’s from Harvard, where he teaches European history—stand near one another as if for protection, looking bored and bemused. The wedding is loose-limbed and slightly chaotic—Lionel starts assigning his guests tasks as soon as they arrive, which most of them neglect: he is supposed to be making sure everyone signs the guest book; Willem is supposed to be helping people find their tables—and people walk around saying how, thanks to Lionel and Sinclair, thanks to this wedding, they won’t have to go to their twentieth reunion this year. They are all here: Willem and his girlfriend, Robin; Malcolm and Sophie; and JB and his new boyfriend, whom he hasn’t met, and he knows, even before checking their place cards, that they will all be assigned to the same table. “Jude!” people he hasn’t seen in years say to him. “How are you? Where’s JB? I just spoke to Willem! I just saw Malcolm!” And then, “Are you four all still as close as you were?”

次日白天他都在睡覺，然后晚上去參加婚禮，因為兩位新郎以前都在虎德館住過，所以在場每個人他幾乎都認(rèn)識。非虎德館的客人——萊諾在韋斯利學(xué)院的同事，辛克萊在哈佛大學(xué)（他在那里教歐洲史）的同事——都站在一起，好像是為了保護自己，而且他們看起來無聊且茫然。整個婚禮很隨性，也有些混亂——客人一到，就分別被萊諾派了任務(wù)，但他們大部分人都沒認(rèn)真做：他負(fù)責(zé)讓客人在簽名本上簽名；威廉負(fù)責(zé)幫每個客人找到自己的桌子——大家走來走去，說多虧萊諾和辛克萊，多虧這個婚禮，他們不必去參加二十周年同學(xué)會了。所有的人都來了：威廉和他的女友羅賓、馬爾科姆和蘇菲，還有杰比和一個陌生的新男友。不必查座位卡，他就知道他們被安排在同一桌。“裘德！”多年不見的人跟他說，“你好嗎？杰比在哪里？我剛剛跟威廉聊了一下！我剛剛看到馬爾科姆了！”然后，“你們四個還是像以前那么要好嗎？”

　 “We all still talk,” he says, “and they’re doing great,” which is the answer he and Willem had decided they’d give. He wonders what JB is saying, whether he is skimming over the truth, as he and Willem are, or whether he is lying outright, or whether, in a fit of JBish forthrightness, he is telling the truth: “No. We hardly ever speak anymore. I only really talk to Malcolm these days.”

“我們都還有聯(lián)絡(luò)，”他說，“他們現(xiàn)在都很好。”這是他和威廉之前決定的說法。他很好奇杰比會怎么說，不知是會像他和威廉一樣對真相輕描淡寫，還是會忽然直腸子發(fā)作說出實話：“沒有，我們現(xiàn)在不太來往了。我現(xiàn)在只跟馬爾科姆聯(lián)絡(luò)。”

　 He hasn’t seen JB in months and months. He hears of him, of course: through Malcolm, through Richard, through Black Henry Young. But he doesn’t see him any longer, because even nearly three years later, he is unable to forgive him. He has tried and tried. He knows how intractable, how mean, how uncharitable he is being. But he can’t. When he sees JB, he sees him doing his imitation of him, sees him confirming in that moment everything he has feared and thought he looks like, everything he has feared and thought other people think about him. But he had never thought his friends saw him like that; or at least, he never thought they would tell him. The accuracy of the imitation tears at him, but the fact that it was JB doing it devastates him. Late at night, when he can’t sleep, the image he sometimes sees is JB dragging himself in a half-moon, his mouth agape and drooling, his hands held before him in claws: I’m Jude. I’m Jude St. Francis.

他好多個月沒見到杰比了。當(dāng)然，他聽說了他的近況：通過馬爾科姆，通過理查德，通過黑亨利·楊。但他再也不跟杰比來往了。即使時隔將近三年，他還是沒辦法原諒他。他試了又試，知道自己這樣有多難搞、有多小氣、有多不厚道。但他就是沒辦法。每當(dāng)他看到杰比，就看到杰比模仿自己的樣子。他一直恐懼，也想過自己看起來是什么樣，一直恐懼，也想過別人怎么看他，在杰比模仿他的那一刻，他證實了過往所有的恐懼和猜測。但他從來沒想到他的朋友會那樣看他，至少，他從來沒想到他們會告訴他。那模仿的精確性的確很讓他傷心，但真正讓他震驚并且心碎的原因，在于模仿他的人是杰比。每當(dāng)夜深人靜睡不著時，他偶爾會看到杰比在半月下拖著腳步，嘴巴張開流著口水，雙手像爪子般抬在胸前說：我是裘德。我是裘德·圣弗朗西斯。

　 That night, after they had taken JB to the hospital and admitted him—JB had been stuporous and dribbling when they took him in, but then had recovered and become angry, violent, screaming wordlessly at them all, thrashing against the orderlies, wresting his body out of their arms until they had sedated him and dragged him, lolling, down the hallway—Malcolm had left in one taxi and he and Willem had gone home to Perry Street in another.

那天夜里，他們把杰比送去住院。到醫(yī)院時，杰比已經(jīng)神志不清、猛流口水，但恢復(fù)意識后，他就變得憤怒、暴力，朝著他們所有人尖叫，雙手亂打護理員，身子扭動著想要掙脫，直到院方給他打了鎮(zhèn)靜劑，才把全身無力的他拖走。后來，馬爾科姆坐一輛出租車離開，他和威廉坐另一輛回佩里街的家。

　 He hadn’t been able to look at Willem in the cab, and without anything to distract him—no forms to fill out, no doctors to talk to—he had felt himself grow cold despite the hot, muggy night, and his hands begin to shake, and Willem had reached over and taken his right hand and held it in his left for the rest of the long, silent ride downtown.

他在出租車上沒辦法看威廉，也沒有其他事情能轉(zhuǎn)移注意力——沒有表格要填，沒有醫(yī)生要見。那是個悶熱的夏夜，他卻覺得自己越來越冷，雙手開始發(fā)抖。威廉伸出左手抓住他的右手，在回市區(qū)那段漫長而沉默的車程中始終握著不放。

　 He was there for JB’s recovery. He decided he’d stay until he got better; he couldn’t abandon JB then, not after all their time together. The three of them took shifts, and after work he’d sit by JB’s hospital bed and read. Sometimes JB was awake, but most of the time he wasn’t. He was detoxing, but the doctor had also discovered that JB had a kidney infection, and so he stayed on in the hospital’s main ward, liquids dripping into his arm, his face slowly losing its bloat. When he was awake, JB would beg him for forgiveness, sometimes dramatically and pleadingly, and sometimes—when he was more lucid—quietly. These were the conversations he found most difficult.

他陪伴杰比，直到他恢復(fù)，并決心要待到他好轉(zhuǎn)為止；這么多年的情誼，他不能在這個時候拋下杰比不管。他們?nèi)齻€人輪班，下班后他就到醫(yī)院，坐在杰比的病床邊閱讀。有時杰比會醒來，但大多數(shù)時間都處于昏迷狀態(tài)。杰比在戒毒，但醫(yī)生發(fā)現(xiàn)他的一個腎臟感染了，所以杰比一直住在醫(yī)院的主病房區(qū)，手上插了靜脈注射管，臉慢慢地消腫。醒來時，杰比會求他原諒，有時是很戲劇化的懇求，碰到他比較清醒時，則是輕聲的哀求。這類對話是他覺得最棘手的。

　 “Jude, I’m so sorry,” he’d say. “I was so messed up. Please tell me you forgive me. I was so awful. I love you, you know that. I would never want to hurt you, never.”

“裘德，對不起，”杰比會說，“我當(dāng)時腦子亂成一團。拜托告訴我你原諒我了。我太差勁了。我愛你，你知道的。我絕對不會想傷害你的，絕對不會。”

　 “I know you were messed up, JB,” he’d say. “I know.”

“我知道你當(dāng)時昏頭了，杰比?！彼麜f，“我知道?！?

　 “Then tell me you forgive me. Please, Jude.”

“那就告訴我你原諒我。拜托，裘德。”

　 He’d be silent. “It’s going to be okay, JB,” he’d say, but he couldn’t make the words—I forgive you—leave his mouth. At night, alone, he would say them again and again: I forgive you, I forgive you. It would be so simple, he’d admonish himself. It would make JB feel better. Say it, he’d command himself as JB looked at him, the whites of his eyes smeary and yellowed. Say it. But he couldn’t. He knew he was making JB feel worse; he knew it and was still unable to say it. The words were stones, held just under his tongue. He couldn’t release them, he just couldn’t.

然后他會沉默一會兒?！皼]事的，杰比?！彼麜f，但他沒辦法讓“我原諒你”這幾個字從嘴巴吐出來。到了夜里獨自一人時，他會一遍又一遍地說：我原諒你，我原諒你。明明很簡單，他勸告自己，這樣可以讓杰比好過一點。每當(dāng)杰比看著他，眼白渾濁發(fā)黃，他就會命令自己，快說，快說啊。但他就是做不到。他知道自己害杰比感覺更糟糕。他明明知道，但就是說不出來。那幾個字像石頭，就埋在他的舌頭下方。但他沒法吐出來，就是沒辦法。

　 Later, when JB called him nightly from rehab, strident and pedantic, he’d sat silently through his monologues on what a better person he’d become, and how he had realized he had no one to depend on but himself, and how he, Jude, needed to realize that there was more in life than just work, and to live every day in the moment and learn to love himself. He listened and breathed and said nothing. And then JB had come home and had had to readjust, and none of them heard very much from him at all for a few months. He had lost the lease on his apartment, and had moved back in with his mother while he reestablished his life.

后來，杰比每天晚上從勒戒中心打電話給他時，他會坐在那沉默地聽著杰比兀自說個不停，刺耳又學(xué)究氣，說他已經(jīng)變成了一個更好的人，說他了解到了他不能靠別人、只能靠自己，還有他（裘德）要明白人生不光是工作而已，要好好過每一天，并且學(xué)著愛自己。杰比勒戒完回家，必須重新適應(yīng)。有短暫的幾個月他們很少聽到他的消息。只知道杰比租的公寓被房東收回，他先搬回母親家，設(shè)法重建自己的生活。

　 But then one day he had called. It had been early February, almost seven months exactly after they had taken him to the hospital, and JB wanted to see him and talk. He suggested JB meet him at a café called Clementine that was near Willem’s building, and as he inched his way past the tightly spaced tables to a seat against the back wall, he realized why he had chosen this place: because it was too small, and too cramped, for JB to do his impression of him, and recognizing that, he felt foolish and cowardly.

但接下來有一天，他打電話來了。那是二月初，離他們送他去醫(yī)院將近七個月了。杰比想跟他見面談?wù)劇Ｋ图s了去威廉家附近一家叫克萊芒蒂娜的小餐館碰面。當(dāng)他在擁擠的餐桌間緩緩前進，走向靠著后墻的座位時，忽然明白為什么自己挑了這家餐館：因為這里太小、太擠，杰比就沒辦法再模仿他的樣子了。一領(lǐng)悟到這點，他就覺得自己好傻好懦弱。

　 He hadn’t seen JB in a long time, and JB leaned over the table and hugged him, lightly, carefully, before sitting down.

他跟杰比很久沒見了。杰比站起來身體前傾，隔著餐桌擁抱了他一下，很輕、很小心翼翼，然后才坐下。

　 “You look great,” he said.

“你氣色很好。”他說。