《渺小一生》:“很多是多少？”

　 The next morning he drives directly to the cemetery, and from the cemetery to Dr. Kashen’s house, a two-story wooden structure in Newton where the professor used to host a year-end dinner for all of his current graduate students. It was understood that you weren’t to discuss math at these parties. “You can talk about anything else,” he’d tell them. “But we’re not talking about math.” Only at Dr. Kashen’s parties would he be the least socially inept person in the room (he was also, not coincidentally, the least brilliant), and the professor would always make him start the conversation. “So, Jude,” he’d say. “What are you interested in these days?” At least two of his fellow graduate students—both of them PhD candidates—had mild forms of autism, and he could see how hard they worked at making conversation, how hard they worked at their table manners, and prior to these dinners, he did some research into what was new in the worlds of online gaming (which one of them loved) and tennis (which the other loved), so he’d be able to ask them questions they could answer. Dr. Kashen wanted his students to someday be able to find jobs, and along with teaching them math, he also thought it his responsibility to socialize them, to teach them how to behave among others.

次日早晨他直接開車到墓園去，再?gòu)哪箞@去卡申博士家。那是一棟兩層樓的木造建筑，位于波士頓西郊的牛頓市。每年年底，卡申博士都會(huì)請(qǐng)他當(dāng)時(shí)指導(dǎo)的所有研究生去家里吃晚餐。在這類派對(duì)上，大家都知道不能討論數(shù)學(xué)。“你們可以談任何話題，”卡申博士曾告訴他們，“但就是不能談數(shù)學(xué)?！敝挥性诳ㄉ瓴┦康呐蓪?duì)上，他才會(huì)成為全場(chǎng)最不拙于社交的人（而且理所當(dāng)然，也是最不聰明的那個(gè)），于是教授總是要他帶頭找話說(shuō)?！澳敲矗玫?，”他會(huì)說(shuō)，“你最近對(duì)什么感興趣？”其他研究生里至少有兩個(gè)（都是博士候選人）有輕微的自閉癥，他看得出來(lái)他們有多努力想找話講、有多努力想遵守餐桌禮儀。每次這類晚餐前，他都會(huì)先研究一下現(xiàn)在在線游戲（其中一個(gè)博士生很愛）或是網(wǎng)球（另一個(gè)博士生很愛）方面有什么新消息，才有辦法提出他們可以回答的問題?？ㄉ瓴┦肯Ｍ膶W(xué)生都有一天能找到工作，所以除了教他們數(shù)學(xué)，他覺得也有責(zé)任教他們?nèi)绾芜m應(yīng)社會(huì)、如何應(yīng)對(duì)進(jìn)退。

　 Sometimes Dr. Kashen’s son, Leo, who was five or six years older than he, would be at dinner at well. He too had autism, but unlike Donald’s and Mikhail’s, his was instantly noticeable, and severe enough so that although he’d completed high school, he hadn’t been able to attend more than a semester of college, and had only been able to get a job as a programmer for the phone company, where he sat in a small room day after day fixing screen after screen of code. He was Dr. Kashen’s only child, and he still lived at home, along with Dr. Kashen’s sister, who had moved in after his wife had died, years ago.

卡申博士的兒子利奧（比他大五六歲）有時(shí)會(huì)加入他們的晚宴。他也有自閉癥，但不像唐納德和米哈伊爾，一看就知道他有自閉癥，而且嚴(yán)重到雖然讀完了高中，但進(jìn)大學(xué)卻只讀了一個(gè)學(xué)期就沒法繼續(xù)，唯一能找到的工作就是在電話公司當(dāng)計(jì)算機(jī)程序設(shè)計(jì)師，每天坐在一個(gè)小房間里修改屏幕上的程序代碼。他是卡申博士唯一的兒子，現(xiàn)在還住在家里。另外還有卡申博士的姐姐，她是幾年前卡申博士的妻子過(guò)世后才搬進(jìn)來(lái)的。

　 At the house, he speaks to Leo, who seems glazed, and mumbles, looking away from him as he does, and then to Dr. Kashen’s sister, who was a math professor at Northeastern.

來(lái)到卡申博士家，他跟利奧聊了一下。利奧好像在發(fā)呆，嘴巴咕噥著，但雙眼看著別的地方。他也跟卡申博士的姐姐講了話，她是東北大學(xué)的數(shù)學(xué)教授。

　 “Jude,” she says, “it’s lovely to see you. Thank you for coming.” She holds his hand. “My brother always talked about you, you know.”

“裘德，”她說(shuō)，“看到你真高興。謝謝你過(guò)來(lái)?！彼兆∷氖郑澳阒?，我弟弟常常提起你。”

　 “He was a wonderful teacher,” he tells her. “He gave me so much. I’m so sorry.”

“他是個(gè)很棒的老師，”他告訴她，“他教了我好多。我很遺憾?！?

　 “Yes,” she says. “It was very sudden. And poor Leo”—they look at Leo, who is gazing at nothing—“I don’t know how he’s going to deal with this.” She kisses him goodbye. “Thank you again.”

“是啊，”她說(shuō)，“發(fā)生得非常突然?？蓱z的利奧……”他們看向利奧，他目光呆滯地瞪著空氣?！拔也恢浪趺疵鎸?duì)這件事?！彼穷a道別，“再次謝謝你?！?

　 Outside, it is fiercely cold, and the windshield is sticky with ice. He drives slowly to Harold and Julia’s, letting himself in and calling their names.

出來(lái)時(shí)，外頭非常冷，擋風(fēng)玻璃上黏著冰。他緩緩駛到哈羅德和朱麗婭家，自己開了門進(jìn)去，喊他們的名字。

　 “And here he is!” says Harold, materializing from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish towel. Harold hugs him, which he had begun doing at some point, and as uncomfortable as it makes him, he thinks it’ll be more uncomfortable to try to explain why he’d like Harold to stop. “I’m so sorry about Kashen, Jude. I was shocked to hear it—I ran into him on the courts about two months back and he looked like he was in great shape.”

“終于來(lái)了！”哈羅德從廚房走出來(lái)，用抹布擦著手。哈羅德?lián)肀?，這是前幾年開始的慣例。盡管他覺得很不自在，但如果要解釋為什么他希望哈羅德別再這樣，會(huì)讓他更加不自在?！棒玫?，卡申的事情我很遺憾。我聽到后也嚇一跳——我大概兩個(gè)月前才在法院碰到他，當(dāng)時(shí)他看起來(lái)很硬朗?！?

　 “He was,” he says, unwinding his scarf, as Harold takes his coat. “And not that old, either: seventy-four.”

“是啊，”他說(shuō)，解開繞在脖子上的圍巾，哈羅德接過(guò)他的大衣去掛，“而且74歲，還不算太老啊。”

　 “Jesus,” says Harold, who has just turned sixty-five. “There’s a cheery thought. Go put your stuff in your room and come into the kitchen. Julia’s tied up in a meeting but she’ll be home in an hour or so.”

“天啊，”哈羅德說(shuō)，他才剛滿65，“你這樣想真是太令人開心了。先去你的房間放東西吧，然后來(lái)廚房。朱麗婭去開一個(gè)會(huì)，大概再一小時(shí)就會(huì)回來(lái)了?！?

　 He drops his bag in the guest room—“Jude’s room,” Harold and Julia call it; “your room”—and changes out of his suit and heads toward the kitchen, where Harold is peering into a pot on the stove, as if down a well. “I’m trying to make a bolognese,” he says, without turning around, “but something’s happening; it keeps separating, see?”

他把自己的袋子拿去客房——哈羅德和朱麗婭都稱之為“裘德的房間”或是“你的房間”——換下了西裝，再去廚房。哈羅德看著烤箱里的一鍋東西，好像在望一口井?！拔蚁胱霾∧侨忉u，”他說(shuō)，雙眼仍盯著鍋，“可是發(fā)生了一些事，里頭一直有分層，看到?jīng)]？”

　 He looks. “How much olive oil did you use?”

他看了：“你放了多少橄欖油？”

　 “A lot.”

“很多?！?

　 “What’s a lot?”

“很多是多少？”

　 “A lot. Too much, obviously.”

“非常多。顯然是太多了。”

　 He smiles. “I’ll fix it.”

他微笑：“我來(lái)補(bǔ)救吧?！?

　 “Thank god,” says Harold, stepping away from the stove. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“感謝老天，”哈羅德說(shuō)，往后退開，“我正希望你會(huì)這么說(shuō)?！?

　 Over dinner, they speak of Julia’s favorite researcher, who she thinks might be trying to jump to another lab, and of the latest gossip circulating through the law school, and of the anthology of essays about Brown versus Board of Education that Harold is editing, and of one of Laurence’s twin daughters, who is getting married, and then Harold says, grinning, “So, Jude, the big birthday’s coming up.”

晚餐時(shí)，他們聊到朱麗婭最喜歡的一個(gè)研究員，她認(rèn)為他可能要跳槽到另一個(gè)研究室，還有最近法學(xué)院流傳的一個(gè)八卦，以及哈羅德正在編的一本有關(guān)“布朗控告教育局案”的論文選集，又聊到了勞倫斯的雙胞胎女兒，其中一個(gè)就要結(jié)婚了，這時(shí)哈羅德咧著嘴說(shuō)：“那么，裘德，你的大生日快到了?！?

　 “Three months away!” Julia chirps, and he groans. “What are you going to do?”

“只剩三個(gè)月！”朱麗婭輕快地說(shuō)，而他卻哀嘆起來(lái)。“你打算怎么過(guò)？”

　 “Probably nothing,” he says. He hasn’t planned anything, and he has forbidden Willem from planning anything, either. Two years ago, he threw Willem a big party for his fortieth at Greene Street, and although the four of them had always said they’d go somewhere for each of their fortieth birthdays, it hasn’t worked out that way. Willem had been in L.A. filming on his actual birthday, but after he had finished, they’d gone to Botswana on a safari. But it had been just the two of them: Malcolm had been working on a project in Beijing, and JB—well, Willem hadn’t mentioned inviting JB, and he hadn’t, either.

“大概什么都不做吧?！彼f(shuō)。他什么都沒計(jì)劃，也不準(zhǔn)威廉計(jì)劃。兩年前威廉的40歲生日，他在格林街辦了一個(gè)盛大的派對(duì)。以前他們四個(gè)總是說(shuō)各自的40歲生日要去哪里哪里，結(jié)果都沒實(shí)現(xiàn)。威廉生日那天正在洛杉磯拍戲，但拍完之后他們就去了博茨瓦納參加狩獵旅行。不過(guò)只有他們兩個(gè)，因?yàn)轳R爾科姆當(dāng)時(shí)在北京忙一個(gè)案子，而杰比——唔，威廉沒提要邀請(qǐng)杰比，他也沒提。