我們所知道的生活 Life as We Know It 精講之四

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Messer: Yes! Yes. Burke's out, and I finally got the call to direct today's game. You believe that?

Holly: Today is my Riverside event. I told you this.

Messer: You never told me that.

Holly: Yes, I did. You just don't listen to women who won't sleep with you. See it there on the board? I'll be home at 7:30 tonight.

Messer: Holly. Come on, I can't. There are no kids in the booth. Come on, work with me here.

Holly: It's on the board.

Messer: You have any idea how big a game this is? The Hawks are a game out of the eighth seed in the East. Don't you walk out that door.

Holly: Messer, you're speaking Mandarin. I've been planning this event for three months. There are plenty of mommies and daddies who are totally in love with you. Call them.

Messer: Hey, Beth. It's Messer, from a-- Yeah. Hey, I was wondering if maybe you guys could watch Sophie for a bit today. I got a huge break. I get to direct the Hawks game today. Nope, Amy can't. She's got a big math test. Yeah, I tried Josh and Beth too. They're all busy. Bye-bye. Son of a....

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Walter: It's a healthier meal if you don't fry the shell. You know what I'm saying? I like my taco shells baked.

Messer: Yeah, I like them soft.

Walter: Yeah.

Messer: All right, thank you for the ride, Walter.

Walter: Well, you called, I came. That's how a man makes his money, baby. What's up with my floor seats?

Messer: I’m gonna make you a deal. Just because I like you, I'm gonna give you two floor seats. All you gotta do is keep that meter running for me.

Walter: Okay.

Messer: My man.

Walter: We making another stop, baby?

Messer: Yep. Just not yet.

Walter: Okay. All right. Not yet, not yet. The baby's in here. You left the bab-- You left the baby! You left the baby! You left the bab-- You left the baby. You left your baby.

Messer: Look, Walter, please, I got no choice. I need your help, as a friend.

Walter: No, no, no. You can't leave me with your baby. Are you on crack? I could be the baby cab killer.

Messer: I know all about you, man. I know you keep a clean cab, I know that you drive the speed limit...and I know that you got three kids you love to death.

Walter: You know why? Because they're my kids. I hate other people's kids. That's your baby in there.

Messer: Whatever the meter is, you could triple it, OK? You'll be the best-paid babysitter in the state. Please.

Walter: What if she wakes up?

Messer: She's not gonna wake up, I pro-- Oh! Look. It's her ducky. In case of an emergency.

Walter: Better not be no emergencies.

Messer: There won't be.

Walter: Better not!

Announcer: The final seconds of this first half...

Messer: Ready Camera 3. And go 3.

Announcer: ...feeding it off, and the basket...

Messer: Ok, Simon, give me the scoring leaders, please.

Simon: No one's ever said "please" to me before. [Cellphone rings] Who's calling?

Messer: It's the new sitter. Yeah?

Walter: The baby woke up! The baby woke up.

Simon: Hey, there's this great game going on. You should check it out.

Messer: Cameras 4 and 6, 4 ready by the ball, 2 by the basket. Okay, sniff her butt. See if she needs to be changed.

Walter: I'm not sniffing this baby's booty. Man, what are you feeding this girl? It's like a dirty bomb. It's like eggs and peanut butter.

Messer: I'll be down at halftime.

Walter: Halftime? Are you crazy?

Messer: Halftime! Okay, okay, okay, here we go, man. Okay, okay.

Walter: Oh, my God!

Messer: Okay. Okay. All right. All right, we're halfway there, Walter. All right, here we go.

Walter: No, no, no, no, no.

Messer: No, please, listen. Walter, please. You know what? Here. Take the whole wallet.

Walter: I don't want your wallet. I don't want your wallet. You know what I want? I want a nice, comfy seat inside, next to some big-screen TVs--

Messer: There are no kids in the booth. I'm sorry. You gotta sit out here with the kid, please.

Walter: Baby wanna see game?

Messer: Baby doesn't wanna see the game.

Walter: Baby wanna see game?

Messer: Baby doesn't wanna see the game.

Walter: [In baby voice] Baby wanna see game.

[Toy squeaks]

Messer: Hey, everybody. This is Sophie and her nanny, Walter.

Walter: Say hi.

Messer: All right, here you go. Big cushy chair, new monitors. Drinks are in the fridge. No beer till after the game, okay?

Walter: Nice. I never seen a game like this before. Now we're talking.

Messer: So you're good?

Walter: I'm good.

Messer: All right. All right, people, second half. Let's do this.

Simon: Did you get him through a service?

Messer: Uh, yep.

Simon: Yeah?

Messer: Yep.

Simon: He's your cab driver, isn't he?

Messer: Yep.

Simon: Yeah.

 

 

Announcer: Twenty seconds to go, Hawks down by 1. [Sophie starts crying] No doubt they'll play for the last shot.

Messer: All right, Camera 4, stay with Johnson. Liz, tell Camera 4 to stay with Johnson. Come on.

Liz: I can barely hear you, Messer.

Walter: A foul? Come on, man!

Messer: Okay, ready Camera 6. Walter, she's crying.

Walter: I know, I'm trying to watch the game.

Messer: You are the worst babysitter of all time.

Walter: Because I'm not a babysitter. I’m a cab driver.

Messer: Do something. Please, I'm dying over here. All right, Camera 2, stay with Bibby-- Johnson. All right, stay with the shooter on Camera 2-- No, I mean, Camera 1. Stay on 1, 1, 1. Camera 2, stay with the-- Camera 1 --

Announcer: Alley-oop, and the Hawks win. Unbelievable play by Atlanta. Hawks win by 1. Hands down, the best game of the year. Too bad you all couldn't see it.

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Messer: [Singing] But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell--?

Holly: What are you singing to her?

Messer: Everybody likes Radiohead. Do you mind? What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. Mmm, mmm. [Whispering] See? Told you it works.

Holly: [Whispering] Would it kill you to--?

Messer: Shh.

Holly: You shh! Would it kill you to brighten the mood around here?

Messer: Yeah, it might.

Holly: Come on.

Messer: Why should I pretend to be happy when I’m not? I'm miserable. Let me be miserable.

Holly: It's depressing.

Messer: I don't care.

Holly: Know what? I am so sick of all your dark little comments.

Messer: I ruined my life for her.

Holly: I'm so sorry, Messer, that parenting isn't as fun as you thought it was gonna be.

Messer: Yeah, you're happy because your old life sucked.

Holly: My old life didn't suck.

Messer: Ah, yeah. It did.

Holly: My life was great. I was my own boss, I mean, I made my own hours. I had free time.

Messer: To do what? Bake more? God. You have no idea what a great life is. I had a great life. I went to games for a living. Okay? Girls would buy me drinks and throw themselves at me. You see this shirt? I slept with the girl who sold me this shirt.

Holly: You're disgusting.

Messer: People say you can't have it all. Well, I had it all. And it was awesome.

Holly: Of course you think that's awesome, because all you care about is getting laid. Even Peter was embarrassed by you. He just never said anything to your face because he was twice the man you are.

Messer: You know, you should probably get laid yourself. Except to have sex, you gotta find somebody who can stand you first.

Holly: [Whispers] Fuck you.

Messer: Fuck you.