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簡愛CHAPTER VIII

所屬教程:簡愛

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CHAPTER VIII  

ERE the half-hour ended, five o'clock struck; school was dismissed, and all were gone into the refectory to tea. I now ventured to descend: it was deep dusk; I retired into a corner and sat down on the floor. The spell by which I had been so far supported began to dissolve; reaction took place, and soon, so overwhelming was the grief that seized me, I sank prostrate with my face to the ground. Now I wept: Helen Burns was not here; nothing sustained me; left to myself I abandoned myself, and my tears watered the boards. I had meant to be so good, and to do so much at Lowood: to make so many friends, to earn respect and win affection. Already I had made visible progress; that very morning I had reached the head of my class; Miss Miller had praised me warmly; Miss Temple had smiled approbation; she had promised to teach me drawing, and to let me learn French, if I continued to make similar improvement two months longer: and then I was well received by my fellow-pupils; treated as an equal by those of my own age, and not molested by any; now, here I lay again crushed and trodden on; and could I ever rise more?
'Never,' I thought; and ardently I wished to die. While sobbing out this wish in broken accents, some one approached: I started up- again Helen Burns was near me; the fading fires just showed her coming up the long, vacant room; she brought my coffee and bread.

'Come, eat something,' she said; but I put both away from me, feeling as if a drop or a crumb would have choked me in my present condition. Helen regarded me, probably with surprise: I could not now abate my agitation, though I tried hard; I continued to weep aloud. She sat down on the ground near me, embraced her knees with her arms, and rested her head upon them; in that attitude she remained silent as an Indian. I was the first who spoke-

'Helen, why do you stay with a girl whom everybody believes to be a liar?'

'Everybody, Jane? Why, there are only eighty people who have heard you called so, and the world contains hundreds of millions.'

'But what have I to do with millions? The eighty, I know, despise me.'

'Jane, you are mistaken: probably not one in the school either despises or dislikes you: many, I am sure, pity you much.'

'How can they pity me after what Mr. Brocklehurst has said?'

'Mr. Brocklehurst is not a god: nor is he even a great and admired man; he is little liked here; he never took steps to make himself liked. Had he treated you as an especial favourite, you would have found enemies, declared or covert, all around you; as it is, the greater number would offer you sympathy if they dared.

Teachers and pupils may look coldly on you for a day or two, but friendly feelings are concealed in their hearts; and if you persevere in doing well, these feelings will ere long appear so much the more evidently for their temporary suppression. Besides, Jane'- she paused.

'Well, Helen?' said I, putting my hand into hers: she chafed my fingers gently to warm them, and went on-'If all the world hated you, and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved you, and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.'

'No; I know I should think well of myself; but that is not enough: if others don't love me I would rather die than live- I cannot bear to be solitary and hated, Helen. Look here; to gain some real affection from you, or Miss Temple, or any other whom I truly love, I would willingly submit to have the bone of my arm broken, or to let a bull toss me, or to stand behind a kicking horse, and let it dash its hoof at my chest-'

'Hush, Jane! you think too much of the love of human beings; you are too impulsive, too vehement; the sovereign hand that created your frame, and put life into it, has provided you with other resources than your feeble self, or than creatures feeble as you.

Besides this earth, and besides the race of men, there is an invisible world and a kingdom of spirits: that world is round us, for it is everywhere; and those spirits watch us, for they are commissioned to guard us; and if we were dying in pain and shame, if scorn smote us on all sides, and hatred crushed us, angels see our tortures, recognise our innocence (if innocent we be: as I know you are of this chargewhich Mr. Brocklehurst has weakly and pompously repeated at secondhand from Mrs. Reed; for I read a sincere nature in your ardent eyes and on your clear front), and God waits only the separation of spirit from flesh to crown us with a full reward. Why, then, should we ever sink overwhelmed with distress, when life is so soon over, and death is so certain an entrance to happiness- to glory?'

I was silent; Helen had calmed me; but in the tranquillity she imparted there was an alloy of inexpressible sadness. I felt the impression of woe as she spoke, but I could not tell whence it came; and when, having done speaking, she breathed a little fast and  coughed a short cough, I momentarily forgot my own sorrows to yield to a vague concern for her.

Resting my head on Helen's shoulder, I put my arms round her waist; she drew me to her, and we reposed in silence. We had not sat long thus, when another person came in. Some heavy clouds, swept from the sky by a rising wind, had left the moon bare; and her light, streaming in through a window near, shone full both on us and on the approaching figure, which we at once recognised as Miss Temple.

'I came on purpose to find you, Jane Eyre,' said she; 'I want you in my room; and as Helen Burns is with you, she may come too.'

We went; following the superintendent's guidance, we had to thread some intricate passages, and mount a staircase before we reached her apartment; it contained a good fire, and looked cheerful. Miss Temple told Helen Burns to be seated in a low arm-chair on one side of the hearth, and herself taking another, she called me to her side.

'Is it all over?' she asked, looking down at my face. 'Have you cried your grief away?'

'I am afraid I never shall do that.'

'Why?'

'Because I have been wrongly accused; and you, ma'am, and everybody else, will now think me wicked.'

'We shall think you what you prove yourself to be, my child.

Continue to act as a good girl, and you will satisfy us.'

'Shall I, Miss Temple?'

'You will,' said she, passing her arm round me. 'And now tell me who is the lady whom Mr. Brocklehurst called your benefactress?'

'Mrs. Reed, my uncle's wife. My uncle is dead, and he left me to her care.'

'Did she not, then, adopt you of her own accord?'

'No, ma'am; she was sorry to have to do it: but my uncle, as I have often heard the servants say, got her to promise before he died that she would always keep me.'

'Well now, Jane, you know, or at least I will tell you, that when a criminal is accused, he is always allowed to speak in his own defence.

You have been charged with falsehood; defend yourself to me as well as you can. Say whatever your memory suggests as true; but add nothing and exaggerate nothing.'

I resolved, in the depth of my heart, that I would be most moderate- most correct; and, having reflected a few minutes in order to arrange coherently what I had to say, I told her all the story of my sad childhood. Exhausted by emotion, my language was more subdued than it generally was when it developed that sad theme; and mindful of Helen's warnings against the indulgence of resentment, I infused into the narrative far less of gall and wormwood than ordinary. Thus restrained and simplified, it sounded more credible: I felt as I went on that Miss Temple fully believed me.

In the course of the tale I had mentioned Mr. Lloyd as having come to see me after the fit: for I never forgot the, to me, frightful episode of the red-room: in detailing which, my excitement was sure, in some degree, to break bounds; for nothing could soften in my recollection the spasm of agony which clutched my heart when Mrs. Reed spurned my wild supplication for pardon, and locked me a second time in the dark and haunted chamber.

I had finished: Miss Temple regarded me a few minutes in silence;

she then said-

'I know something of Mr. Lloyd; I shall write to him; if his reply agrees with your statement, you shall be publicly cleared from every imputation; to me, Jane, you are clear now.'

She kissed me, and still keeping me at her side (where I was well contented to stand for I derived a child's pleasure from the contemplation of her face, her dress, her one or two ornaments, her white forehead, her clustered and shining curls, and beaming dark eyes), she proceeded to address Helen Burns.

'How are you to-night, Helen? Have you coughed much to-day?'

'Not quite so much, I think, ma'am.'

'And the pain in your chest?'

'It is a little better.'

Miss Temple got up, took her hand and examined her pulse; then she returned to her own seat: as she resumed it, I heard her sigh low. She was pensive a few minutes, then rousing herself, she said cheerfully-

'But you two are my visitors to-night; I must treat you as such.' She rang her bell.

'Barbara,' she said to the servant who answered it, 'I have not yet had tea; bring the tray and place cups for these two young ladies.'

And a tray was soon brought. How pretty, to my eyes, did the china cups and bright teapot look, placed on the little round table near the fire! How fragrant was the steam of the beverage, and the scent of the toast! of which, however, I, to my dismay (for I was beginning to be hungry), discerned only a very small portion: Miss Temple discerned it too.

'Barbara,' said she, 'can you not bring a little more bread and butter? There is not enough for three.'

Barbara went out: she returned soon-

'Madam, Mrs. Harden says she has sent up the usual quantity.' Mrs. Harden, be it observed, was the housekeeper: a woman after Mr. Brocklehurst's own heart, made up of equal parts of whalebone and iron.

'Oh, very well!' returned Miss Temple; 'we must make it do, Barbara, I suppose.' And as the girl withdrew she added, smiling, 'Fortunately, I have it in my power to supply deficiencies for this once.'

Having invited Helen and me to approach the table, and placed before each of us a cup of tea with one delicious but thin morsel of toast, she got up, unlocked a drawer, and taking from it a parcel wrapped in paper, disclosed presently to our eyes a good-sized seed-cake.

'I meant to give each of you some of this to take with you,' said she, 'but as there is so little toast, you must have it now,' and she proceeded to cut slices with a generous hand.

We feasted that evening as on nectar and ambrosia; and not the least delight of the entertainment was the smile of gratification with which our hostess regarded us, as we satisfied our famished appetites on the delicate fare she liberally supplied.

Tea over and the tray removed, she again summoned us to the fire; we sat one on each side of her, and now a conversation followed between her and Helen, which it was indeed a privilege to be admitted to hear.

Miss Temple had always something of serenity in her air, of state in her mien, of refined propriety in her language, which precluded deviation into the ardent, the excited, the eager: something which chastened the pleasure of those who looked on her and listened to her, by a controlling sense of awe; and such was my feeling now: but as to Helen Burns, I was struck with wonder.

The refreshing meal, the brilliant fire, the presence and kindness of her beloved instructress, or, perhaps, more than all these, something in her own unique mind, had roused her powers within her. They woke, they kindled: first, they glowed in the bright tint of her cheek, which till this hour I had never seen but pale and bloodless; then they shone in the liquid lustre of her eyes, which had suddenly acquired a beauty more singular than that of Miss Temple's- a beauty neither of fine colour nor long eyelash, nor pencilled brow, but of meaning, of movement, of radiance. Then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed, from what source I cannot tell. Has a girl of fourteen a heart large enough, vigorous enough, to hold the swelling spring of pure, full, fervid eloquence? Such was the characteristic of Helen's discourse on that, to me, memorable evening; her spirit seemed hastening to live within a very brief span as much as many live during a protracted existence.

They conversed of things I had never heard of; of nations and times past; of countries far away; of secrets of nature discovered or guessed at: they spoke of books: how many they had read! What stores of knowledge they possessed! Then they seemed so familiar with French names and French authors: but my amazement reached its climax when Miss Temple asked Helen if she sometimes snatched a moment to recall the Latin her father had taught her, and taking a book from a shelf, bade her read and construe a page of Virgil; and Helen obeyed, my organ of veneration expanding at every sounding line. She had scarcely finished ere the bell announced bedtime! no delay could be admitted; Miss Temple embraced us both, saying, as she drew us to her heart-

'God bless you, my children!'

Helen she held a little longer than me: she let her go more reluctantly; it was Helen her eye followed to the door; it was for her she a second time breathed a sad sigh; for her she wiped a tear from her cheek.

On reaching the bedroom, we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd: she was examining drawers; she had just pulled out Helen Burns's, and when we entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand, and told that to-morrow she should have half a dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her shoulder.

'My things were indeed in shameful disorder,' murmured Helen to me, in a low voice: 'I intended to have arranged them, but I forgot.'

Next morning, Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece of pasteboard the word 'Slattern,' and bound it like a phylactery round Helen's large, mild, intelligent, and benign-looking forehead. She wore it till evening, patient, unresentful, regarding it as a deserved punishment. The moment Miss Scatcherd withdrew after afternoon school, I ran to Helen, tore it off, and thrust it into the fire: the fury of which she was incapable had been burning in my soul all day, and tears, hot and large, had continually been scalding my cheek; for the spectacle of her sad resignation gave me an intolerable pain at the heart.

About a week subsequently to the incidents above narrated, Miss Temple, who had written to Mr. Lloyd, received his answer: it appeared that what he said went to corroborate my account. Miss Temple, having assembled the whole school, announced that inquiry had been made into the charges alleged against Jane Eyre, and that she was most happy to be able to pronounce her completely cleared from every imputation. The teachers then shook hands with me and kissed me, and a murmur of pleasure ran through the ranks of my companions.

Thus relieved of a grievous load, I from that hour set to work afresh, resolved to pioneer my way through every difficulty: I toiled hard, and my success was proportionate to my efforts; my memory, not naturally tenacious, improved with practice; exercise sharpened my wits; in a few weeks I was promoted to a higher class; in less than two months I was allowed to commence French and drawing. I learned the first two tenses of the verb Etre, and sketched my first cottage (whose walls, by the bye, outrivalled in slope those of the leaning tower of Pisa), on the same day. That night, on going to bed, I forgot to prepare in imagination the Barmecide supper of hot roast potatoes, or white bread and new milk, with which I was wont to amuse my inward cravings: I feasted instead on the spectacle of ideal drawings, which I saw in the dark; all the work of my own hands: freely pencilled houses and trees, picturesque rocks and ruins, Cuyp-like groups of cattle, sweet paintings of butterflies hovering over unblown roses, of birds picking at ripe cherries, of wrens' nests enclosing pearl-like eggs, wreathed about with young ivy sprays. I examined, too, in thought, the possibility of my ever being able to translate currently a certain little French story which Madame Pierrot had that day shown me; nor was that problem solved to my satisfaction ere I fell sweetly asleep.

Well has Solomon said- 'Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.'

I would not now have exchanged Lowood with all its privations for Gateshead and its daily luxuries.
 
 

第八章

 
 
半個小時(shí)不到,鐘就敲響了五點(diǎn)。散課了,大家都進(jìn)飯廳去吃茶點(diǎn),我這才大著膽走下凳子。這時(shí)暮色正濃,我躲進(jìn)一個角落,在地板上坐了下來。一直支撐著我的魔力消失了,被不良反應(yīng)所取代。我傷心不已,臉朝下?lián)涞乖诘兀窟罂奁饋?。海?彭斯不在,沒有東西支撐我。孤身獨(dú)處,我難以自制,眼淚灑到了地板上。我曾打算在羅沃德表現(xiàn)那么出色,做那么多事情,交那么多朋友,博得別人的尊敬,贏得大家的愛護(hù),而且已經(jīng)取得了明顯的進(jìn)步。就在那天早上,我在班上己經(jīng)名列前矛,米勒小姐熱情夸獎我,坦普爾小姐微笑著表 示 贊許,還答應(yīng)教我繪畫,讓我學(xué)法文、只要我在兩個月之內(nèi)繼續(xù)取得同樣的進(jìn)步,此外,我也深受同學(xué)們的歡迎,同我年齡相仿的人也對我平等相待,我已不再受人欺悔。然而此刻,我又被打倒在地,遭人踐踏。我還有翻身之日嗎?

“永遠(yuǎn)沒有了,”我想,滿心希望自己死掉。正當(dāng)我泣不成聲地吐出了這個心愿時(shí),有人走近了我,我驚跳了起來,又是海倫.彭斯靠近了我,漸暗的爐火恰好照亮她走過空空蕩蕩的長房間她給我端來了咖啡和面包。

“來,吃點(diǎn)東西,”她說,可是我們把咖啡和面包都從我面前推開了,只覺得仿佛眼下一滴咖啡或一口面包就會把我噎住似的。海倫凝視著我,也許很驚奇,這時(shí)我雖已竭盡全力,卻仍無法抑制內(nèi)心的激動,仍然一個勁兒號啕著,她在我身旁的地上坐下,胳膊抱著雙膝,把頭靠在膝頭上,她就那么坐著,不言不語,像一個印度人。倒是我第一個開了腔:

“海倫,你怎么會跟一個人人都相信她會說謊的人呆在一起呢?”

“是人人嗎,簡?瞧,只有八十個人聽見叫你撒謊者,而世界上有千千萬萬的人呢。”

“可是我跟那千千萬萬的人有什么關(guān)系呢?我認(rèn)識的八十個人瞧不起我。”

“簡,你錯啦,也許學(xué)校里沒有一個人會瞧不起你,或者討厭你,我敢肯定,很多人都那么同情你。”

“布羅克赫斯特先生說了話以后,她們怎么可能同情我呢。”

“布羅克赫斯特先生不是神,也不是一個值得欽佩的偉人。這里人不喜歡他。他也不想法讓人喜歡他。要是他把你看成他的寵兒,你倒會處處樹敵,公開的,或者暗地里的都會有。而現(xiàn)在這樣,大多數(shù)膽子大一點(diǎn)的人是會同情你的。而要是你繼續(xù)努力,好好表現(xiàn),這些感情正因?yàn)闀簳r(shí)的壓抑,不久就會更加明顯地表露出來。此外,簡”她剎住了話頭。

“怎樣。海倫?”我說著把自己手塞到了她手里,她輕輕地揉著我的手指,使它們暖和過來,隨后又說下去:

“即使整個世界恨你,并且相信你很壞,只要你自己問心無愧,知道你是清白的,你就不會沒有朋友。”

“不,我明白我覺得自己不錯,但這還不夠,要是別人不愛我, 那么與其活著還不如死去——我受不了孤獨(dú)和別人的厭惡,海倫。瞧,為了從你那兒,或者坦普爾小姐,或是任何一個我確實(shí)所愛的人那兒,得到真正的愛,我會心甘情愿忍受胳膊骨被折斷,或者愿讓一頭公牛把我懸空拋起,或者站在一匹蹶腿的馬后面,任馬蹄踢向我胸膛——”

“噓,簡!你太看重人的愛了,你的感情太沖動你的情緒太激烈了。一只至高無上的手創(chuàng)造了你的軀體,又往里面注入了生命,這只手除了造就了你脆弱的自身,或者同你一樣脆弱的創(chuàng)造物之外,還給你提供了別的財(cái)富。在地球和人類之外,還有一個看不見的世界,一個精靈王國。這個世界包圍著我們,無所不在。那些精靈們注視著我們,奉命守護(hù)我們。要是我們在痛苦和恥辱中死去;要是來自四面八方的鄙視刺傷了我們;要是仇恨壓垮了我們,天使們會看到我們遭受折磨,會承認(rèn)我們清白無辜(如果我們確實(shí)清白無辜,我知道你受到了布羅克赫斯特先生指控,但這種指控軟弱無力,夸大其詞,不過是從里德太太那兒轉(zhuǎn)手得來的,因?yàn)槲覐哪銦崆榈难劬?,從你明凈的前額上,看到了誠實(shí)的本性),上帝只不過等待靈魂與肉體分離,以賜予我們充分酬報(bào)。當(dāng)生命很快結(jié)束,死亡必定成為幸福與榮耀的入口時(shí),我們?yōu)槭裁催€要因?yàn)閼n傷而沉淪呢?”

我默不作聲。海倫已經(jīng)使我平靜下來了,但在她所傳遞的寧靜里,混雜著一種難以言傳的悲哀。她說話時(shí)我感受到了這種悲哀,但不知道它從何而來。話一講完,她開始有點(diǎn)氣急,短短地咳了幾聲,我立刻忘掉了自己的苦惱,隱隱約約地為她擔(dān)起心來。

我把頭靠在海倫的肩上,雙手抱住了她的腰,她緊緊摟住我,兩人默默地偎依著。我們沒坐多久,另外一個人進(jìn)來了。這時(shí),一陣剛起的風(fēng),吹開了沉重的云塊,露出了月亮,月光瀉進(jìn)近旁的窗戶,清晰地照亮了我們兩人和那個走近的身影,我們立刻認(rèn)出來,那是坦普爾小姐。

“我是特地來找你的,簡.愛,”她說,“我要你到我房間里去,既然海倫.彭斯也在,那她也一起來吧。”

我們?nèi)チ?。在這位校長的帶領(lǐng)下,我們穿過了一條條復(fù)雜的過道,登上一座樓梯,才到她的寓所。房間里爐火正旺,顯得很愜意。坦普爾小姐叫海倫.彭斯坐在火爐一邊的低靠手椅里,她自己在另一條靠手椅上坐下,把我叫到她身邊。

“全都過去了嗎?”她俯身瞧著我的臉問。“把傷心都哭光了?”

“恐怕我永遠(yuǎn)做不到。”

“為什么?”

“因?yàn)槲冶辉┩髁?,小姐,你,還有所有其他人,都會認(rèn)為我很壞。”

“孩子,我們會根據(jù)你的表現(xiàn)來看待你的。繼續(xù)做個好姑娘,你會使我滿意的。”

“我會嗎,坦普爾小姐?”

“你會的,”她說著用胳膊摟住我。“現(xiàn)在你告訴我,被布羅克赫斯特稱為你的恩人的那位太太是誰?”

“里德太太,我舅舅的妻子。我舅舅去世了,他把我交給她照顧。”

“那他不是自己主動要撫養(yǎng)你了?”

“不是,小姐。她感到很遺憾,不得不撫養(yǎng)我。但我常聽仆人們說,我舅舅臨終前要她答應(yīng),永遠(yuǎn)撫養(yǎng)我。”

“好吧,簡,你知道,或者至少我要讓你知道,罪犯在被起訴時(shí),往往允許為自己辯護(hù)。你被指責(zé)為說謊,那你就在我面前盡力為自己辯護(hù)吧,凡是你記得的事實(shí)你都說,可別加油添醋,夸大其詞。”

我暗下決心,要把話說得恰如其分,準(zhǔn)確無誤。我思考了幾分鐘,把該說的話理出了個頭緒,便一五一十地向她訴說了我悲苦的童年。我己激動得精疲力盡,所以談到這個傷心的話題時(shí),說話比平時(shí)要克制。我還記住了海倫的告誡,不一味沉溺于怨詞,敘述時(shí)所摻雜的刻薄與惱恨比往日少得多,而且態(tài)度收斂,內(nèi)容簡明,聽來更加可信。我覺得,我往下說時(shí),坦普爾小姐完全相信我的話。

我在敘述自己的經(jīng)歷時(shí),還提到了勞埃德先生,說他在我昏厥后來看過我。我永遠(yuǎn)忘不了可怕的紅房子事件,有詳細(xì)訴說時(shí),我的情緒有點(diǎn)失態(tài),因?yàn)楫?dāng)里德太太斷然拒絕我發(fā)瘋似的求饒,把我第二次關(guān)進(jìn)黑洞洞鬧鬼的房子時(shí),那種陣陣揪心的痛苦,在記憶中是什么也撫慰不了的。

我講完了。坦普爾小姐默默地看了我?guī)追昼姡S后說:

“勞埃德先生我有些認(rèn)識,我會寫信給他的。要是他的答復(fù)同你說的相符,我們會公開澄清對你的詆毀。對我來說,簡,現(xiàn)在你說的相符,我們會公開澄清對你的詆毀。對我來說,簡,現(xiàn)在你已經(jīng)清白了。”

她吻了吻我,仍舊讓我呆在她身邊(我很樂意站在那里,因?yàn)槲叶嗽斨拿嫒?、她的裝束、她的一、二件飾品、她那白皙的額頭、她那一團(tuán)團(tuán)閃光的卷發(fā)和烏黑發(fā)亮的眼睛時(shí),得到了一種孩子般的喜悅)。她開始同海倫.彭斯說話了。

“今晚你感覺怎么樣,海倫?你今天咳得厲害嗎?”

“我想不太厲害,小姐。”

“胸部的疼痛呢?”

“好一點(diǎn)了。”

坦普爾小姐站起來,拉過她的手,按了按脈搏,隨后回到了自己的座位上。坐定以后,我聽她輕聲嘆了口氣。她沉思了一會,隨后回過神來,高興地說:

“不過今晚你們倆是我的客人,我必須按客人相待,”她按了下鈴。

“巴巴拉,”她對應(yīng)召而來的傭人說,“我還沒有用茶呢,你把盤子端來,給兩位小姐也放上杯子。”

盤子很快就端來了,在我的目光中,這些放在火爐旁小園桌上的瓷杯和亮晃晃的茶壺多么漂亮!那飲料的熱氣和烤面包的味兒多香!但使我失望的是(因?yàn)槲乙验_始覺得餓了),我發(fā)現(xiàn)那份兒很小,坦普爾小姐也同樣注意到了,

“巴巴拉,”她說,“不能再拿點(diǎn)面包和黃油來嗎?這不夠三個人吃呀。”

巴巴拉走了出去,但很快又回來了。

“小姐,哈登太太說已經(jīng)按平時(shí)的份量送來了。”

得說明一下,哈登太太是個管家,這個女人很合布羅克赫斯特先生的心意,兩人的心一樣都是鐵鑄的。

“啊,好吧,”坦普爾小姐回答,“我想我們只好將就了,巴巴拉。”等這位姑娘一走,她便笑著補(bǔ)充說:“幸好我自己還能夠彌補(bǔ)這次的欠缺。”

她邀海倫與我湊近桌子,在我們倆面前各放了一杯茶和一小片可口卻很薄的烤面包,隨后打開抽屜,從里面抽出一個紙包,我們眼前立刻出現(xiàn)了一個大果子餅。

“我本想讓你們各自帶一點(diǎn)兒回去,”她說,“但是因?yàn)榭久姘@么少,你們現(xiàn)在就得吃掉了。”她很大方地把餅切成了厚片。

那天夜晚,我們吃了香甜的飲料和食品,享受了一次盛宴。當(dāng)她慷慨提供的美食,滿足了我們的轆轆饑腸時(shí),我們的女主人面帶滿意的微笑,望著我們,那笑容也一樣令人愉快。吃完茶點(diǎn),端走了托盤后,她又招呼我們到火爐邊去。我們兩人一邊一個坐在她身旁。這時(shí),她與海倫開始了談話,而我能被允許旁聽,實(shí)在也是有幸。

坦普爾小姐向來神態(tài)安詳,風(fēng)度莊重,談吐文雅得體,這使她不至于陷入狂熱、激奮和浮躁,同樣也使看著她和傾聽她的人,出于一種敬畏心情,不會露出過份的喜悅,這就是我此刻的情感。但海倫的情況卻使我十分吃驚。

因?yàn)椴椟c(diǎn)振奮了精神,爐火在熊熊燃燒,因?yàn)橛H愛的導(dǎo)師在場并待她很好,也許不止這一切,而是她獨(dú)一無二的頭腦中的某種東西,激發(fā)了她內(nèi)在的種種力量。這些力量被喚醒了,被點(diǎn)燃了,起初閃爍在一向蒼白而沒有血色現(xiàn)在卻容光煥發(fā)的臉上,隨后顯露在她水靈靈炯炯有神的眼睛里,這雙眼睛突然之間獲得了一種比坦普爾小姐的眼睛更為獨(dú)特的美,它沒有好看的色彩,沒有長長的睫毛,沒有用眉筆描過的眉毛,卻那么意味深長,那么流動不息,那么光芒四射。隨后她似乎心口交融,說話流暢。這些話從什么源頭流出來,我無從判斷。一個十四歲的女孩有這樣活躍、這樣寬大的胸懷,裝得下這純潔、充盈、熾熱的雄辯之泉么?這就是那個使我難以忘懷的夜晚海倫談話的特色。她的心靈仿佛急于要在短暫的片刻中,過得與眾多長期茍活的人一樣充實(shí)。

她們談?wù)撝覐奈绰犝f過的事情,談到了逝去的民族和時(shí)代,談到了遙遠(yuǎn)的國度;談到了被發(fā)現(xiàn)或臆測到的自然界的奧秘,還談到了書籍。她們看過的書真多??!她們掌握的知識真豐富!隨后她們似乎對法國人名和法國作者了如指掌。但最使我驚訝的是,這時(shí)坦普爾小姐問海倫是不是抽空在復(fù)習(xí)她爸爸教她的拉丁文,還從書架上取了一本書,吩咐她朗讀和解釋維吉爾①的一頁著作,海倫照著做了。我每聽一行朗朗的詩句,對她也就愈加肅然起敬。她幾乎還沒有讀完,上床鈴就響了,已不允許任何拖延。坦普爾小姐擁抱了我們倆,她把我們摟到懷里時(shí)說:

“上帝保佑你們,我的孩子們!”

她擁抱海倫比擁抱我要長些,更不情愿放她走。她一直目送海倫到門邊,為了海倫,她再次傷心地嘆了口氣;為了海倫,她從臉上抹去了一滴眼淚,

到了寢室,我們聽見了斯卡查德小姐的嗓音,她正在檢查抽屜,而且剛好已把海倫的抽屜拉出來。我們一走進(jìn)房間,海倫便當(dāng)頭挨了一頓痛罵。她告訴海倫,明天要把五六件疊得亂七八糟的東西別在她的肩上。

“我的東西亂糟糟的真丟臉,”海倫喃喃地同我說,“我是想把它們放整齊的,可總是忘了。”

第二早上,斯卡查德小姐在一塊紙牌上寫下了十分醒目的兩個字“邋遢”,像經(jīng)文護(hù)符匣一樣,把它系在海倫那寬大、溫順、聰穎、一付善相的額頭上。她那么耐心而毫無怨言地佩戴著它,視之為應(yīng)得的懲罰,一直戴到晚上。下午放學(xué)以后,斯卡查德小姐一走,我便跑到海倫那兒,一把撕下這塊牌子,把它扔進(jìn)火里。她所不會有的火氣,整天在我心中燃燒著,大滴大滴熱淚,一直燒灼著我的臉頰,她那付悲哀的、聽天由命的樣子,使我心里痛苦得難以忍受。

上述事件發(fā)生后大約一周,坦普爾小姐寫給勞埃德先生的信有了回音。他在信中所說的,進(jìn)一步證實(shí)了我的自述。坦普爾小姐把全校師生召集起來,當(dāng)眾宣布,對簡.愛所受的指責(zé)己經(jīng)作了調(diào)查,而且很高興地聲明對簡.愛的詆毀己徹底澄清。教師們隨后同我握了手,吻了我,一陣歡悅的低語,迥蕩在我同伴的隊(duì)伍之中。

這樣我便卸下了一個沉重的包袱。我打算從頭努力,決心排除萬難披荊斬棘地前進(jìn)。我拼命苦干,付出幾分努力,便獲得幾分成功。我的記憶力雖然不是生來很強(qiáng),但經(jīng)過實(shí)干有了改進(jìn),而反復(fù)練習(xí)使我的頭腦更為機(jī)敏。幾周之后,我被升到了高班,不到兩個月我被允許學(xué)習(xí)法文和繪畫。我學(xué)了動詞Etre的最基本的兩個時(shí)態(tài);同一天我作了第一幅茅屋素描(順便說一句,屋子墻壁的傾斜度可與比薩斜塔相媲美)。那天夜里上床時(shí),我忘了在遐想中準(zhǔn)備有熱的烤土豆或白面包與新鮮牛奶的巴米賽德晚餐了,往常我是以此來解饞的。而現(xiàn)在,我在黑暗中所見到的理想畫面成了我的盛宴。所有的畫作都是出自我的手筆,瀟灑自如的房屋、樹木鉛筆畫,別致的巖石和廢墟,克伊普式的牛群,以及各種可愛的畫:有蝴蝶在含苞的玫瑰上翩翩起舞;有鳥兒啄著成熟的櫻桃;有藏著珍珠般鳥蛋的鷦鷯巢穴,四周還繞著一圈嫩綠的長春藤。我還在腦子里掂量了一下,有沒有可能把那天皮埃羅太太給我看的薄薄的法文故事書,流利地翻譯出來。這個問題還沒有滿意解決,我便甜甜地睡著了。

所羅門說得好:“吃素菜,彼此相愛,強(qiáng)如吃肥牛,彼此相恨。”

現(xiàn)在,我決不會拿貧困的羅沃德去換取終日奢華的蓋茨黑德。
 
 

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