GRE寫作滿分范文五十七

"The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things." 

The thought of a passion in reading such a passage as the one given to me as an assignment I can't help but think of an analogy that entered my mind.  It is my enduring interest in the field of multimedia.  I say this because of the ideas in which I cultivate as an artist of many media materials such as paints, film, computer animated software, etc.  Being an expressionist I take in my surroundings and personal experiences from commonplaces and things and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn.  My ideas come from people or things because it tells a story.  The story can be abstract, little, big, or even strange.  To record stories like these may spark ideas that may come to me in a domino effect.  It's beautiful] I shared this with you to conclude that sometimes even common things such as a pencil and an empty page can spelllout your fate and unlimited possibilities when you have a passion or an interest that drives your hunger for innovation.    

COMMENTARY 

This essay is seriously flawed in its analysis of the issue.  The writer attempts to address the topic by focusing on his or her interest in "multimedia" art.  Yet, while isolated words and phrases from the topic appear throughout the essay, the essay never clearly states a position on the issue.  For example, in a discussion of multimedia art, the writer makes the following observation: "Being an expressionist I take in my surroundings and personal experiences from commonplaces and things and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn."  The essay circles around the issue, without ever really engaging it. 

The essay is also marked by serious flaws in language use: inaccurate word choice ("and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn."), unclear pronoun reference ("My ideas come from people or things because it tells a story"), and, in general, a debilitating lack of clarity and precision.  These errors frequently interfere with meaning, a characteristic of many essays scored 2.