GRE作文 ETS官方Issue主題范文(三)

3、
    WORKING TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER AND THE ENVIRONMENT
 
Our Environment, if we take care of it, it will take care of us.  CFCs destroying the ozone layer, hundreds of acres of the rain forest being destroyed daily, smog-infested air to breathe, global warming, world population increasing at an exponential rate, these are but a few of the things that we need to not only think about, but find ways to deal with them.  We are not given this world by our ancestors we are borrowing it from our children and our children's children.
We spend so much time trying to fix other countries problems, when we should be incorporating them in working toward solving the environmental issues.  If we do not this huge, living planet will eventually  become a lifeless hunk of rock floating in the large universe.

 
There are many ways that we can begin to work on these problems.  First  decrease the amount of CFC production and usage.  Second save the rain forests, which are being cut down to make farmland that is not properly maintained.  In a few years this farmland becomes infertile and more land is needed; thus more of the rain forest is destroyed. Educating farmers on different crops that will replentish the soil and keep it fertile.  Third develop alterative methods of  power other than fossil fuels, such as more hydro-electric,solar,and wind generated.  The increasing population is going to require more food production as well as other needs.  We need to be willing and able to manage our resources to meet these needs.  If we work together we can accomplish the things that are necessary to protect the Earth and our future on it.
 
評價
This essay presents a clear position on the issue but is limited in its development.  The author first argues that everyone needs to cooperate to solve environmental problems and then lists the ways in which "we can begin to work on these problems": lowering CFC's, saving rain forests, developing alternative energy sources, and increasing food production.  Although the proposed solutions are clearly relevant, they are not sufficiently explained, nor is the topic's claim about the challenges of international cooperation adequately addressed.
 
The overall organizational plan is adequate: introduction, list of solutions and a conclusion.  Within the essay, however, the ideas are not always organized logically.  In the first paragraph, for example, the sentence about "our ancestors" is followed abruptly by the idea that we need to work with other nations.  The writer could improve this essay by clarifying the connection between ideas and by explaining these ideas in more depth.
 
Sentence-structure problems (run-on sentences, fragments, lack of parallelism) appear throughout the essay: "We are not given this world by our ancestors we are????"  At times, the sentence structure is so awkward that the reader is somewhat confused about the writer's intended meaning: for example, "incorporating them in working."
 
 
2、Environmental problems will require a joint efferct amoung people to solve, however, environmental problems may not cause people to come together.  Should the problems continue for an extended period of time before any effert is made to solve them, they will reach a point of no return no matter how people come together to work on it.  When this happens there will be increased shortage in our natural resouses.  As supply of our resouces goes down and demand remains the same or goes up there will be increased presure to claim what resouces remain.  So instead of people working together to solve the problem, they will be fighting for what's left by the problem.
 
To solve this, people need to come together before the problem reaches a state of no return.  This may be hard to do since the effects of environmental problems are not yet felt by a large degree (if felt at all) by everyone.  At this point in time many feel it is not there problem to worry about since it does not immediatly effect them.  To remidy this people should become more aware of their current environment.
 
 
評價
This response is seriously flawed.  The essay's strongest feature is its fairly clear position:  it agrees with the claim that environmental problems will require cooperation and presents a scenario for what will happen if there is no cooperation -- conflict over diminishing resources
However, the position is not adequately developed.  Threatened "resources" and the "effects of environmental problems" are mentioned but not specified, and the essay does not provide any examples of how people might "come together" to address the problem or how they might "become more aware of their current environment."

 
Some of the sentences are worded clearly ("So instead of people working together???"), but others are so flawed by imprecise word choice that the meaning is difficult to understand yet felt by a large degree (if felt at all) by everyone."
 
Also, a pervasive pattern of errors, including run-on sentences (the first sentence, for example) and unclear pronoun referents keep this essay at the score level of 2.
 
1、
In todays society we spend to much time addressing issues that will not prepare us for the trials and tributlations facing our young people.
 
For example, there is a war on drugs that is effecting every family in america, without any consideration for race, gender, or enthic background.  This country needs to develop a systerm on how to deal with this ongoing problem effecting americans.  There are certain issues that constantly take center stage in america; for example race relations has return to the horrible days of the fifiths.  There is know doubt that we are facing troubling times, and we are not paying attention to what is going on. We need to get back to our value systerm, family, work, church, and responsibility and emphasis to our children the importancy of education and respect of others.  If we provide a healthy model we can help curve the violence and mayheam the that is destroying our schools, cities and states.
 
Finally, if we are proud of being  americans, less take this problem and do something about it by diversity training and multi- cultural activities.
 
Sincerely,
 
評價
This essay provides little evidence of a coherent response to the topic and contains severe and persistent errors in language and sentence structure.
 
The essay seems to define "environment" broadly, though vaguely, as the "cultural environment."  While the idea that environmental problems are fundamentally cultural in origin could be the basis for a promising essay, this response does not coherently develop that idea.  Moreover, the writer does not address the issue's claims about international cooperation.  Instead the essay jumps from problem to problem without adequately describing those problems.  For example, "the war on drugs" is referred to as a problem, but it is not clear whether it is law enforcement's "war" on drugs or people's use of drugs that is the issue.
 
The essay contains numerous errors that interfere with comprehension.  These include errors in word usage ("emphasis to our children," "less take this problem") and grammar ("race relations has return to").  Finally, the essay ends with a closing ("Sincerely") that is more appropriate for a letter than an essay.