考研英語作文考場范文批改及點評(4)

The picture describes a prevailing phenomenon that the copycating(改為copycatting products) is(改為are) become more and more populat(拼寫錯誤，改為popular).In picture the man painting(句子缺謂語，改為is painting) the vase which(此處用定語從句不合適，建議改為and) his mind is fulled(改為full，be full of為固定短語) of money, (逗號改為句號，然后加There are)large of fake products behind with(去掉with，behind本身為介詞，后面不用再加其他介詞)him .That may created(改為creat，may為情態(tài)動詞，情態(tài)動詞后面跟動詞原形) a cultural(改為the culture,cultural為形容詞，此處應該為名詞，再者，culture為不可數(shù)名詞，不能用a修飾)so called(改為which is so called) "copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting)culture" (注意句末加句號)Slow growing(改為Slow-growing) fish are outlive than fast growing one(改為fast-growing ones).Make money we should choice(choice為名詞，此處需要動詞，改為choose) a batter(去掉a，將batter改為better) ways (漢語式英語，整句話可改為If we want to make money, we should choose a better way).In our social(改為名詞形式society) we live(去掉) ,people always saw(改為see,always常與現(xiàn)在時態(tài)連用) the money as their primary reason for being .No mater(改為Whether you are a) businessman or producter(改為a producer) they make money be anxious to achieve quick success and get instant benefits(漢語式英語，改為you will be anxious when you achieve quick success or get instant benefits),(注意斷句)they make money by a wrong means like copy the well goods what sell well(漢語式英語，無邏輯，改為They want to make money by wrong means, for example, they copy the goods which sell well),what more ,producters(拼寫錯誤，改為producers)producting(注意詞性的正確選擇，改為produce) goodsin low capture(改為with a low cost) or added(改為add) poisonous(加things，poisonous為形容詞，用來修飾名詞) in food,how terrible it is ,(注意斷句)that way to product food harmful with people(表達有誤，改為and it is harmful for people) .Obviously the events of sanlu(漢語拼音首字母要大寫，用斜體，改為Sanlu) milk poweder(改為which contains vc poweder) it(去掉) can be said babys' disaste(改為disaster),many knock-off(意思用于此處不正確，改為producers) didn't(文章時態(tài)整體保持一致，改為don’t) conform with official safety standards .Recently,the event about copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting) iphone charger result in user die rise people care about copycating again(漢語式英語，改為which result in the death of users makes people care about copycatting products again.)above(首字母大寫) all of accident caused by fake product i (改為I) think that many reason(改為reasons，many修飾可數(shù)名詞復數(shù)) result it but the most important have three(注意正確使用積累的經典句型，改為can explain the phenomenon, and I would explorethree of the most ones here). The(序數(shù)詞作為“首先，其次，……”解釋時，前面不加定冠詞) first ,was(句子無主語，改為it is) the low moral consciousness of business and producter (漢語式英語，改為that businessmen and producers have low moral consciousness),(加連詞and,兩個句子之間應該用連詞連接)they want noting except(改為but，nothing but為固定用法) money that careless(可改為needless to say) consumers .the(去掉the)second ,from consumers(改為consumers’) options,they choice(改為動詞形式choose) the low price something(改為things) compare with high price(可改為they would like choose the low price things rather than choose high price things) ,and the most of copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting, 后加products) attract consumers by low price .the (去掉the) last as supervision department(加逗號，然后加主語they) didn't enhance supervise.In my opinion there are some ways that defending (改為to defend)the phenomenon of copycating (拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting),primary (改為Primarily,) is(去掉) as consumers we are dong (改為should not)buy the copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting),the (去掉the)second ,surpervision(拼寫錯誤，改為supervision) department take serious methods attack(改為to against) copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting,再加products) producters(刪掉) good people do noting that like help bed tings so we all should join in the campaign that defend copycating(拼寫錯誤，改為copycatting) (整句話改為：and we should make joint efforts to boycott copycatting products)

編輯點評

文章整體是以漢語式英語完成的，建議作者從最簡單的做起，先積累一些詞匯，句子;并學習簡單的語法知識，要寫好文章，首先要能寫出好句子，而好句子則是建立在正確的句子基礎之上。一定要搞清楚句子的成分，簡單句一般是由主語+謂語+賓語或主語+系動詞+表語構成;在弄清楚簡單句的基礎之上，再學習復雜的從句，一步一個腳印，踏踏實實提高自己的寫作成績。你可以在積累、學習一段時間之后，寫一些句子，然后再練習寫文章。

參考分數(shù)：9分(滿分20分)