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老友記第七季723 The One With Chandler and Moni

所屬教程:老友記第七季

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你們有沒有意識到,這是最后一次,我們六個單身的人在這個咖啡廳?這個咖啡廳要發(fā)生什么事了嗎?噢,我知道了.從現(xiàn)在開始,只有你們四個,和我以及這位女士.這位小婦人.這位妻子.這個陳舊的婚姻枷鎖.-陳舊的?-這個年輕性感的婚姻枷鎖.-好多了.-我們該走了.-你們?nèi)ツ睦?-我們要去拿禮服,還要和媽媽一起吃午飯.Joey,你也是?我只是聽到午飯.我也可以去呀,當(dāng)然啦.事實上,我很高興他們離開.我要和你談些事情.-怎么啦?-也許會有點尷尬.如果你需要錢,現(xiàn)在不是時候.明天我要請128個人吃飯.不,不是這個問題.我不是以你朋友的身份說下面的話而是以Monica的哥哥的身份.-但你還是我的朋友?-暫時不是.-那么現(xiàn)在,你還是不是我的伴郎?-不是.-你還是Ross嗎?-是的.你們就快結(jié)婚了,而我激動不已.但是做為她的哥哥,我必須告訴你:如果你傷害了我的妹妹,如果你使她不開心,我會把你摁倒在地上,揣你的屁股.你怎么啦?我是認(rèn)真的!-伙計,不要這樣,我不是開玩笑.-我明白你說的事啦,并且,感謝你的警告.沒問題.我們現(xiàn)在又是朋友了嗎?是的.你不會相信Monica的哥哥剛剛和我說了什么!你在干什么,Mon?我在列一些在婚禮上會出問題的事情.這樣我可以有所準(zhǔn)備.-是些什么事情?-目前為止,比如沒拿禮服,婚紗的蒙面紗找不到,還有就是我極端想念的某些東西.我是負(fù)責(zé)這些的呀.我必須以防萬一.嘿,你們好.記得那個我落選的試演嗎?-那個廣告?-不是.-那部戲劇?-不是.-另外那部戲劇?-不是.-那部電影?-對!-是那部關(guān)于飛行員和他的狗的?-不.不過,那件事很傷我的心.-是一部關(guān)于一次大戰(zhàn)的士兵的.-噢,不錯呀.不過我們稱之為"偉大的戰(zhàn)爭"它確實是.他們希望我回去參演!我今天會有拍攝!恭喜你!-可是今晚上你要參加晚宴呀.-我會在開始之前搞定的.那你快去吧,電影明星!再見了各位,我要去和納粹作戰(zhàn)了.等一下,Joey.我們是在二次大戰(zhàn)和納粹作戰(zhàn),不是一次大戰(zhàn).哇哦.那我們和誰打一次大戰(zhàn)?繼續(xù)呀.你就要遲到了!快去,快去!我們和誰打一次大戰(zhàn)呀?-墨西哥?-沒錯,很對.-嘿,Joey.我們準(zhǔn)備好了.-是呀,我也是.Richard,我們已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好了.JoeyTribbiani,RichardCrosby扮演Vincent.-我和你一起演出?-很高興認(rèn)識你.我真不敢相信.不可思議.你剛剛贏得了奧斯卡獎.不,我沒有.我認(rèn)為你有.我想我落選了,三次.-餅干要嗎?-不了.現(xiàn)在距離開拍還有一個小時.-你們能不能排練一下?-好的,沒問題.好的.開始!-我們必須找到那個排!-不,忘了他們吧,那個排已經(jīng)完了!-什么?-那個排的人都死了!面對現(xiàn)實吧,Tony!那我們該做什么?我們沒有援軍,也沒有食物.食物在地下室里.有土豆和一些通心粉.暫停.Joey,你老是摸你的臉.有問題嗎?沒有.我只是....我認(rèn)為那會是角色的一個很酷的特色.他是個愛摸臉的人.我不這么認(rèn)為.從Richard的最后一句臺詞開始.開始!沒有武器,我們還有食物.土豆,通心粉以及幾罐吐拿魚罐頭!親愛的,我們該走了!我有一個永遠(yuǎn)都不想問的問題:我爸爸能借一串你的珍珠項鏈嗎?你知道他戴哪種款式的嗎?不知道.我只見過他一次,但我猜是,低胸V字型?他是那種"愛顯美"的爸爸.我沒有,我看看Rachel有沒有.好呀,讓更多人知道這件事.你有沒有意識到明天我們就結(jié)婚了?我明晚好像有個約會.-我不敢相信我們做到了.-好像沒有那么令人吃驚.對不起,不過......-沒事了.-怎么啦?好吧,老實說?自從我們訂婚之后,我一直等著看你不安的樣子.老實說?我也是.-真的?-是的.我認(rèn)為如果某些困難突然發(fā)生的話,我會.......變得很不自然.-但是沒有任何事情發(fā)生.-我真高興.謝謝你一直保持鎮(zhèn)靜.這讓我保持鎮(zhèn)靜.-我可能會變得更糟的.-好啦.我就來.[電話鈴響]在禮拜六之前,你找到的是Monica和Chandler.但如果禮拜六之后你打電話,你找到的是Bing先生和Bing太太.請給Bing氏夫婦留言!-Maureen!-你好.-這是我的表妹,Maureen.-我們是Bing氏夫婦.嘿!你們看起來真棒.Bing先生,Bing太太!哇哦,Monica.告訴你們,我以哥哥的身份和Chanlder談了談.說了些什么?我告訴他,如果他傷害了你我會把他摁倒揣他屁股.大家到底怎么啦?我很認(rèn)真的.我會揣他屁股的!Ross,不要再來啦,我的化妝!嗨.-Chandler.-媽媽.感謝你戴了...些東西真令人激動!我以為我們已經(jīng)害得你不敢結(jié)婚了呢.想象一下,很快就會有一大堆姓Bing的小孩.我到時候必須回去工作,讓人往臉上吐口水.至少往你臉上吐口水的是名人.-誰向你吐過?-我不想討論工作.Bing太太?這是我的父母,Judy和JackGeller.-很高興人是你.-那么你是他的父親還是母親?Jack!怎么啦?他們兩個我從來沒碰到過.爸爸,Ross在那里.去和他說話吧.我還沒表現(xiàn)我對這種事沒關(guān)系呢.好呀,各位.好呀...爸爸.你好,Bing先生.-Nora.-Charles.-真高興看到你們都在這里.-是呀.盡管,我們可能看某人看的很多了.以你的年齡,是不是不適合穿成這樣?那你是不是多了些東西而不適合穿成這樣?哦,上帝.你當(dāng)然可以揣他的屁股,兒子.只要你想,你可以揣任何人的屁股.謝謝你們.-Rach,Rach?-怎么啦?和Chandler的爸爸聊聊天,不要讓他和Chandler的媽媽在一起.-他看起來象什么樣?-一個穿著黑色晚禮服的男人.我是Rachel,是Monica和Chandler的朋友.-我是Amanda.-哦,我明白了."一個男人"(音同Amanda)[ROSS敲玻璃杯]大家注意下好嗎?-我是RossGeller.-RossGeller博士.爸爸,不要這樣.正如我說的......我是RossGeller博士.而且我是伴郎.我對今天大家一起在這里有點驚喜.告訴一下那些不太認(rèn)識Chandler的人,他是那種不太相信二人關(guān)系的人.事實上,我認(rèn)為,在他碰到Monica之前......他唯一真正的關(guān)系是......和一個叫Molly的女性.他本來可以娶她的,可是她控制不了她的膀胱.那是他的狗.我沒說那是他的狗嗎?不管怎么說......這個婚姻對我有雙重特殊意義......不僅僅因為新郎是我最好的朋友......還因為新娘是我的妹妹.她是最好的妹妹.各位請舉杯......向這對夫婦致敬.-致Bing氏夫婦.-致Bing氏夫婦!下一次你見到Chandler就在婚禮的過道上了.(國外婚禮兩邊是賓客席,中間留過道讓新娘新郎走過)我不敢相信明天之后婚禮就結(jié)束了.不會結(jié)束的.你就要嫁給Chandler了.是呀.我可以在萬圣節(jié)穿那套禮服!我要熨一下我的禮服.誰來幫我弄一下呀?-我來.-誰要來?有人嗎?-我說了我來了.-沒人嗎?-那好吧,我自己弄.-我不會弄糟的.你很對,我錯了.你今晚真是幫了大忙了.感謝你送我奶奶安全到達(dá)酒店.-當(dāng)然了!這就是為什么我在這里.-好吧.對不起.什么奶奶?-你去哪里了?-送我父母去酒店呀.-我回去工作!-好的.-好墨鏡.-如果我在拍攝的時候戴......就不會有口水跑到我眼睛里了.如果我沒記錯的話,雷朋眼鏡是一次大戰(zhàn)的贊助商.太棒了!好了!待會見.-Chandler在哪里?-我想他在Rachel的房間里.Chandler?Chandler?[敲門]-嘿.-嘿.-Monica在嗎?-她在熨衣服呢,怎么啦?-我想Chandler跑了.-什么?-他留下這個.-"告訴Monica,我很對不起她."天那.怎么啦?"告訴Monica,我很對不起她."要說你自己去說呀.天呀.Chandler就這樣跑了嗎?也許事情不是我們想的這樣."告訴Monica,我很對不起她,我把最后的牛奶都喝完了."或者"告訴Monica,我很對不起她,我用她的鑷子拔鼻毛."我曾經(jīng)看他干過.或者他想告訴她,他要改名成:"告訴Monica,我很對不起她."-這個留言的意思是他很驚慌失措,跑啦!-不要那么悲觀!會不會他現(xiàn)在就坐在那里面?Phoebe,我認(rèn)為Ross是對的.我們該怎么辦?我要去找他,把他帶回來.你們不要讓Monica發(fā)現(xiàn),好嗎?好吧,不過如果你沒找到他,把他帶回來我就把你摁倒,揣你的屁股!我會找到他的.好了,禮服好了.怎么啦?我們?yōu)槟愀械礁吲d.哦,你們真好.我們能談?wù)劽魈煳乙薜娜藛?-我有多幸運(yùn)呀?-真是個好問題.我希望你們也能找到象Chandler的人.我希望我們能盡快找到很像Chandler的人.Joey?你能和我排練一下這幾段嗎?哦,他們才剛剛給我補(bǔ)妝好.-就最后兩頁.-好吧.我找到照片了!照片?什么照片?我妻子的照片!我在你的包里找到的!你能把劇本放低點嗎?我不太樂意.我需要看到你的表情好作出反應(yīng).好吧.我知道你很杰出,演過很多莎士比亞的人物但你老是噴口水到我臉上.-當(dāng)然啦!-你知道你在吐口水?那是真正的演員做的事呀.發(fā)音標(biāo)準(zhǔn)是好演員的表現(xiàn).當(dāng)你發(fā)音標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的時候,你吐口水.真的,我還不知道?謝謝,好吧,我來試試.照片?什么照片?-你見到Chandler了嗎?-沒有,我沒見到他.-該死.-他明天就要結(jié)婚了,對嗎?是的,不用擔(dān)心.一切都會好的.-婚禮見.-我沒被邀請.那就后天見.媽媽?爸爸?你們在這干嗎?你們老是說這個地方,現(xiàn)在我們知道為什么了.-我明白為什么女孩子喜歡來這了.-為什么?因為那個吧臺后的金發(fā)性感尤物.-Gunther?-你媽媽她剛把他加入名單里.-你的名單?-就是那些我們想.....我知道名單是怎么回事.做下喝杯東西吧.我不行,對不起.如果你看到Chandler,告訴他我找他.如果你見到RitaMoreno,告訴她我找她.開始!我找到照片了!什么照片?我妻子的照片,在你的包里!你動我的私人物品?為什么你包里有Paulette的照片?因為,Vincent,我們已經(jīng)是戀人...兩年了!停!很好!拍的不錯,對嗎?你看起來很可怕.最后一句話,你都把我弄濕了.-這是明天的劇本.-我明天沒工作呀.-現(xiàn)在有了.-不,你要幫幫我.我有計劃,很重要的計劃!-還是沒有Chandler的消息.-天呀.不過他們在第五大道找到奶奶了.至少搞定一件事.我今天結(jié)婚啦!我的肋骨傷到了.不過我不在乎,今天是我的婚禮!我的婚禮終于到啦!她也許根本沒注意到他跑掉了.我要開始準(zhǔn)備了!我們不能讓她開始準(zhǔn)備.太糟啦!她穿好了婚紗,可是他沒出現(xiàn).然后她就得脫下婚紗停!你不能在這里說這件事.對不起,對不起.只是太傷感了.不要這樣子.她不能看到你這樣子.-她會發(fā)現(xiàn)有問題的.-我知道,我知道.這里還沒有紙巾.你能幫我撕些衛(wèi)生紙下來嗎?也用完了.這里真是Monica的浴室吧?-我找到一張.-好了.謝謝.天呀.你能再給我一張嗎?當(dāng)然.你還需不需要一些棉線?我不敢想象他不出現(xiàn)的話會發(fā)生什么.這里還有一些.她會穿著婚紗等著然后人們就會低聲說:"那個可憐的女孩"然后她就回來這里,孤獨(dú)的生活.-天呀.-怎么啦?在垃圾桶里有個懷孕測試儀,而且顯示是有孕.Monica懷孕了.我猜她至少不是完全孤獨(dú)的.
723 The One With Chandler and Monica’s Wedding
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: That’s much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What’s up?
Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler: But you’re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we…friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon?
Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!
Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh that’s great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!
Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.
Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didn’t.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: Uh…Cookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.
Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well…h(huán)onestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We’re the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi…dad.
Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing.
Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!
Woman: I’m Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: I’ll do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said I’ll do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.
Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler?
Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?
Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Joey: All right.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?!
Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn’t invited.
Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.
Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!
Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.
Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!
Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?
Rachel: I’ll figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: I’m having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But you’re not bald.
Joey: It’s not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!
Richard: I’m wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know.
Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!
Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.
Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then…
Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.
Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Let’s go to lunch.
Monica: I can’t go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) What’s going on?
Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.
Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Let’s reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Let’s take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?
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