老友記第六季The One With The Apothecary Table
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- 參考譯文
嘿，這真不可思議。我把我編的笑話寄給《花花公子》，他們竟然登出來了！ 真不知道《花花公子》還登笑話。 沒錯(cuò)，他們登笑話，采訪稿，有力的新聞，并不只是那些照片。 反正不會(huì)說服媽媽看，我們也不看。 瞧這，頭一條就是我的。 很有趣，更有趣的是，這笑話是我編的。 什么？ 這笑話是我編的 不，不，不對(duì)，這是我編的。 是我編的。我在上班的時(shí)候把它講給DAN，他說這是他聽過的最好的笑話。 嘿，替我謝謝DAN。 怎么了？ 對(duì)不起，我在看下面那則笑話，啊，它真搞笑。 莫尼卡，你記得我給你講過這個(gè)笑話，對(duì)嗎？ 不記得。 真的？ 你的笑話講的太多了！ 聽著錢德，這是我的笑話。但是，嘿，他們沒有印我的名字，也許這讓你好過一點(diǎn)。 所以究竟該歸功于誰并不重要，對(duì)吧？ 對(duì)，我想是。 嘿，諸位。 嘿喬依，《花花公子》登出了我的笑話。 不，這是我的笑話，是我的。你可以給他們打電話，他們會(huì)告訴你的。 是我的笑話。 是我的笑話。 哇嗚！笑話？ 你們肯定知道里面有裸體小妞，對(duì)吧？ 伙計(jì)快換臺(tái)到Behind the Music（節(jié)目名），HEART樂隊(duì)現(xiàn)在的日子可不好過，我猜他們要解散了。咱們到你那看去吧。 不行，莫尼卡在看烹飪節(jié)目?？?，我可不想錯(cuò)過第一手消息。 錢德，錢德，知道咱們應(yīng)該干點(diǎn)什么？咱們應(yīng)該出去逛逛，買些太陽鏡。 什么？不！我要看電視。你的有線電視壞了？ 沒有，那是VH-1。我得說，不知道為什么，我覺得今天這些家伙的音樂太吵了。 喬依，為什么你的有線電視沒了？ 我..因?yàn)椋鋵?shí)是因?yàn)槲覜]有交費(fèi)。 如果你需要錢，可不可以請(qǐng)你允許我借給你？ 不錢德。聽著你別放在心上，好嗎？自從Janine搬走以后，我手頭確實(shí)有點(diǎn)緊。不過，她真的很辣。哇嗚。 我知道！但是我能解決，好嗎？瞧，我可以聽收音機(jī)，而且羅斯給了我這本好看的雜志。 好吧，想不想到笑話剽竊者那去，看看能不能在他那看電視？ 好。 電話費(fèi)交了嗎？ 沒有。 嗨. 還好，是你自己。 你們?cè)诟?干什么？ 我們?cè)诳础痘ɑü印?噢，我也要看！耶！ 你們是否認(rèn)為這些照片..試圖在講個(gè)什么故事？ 對(duì)，當(dāng)然。我是說，比如這幅，這個(gè)年輕女士，弄丟了她的衣服，所以她光著身子，騎著馬，大聲叫， "衣服在哪，它們?cè)谀模? 當(dāng)然她在草叢里仍然找不到，就象那樣。 哦，這副是：還記得那些日子，你經(jīng)常走出馬廄，撩起你的衣衫，然后俯下身去？ 對(duì)。 你知道，我想和這個(gè)女孩約會(huì)。她很可愛很野性，她知道怎樣點(diǎn)燃激情。我的意思是，她垂手可得。 好吧，我有一個(gè)問題。如果你得選擇我們中一個(gè)做約會(huì)對(duì)象，你們會(huì)選誰？ 我不知道。 我也不知道。 瑞秋 什么?。?我不知道，我也不知道。 HEART 樂隊(duì)不知道有多少動(dòng)人的歌。 沒錯(cuò)。 你知道，Barracuda是我學(xué)會(huì)彈的第一首歌。 所以，你聽到它，你彈了它，說明這首歌一定是你寫的。 嘿，伙計(jì)們，又是那個(gè)笑話。我得說，盡管我當(dāng)時(shí)捧腹大笑，可我其實(shí)沒看懂。 什么，你沒看懂？那個(gè)大夫是只猴子。 要知道猴子是不能開處方的。 不許你笑我的笑話。 你的笑話？要知道雜志社可不這么認(rèn)為，否則就不會(huì)給我100美元的稿費(fèi)。 所以，你偷了我的笑話還偷了我稿費(fèi)。 我本來要從自動(dòng)柜員機(jī)那把它存進(jìn)去，但是現(xiàn)在我要親自送到那個(gè)迷人的柜員小姐那，告訴她我是個(gè)作家。 好吧，她將會(huì)知道你的笑話是偷來的。 噢，你要干什么，跟著我去嗎？ 對(duì)！ 那么我現(xiàn)在哪也不去。 好吧。 結(jié)帳吧。 我說甘德，我沒法付帳因?yàn)槲椰F(xiàn)在沒工作，因而我必須盡量避免奢侈行為，比如結(jié)帳。 好吧，如果你愿意，你可以在這工作。 這個(gè)不好說。你知道我是一個(gè)正規(guī)的肥皂劇演員。這樣的角色轉(zhuǎn)變..我是說，并且那樣的話，我還要服侍我的朋友們。 但是金錢無罪，并且你可以隨便盯著瑞秋看，想看多久就看多久。 什么？！ 我是說彈性工時(shí)。 也許我可以考慮當(dāng)個(gè)服務(wù)員。我可以用用電話嗎？ 她選擇了瑞秋。盡管她試圖掩蓋，但這是明顯的。她竟選擇了瑞秋 他偷了我的笑話，就這么偷走了。 這樣做是不對(duì)，你知道還有什么不對(duì)嗎？菲比選擇了瑞秋。 你知道還有誰選擇了瑞秋？羅斯！你知道羅斯還做了什么？他偷了我的笑話。我要辦一個(gè)笑話雜志。 收錄我每時(shí)每刻編的每一個(gè)笑話。 是個(gè)好主意。 對(duì)！ 你知道壞主意是什么？ 選擇了瑞秋。 說的對(duì)。你聽到有動(dòng)靜嗎？ 也許這聲音來自羅斯，他正往我的腦袋里鉆，企圖竊取我的思想。 是客廳的聲音。 我把雜志看完了。 嘿，諸位。 嗨。 噢，你們看起來真可愛，你們真是可愛的一對(duì)。 莫尼卡，你想說什么？ 沒什么。我只是想重現(xiàn)那天在我那我們有趣的談話。記得嗎，但是你選擇了瑞秋沒選我，真有趣。我也覺得比較有趣。 一點(diǎn)也不有趣！你到底為什么要那樣？為什么不選我？ 好吧。我之所以更傾向瑞秋一點(diǎn)，是因?yàn)槟阌行┨籼?。還是吃午飯去吧！ 這肯定不是事實(shí)。你說我挑剔？那你得有證據(jù)，我要你列個(gè)清單，然后我會(huì)逐條反駁你。 不，好吧，你是對(duì)的，你很隨和，你只是不象瑞秋那樣隨和。瑞秋更溫順，更易相處，就這些。 沒錯(cuò)，人與人是有區(qū)別的。 你知道瑞秋,你讓她做什么，她就做什么。你可以隨便操縱她。 什么？等一下。你是說我是個(gè)軟弱的人？我不是！ 哦，好，對(duì)，你不是。 噢,天呀！你竟然認(rèn)為我是個(gè)軟弱的人。好吧，聽著，我們不帶你去吃午飯。你覺得怎么樣？ 我覺得夠勁，我就是這么想的。快點(diǎn)，莫尼卡, 我們?nèi)コ晕顼垺?你應(yīng)該這就列那個(gè)單子。 她真不可思議。 沒錯(cuò)。你想去哪吃？ 哦，哦，我愛死了那個(gè)日本餐廳。 我討厭日本菜。我們不去那。 好吧，你說去哪都可以。 好。 嘿，甘德,瞧這個(gè)。 錢德真會(huì)搞笑。 嘿羅斯,想喝點(diǎn)什么？因?yàn)槲翼樎愤^去。 好吧，我要咖啡，謝謝。 沒問題，要咖啡嗎？我正要順路過去。 不 不，謝謝。 你們要點(diǎn)什么嗎，因?yàn)槲乙樎愤^去。 我要冰水。 明白！ 喬依,你在干嗎？ 我只是樂于助人。 喬依，親愛的，你不能到柜臺(tái)后面去。 這沒什么，對(duì)吧，甘德? 別對(duì)我使眼色。戴上你的圍裙。 好吧，可是你怎么不讓其他顧客戴圍裙呢？ 喬依, 你在這工作？ 誰說的。 嘿，服務(wù)生。 在！ 喬依,到底怎么回事。你在這工作為什么不告訴我們？ 你知道，這有點(diǎn)難為情。我是說，我曾是個(gè)演員，現(xiàn)在卻成了服務(wù)員。 這有點(diǎn)背道而馳。 就象你的圍裙，它現(xiàn)在成了個(gè)披風(fēng)。 這工作簡單又能賺到錢。我想我會(huì)在這干一段時(shí)間，而且會(huì)得到收入，不是嗎？ 我只是覺得招待你們幾個(gè)有點(diǎn)別扭。 聽著，喬依,我做過這行，我覺得很好。 對(duì)，這有什么別扭的？嘿喬依，我能要點(diǎn)咖啡嗎？ OK,是沒什么可別扭的。 說真的，我早就點(diǎn)過咖啡，可你一直沒給我。 瞧，我又覺得別扭了。 我覺得你在這工作真是棒極了。你能賺很多錢，你將得到第一份小費(fèi)： 那就是別喝黃雪（醉鬼在雪地小便的結(jié)果）哈 哈，2：15，咖啡廳。 你知道嗎，這太好了。我終于有機(jī)會(huì)傳授我的智慧了。 讓我教你幾招我在這工作時(shí)學(xué)到的經(jīng)驗(yàn)。首先，顧客永遠(yuǎn)是正確的。 微笑通常都很奏效。如果有人對(duì)你無禮，就沖著他的松餅打噴嚏。 謝謝，瑞秋. 聽著，你們真是太好了。現(xiàn)在你們是否可以請(qǐng)你們離開這，以便我招待一些新顧客。 這全都是為了出于對(duì)營業(yè)額的考慮。 喬依,說真的，我要的咖啡呢？ 哦，羅斯我太抱歉了。我這就給你上。既然讓你恭候多時(shí)，我給你在咖啡里免費(fèi)泡上一塊松餅。 菲比，我們要跟你談?wù)劇?好啊。 也許我是有點(diǎn)太挑剔，也許瑞秋也有點(diǎn)太軟弱，但是你知道我們是怎么看你的？ 我們很抱歉對(duì)你說這個(gè)，但是，你，菲比,是個(gè)怪物。 哈！ 說的對(duì)，我是個(gè)怪物。 怎么，你可以接受你是個(gè)怪物？ 對(duì)，沒問題。 好吧，那么我也可以接受我是個(gè)挑剔的人。 對(duì)，當(dāng)個(gè)軟弱的人也沒什么。 太棒了，真為你們高興。 我根本就不挑剔！ 我根本就不軟弱！ 誰這么說你們來著？ 你！ 哦，我是個(gè)怪物。什么話我都說。 嘿，甘德。你能－－你能替我一會(huì)嗎？我要做個(gè)試鏡。 不行，我正要去染頭發(fā)。 真的嗎？我還是喜歡你的本色。拜托，老兄，那是個(gè)不錯(cuò)的角色。聽我說，我是男一號(hào)的鐵哥們，我給他預(yù)留了位子，在這等他。瞧這個(gè)。 "對(duì)不起，那個(gè)位子已經(jīng)預(yù)訂了。" 這就是你的角色？ 好吧，他也不是是他的什么鐵哥們，但是， 得了，一個(gè)小時(shí)后見。 噢，我肯定可以拿到那個(gè)角色。"對(duì)不起，那個(gè)位子已經(jīng)預(yù)訂了。" 對(duì)不起。 不，我沒說你。不過，你當(dāng)真了？ 我真的認(rèn)為你給什么人訂了座位。 所以你雇用我了，對(duì)嗎？ 干嗎？ 這就對(duì)了！好吧，各位聽著。我們的咖啡廳要停業(yè)一小時(shí)。 嗯？什么？ 這都是為了孩子。讓孩子們遠(yuǎn)離毒品。這是這個(gè)月《花花公子》的主題。你們肯定都看過了。 這笑話是我的。 是我的。 是我的。 我認(rèn)為我們這樣是解決不了問題的。 我們找莫尼卡來裁定。 好極了！ 好極了！ 嘿，莫尼卡. 莫尼卡到這來！ 莫尼卡！ 你得幫我們裁定這笑話到底是誰的。 為什么讓我？ 因?yàn)槟闶俏ㄒ豢梢宰龅焦娜恕?沒錯(cuò)。 我沒法公正。你是我的男友。 可我是你的哥哥。我們是一家人。家人是天底下最重要的。 別這樣拉選票。只有我才能幫你生寶寶。我們開始吧. 我們將分別向你陳述我們編笑話的過程，由你來判斷究竟誰說的是實(shí)話。是我。 好的，錢德,你先說。 我在兩個(gè)月前和Steve吃午飯的時(shí)候想到的這個(gè)笑話。 等一下，就是我在圣誕節(jié)見到的那個(gè)家伙？ 能讓我先說完嗎？！ 你還想讓我挑你嗎？ 瞧，我是絕對(duì)不會(huì)象他那樣對(duì)你吼的。 繼續(xù)。 Steve說他得去看他的醫(yī)生。他的名字是Muppy醫(yī)生。然后我說M（猴子）醫(yī)生？ 這就是猴子醫(yī)生的由來。 開什么玩笑。聽我說，我是研究進(jìn)化學(xué)的，知道進(jìn)化學(xué)是什么？猴子變成人。另外我也是個(gè)doctor(博士,與醫(yī)生同詞),并且我養(yǎng)過一只猴子。 我正是Doctor M（猴子博士） 這個(gè)我不跟你爭。 行了，我聽夠了。我已經(jīng)做出了判斷。 你們兩個(gè)都是白癡。這笑話一點(diǎn)也不好笑，而且它冒犯了女士、醫(yī)生（博士）和猴子。 別再爭功了，看看是誰編造了這個(gè)愚蠢笑話，他應(yīng)該受到譴責(zé)！別再提這事了，這笑話糟透了！ 這是你的笑話。/不是。 嗨,錢德.你在這。 嗨。 菲比和瑞秋在這。干嗎不對(duì)她們說說你之前對(duì)我說的那些話，就是關(guān)于說我根本不挑剔的。 莫尼卡是位自立的、合群的女士， 和她在一起感覺象在渡假。之所以我們會(huì)覺得她挑剔僅僅是因?yàn)樗⒅匦」?jié)，并且--寬宏大量。 哇，知道嗎？這是我聽過最好的冒牌演講。 是嗎？我可聽過更好的。 等一下，這都是他自己主動(dòng)要說的。告訴他們錢德. 我忘詞了，要不我從頭說一遍？ 聽著，我根本就不挑剔。錢德! 你是有那么點(diǎn)挑剔。 啊哈！你上了我的黑名單。 很抱歉，你并不隨和，但你充滿熱情，那樣很好。當(dāng)你因?yàn)樾∈律鷼獾臅r(shí)候， 我會(huì)恰如其分地幫你排解。那樣也很好。所以，別人可以說你很挑剔，但那沒什么，因?yàn)槲蚁矚g 讓你挑剔。 我可沒讓他說這些。好吧我把你從黑名單上撤下來。 我不在那名單上了。 菲比，不讓我做你女朋友沒關(guān)系，因?yàn)槲矣凶詈玫哪信笥选?知道嗎？我突然覺得你很迷人。 嘿，伙計(jì)，你的試鏡怎么樣？ 不怎么樣。我沒拿到那個(gè)角色，還丟了在這的工作。 哇！你現(xiàn)在演的是很爛。 你怎么會(huì)丟了這的工作？ 我要去試鏡，可甘德說我得留在這照顧生意，因?yàn)樗ト绢^發(fā)。我最終還是跑了，然后他就炒了我。 他大白天跑出去忙私事，然后把你一個(gè)剛工作兩天的員工留在這里照顧生意？這不對(duì)，他做的不對(duì)。 就是，你能怎么辦？ 喬依，你不能讓他逃避責(zé)任。知道嗎，我不能這么便宜了他。我要去說說他？我不該去說什么？ 不對(duì)，我得去說點(diǎn)什么。 甘德,我要你給喬依官復(fù)原職，你辭掉他是不公平的。 好吧。 什么？ 他可以官復(fù)原職。 很好，他可以恢復(fù)工作了。我很高興我們把事情都說明白了。 去吧，喬依，你的工作恢復(fù)了。 太好了。謝謝你瑞秋. 對(duì)，很好，哈？看看誰說我軟弱來著？ 瑞秋,你占著我的座位。 哦，對(duì)不起。 嘿，我還沒問你們會(huì)選誰當(dāng)女朋友。 我選你，菲比. 噢沒錯(cuò)，肯定是你，菲比。 我也這么認(rèn)為. 嘿。 嘿，我有一個(gè)問題。如-如-如果你們得從另外兩個(gè)人中挑一個(gè)做約會(huì)對(duì)象，你們會(huì)挑誰？ 不可能。/ 我無可奉告。 喬依! 不可能。我無可奉告。
The One With The Joke
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]
Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!
Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures.
Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us.
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too.
(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.)
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
Ross: What?
Chandler: I made that joke up.
Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did.
Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.
Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Ross: What?
Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Seriously?
Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys.
Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.
Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you.
Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross: It’s my joke.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place.
Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny.
Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know…
Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill
Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?
Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
Chandler: Whoa ho.
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?
Joey: Not so much.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Monica: (relieved) It’s only you.
Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.
Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!
Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’
Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
(They flip through the pages to another picture.)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy
Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know.
Monica: Me neither.
Phoebe: Rachel.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.
Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it.
Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a m.
(He and Chandler crack up.)
Chandler: And ms can’t write out prescriptions.
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).
Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff.
Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends.
Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: Flexible hours.
Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.]
Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.
Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: That’s a good idea.
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea?
Chandler: Picking Rachel.
Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?
Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica: It’s coming from the living room.
(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.
Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me?
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!
Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all.
Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.
Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover.
Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there.
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Monica: All right.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there.
Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man.
Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there.
Rachel: No.
Monica: No, thank you.
Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there.
Woman: I’d love an ice water.
Joey: You got it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.
Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)
Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.
Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.
Monica: Joey, do you work here?
Joey: No.
Customer: Hey, waiter.
Joey: Yeah?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?
Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.
Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?
Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.
Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.
Joey: See, now it’s weird again.
Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.
Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica: Hah!
Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.
Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.
Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe: Who said you were?
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’
Gunther: That’s the whole part?
Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …
Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’
Patron: Oh, excuse me.
Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Joey: So, you’d hire me, right?
Patron: For what?
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Customers: Huh? What?
Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Ross: It’s my joke.
Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.
Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide.
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Hey Mon.
Chandler: Mon, get out here!
Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Monica: Why do I have to decide?
Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.
Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.
Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go.
Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.
Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: Can I finish my story?!
Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!
Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.
(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)
Monica: Continue.
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor M?’ And that is how the whole Doctor M thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? M into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a m. I’m Doctor M!
Chandler: I’m not arguing with that.
Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision.
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and ms! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
Ross: It’s your joke.
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler: Hi, oh hi.
Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.
Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better.
Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!
Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.
Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.
Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.
Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.
(Joey enters.)
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?
Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.
Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?
Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.
Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach.
Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?
Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: I’m not answering that.
Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.
End
