老友記第三季The One With All The Jealousy

你們都覺得這雙鞋很丑嗎?對別擔(dān)心，沒有人會注意的只要你穿著那件浴巾裝你跟他說吧這是她履新職的第一天你不該一早就開她玩笑好吧，我可以等到晚上再說你星期五有節(jié)目嗎?干嘛?你得來參加我的怪堂哥艾勃特的告別單身派對你知道，他是植物學(xué)家老天植物學(xué)家都神神經(jīng)經(jīng)的那是恐龍領(lǐng)帶嗎?早安瑞秋，我拿皮包來了找鑰匙就要找老半天吧謝謝，菲比不客氣，拜托你用這個烏龜包包不，烏龜讓我害怕今天尤其不是時候親愛的，別緊張，沒問題的我過來跟你一起吃午飯吧?謝了，但馬克要帶我去吃飯馬克?就是那個幫你找工作的馬克?對，算是祝我工作順利那是午餐盒嗎?不，是皮包里面還有個熱水瓶你星期五能來嗎?什么?我想可以吧可是你為什么要請我呢?顯然艾勃特沒有朋友他對告別單身派對充滿期待我想他是為了看脫衣舞娘才結(jié)婚的請脫衣舞娘參加告別單身派對你們真是老套為什么不請魔術(shù)師?如果魔術(shù)師可以用臀部給我開啤酒，那就行她要跟她吃午飯?跟他吃午飯?你該看看她被錄取時是怎么擁抱他的而且他相貌堂堂我該怎么辦?放在心里學(xué)著隱藏你的感情不要大呼小叫猜猜誰得到了百老匯音樂劇的試演機(jī)會?我本來要說是你不過這個答案好像太容易了就是我這是音樂劇版的“雙城記”我想我要唱“紐約，紐約”和“我把心留在舊金山”喬伊，我想輪不到你來挑城市什么?這是狄更斯先生的權(quán)利誰?我拿克里夫手集給你什么?簡易文學(xué)讀本什么?型號發(fā)貨號碼…和出貨日期很好，有問題嗎?我們有多少折扣?八折我愛死這份工作了我的第一通電話來，讓我代勞瑞秋葛林，需要我效勞嗎?嗨，瑞秋在嗎?請問是哪一位?我是羅斯哪位羅斯? “羅斯和瑞秋”的羅斯嗨，我是馬克嗨，馬克嗨等一下好嗨，親愛的馬克怎么會替你接電話?他只是在瞎混罷了有意思他干嘛不在自己辦公室瞎混?這里就是他辦公室，我說過我們是喬安娜的兩個助理喬安娜為什么需要兩個助理?她很懶嗎?我的天，我做了什么?我剛把三千副胸罩送到人事部去了我要掛電話了馬克，我需要你好，再見對不起，甜心，我只是要…我只是要打下一個電話我30秒鐘換好衣服就是讓你跟他獨(dú)處你最好趕快展開攻勢我不要展開什么攻勢你不要的話，我要拜托你走吧?晚安，摩妮卡晚安，胡利歐胡利歐，有人把書忘在這里了老實(shí)說，那是我的書你在看什么書?波特萊爾的“惡之花”你看過沒有?我看過沒有?沒有，你喜歡嗎?我本來以為我會喜歡不過翻譯得不好你是詩人，居然不懂其實(shí)我……我是詩人那你一定懂了你都寫些什么?寫一些讓我感動的事物婆娑樹影童稚笑容或這片嘴唇我的？這里?我可以為這片嘴唇寫一部史詩要怎么寫?雖然沒有押韻…不過我喜歡你們得扒一、兩個錢包孩子們……你得扒一、兩個…錢包…真好太好了真的?謝謝喬伊，我們非常希望星期六再看到你太好了我會來的別忘了帶你的爵士舞鞋來參加舞蹈試演我的經(jīng)紀(jì)人說這個角色不必跳舞所有的角色都要跳一點(diǎn)舞但以你的舞蹈背景小意思罷了追隨妥拉薩普學(xué)習(xí)三年現(xiàn)代舞?在美國芭蕾舞團(tuán)待了五年?誰的履歷表不灌水?我也沒有演過Z00M你到底會不會跳舞?我會跳舞，你知道…這是干什么?現(xiàn)在看起來很蠢因?yàn)闆]有放音樂我得去接電話嗨聽我說，我需要個脫衣舞娘我聽說你是跳脫衣舞的我問你，你多收一百塊可以額外提供什么服務(wù)?那我要提供葡萄嗎?嗨你昨晚跟胡利歐約會的情況怎么樣，小姐?簡直不可思議，他性感又聰明這讓他顯得更性感我得告訴你昨晚我們親熱的時候，突然之間，他停下來寫詩…少來了，我就算被隕石打中也停不下來我們請了脫衣舞娘“水晶吊燈小姐”給小孩取這種名字長大了還能做什么?但他忘了把這首詩帶走我看不懂詩不過我覺得這是一首好詩你們看看 “空花瓶”半透明的美不要念出來寫得很好對，我也覺得，菲比?太棒了我真高興你們都喜歡我得去上班了看完再還給我回頭見再見我的天…可憐的摩妮卡怎么了?…他在跟她親熱的時候?qū)戇@首詩我的花瓶如此美麗內(nèi)里空無一物如今我伸手觸摸你看似更加空洞她覺得摩妮卡很空洞她是個空花瓶你真的覺得他是這個意思?一點(diǎn)都沒錯老天，她看起來好幸福看完了你有圣羅蘭的檔案嗎?當(dāng)然有，就在那是什么?是羅斯送的，愛的金龜他想向全世界宣告你已經(jīng)名花有主了他不是這個意思他只是非常浪漫罷了對不起，你是瑞秋格林嗎?1 2 3恭喜你履新職的第一周要不了多久你就會當(dāng)老板了你知道到時候誰會支持你就是你唯一的男朋友有男朋友真好你忠心、深情的男友，羅斯我傷心，我真的很傷心…你居然以為我送那些東西不是出于對你的愛傷心好，我懂了，你很傷心男人不能請理發(fā)店四重唱，到女朋友的辦公室嗎?拜托，羅斯這實(shí)在太明顯了你好像在劃定地盤你干脆到辦公室來在我的桌子周圍撒尿好了我絕對不會這么做聽我說，我知道這是怎么回事馬克都跟我解釋過了他說你們男人就是這樣如果馬克這么說那馬克就是白癡馬克是個天才為什么?怎么說?他為什么會是天才?你還看不出來嗎?他沒有勾引她反而當(dāng)了她的手帕交現(xiàn)在她就會跑去跟他抱怨你我該怎么辦?何不送她一個音樂金龜?不，你已經(jīng)送過了你得親自過去偶爾讓她驚喜一下我不知道很好，不要輕舉妄動坐著跟我們聊天這時候她正在跟她談你他對她體貼入微她在想“也許他就是我的伴侶他這么了解我”你還沒搞清楚狀況她就跟他在一起了你就會說“老天”他會說“太棒了”我們都會說“傻瓜”很快你就會說… “嗨”還有“我不能去瑞秋和馬克可能在那里”我們會說“忘了吧已經(jīng)四年了”他說得活靈活現(xiàn)，不是嗎?這是雪麗席格12月的設(shè)計(jì)等等，我有東西要給你沒關(guān)系，瑞秋知道對，但就算是這樣……我控制不了，我為你瘋狂你真會講話我知道我老是做不得體的事但是這真的好難看著你走來走去我好想把你抱在懷里來，這里沒有人，吻我吧好了，夠了，放開她怎么回事?怎么回事?我告訴你這是怎么回事我在你們公司找領(lǐng)帶找了20分鐘要怎么樣才有人來服務(wù)我?嗨，瑞秋喬伊特里班尼現(xiàn)在出了問題舞蹈領(lǐng)隊(duì)打電話來他感情出現(xiàn)危機(jī)不能離開長島這表示試演取消了嗎?既然你的經(jīng)驗(yàn)豐富什么?好啦，很簡單嘛你知道，就是手…頭……抬起來…不要擠在一起…大旋轉(zhuǎn)…腿轉(zhuǎn)圈…滑過來，一步，再一步…爵士手勢這么說是踏步舞步和爵士手勢跳得高興點(diǎn)再見你在包什么?看我送胡利歐什么?是個花瓶就像他那首詩不完全跟那首詩一樣此話怎講?記得你說過你不會看詩嗎?這么說我只是個空洞的花瓶?什么?好，我不像你那樣?？疵乙膊粚懕砝锊灰坏墓衷娢蚁矚g愚蠢的東西就像我的時人雜志來的時候…還有“抓住一切”的型錄來的時候…但這并不表示我是空洞的！我關(guān)心我的家人和朋友你沒有權(quán)利批判我你根本不了解我這首詩講的不是你什么? “空花瓶”講的不是你我親愛的寶貝…你居然這么想，我好難過對不起，這…我朋友菲比說…這是講所有的女人應(yīng)該是說…全美國的女人釋懷了沒有?好，來吧那是什么玩意兒?他們最多只能跳到這個程度各位……各位……我們再試一次這次大家好好看著喬伊教他們怎么跳彈琴，麥克你昨晚參加告別單身派對玩得開心嗎?看我拿到什么?看，她穿著衣服，對嗎?然后按一下，她裸體了！然后再按一下她又穿上衣服了她是個做生意的女人走在大街上她在逛櫥窗，哦，她裸體了！我要跟這只筆獨(dú)處一陣子對不起，我是個白癡大白癡大白癡你必須了解…我很難接受馬克這件事…為什么?我們在一起快一年了我跟卡洛在一起八年了而我失去了她現(xiàn)在，如果有這個可能我想我愛你此愛她更深所以我很難相信我不會…別人不會把你奪走…讓我奪走她吧…親愛的，你的話好窩心我只是覺得如果兩個人彼此相愛彼此信任，像我們這樣就沒有理由嫉妒我得走了再見，錢德這枝筆有點(diǎn)無聊了可以幫我拿幾本色情雜志嗎?你要去哪里?我得去接班帶他跟別人出去玩跟誰?跟我昨晚在派對上認(rèn)識的女人昨晚派對的女人，脫衣舞娘?你跟脫衣舞娘一起出去玩?老天，我得生個孩子才行她跳玩脫衣舞之后我們開始聊天她有個和班年齡相仿的兒子我們要帶孩子去上健保園可以嗎?當(dāng)然可以，她結(jié)婚沒有?你嫉妒嗎?我不懂她干嘛跟你出去玩她沒有其它當(dāng)媽媽的脫衣舞娘朋友嗎?你嫉妒得要命我才沒有嫉妒這是因?yàn)椤藗儗γ撘挛枘铩加心撤N…看法，你知道…我也愛你再見等等……干嘛?這個吻可以讓他回味好幾個小時否則，你剛煽起他的火來反而便宜了脫衣舞娘胡利歐在這里嗎?我就是胡利歐你非常自以為是以為自己好得不得了你的詩都沒出版你在餐廳工作你不是上帝對女人的恩賜這只是你自以為是你只是個馬屁精沒人喜歡馬屁精你的床上工夫也很爛

The One With All The Jealousy

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.]

Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes?

Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress.

Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him.

Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!

Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

Ross: Why?

Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.

Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.

Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?

Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)

Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.

Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles.

Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?

Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.

Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?

Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?

Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.

Rachel: Oh.

Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?

Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?

Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.

Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich? Why don't you get a magician?!

Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.


OPENING CREDITS


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]

Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?

Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud.

Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?

Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.

Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey: What?

Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey: The what?

Chandler: The abridgment.

Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?

[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]

Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?

Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?

Mark: Twenty percent.

Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call.

Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?

Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?

Mark: And who may I say is calling?

Ross: This is Ross?

Mark: Ross of.....

Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.

Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.

Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark.

Mark: Hey, hold on a second.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Hi honey!

Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?

Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.

Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?

Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.

Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?

Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you!

Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)

Rachel: Ow! Ross!!

Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up)

[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.]

Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it.

Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything.

Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will.

Monica: Would you please go?

Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio.

Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios.

(Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.)

Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here.

Julio: Ah actually, that is mine.

Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading?

Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it?

Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it?

Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good.

Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.')

Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet.

Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write about?

Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)

Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here?

Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)

Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it.

[Scene: Joey's audition.]

Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........

Director: Lovely, just lovely.

Joey: Really? Thanks.

Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.

Joey: Excellent, I'll be there.

Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.

Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.

Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.]

Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!

Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.

Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all?

Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly)

Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.

Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that?

Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.

(phone rings)

Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita?

Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem.

Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier.

Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem)

Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...

Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good.

Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)

Joey: Whoa, I'm not done.

Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys.

Chandler: Bye-bye.

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!

Chandler: What, what, what?!

Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!

Chandler: You really think that is what he meant?

Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.

Joey: Done.

[Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.]

Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story)

Mark: Wh-what's that?

Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.

Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic.

Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?

Rachel: Yes.

Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...

Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss.

The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.

Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...

The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.

Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!


COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]

Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!

Ross: I mean my God...

Rachel: You're hurt!

Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!

Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Ross: I would never do that!

Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.

Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]

Joey: Mark's a genius!

Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?

Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.

Ross: What am I going to do?

Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.

Ross: I don't know you guys.

Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'

Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'

Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?

[Scene: Rachel's office.]

Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December.

Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her)

Woman: Mark!!

Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows.

Woman: Yeah, but even soo.

(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)

Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.

Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)

(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)

Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me.

(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)

Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her!

Mark: What is going on?

Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!!

Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!

(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)

Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)

[Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.]

Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.

Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?

Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.

Joey: What?!

Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, out a beret, out a beret, big turn here, grand dechant, desont, desont, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!

Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.

Director: Have fun.

Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: What are you wrapping?

Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.

Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase.

Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.

Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem.

Monica: What do you mean?

Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her)

[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?

Julio: What?

Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Monica: You don't even know me...

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.

Monica: What?

Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this.

Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...

Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?

Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.

[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]

Director: All right, let's do it!

(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)

Director: No, no, no. What was that?

Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them.

Director: Well, people!

Joey: People, people, people.

Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.

(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?

Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?

Rachel: Right.

Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)

Ross: (entering) Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.

Rachel: A big idiot.

Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.

(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)

Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?

Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.

Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!

Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)

Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.

Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?

Rachel: Where ya going?

Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.

Rachel: Ohh, with who?

Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.

Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?!

Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)

Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?

Rachel: Sure, is she married?

Ross: Ahh, no.

Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)

Ross: Are you jealous?

Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own?

Ross: You are totally jealous.

Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I...

Ross: Honey, I love you too.

Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait.

Ross: What?

(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.

Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.


CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here?

Julio: (to him) I am Julio.

(The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.)

Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.

Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.

Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch.

Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.

(Monica waves at Julio.)

END