6個(gè)跡象說明你正在毒害自己的愛情！
在一段健康良好的關(guān)系中，伴侶之間能夠相互扶持，同樣也能夠完全處理好自己的生活。在相互依賴的關(guān)系中，一方往往會(huì)(名義上解救，實(shí)際上干預(yù))另一半，然后導(dǎo)致關(guān)系中出現(xiàn)負(fù)面影響以及后果。來看看婚姻治療師列舉的6種會(huì)影響到你們之間關(guān)系的做法，這會(huì)告訴你如何杜絕此類現(xiàn)象的發(fā)生。
1. You consistently put your partner’s needs before your own.
總是把伴侶的需求看得比自己的重要
In a codependent relationship, the enabler focuses on the feelings and needs of the other partner, usually at the expense of their own, said Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California. While it may make them feel good about themselves ― saintly, even ― it’s not healthy. “In solid relationships, each person factors in their own truth and their own needs,” she said. “But people can only do this if they feel worthy of having needs.”To change this dynamic, Wachter recommends enablers get in the habit of saying “no” ― or at least waiting to make a decision.
來自南加州的婚姻家庭治療專家Andrea Wachter 認(rèn)為，在相互依賴的關(guān)系中，往往犧牲自己的利益，有一方把對(duì)方的感受和需求放在首位。讓對(duì)方自我感覺良好，甚至把自己當(dāng)成大爺，這是病態(tài)的。穩(wěn)固的關(guān)系意味著其中的每個(gè)人，有著自己的信條(處事原則)和需求，除非你確實(shí)有需要你才可以這么做。要改變這種情況，你要學(xué)會(huì)拒絕，或者至少不要急著做決定。
2. You apologize too much.
你老是道歉
Enablers hate conflict, which is why they often find themselves over-apologizing, said Amanda Deverich, a marriage and family therapist in Williamsburg, Virginia.“They’ll do anything to maintain that connection and that includes soothing the other person by apologizing, even for stuff that is not their fault,” she said.To break this bad habit, enablers should get comfortable with a little discord in relationships. Not every argument needs to be resolved that very moment, Deverich said.“When you can’t let a problem remain unresolved, it leads to concessions you wouldn’t otherwise make,” she said. “A more productive step would be to channel all that energy into self-care and boundary setting.”
弗吉尼亞州威廉斯堡的婚姻家庭問題治療專家，在關(guān)系中委曲求全的一方總是道歉，他們竭盡所能維持一段關(guān)系，甚至不是他們的錯(cuò)，也會(huì)給對(duì)方道歉。要改變這個(gè)習(xí)慣，要試著學(xué)會(huì)適應(yīng)，哪怕雙方關(guān)系中有點(diǎn)小變扭。如果你一定要在第一時(shí)間解決，那你除了妥協(xié)別無他法。有效的方法是，把精力投入到自己的身上，同時(shí)要?jiǎng)澢褰缦蕖?/p>
3. You think no one can handle issues better than you.
你覺得自己無所不能目空一切
Enablers often assume that if they don’t get things done, no one will. That thought is not only a little egotistical, it’s unhealthy, said Linda Lipshutz, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.“Ultimately, the belief that no one else can handle the situations as well as we can is misguided,” she said.If this is a problem for you, Lipshutz recommends ceding some control and not allowing your “ego and identity get so tied up in other’s successes or failures.”
弗羅里達(dá)棕櫚灘花園的婚姻和家庭問題治療專家認(rèn)為，關(guān)系中比較強(qiáng)勢(shì)的一方往往認(rèn)為除了自己其他人都辦不到。這不僅僅是有點(diǎn)自大，而是病態(tài)。最終，這種觀念是一種誤導(dǎo)。如果你有這種問題，那就試著放手，不要把對(duì)方的成功和失敗和自己聯(lián)系的太過緊密。
4. The relationship never seems to get better.
你們的關(guān)系好像沒有升溫過
No matter what enablers do, problems continue to crop up and reoccur in their relationships. That’s usually because the other spouse is putting in little to no effort of their own, Deverich said. “The privileged partner is allowing the enabler to absorb the difficulties in the relationship,” she said. “No amount of accommodating, soothing or solving can change anything if your partner is not changing.” `Remember: You can’t do it all. To make inroads in changing this pattern, Deverich said to give your partner an opportunity to fix problems as they come.
不管雙方怎么做，問題還是層出不窮，屢屢發(fā)生。問題的癥結(jié)在于雙方都沒有為對(duì)方有任何的改變。得寵的一方總是讓對(duì)方處理難題。如果你的伴侶不愿意做出犧牲，那么你再多的諒解、撫慰和自我解決都無濟(jì)于事。記住，你不能包辦一切。要解決這個(gè)問題的方法就是，等下次有問題的時(shí)候要給你的伴侶機(jī)會(huì)來解決。Deverich如是說。
5. Your life revolves around your partner.
你的生活就是一天到晚的圍著你伴侶轉(zhuǎn)
You share a life together but you should have passions and interests outside of your marriage. Enablers often put their own hobbies and personal goals on the back burner, Wachter said. “Your life shouldn’t orbit around the people closest to you,” she said. “Start asking yourself what you truly love to do. Aside from the family and friends you care about, what other interests do you have?”Dig deep to uncover new and old passions, Wachter said, and make a real effort to explore those interests on your own.
你們一起生活，但是在婚姻之外你也要有自己的熱情和愛好。但是往往一方把自己的這些愛好和追求放在次要位置。來問問自己你內(nèi)心喜愛的是什么?除了你的家庭朋友以外，你還有什么其他愛好?來挖掘內(nèi)心塵封已久的熱情，將它們重新點(diǎn)燃?；ㄐ┚韺ふ易约旱膼酆?，Wachter建議道。
6. To some extent, you see your spouse as helpless.
某種程度上，你嫌TA干啥啥不行
Enablers look at their partner and see someone who needs help: Help getting ahead in work, help getting their personal finances in order, help just getting by day-to-day. But in all likelihood, the person was capable of handling things before the enabler came along, and they’ll be just as capable if their partner backs away a bit, Lipshutz said. “It may be important to continually ask ourselves: ‘Is the other person truly capable of handling these matters on their own?’” she said.Sometimes, partners may truly need help and support, but other times, it’s more effective to let them do it and learn on their own, Lipshutz said.“At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that not all helpful gestures are truly helpful.”
一方看待對(duì)方就像是需要幫助的人：支持TA在工作上爭(zhēng)先，將TA們的個(gè)人賬務(wù)管理的僅僅有條，或者幫助TA處理日常事務(wù)。但是十有八九在另一半還沒有出現(xiàn)的時(shí)候，他們可以處理好自己的的事情，所以如果另一半懂得放手他們自己也一樣能夠處理好。我們應(yīng)該問自己，另一半確實(shí)不能自己處理好這些事情么，這一點(diǎn)很重要。有時(shí)候他們確實(shí)需要我們的幫助和支持，但是其他時(shí)候讓他們自己學(xué)著去做才更加有效。最后你要記得，不是所有的幫助都是真正的幫助。
