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雙語·老屋子 第十八章

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2022年06月13日

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Chapter 18

The frst thing was that Finn had his former room arranged so that he and Hans could be there when Hans came to see him.

There was nothing said about it. For it was taken as a matter of course that no stranger should set foot in the old room. But Cordt at once thought that his hope in Hans was shattered.

Sometimes Finn was glad when Hans was there.

They could never talk together.

Hans' thoughts were constantly at work on plans and diffculties, the least of which seemed quite unsurmountable to Finn, and he had not the remotest idea as to what passed in his friend's brain. He talked to all men alike and his words were all questions or answers or opinions.

So it was Hans who spoke and, wholly taken up with himself as he was, he seldom noticed that Finn fell a-dreaming.

When Finn could get him to set to work on some calculation or other, he himself sat delighted and watched Hans while he struggled with fgures and drawings.

He was amused at Hans' wrinkled forehead, his eager, impatient movements. And he waited expectantly, like one sitting on a race-ground, or wherever else men are engaged in contest, for the shout with which the engineer would fling aside the pencil when the problem was solved.

Then Finn's face beamed with delight. He was as pleased as if it had been himself that had gained the triumph and he had no notion what sort of triumph it was or what it was worth.

But sometimes, and more and more frequently, Hans was too active, too restless for him.

There were days on which Finn hid when his friend called. Often, Hans' mere presence in the room occasioned him real bodily pain. He could feel half unconscious under his powerful glance, his voice, which was so loud and jolly, his words, which all meant something.

Then he sat tortured and wretched, because it was not possible for him to ask the other to go. And it was only seldom that Hans perceived this. When it did happen, there was no end to his awkward distress; and then Finn was not content before he had succeeded in persuading him that he was quite wrong.

Then Finn submitted, in the same way in which a hopeless invalid submits to a new cure which prepares new sufferings for him and in which he does not himself believe. And, while he suffered, he thought incessantly of his father, who suffered more than he did and whom he could not help.

His best time was when they were out together.

They drove and rode; and then they were never agreed, for Finn wanted to ride slowly and drive fast and Hans wanted just the opposite. They were always eager to accommodate themselves to each other, but this came to pass only when it was Finn's wish that prevailed.

Finn did not like going out. But, once he had started, he was glad; and then he always wanted to have Hans with him. He was shyin a crowd and his friend's presence reassured him.

They generally walked in the streets, for Finn felt cold if he went outside the town. Then he took Hans' arm and kept step with him and was proud of him. He liked to hear his strong voice through the noise of the street, his quick step, the tap of his stick on the pavement.

Then Finn would sometimes begin to talk.

Mostly of his travels. And he could speak of these almost as he thought and as he spoke to his mother. It was as though the life and the noise that half drowned his words made him feel freer and safer.

And, although Hans cared but little for what Finn had seen and talked about, still there was a color and a gleam about his words that captivated him.

But, when it happened that the noise in the street was suddenly stilled, then Finn was silent and frightened. And, if, for a moment, they were separated in the crowd and Hans failed to catch a sentence and asked him to repeat it, or seized upon some phrase and asked for a further explanation and confrmation, then Finn was forthwith tired and his mood changed.

He often stopped when a piece of street-life caught his attention. He pointed it out to his friend and made it the subject of his talk. Then Hans would underline his words with some racy observation or other, which amused Finn, but afterwards annoyed him, because it spoilt the picture for him.

They never talked about women.

Finn was silent, because his thoughts were vague and modest. And Hans' experiences were not of such a nature that he cared to talk about them. Then, also, they both had an instinctive feeling thatthey had less in common on this subject than on any other and that they did not wish ever to cross each other's path.

On one occasion only was Finn his friend's guest in his home.

It was a regular feast in the little rooms, high up under the roof, and Finn was glad to be there.

He looked in delight at the two little old people who stood and sat with folded hands and little bows and nods and did not know how to show their respect and gratitude to the young master of the house. They took it for granted, as a settled thing, that Finn must be vexed because Hans had broken with tradition and gone his own way and they made endless covert excuses for it.

And through the excuses rang their pride in the strong son whom they handled as cautiously as though he would fall to pieces if they took frm hold of him…their joyous dread of the greatness that awaited him.

Finn understood them and was touched by them. He sang his friend's praises and prophesied a preposterous success for him and was happy to read the gladness in the little parents' eyes.

And, while he was deep in conversation with them and amused at Hans, who was utterly confused that his friend should see the adoration of which he was the object, the picture of his own parents suddenly rose before his thoughts like great black silhouettes against the light background.

He stopped talking and then they all became silent and it was not pleasant in the room.

Afterwards, he stood with Hans and looked through the open window.

His eyes roamed over the hundreds of roofs. The sun shoneon the slates and the red tiles and lit up the telephone-wires. Little garret-windows stuck out on every side…with chintz curtains, with wall-fowers and geraniums and pelargoniums and yellow birds in white cages.

In one place there hung an elegantly-painted wooden box with ferns, which were quite brown, but stood proud and stiff, and a little fr-tree in the middle. In another, the curtain futtered right out into the air and waved and fapped like a fag. Here, two sparrows hopped about in the gutter…there, a caged bird was singing, shrilly and sweetly.

“How charming this is!”he said.

Hans did not exactly think so.

But, at that moment, Finn set eyes on a window a little to one side and so near that he felt as if he could reach across to it.

The window was open. There were fowers in it and there was a bird which hopped from perch to perch in its cage, silently and unceasingly. Behind the fowers sat a young girl sewing. He could see the back of her and a bit of her chin and hear the stitching of the sewing-machine:

“Look,”he said, in an undertone.

Hans came up and at once looked away again:

“That's Marie,”he said.“She's a seam-stress.”

There was nothing wrong either in the words or in the tone in which they were uttered. But he said it so loud and so carelessly that it hurt Finn. The girl opposite looked up and smiled.

Then something like a cloud passed over the whole picture, with the fowers and the bird and the sunny roofs. Finn sighed and came away from the window.

And, when they sat together at supper and had fnished eating, suddenly there fell upon him an insuppressible melancholy.

He looked from one to the other and read in their faces that they were subduing their gladness on his account. He imagined what it was like when the three were alone, busy and cheerful in their work and in their faith in one another.

And behind their kind words and smiles he felt the pity for their quiet guest. But he thought of this only as pity for Cordt and of himself as one who suffered blame.

Then he hurriedly took his leave.

第十八章

為了迎接漢斯,芬做的第一件事就是重新整理他之前的房間,這樣,漢斯來看芬的時候就有地方待了。

這樣的安排沒什么不正常的。因為理所當(dāng)然,老屋子不能讓陌生人踏入。但科特立刻覺得他寄托在漢斯身上的希望破碎了。

有時,芬對漢斯的到來感到很開心。

但他們無法在一起聊天。

雖然身在芬的房間里,但漢斯卻一直在想著他工作的計劃和所遇到的困難,其中最簡單的對于芬來說都是無法被逾越克服的,而且,芬對他朋友腦袋里的想法一無所知。他跟所有人講話的方式都一樣,他說的話不是問題,就是答案或者他的意見。

因而,大多數(shù)情況下是漢斯講話,而且當(dāng)他講話時會完全沉浸在自己的世界中,根本沒有注意到芬開始白日做夢了。

當(dāng)芬讓漢斯做他自己的計算或是其他事情時,他會愉快地坐在一旁,看著漢斯與那些數(shù)字和繪圖纏斗。

漢斯皺起的額頭,還有那急切的、不耐煩的動作,都讓芬覺得好笑。他好像坐在賽馬場,或是人們參加競技的地方,充滿期待地等候著這位工程師在解決問題的那一刻將鉛筆一扔并發(fā)出的興奮的吼聲。

芬的臉上洋溢著歡樂,就如同是他自己贏得了勝利那般喜悅,而他并不知道那是哪種勝利,也不知道這勝利意味著什么。

但有時,越來越頻繁地,芬感到對他而言漢斯過于活躍急躁。

于是,有那么幾日,當(dāng)漢斯拜訪芬時,芬會躲起來,而僅僅是漢斯的露面都會引起芬身體上的疼痛。漢斯那強大的眼神,那洪亮歡快的聲音,還有他充滿意義的話語,都讓芬覺得暈眩。

芬坐在那里,滿是痛苦和委屈,因為他無法讓漢斯離開。而漢斯也很少會注意到這一點。當(dāng)他注意到芬的情緒時,漢斯總是會陷入無限的自責(zé)和郁悶中;而芬必得說服漢斯,不是他想的那般。

然后,芬就屈服了,就像一個無助的病人屈服于一項新的治療方法一樣,然而隨著這方法而來的必然有新的折磨。當(dāng)他在備感折磨的時候,他不停地想起他的父親,父親承受的痛苦更多,而他卻幫不了父親。

芬最喜歡的時間是他們一起出去的時候。

他們駕車或者騎馬。然而,兩人卻從未達(dá)成過一致,芬想要慢慢地騎馬,快快地駕車,而漢斯則恰恰相反。他們總是渴望順從對方,但每次都會依著芬的喜好。

芬雖然不喜歡外出,可一旦他真的去了,便會開心起來。而且他總是希望漢斯可以和他一起。芬在人群面前總是很羞澀,有他的朋友在場,會讓他安心許多。

他們總是會在大街上走,因為如果出城,芬會覺得太冷。他會摟著漢斯的胳膊,跟隨漢斯的步伐,心里默默地為他驕傲。芬喜歡在嘈雜的街道上聽漢斯洪亮的聲音,還有那有力的腳步聲,以及他的拐杖點在路面上發(fā)出的聲音。

芬有的時候會開口講話。

大部分是關(guān)于他的旅行。他總是能把他的想法準(zhǔn)確地表達(dá)出來,像他對他母親講話那樣。似乎這樣的生活,還有幾乎淹沒掉他聲音的嘈雜聲讓他感到更自由安全。

雖然漢斯并不關(guān)心芬旅行中的所見所聞,但芬的語言帶著色彩和微光,讓他迷戀不已。

但當(dāng)街上的噪音戛然而止,芬會立刻沉默并顯得非常害怕。而且,若兩人在人群中彼此分開一小會兒,且漢斯沒有聽到芬所講的話,要求芬再重復(fù)一遍,或者他僅聽到了只言片語,要求芬進(jìn)一步解釋或予以確認(rèn),芬會突然變得疲憊,心情立刻就變了。

芬會被街頭生活吸引而停下腳步。他會指給朋友看,并以此作為聊天的話題。漢斯會接著芬的話講,說一些挑逗的觀察給芬聽,這讓芬覺得很有意思,但不久芬就覺得很懊惱,因為漢斯的話破壞了芬所看到的景色。

他們從來不討論女人。

芬會沉默,因為他的想法模糊而保守。而漢斯的生活也不值得總被提及。而且,他們本能地知道,在這一話題上他們的共同點少之又少,且都不希望過分介入彼此的生活。

只有一次,芬去了漢斯的家里。

那是那間小屋里的一次常規(guī)宴請,芬很高興去參加。

他欣然地看著兩位矮小的老人,他們不論站著還是坐著都雙手相疊微微鞠躬,不知如何向這房子的小主人表達(dá)敬意和感激。他們認(rèn)定芬一定生氣了,因為漢斯壞了規(guī)矩,選擇了自己的未來,他們替漢斯百般解釋。

然而他們的解釋中無不透露著對自己小心呵護(hù)著的兒子的驕傲,好似如果不緊緊捧著他,他會掉下來摔得粉碎一樣。

芬非常理解他們,被他們感動了。他把漢斯夸得不得了,預(yù)言漢斯將有大作為,當(dāng)看到漢斯雙親眼中的歡樂時,芬自己也開心極了。

芬與漢斯的父母進(jìn)行深入的交談,聽著他們表達(dá)自己對漢斯的愛,這情景讓漢斯徹底困惑,而芬看著滿臉迷茫的漢斯覺得十分可笑。

當(dāng)芬停止講話時,然后整個屋子都陷入沉默,情形尷尬。

后來,芬和漢斯站在房間里望向窗外。

芬的眼睛游蕩在成百上千的屋頂之間,太陽照在石板上,還有那紅色的瓦片上和發(fā)亮的電話線。每一面上,小小的閣樓窗戶都自成一格,有的掛著印花棉布窗簾,種著天香竹和天竺葵,還有黃色的小鳥在白色的籠子里跳動。

有一個地方掛著一個有精美繪畫的長著蕨類植物的木盒子,植物已經(jīng)變成了鐵棕色,但依舊驕傲挺直地站著,中間的地方還有一棵冷杉。在另一個地方,窗簾直接飄出窗外,揮舞飄蕩如同一面旗幟。有兩只麻雀在水槽里跳來跳去。還有一只關(guān)在籠子里的鳥在尖聲而甜蜜地唱歌。

“這一切是多么美好!”芬說道。

漢斯并沒有這么覺得。

但,在那個時候,芬注意到了靠旁邊的一個窗戶,這窗戶離他那么近,好似他一伸手就可以夠到。

窗戶是打開的。房間里有鮮花,還有一只鳥在籠子里,安靜而不停地從一處跳到另一處。在這些鮮花后面坐著一位縫紉的姑娘。芬可以看到她的后背,和一點兒她的臉蛋,還能聽到縫紉機的聲音。

“看?!狈覊旱吐曇粽f。

漢斯走了過來,立刻朝那個方向看去。

“那是瑪麗,”他說,“她是個裁縫?!?/p>

其實,不論是這對話的內(nèi)容,還是漢斯說話的語氣都沒什么不對勁的地方。但漢斯說得如此大聲且毫無顧忌,以致傷到了芬。女孩此刻也聞聲抬頭看著他們,笑了笑。

于是,充滿鮮花、小鳥以及溫暖的屋頂?shù)恼麄€畫面都被陰影遮住。芬嘆了口氣,從窗戶旁走開了。

晚飯時,漢斯一家人和芬坐在一起,吃完飯,他們從芬身上感到一種不可抑制的憂傷。

芬看著他們每一個人的臉,知道他們都在為了他而克制各自的快樂。他想,如果他不在場,這一家子會忙碌而開心地沉浸在工作和對彼此的信任中。

在他們友好的話語和善良的微笑后,芬不禁開始為他這位安靜的客人感到可憐。但他覺得他們更加為科特感到惋惜,而他自己則應(yīng)當(dāng)受到責(zé)備。

然后,芬匆匆地辭別了漢斯一家。

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