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雙語(yǔ)·月亮與六便士 第二十九章

所屬教程:譯林版·月亮與六便士

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2022年04月23日

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I kept silence for a little while, thinking of what Stroeve had told me. I could not stomach his weakness, and he saw my disapproval.

“You know as well as I do how Strickland lived,”he said tremulously.“I couldn't let her live in those circumstances-I simply couldn't.”

“That's your business,”I answered.

“What would you have done?”he asked.

“She went with her eyes open. If she had to put up with certain inconveniences it was her own look-out.”

“Yes;but, you see, you don't love her.”

“Do you love her still?”

“Oh, more than ever. Strickland isn't the man to make a woman happy.It can't last.I want her to know that I shall never fail her.”

“Does that mean that you're prepared to take her back?”

“I shouldn't hesitate. Why, she'll want me more than ever then.When she's alone and humiliated and broken it would be dreadful if she had nowhere to go.”

He seemed to bear no resentment. I suppose it was commonplace in me that I felt slightly outraged at his lack of spirit.Perhaps he guessed what was in my mind, for he said:

“I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her. I'm a buffoon.I'm not the sort of man that women love.I've always known that.I can't blame her if she’s fallen in love with Strickland.”

“You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known,”I said.

“I love her so much better than myself. It seems to me that when vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best.After all, it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love with somebody else;when he gets over it he returns to his wife, and she takes him back, and everyone thinks it very natural.Why should it be different with women?”

“I dare say that's logical,”I smiled,“but most men are made differently, and they can't.”

But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the whole affair. I could not imagine that he had had no warning.I remembered the curious look I had seen in Blanche Stroeve's eyes;perhaps its explanation was that she was growing dimly conscious of a feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her.

“Did you have no suspicion before today that there was anything between them?”I asked.

He did not answer for a while. There was a pencil on the table, and unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting-paper.

“Please say so, if you hate my asking you questions,”I said.

“It eases me to talk. Oh, if you knew the frightful anguish in my heart.”He threw the pencil down.“Yes, I've known it for a fortnight.I knew it before she did.”

“Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing?”

“I couldn't believe it. It seemed so improbable.She couldn't bear the sight of him.It was more than improbable;it was incredible.I thought it was merely jealousy.You see, I've always been jealous, but I trained myself never to show it;I was jealous of every man she knew;I was jealous of you.I knew she didn't love me as I loved her.That was only natural, wasn't it?But she allowed me to love her, and that was enough to make me happy.I forced myself to go out for hours together in order to leave them by themselves;I wanted to punish myself for suspicions which were unworthy of me;and when I came back I found they didn’t want me-not Strickland, he didn’t care if I was there or not, but Blanche.She shuddered when I went to kiss her.When at last I was certain I didn’t know what to do;I knew they’d only laugh at me if I made a scene.I thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see, everything would come right.I made up my mind to get him away quietly, without quarrelling.Oh, if you only knew what I’ve suffered!”

Then he told me again of his asking Strickland to go. He chose his moment carefully, and tried to make his request sound casual;but he could not master the trembling of his voice, and he felt himself that into words that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his jealousy.He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and make his preparations to go there and then;above all, he had not expected his wife's decision to go with him.I saw that now he wished with all his heart that he had held his tongue.He preferred the anguish of jealousy to the anguish of separation.

“I wanted to kill him, and I only made a fool of myself.”

He was silent for a long time, and then he said what I knew was in his mind.

“If I'd only waited, perhaps it would have gone all right. I shouldn't have been so impatient.Oh, poor child, what have I driven her to?”

I shrugged my shoulders, but did not speak. I had no sympathy for Blanche Stroeve, but knew that it would only pain poor Dirk if I told him exactly what I thought of her.

He had reached that stage of exhaustion when he could not stop talking. He went over again every word of the scene.Now something occurred to him that he had not told me before;now he discussed what he ought to have said instead of what he did say;then he lamented his blindness.He regretted that he had done this, and blamed himself that he had omitted the other.It grew later and later, and at last I was as tired as he.

“What are you going to do now?”I said fnally.

“What can I do?I shall wait till she sends for me.”

“Why don't you go away for a bit?”

“No, no;I must be at hand when she wants me.”

For the present he seemed quite lost. He had made no plans.When I suggested that he should go to bed he said he could not sleep;he wanted to go out and walk about the streets till day.He was evidently in no state to be left alone.I persuaded him to stay the night with me, and I put him into my own bed.I had a divan in my sitting-room, and could very well sleep on that.He was by now so worn out that he could not resist my frmness.I gave him a suffcient dose of veronal to ensure his unconsciousness for several hours.I thought that was the best service I could render him.

我沉默了一會(huì)兒,腦子里想著斯特羅伊夫告訴我的這些事。我無(wú)法忍受他的懦弱,他也看出了我對(duì)他這一點(diǎn)很不以為然。

“你和我一樣清楚斯特里克蘭是怎樣生活的,”他聲音顫抖地說(shuō),“我不能讓她住在那樣的環(huán)境里——我絕對(duì)不能。”

“那是你的事。”我回答道。

“要換作你,你會(huì)怎么辦?”他問(wèn)道。

“她本來(lái)就應(yīng)該睜著眼睛走路。如果她不得不忍受這些注定的不便,那是她自作自受。”

“我承認(rèn)你說(shuō)得對(duì)。但是,你知道,她不是你的愛(ài)人,你才會(huì)這樣說(shuō)?!?/p>

“你還愛(ài)她嗎?”

“哦,比以往更愛(ài)了。斯特里克蘭不是一個(gè)能讓女人幸福的人。這事持續(xù)不了多久,我想讓她知道我不會(huì)放棄她的?!?/p>

“那就是說(shuō),你還準(zhǔn)備讓她回來(lái)?”

“我一點(diǎn)兒也不猶豫,因?yàn)樗龝?huì)比過(guò)去更需要我。當(dāng)她一個(gè)人受盡了屈辱,心都碎了的時(shí)候,如果沒(méi)地方可去,那該多可怕呀?!?/p>

他似乎不再怨恨了。他這個(gè)樣子我已經(jīng)司空見(jiàn)慣了,正是因?yàn)檫@一點(diǎn)讓我對(duì)他缺乏男人的血性有點(diǎn)生氣。也許他也猜到了我的想法,所以他說(shuō):

“我不能指望她像我愛(ài)她那樣去愛(ài)我。我是一個(gè)小丑,不是那種能讓女人愛(ài)上的男人。我一直能明確的一點(diǎn)是,如果她愛(ài)上了斯特里克蘭,我不能責(zé)怪她?!?/p>

“我還沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)比你更沒(méi)有自尊心的男人呢。”我說(shuō)道。

“我愛(ài)她勝過(guò)了我自己。在我看來(lái),如果愛(ài)中還混雜著自尊心,似乎只是因?yàn)槟阕類?ài)的是自己。不管怎么說(shuō),一個(gè)已婚的男人會(huì)移情別戀,這種事經(jīng)常發(fā)生,激情一過(guò),他終究會(huì)回到他妻子身邊,她能讓他回頭,并再次接納他,每個(gè)人都認(rèn)為這是很自然的事。如果男人可以得到這種待遇,為什么女人就該是例外呢?”

“我敢說(shuō),這倒是很合邏輯,”我微笑著說(shuō),“但是大多數(shù)的男人都不會(huì)這么想,他們無(wú)法接納出軌的妻子?!?/p>

然而,當(dāng)我這么和斯特羅伊夫談話時(shí),我對(duì)整個(gè)事情的突如其來(lái),還是多少有些疑惑。無(wú)法想象他事先沒(méi)有警覺(jué)。我還記得我在布蘭奇·斯特羅伊夫眼中看到的奇怪的神色,也許它能解釋,她已經(jīng)隱隱約約意識(shí)到了心中不斷增加的情愫,這種感情讓她很吃驚,自己也被嚇著了。

“在今天以前,你就從沒(méi)懷疑過(guò)他們之間有問(wèn)題嗎?”我問(wèn)道。

他沒(méi)有立刻答話。桌上有支鉛筆,他拿起來(lái)隨手在吸墨紙上畫(huà)了一個(gè)頭像。

“請(qǐng)你隨便說(shuō)吧,如果你不喜歡我向你發(fā)問(wèn)的話。”我說(shuō)道。

“我把話說(shuō)出來(lái)還好受些。哦,如果你明白我心中可怕的痛苦的話,”他把鉛筆一扔,“是的,我已經(jīng)知道兩周了,我在她意識(shí)到之前就知道了?!?/p>

“那你為什么不把斯特里克蘭打發(fā)走?”

“我自己都無(wú)法相信,這似乎是不可能的。她都不愿看他一眼,真是意想不到,簡(jiǎn)直難以置信。我剛開(kāi)始以為自己只是出于嫉妒,你是知道的,我這人一直挺愛(ài)嫉妒,但是我自己訓(xùn)練自己,絕不能表現(xiàn)出來(lái)。我對(duì)她認(rèn)識(shí)的每一個(gè)人都嫉妒,我甚至還嫉妒過(guò)你。我知道她并不像我愛(ài)她那樣愛(ài)我,這也很正常,不是嗎?但是她能允許我愛(ài)她,這就足夠讓我幸福的了。為了讓他們單獨(dú)待在一起,我迫使自己好幾個(gè)小時(shí)出去閑逛。我這樣做是為了懲罰自己,因?yàn)檫@種疑神疑鬼貶低了我的品格。等我回來(lái)時(shí),我感覺(jué)他們不想讓我回來(lái)——倒不是斯特里克蘭,我在不在,對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)無(wú)所謂。而是布蘭奇,我去親吻她時(shí),她渾身一哆嗦。最后,我都不知道自己該怎么辦了。我知道如果我大吵大鬧,他們只會(huì)嘲笑我。我覺(jué)得如果我閉嘴不說(shuō),假裝沒(méi)看見(jiàn),一切可能會(huì)相安無(wú)事。我下定決心把他平平靜靜地打發(fā)走,不能有爭(zhēng)吵。噢,如果你能知道我所受的痛苦就好了!”

接著他又告訴了我一遍他如何讓斯特里克蘭離開(kāi)。他很小心地挑選合適的時(shí)機(jī),努力讓他的要求聽(tīng)起來(lái)是隨口一說(shuō)的。但是他無(wú)法控制聲音的顫抖,他自己都覺(jué)得雖然他想盡量把話說(shuō)得快活和友好,可話音中充滿了酸酸的醋勁兒。他沒(méi)有想到自己一說(shuō),斯特里克蘭就同意了,開(kāi)始收拾東西準(zhǔn)備走。最讓他意想不到的是,他的妻子也決定和斯特里克蘭一起走。我現(xiàn)在看出來(lái)了,他真心地希望當(dāng)時(shí)能管住嘴不說(shuō)。他寧可選擇嫉妒的折磨,也不愿忍受和他妻子分離的痛苦。

“我想殺了他,我只會(huì)做傻事,讓自己像個(gè)傻瓜?!?/p>

他沉默了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間,接著又說(shuō)了起來(lái),我知道那些話一直郁積在他的心頭。

“如果我只是耐心等待,也許不會(huì)發(fā)生后面這些事的。我真應(yīng)該多些耐心的。哦,可憐的布蘭奇,我把她都逼成什么樣了?”

我聳了聳肩,但沒(méi)吱聲。我對(duì)布蘭奇·斯特羅伊夫沒(méi)什么同情,但如果告訴可憐的迪爾柯我對(duì)她的真實(shí)看法,只會(huì)徒增他的痛苦。

當(dāng)他不住嘴地說(shuō)的時(shí)候,其實(shí)已經(jīng)到了筋疲力盡的階段了。他控制不住自己,把當(dāng)時(shí)的場(chǎng)景,每個(gè)人說(shuō)的話,又一遍遍地復(fù)述。一會(huì)兒想起有什么還沒(méi)告訴我,趕緊說(shuō)一遍;一會(huì)兒又想跟我討論,哪些話他該說(shuō),哪些話他不該說(shuō)。他為自己的睜眼瞎而悲嘆,一會(huì)兒后悔他做了這件事,一會(huì)兒又自責(zé)沒(méi)去做那件事。時(shí)間越來(lái)越晚了,最后,我也同他一樣疲憊不堪了。

“你現(xiàn)在打算做什么?”我最后說(shuō)道。

“我還能做什么呀?我只能等,直到她把我招呼回去。”

“為什么你不到外地去散散心呢?”

“不行,不行,我必須在這兒候著,她什么時(shí)候需要我了,我就在附近。”

對(duì)于目前的狀況,他似乎完全不知怎么辦好了,根本沒(méi)有計(jì)劃。當(dāng)我建議他應(yīng)該上床休息了,他說(shuō)睡不著;他想出去,在大街上溜達(dá)直到天亮。顯然,他這種狀態(tài),我不能讓他一個(gè)人獨(dú)自行動(dòng)。我說(shuō)服他晚上就跟我待在一起,安排他睡我的床。在起居室里,我有一張沙發(fā)床,在上面我也能睡得很舒服。在我的堅(jiān)持下,他現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)徹底沒(méi)有力氣抗拒我的提議了。我給他服了足量的佛羅那[55],讓他可以人事不省地睡上幾個(gè)小時(shí),我想這是我能給他的最大幫助了。

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