伍迪單口相聲精選 第22期:警察The Police

I had difficulty with the cops, that's not...no actuallyI didn't have difficulty with the cops.

我與警察有過(guò)過(guò)結(jié)，那不是?不，實(shí)際上我與警察沒(méi)有過(guò)結(jié)。

I was once sitting home in my house, and a lot ofcars pulled up around the house.

有一次我坐在自己家屋子里，來(lái)了許多小車停在我屋子周圍。

They shined in searchlights, and I heard a voice over the loudspeaker say "We have your housesurrounded. This is the New York public library"

他們閃著探照燈，我聽(tīng)見(jiàn)擴(kuò)音器里傳出的聲音說(shuō)：“我們包圍了你的房子。我們是紐約公共圖書(shū)館的。”

They wanted their books back, y'know, and the little librarian was lobbing grenades over thehouse.

他們想要讓我還書(shū)。有個(gè)矮個(gè)兒的圖書(shū)管理員向我屋子扔了幾顆催淚彈。

I came out with my hands up, y'know, kicking the book ahead of me.

我舉著雙手走了出來(lái)，一邊將書(shū)踢到我前面。

They took me down to the main branch on Fifth Avenue in New York, and they took away myglasses for a year.

他們帶我去位于紐約第五大道的主圖書(shū)館，他們將我的眼鏡沒(méi)收了一年。

And I was thinking, when I lived in my apartment in the brownstone building in New York, wewere constantly getting robbed all the time. It was a very big feature of the neighborhood,y'know.

回想起來(lái)，那時(shí)我住在紐約那幢褐色砂石建筑的公寓里，我們時(shí)不時(shí)地屢遭洗劫，偷盜和搶劫就是那附近最顯著的特色。

Guys would break in and steal, and my apartment was robbed about four times in two years,y'know, it really got to be a bad thing, and I didn't know what to do about it, so finally I put onmy door, a little blue and white sticker that said "We gave".

有人會(huì)破門(mén)而入進(jìn)行偷盜，我的公寓兩年之內(nèi)有被偷過(guò)四次，你知道。這真的相當(dāng)糟糕，我都不知道該怎么辦了，所以最后我在我門(mén)上貼了一張小小的藍(lán)白貼紙，寫(xiě)著：“我們服了”。

Figure that would end it brilliantly, but it didn't, 'cause a man in my building, Mr. Russo washeld up late at night, two very big guys got him with a bottle and a stick in the lobby, y'know,and they wanted all his cash.

以為就此成功地結(jié)束了，但結(jié)果沒(méi)有，因?yàn)槲覙抢锏囊粋€(gè)名叫盧索的先生在夜里又被搶了，兩個(gè)彪形大漢拿著個(gè)瓶子和一根棍子，在大廳里截住了他，他們讓他交出所有的現(xiàn)金。

Russo like a jerk tried to sign for it for tax purposes, whatever it is, y'know.

盧索這個(gè)傻蛋居然想出讓他們簽個(gè)收據(jù)，說(shuō)是為了繳稅還是什么原因。

They hit him with tremendous shot across the frontal lobe, y'know, real smack in the head, andhe fell to the lobby in a fetal position, y'know.

他們照著他腦門(mén)狠狠地來(lái)了一下，結(jié)結(jié)實(shí)實(shí)地打在他腦袋上，他蜷著身倒在了大廳里，像剛出生的嬰兒。

He lay there until his lease ran out, y'know.

他就那樣一直躺在那里直到租約過(guò)期。

He's never been the same since the smack in the head, y'know. He smiles a lot now.

自從在腦袋上挨了一擊后，他就整個(gè)變了個(gè)人?，F(xiàn)在他經(jīng)常微笑。

He laughs out of context occasionally. He's not as perceptive as the average tree stump,y'know.

有時(shí)他無(wú)緣無(wú)故就會(huì)傻笑起來(lái)。他現(xiàn)在的理解力比普通的樹(shù)樁子好不到哪兒去。

Everybody in the building panicked, they said that I'm small and that I should go and buildmyself up, in case I get into trouble, I could defend myself, so I went to Vic Tannings, this wasa long time ago, I went for three weeks, and I lifted and I bent and I squatted.

大樓里的每個(gè)人都驚恐萬(wàn)狀，他們說(shuō)我個(gè)頭矮小，應(yīng)該去給自己健健身，那樣的話如果我遇上麻煩，就可以保護(hù)自己。于是我就去了“維克·坦寧健身館”，那是很久以前了。我去練了三個(gè)星期，我舉杠、我抻腰、我蹲舉。

Nothing happened to me at all, y'know, nothing grew or anything, and I figure it's ridiculous,why don't I forget about it and give Vic Tanning the cash. , and I ask him if he'll walk me homenights.

可我身上什么都沒(méi)發(fā)生，什么都沒(méi)長(zhǎng)，沒(méi)任何變化。我想這太荒唐了，我何不干脆忘掉這事，直接給維克·坦寧錢(qián)得了，我問(wèn)他愿不愿意每晚護(hù)送我回家。

However, there is a kid in my building, a little odd kid named Leon, and Leon takes karatelessons.

另外，我們樓里還住著個(gè)男孩，小個(gè)子的奇怪小子名叫利昂，利昂一直在上空手道的課。

Leon is always walking with his hand cocked at a right angle, like this, y'know.

利昂走路的時(shí)候也總是把他的手繃成直角，就像這樣。

And everyone said that I should learn Judo, 'cause I'd be an animal, but Judo to me has alwaysbeen a thing of the bigger your opponent is, the bigger the beating he is gonna give you,y'know.

人人都說(shuō)我應(yīng)該去學(xué)柔道，因?yàn)閷W(xué)了柔道我就可以無(wú)敵了?？墒窃谖铱磥?lái)，就柔道而言，總是你的對(duì)手越厲害，你也就被揍得越厲害。

And then my good friends told me, in the back of Esquire magazine, you can send away for afountain pen that shoots teargas.

然后我有好朋友告訴我說(shuō)，《紳士》雜志的背面有廣告，你可以郵購(gòu)一種自來(lái)水筆，它會(huì)發(fā)射催淚瓦斯。

It's a real fountain pen, and it secretes a gaseous billow, y'know, really great pen, seven anda half dollars. I send away.

那是真的鋼筆，但能釋放出一大股氣體，真的是很棒的筆，七塊半美元。我寄了錢(qián)。

It comes in the mail, two weeks later in a plain brown wrapper, y'know.

兩星期后郵件來(lái)了，裝在普通的褐色包裝袋里。

I unscrew it, I put in the teargas cartridges, I clip it in my breast pocket, y'know, I go out, along time ago this was, some friends of mine had a surprise autopsy, and I'm invited for theevening, y'know.

我擰開(kāi)筆，裝入催淚瓦斯筒，然后我就把筆別在了我的胸袋里。我走了出去，這是很久以前的事了，那天晚上我的幾個(gè)朋友要做一個(gè)奇異的尸體解剖，他們邀請(qǐng)了我。

I'm coming home by myself, two o'clock in the morning, and it's pitch black and I'm all alone,and standing in my lobby is a neanderthal man, with the eyebrow ridges, y'know, and thehairy knuckles like this, y'know.

我獨(dú)自一人回到家里，凌晨?jī)牲c(diǎn)，周圍漆黑一片，只有我一個(gè)人。我的門(mén)廳里站著一個(gè)尼安德特人【1】，他的眉骨高高隆起，指節(jié)上也滿都是毛，就像這樣。

He had just learned to walk erect that morning, I think. Came right to my house in search ofthe secret of fire, y'know.

我想他那天早上剛學(xué)會(huì)直立行走。直接就到我房子里來(lái)尋找火的秘密。

A tree-swinger in the lobby at two o'clock in the morning.

一個(gè)在樹(shù)上晃來(lái)晃去的家伙凌晨?jī)牲c(diǎn)在我的大廳里。

A mouth breather looking at me, like (breathes heavily) , y'know.

一個(gè)靠嘴巴出氣的家伙緊盯著我，像這樣(喘粗氣聲)。

I took my watch out and I dangled it in front of him, y'know, 'cause they're mullified by shinyobjects sometimes. He ate it.

我摘下我的手表在他面前擺動(dòng)著，因?yàn)樗麄冇袝r(shí)看到亮閃閃的東西就會(huì)平息下來(lái)。他一口吞了下去。

I tried to impress him and I backed off and I pulled out my teargas pen, and I pressed thetrigger, and some ink trickled down my shirt.

我要給他點(diǎn)厲害看看，我后退一步，拔出我的催淚瓦斯筆，我按下機(jī)關(guān)，幾滴墨水滴到了我的襯衫上。

I made a mental note to call Esquire and tell them. I'm standing in the lobby, two o'clock inthe morning, y'know, with a product of a broken home, y'know.

我在腦子里做下記號(hào)：我要給《紳士》雜志打電話，投訴他們，凌晨?jī)牲c(diǎn)，我站在大廳里，手里拿著的卻是出自于破裂家庭的產(chǎn)品。

I had a fountain pen in my hand, I tried writing on him with it, y'know.

我手里握著鋼筆，想用它在他身上寫(xiě)點(diǎn)什么。

He came for me, and he started to tap dance on my windpipe, so very quickly, I lapsed into theold Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.

他走了過(guò)來(lái)，開(kāi)始在我的氣管上跳起了踢踏舞，因此不多會(huì)兒，我只能求助于納瓦霍印第安人【2】以前常玩的伎倆——哀嚎加求饒。

I get into an amazing amount of physical encounters for someone my size. I really...

我還經(jīng)常與跟我個(gè)頭差不多大的人發(fā)生肢體沖突，次數(shù)多的驚人，我真的??

About thirteen weeks ago, I had my shoes shined against my will.

大約13周之前，有人楞是在違背我意愿的情況下把我的皮鞋給擦了。

Tremendous shoeshine boy, said to me "I'm shining your shoes". "Yes you are" I said.

那是個(gè)手藝精湛的鞋童，他沖我說(shuō)：“我要擦你的皮鞋。”“是啊，你不正擦著嘛。”

He did give me an excellent shine though, I might add, but they were suede shoes.

我得承認(rèn)，他給我擦得锃光瓦亮，不過(guò)那是雙羊皮鞋。

【1】已滅絕的人種。在俗語(yǔ)中，“尼安德特人”泛指野蠻和粗魯?shù)娜恕?/p>

【2】美國(guó)最大的印第安部落，以豢養(yǎng)家禽、熟練紡織、以及制陶器和銀器而著名。