新概念閱讀：管教孩子的妙招
When it comes to disciplining her generally well-behaved kids, Heather Henderson has tried all the popular tricks. She's tried taking toys away. (Her boys, ages 4 and 6, never miss them.) She's tried calm explanations about why a particular behavior -- like hitting your brother -- is wrong. (It doesn't seem to sink in.) And she's tried timeouts. 'The older one will scream and yell and bang on walls. He just loses it,' says the 41-year-old stay-at-home mother in Syracuse, N.Y.
41歲的亨德森(Heather Henderson)是紐約州錫拉丘茲(Syracuse)的一位全職媽媽。為了管教兩個(gè)總體表現(xiàn)還算不錯(cuò)的孩子，亨德森把所有流行的方法都試遍了。她嘗試過沒收玩具(她四歲和六歲的兒子對(duì)此從不在乎)。她嘗試過平心靜氣地解釋為什么某種行為──比如打自己的兄弟──是不對(duì)的(但孩子們似乎聽不進(jìn)去)。她還嘗試過關(guān)禁閉。她說：“大兒子會(huì)尖叫、大喊、拍墻。他變得狂怒不已。”
What can be more effective are techniques that psychologists often use with the most difficult kids, including children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. Approaches, with names like 'parent management training' and 'parent-child interaction therapy,' are backed up by hundreds of research studies and they work on typical kids, too. But while some of the approaches' components find their way into popular advice books, the tactics remain little known among the general public.
心理學(xué)家常對(duì)最棘手的孩子(包括有注意缺陷多動(dòng)障礙和對(duì)立違抗性障礙的孩子)使用的技巧是比較有效的。這些方法(名為“家長管理訓(xùn)練”、“親子互動(dòng)療法”等)背后有數(shù)百項(xiàng)研究的支持，它們也能在普通孩子身上奏效。盡管流行育兒書會(huì)提及這些方法的部分元素，但相關(guān)策略依然鮮為普通大眾所知。
The general strategy is this: Instead of just focusing on what happens when a child acts out, parents should first decide what behaviors they want to see in their kids (cleaning their room, getting ready for school on time, playing nicely with a sibling). Then they praise those behaviors when they see them. 'You start praising them and it increases the frequency of good behavior,' says Timothy Verduin, clinical assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Child Study Center at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York.
總體策略是這樣的：家長不應(yīng)該只關(guān)注孩子做了些什么，而應(yīng)該先確定他們想在孩子身上看到哪些行為(比如打掃自己的房間，按時(shí)為上學(xué)做好準(zhǔn)備，與兄弟姐妹好好相處)，然后在發(fā)現(xiàn)這些行為時(shí)予以表揚(yáng)。紐約大學(xué)朗格尼醫(yī)療中心(NYU Langone Medical Center)兒童研究中心(Child Study Center)兒童和青少年精神病學(xué)臨床助理教授維杜恩(Timothy Verduin)說：“你開始表揚(yáng)孩子之后，孩子出現(xiàn)好行為的頻率會(huì)增加。”
This sounds simple, but in real life can be tough. People's brains have a 'negativity bias,' says Alan E. Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University and director of the Yale Parenting Center. We pay more attention to when kids misbehave than when they act like angels. Dr. Kazdin recommends at least three or four instances of praise for good behavior for every timeout a kid gets. For young children, praise needs to be effusive and include a hug or some other physical affection, he says.
這聽起來很簡單，但在現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中做起來卻很難。耶魯大學(xué)(Yale University)心理學(xué)和兒童精神病學(xué)教授、耶魯育兒研究中心(Yale Parenting Center)主任、知名家長管理訓(xùn)練專家卡茲丁(Alan E. Kazdin)說，人腦有“負(fù)面偏見”。我們更關(guān)注孩子表現(xiàn)不好的時(shí)候，而不是他們像天使一樣的時(shí)候?？ㄔ〔┦拷ㄗh，一次禁閉懲罰應(yīng)該對(duì)應(yīng)至少三到四次的贊揚(yáng)。他說，對(duì)幼童的贊揚(yáng)應(yīng)該飽含感情，要包括擁抱或其他身體愛撫。
According to parent management training, when a child does mess up, parents should use mild negative consequences (a short timeout or a verbal reprimand without shouting).
按照家長管理訓(xùn)練的要求，當(dāng)孩子搗亂時(shí)，家長應(yīng)該讓孩子承擔(dān)溫和的負(fù)面后果(短時(shí)間關(guān)禁閉或者口頭訓(xùn)斥，不要大喊大叫)。
Giving a child consequences runs counter to some popular advice that parents should only praise their kids. But reprimands and negative nonverbal responses like stern looks, timeouts and taking away privileges led to greater compliance by kids according to a review article published this month in the journal Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review.
讓孩子承擔(dān)后果與一些主張家長應(yīng)當(dāng)只贊揚(yáng)孩子的流行建議背道而馳。但上月刊登在《臨床兒童和家庭心理學(xué)評(píng)論》(Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review)上的一篇綜述論文指出，訓(xùn)斥和否定性非言語反饋(以嚴(yán)厲的目光注視孩子、關(guān)禁閉和剝奪特權(quán)等)會(huì)讓孩子更守規(guī)矩。這篇論文回顧了41項(xiàng)有關(guān)管教策略和兒童服從行為的研究。
'There's a lot of fear around punishment out there,' says Daniela J. Owen, a clinical psychologist at the San Francisco Bay area Center for Cognitive Therapy in Oakland, Calif. and the lead author of the study. 'Children benefit from boundaries and limits.' The study found that praise and positive nonverbal responses like hugs and rewards like ice cream or stickers, however, didn't lead to greater compliance in the short term. 'If your child is cleaning up and he puts a block in the box and you say 'great job,' it doesn't mean the child is likely to put another block in the box,' says Dr. Owen.
加州奧克蘭(Oakland)舊金山灣地區(qū)認(rèn)知療法中心(San Francisco Bay area Center for Cognitive Therapy)的臨床心理學(xué)家、上述論文的第一作者歐文(Daniela J. Owen)說：“許多人害怕懲罰孩子，但設(shè)定界限和約束對(duì)孩子有好處。”這項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，表揚(yáng)以及擁抱、獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)冰淇淋或貼紙等肯定性非語言反饋在短期內(nèi)不會(huì)讓孩子更守規(guī)矩。歐文博士說：“如果你的孩子在收拾東西，把一塊積木放進(jìn)盒子里，你說‘做得好’，這并不意味著孩子會(huì)把另一塊積木放進(jìn)盒子里。”
But in the long run, regular praise does make a child more likely to comply, possibly because the consistent praise strengthens the parent-child relationship overall, Dr. Owen says. The article reviewed 41 studies looking at discipline strategies and child compliance.
但歐文博士說，從長期來看，常常表揚(yáng)孩子確實(shí)更容易讓孩子守規(guī)矩，這可能是因?yàn)?，不斷表揚(yáng)會(huì)讓父母與孩子之間的整體關(guān)系更加緊密。
Parents who look for discipline guidance often find conflicting advice from the avalanche of books and mommy blogs and the growing number of so-called parent coaches. (In 2011, 3,520 parenting books were published or distributed in the U.S., up from 2,774 in 2007, according to Bowker Books In Print database.)
尋找兒童管教指導(dǎo)的家長從海量的書籍、媽咪博客和越來越多所謂“家長教練”處獲得的建議常常是相互矛盾的(Bowker Books In Print 數(shù)據(jù)庫顯示，2011年有3,520本育兒書在美國出版和銷售，多于2007年的2,774本)。
'Many of the things that are recommended we know now to be wrong,' says Dr. Kazdin, a leading expert on parent management training. 'It is the equivalent of telling people to smoke a lot for their health.'
卡茲丁博士說：“書中建議的許多東西我們現(xiàn)在知道是錯(cuò)誤的。這就像告訴人們抽很多香煙有益健康一樣。”
Parents often torpedo their discipline efforts by giving vague, conditional commands and not giving kids enough time to comply with them, says Dr. Verduin, who practices parent-child interaction therapy. When crossing the street, 'A bad command would be, 'be careful.' A good command would be 'hold my hand,' ' he says. He also instructs parents to count to five to themselves after giving a child a directive, like, for example, 'Put on your coat.' 'Most parents wait a second or two,' he says, before making another command, which can easily devolve into yelling and threats.
從事親子互動(dòng)療法的維杜恩博士說，家長會(huì)給孩子下達(dá)模糊、有條件的指令，而且不給孩子足夠的時(shí)間去遵守這些指令，這常常會(huì)破壞管教的效果。他說，在過馬路的時(shí)候，“說‘小心’是不好的指令，說‘拉住我的手’則是好的指令”。他還教家長在給孩子下指令(比如“把外套穿上”)之后默數(shù)到五。他說：“多數(shù)家長會(huì)等一兩秒”，然后下達(dá)另一個(gè)指令，這就很容易演變成為吼叫和威脅。
The techniques are applicable to all ages, but psychologists note that starting early is better. Once kids hit about 10 or 11, discipline gets a lot harder. 'Parents don't have as much leverage' with tweens and teens, says Dr. Verduin. 'Kids don't care as much what the parents think about them.'
這些技巧對(duì)所有年齡的孩子都適用，但心理學(xué)家指出，及早開始使用效果會(huì)更好。孩子一旦到了10歲或11歲左右，管教難度就會(huì)大得多。維杜恩博士說：“家長對(duì)十幾歲青少年的影響力沒那么大，這些孩子不太在乎父母怎么看他們。”
Some parents try and reason with young children, which Dr. Kazdin says is bound to fail to change a kid's behavior. Reason doesn't change behavior, which is why stop-smoking messages don't usually work, Dr. Kazdin says. Overly harsh punishments also fail. 'One of the side effects of punishment is noncompliance and aggression,' he says.
一些家長會(huì)嘗試和幼童講道理，但卡茲丁博士說，這種方法是不可能改變孩子行為的。他說，講道理不會(huì)改變行為，這就是為什么禁煙宣傳一般沒什么用處的原因。太嚴(yán)厲的懲罰也會(huì)失敗。他說：“懲罰的副作用之一是導(dǎo)致不服從和攻擊性行為。”
Spanking, in particular, has been linked to aggressive behavior in kids and anger problems and increased marital conflict later on in adulthood. Still, 26% of parents 'often' or 'sometimes' spank their 19-to-35-month-old children, according to a 2004 study in the journal Pediatrics, which analyzed survey data collected by the federal government from 2,068 parents of young children.
特別需要指出的是，打屁股與孩子的攻擊性行為有關(guān)聯(lián)，并且會(huì)導(dǎo)致成年后出現(xiàn)情緒憤怒問題，婚姻矛盾也會(huì)增加。但2004年刊發(fā)于《兒科學(xué)》(Pediatrics)的一篇研究論文指出，26%的家長“常常”或“有時(shí)”打19到35個(gè)月大孩子的屁股。該研究分析了聯(lián)邦政府收集的來自2,068名幼童家長的調(diào)查數(shù)據(jù)。
At the Yale Parenting Center, psychologists have found that getting kids to 'practice' temper tantrums can lessen their frequency and intensity. Dr. Kazdin recommends that parents have their kids 'practice' once or twice a day. Gradually, ask the child to delete certain unwanted behaviors from the tantrum, like kicking or screaming. Then effusively praise those diluted tantrums. Soon, for most children, 'the real tantrums start to change,' he says. 'From one to three weeks, they are kind of over.' As for whining, Dr. Kazin recommends whining right along with your child. 'It changes the stimulus. You will likely end up laughing,' he says.
耶魯育兒研究中心的心理學(xué)家們發(fā)現(xiàn)，讓孩子“練習(xí)”發(fā)脾氣能夠降低他們鬧脾氣的頻率和強(qiáng)度。卡茲丁博士建議家長讓孩子一天“練習(xí)”一到兩次。逐步要求孩子在發(fā)脾氣時(shí)去除某些你不愿看到的行為，比如踢打或尖叫。然后熱情地贊揚(yáng)這些經(jīng)過稀釋的發(fā)脾氣行為。他說，很快，對(duì)大多數(shù)孩子來說，“真正的鬧脾氣行為會(huì)開始發(fā)生變化。經(jīng)過一到三周時(shí)間，這些鬧脾氣行為就會(huì)停止”。至于如何應(yīng)對(duì)孩子哭鬧撒嬌，卡茲丁博士建議與孩子一起哭鬧撒嬌。他說：“這會(huì)改變刺激因素，最后你們可能會(huì)一起大笑起來。”
Researchers noted that not every technique is effective for every child. Some parents find other creative solutions that work for their kids.
研究人員指出，并不是每種技巧都適用于所有孩子。一些家長會(huì)找到適合自己孩子的其他創(chuàng)意解決方案。
Karen Pesapane has found yelling 'pillow fight,' when her two kids are arguing can put a halt to the bickering. 'Their sour attitudes change almost immediately into silliness and I inevitably become their favorite target,' said Ms. Pesapane, a 34-year-old from Silver Spring, Md., who works in fundraising for a nonprofit and has a daughter 10, and a son, 6.
家住馬里蘭州銀泉市(Silver Spring)的佩薩帕內(nèi)(Karen Pesapane)在一家非盈利機(jī)構(gòu)從事籌款工作，34歲的她有一個(gè)10歲的女兒和一個(gè)六歲的兒子。她發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)她的兩個(gè)孩子爭吵時(shí)，大喊“枕頭戰(zhàn)”能讓斗嘴暫停。佩薩帕內(nèi)說：“原先懷有敵意的兩個(gè)孩子幾乎立馬變傻了，我自然就成了他們最愛的靶子。”
Dayna Even has found spending one hour a day fully focused on her 6-year-old son, Maximilian, means 'he's less likely to act out, he's more likely to play independently and less likely to interrupt adults,' says the 51-year-old writer and tutor in Kailua, Hawaii.
夏威夷凱盧阿(Kailua) 51歲的作家兼輔導(dǎo)老師埃文(Dayna Even)發(fā)現(xiàn)，如果每天花一小時(shí)將注意力完全放在六歲的兒子馬克西米利安(Maximilian)身上，“他會(huì)較少出現(xiàn)情緒失控，更易獨(dú)立玩耍，而且更少打攪大人”。
Parents need to take a child's age into account. Benjamin Siegel, professor of pediatrics at the Boston University School of Medicine notes that it isn't until about age 3 that children can really start to understand and follow rules. Dr. Siegel is the chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee that is currently reworking the organization's guidelines on discipline, last updated in 1998.
家長必須要考慮到孩子的年齡。波士頓大學(xué)醫(yī)學(xué)院(Boston University School of Medicine)的兒科教授西格爾(Benjamin Siegel)指出，孩子要到三歲左右才能真正開始理解和遵守規(guī)則。西格爾博士是美國兒科學(xué)會(huì)(American Academy of Pediatrics)一個(gè)委員會(huì)的主席，該委員會(huì)目前在重新制定美國兒科學(xué)會(huì)的兒童管教指導(dǎo)原則(最近一次更新是在1998年)。
