《渺小一生》:他站在他們家車道的盡頭

　 “Really?”

“真的？”

　 Malcolm’s persistent credulity makes him grin. “Yes,” he says. “Ready, guys?”

馬爾科姆總是這么好騙，他不禁咧嘴笑?！罢娴?，”他說，“兩位準備好了嗎？”

　 As he drives, they talk about how long it’s been since they’ve seen one another, about how glad Sophie and Malcolm are to be home, about Malcolm’s disastrous driving lessons, about how perfect the weather is, how sweet and haylike the air smells. The best summer, he thinks again.

他開車時，三個人聊著他們很久沒見，聊著蘇菲和馬爾科姆有多高興回到家，聊著馬爾科姆學開車的悲慘狀況，聊著今天的天氣真完美，空氣聞起來甜蜜又有干草氣味。最棒的夏天，他再度想著。

　 It is a thirty-minute drive back to the house from the station, a little faster if he hurries, but he doesn’t hurry, because the drive itself is pretty. And when he crosses the final large intersection, he doesn’t even see the truck coming toward him, barreling into traffic against the light, and by the time he feels it, a tremendous crush crumpling the passenger-seat side of the car, where Sophie is sitting next to him, he is already aloft, being ejected into the air. “No!” he shouts, or thinks he does, and then, in an instant, he sees a flash of Jude’s face: just his face, his expression still unresolved, torn from his body and suspended against a black sky. His ears, his head, fill with the roar of pleating metal, of exploding glass, of his own useless howls.

從車站開到燈籠屋要三十分鐘，趕時間的話可以更快，但他不趕時間，因為沿途風景很漂亮。當他經過最后一個大型十字路口時，他甚至沒看到那輛卡車朝他而來，闖了紅燈沖進車陣里，等他感覺到時，巨大的撞擊壓皺了副駕駛座那一側，蘇菲就坐在那里，此時他已經被彈出車外，飛在空中。“不！”他大喊，以為自己在大喊，然后剎那間，他看到裘德的臉一閃而過：只有臉，表情還不清楚，也沒有身體，只有一張臉懸在一片黑色天空里。同時他的耳朵、他的頭，充滿了金屬被壓扁和玻璃爆炸的巨響，以及他自己徒勞的嚎叫。

　 But his final thoughts are not of Jude, but of Hemming. He sees the house he lived in as a child and, sitting in his wheelchair in the center of the lawn, just before it slopes down toward the stables, Hemming, staring at him with a steady, constant gaze, the kind he was never able to give him in life.

但他最后想到的不是裘德，而是亨明。他看到他小時候住的那棟房子，亨明坐在草坪中間的輪椅上，前方就是往馬廄的斜坡。亨明用一種持續(xù)、恒定的眼光注視著他，那是他在世時從來沒有過的。

　 He is at the end of their driveway, where the dirt road meets the asphalt, and seeing Hemming, he is overcome with longing. “Hemming!” he shouts, and then, nonsensically, “Wait for me!” And he begins to run toward his brother, so fast that after a while, he can’t even feel his feet strike the ground beneath him.

他站在他們家車道的盡頭，泥土路和柏油路交會之處。他看到亨明，難以抑制心中的渴望。“亨明！”他大喊，然后荒謬地叫道，“等等我！”他開始跑向亨明，跑得太快了，才跑了一會兒，就連碰撞地面的雙腳都感覺不到了。

　 [ VI ]

第六部分

　 Dear Comrade

親愛的同志

　 1

1

　 ONE OF THE first movies Willem ever starred in was a project called Life After Death. The film was a take on the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, and was told from alternating perspectives and shot by two different, highly regarded directors. Willem played O., a young musician in Stockholm whose girlfriend had just died, and who had begun having delusions that when he played certain melodies, she would appear beside him. An Italian actress, Fausta, played E., O.’s deceased girlfriend.

威廉最早主演的電影中，有一部名叫《死后的生活》。電影取材自希臘神話中俄耳甫斯和歐律狄刻的故事，展現(xiàn)了兩種不同的觀點、由兩位備受贊譽的導演各自拍攝。威廉飾演俄爾甫斯，是一個斯德哥爾摩的年輕音樂家。他的女朋友剛過世，在他彈奏某些樂曲時，會產生幻覺，看到女朋友出現(xiàn)在他身旁。一個意大利女演員福絲塔飾演俄爾甫斯剛過世的女朋友歐律狄刻。

　 The joke of the movie was that while O. stared and wept and mourned for his love from earth, E. was having a terrific time in hell, where she could, finally, stop behaving: stop looking after her querulous mother and her harassed father; stop listening to the whining of the clients she tried to help as a lawyer for the indigent but who never thanked her; stop indulging her self-absorbed friends’ endless patter; stop trying to cheer her sweet but perpetually morose boyfriend. Instead, she was in the underworld, a place where the food was plentiful and where the trees were always sagging with fruit, where she could make catty comments about other people without consequence, a place where she even attracted the attention of Hades himself, who was being played by a large, muscular Italian actor named Rafael.

這部電影開的玩笑，就是正當俄爾甫斯在茫然地哭泣、哀悼他的摯愛離開人世時，歐律狄刻卻在地獄里過得開心極了。在那里，她終于可以不必再那么乖了：不必再照顧她挑剔的母親和疲憊的父親；身為公設辯護律師、盡心協(xié)助窮人的她，不必再傾聽那些從來沒謝過她，還發(fā)牢騷的客戶；不必再縱容那些只關心自己的朋友們喋喋不休；不必再設法鼓舞那個貼心、但長期悶悶不樂的男朋友了。反之，她在食物充足、樹上永遠果實累累的陰間，可以毒舌地批評他人而不會引發(fā)后果。她甚至吸引了冥界之王哈迪斯的注意；哈迪斯由一個肌肉發(fā)達的大塊頭，意大利男演員拉斐爾飾演。

　 Life After Death had divided the critics. Some of them loved it: they loved how the film said so much about two different cultures’ fundamentally different approach to life itself (O.’s story was shot by a famous Swedish director in somber grays and blues; E.’s story was told by an Italian director known for his aesthetic exuberance), while at the same time offering glints of gentle self-parody; they loved its tonal shifts; they loved how tenderly, and unexpectedly, it offered solace to the living.

《死后的生活》當時引起了兩極的評價。有些人愛極了：他們喜歡這部電影充分反映了在兩種不同的文化中對于生活本身截然不同的取向（俄爾甫斯的故事是由一位知名的瑞典導演拍攝，充滿了陰郁的灰色與藍色調；歐律狄刻的故事則由一位素以熱情奔放的美學風格著稱的意大利導演拍攝），但片中同時閃現(xiàn)著溫和的自我惡搞意味；他們喜歡片中的色調轉換；他們喜歡這部電影極其溫柔且意想不到地為活著的人提供了撫慰。

　 But others had hated it: they thought it jarring in both timbre and palette; they hated its tone of ambivalent satire; they hated the musical number that E. participates in while in hell, even as her poor O. plinks away aboveground on his chilly, spare compositions.

但也有些人很討厭這部電影：他們認為音樂刺耳、美術刺眼；他們討厭那種矛盾的諷刺基調；他們討厭可憐的俄爾甫斯在人間緩緩彈奏著他凄涼、簡樸的作品時，歐律狄刻在地獄中參與表演的那段歌舞場面。

　 But although the debate over the movie (which practically no one in the States saw, but about which everyone had an opinion) was impassioned, there was unanimity about at least one thing: the two leads, Willem Ragnarsson and Fausta San Filippo, were fantastic, and would go on to have great careers.

針對這部電影（在美國幾乎沒人看過，但每個人都對它有意見）的爭論很熱烈，但至少大家一致同意：男女主角威廉·拉格納松和福絲塔·圣菲利波的表現(xiàn)太精彩了，兩個人的前途大好。

　 Over the years, Life After Death had been reconsidered, and rethought, and reevaluated, and restudied, and by the time Willem was in his mid-forties, the movie had become officially beloved, a favorite among its directors’ oeuvres, a symbol of the kind of collaborative, irreverent, fearless, and yet playful filmmaking that far too few people seemed interested in doing any longer. Willem had been in such a diverse collection of films and plays that he had always been interested in hearing what people named as their favorite, and then reporting his findings back to Willem: the younger male partners and associates at Rosen Pritchard liked the spy movies, for example. The women liked Duets. The temps—many of them actors themselves—liked The Poisoned Apple. JB liked The Unvanquished. Richard liked The Stars Over St. James. Harold and Julia liked The Lacuna Detectives and Uncle Vanya. And film students—who had been the least shy about approaching Willem in restaurants or on the street—invariably liked Life After Death. “It’s some of Donizetti’s best work,” they’d say, confidently, or “It must’ve been amazing to be directed by Bergesson.”

之后多年，《死后的生活》被重新討論、思考、評價、研究，等到威廉45歲左右，這部電影已經成為公認的杰作，也成為那兩位導演最受喜愛的作品之一，象征著一種協(xié)力合作、沒有包袱、大膽無畏又幽默的電影制作方式，現(xiàn)在沒什么人有興趣這樣拍電影了。威廉演過太多各式各樣的電影和舞臺劇，裘德總是很有興趣聽人們講出他們最喜歡的作品，再轉述給威廉聽。比方說，羅森·普理查德律師事務所比較年輕的男性合伙律師和普通律師喜歡他的“間諜三部曲”。女性則喜歡《二重唱》。臨時雇員（其中許多也是演員）喜歡《毒蘋果》。杰比喜歡《不敗者》。理查德喜歡《星光下的圣雅各布》。哈羅德和朱麗婭喜歡《空隙偵探》和《凡尼亞舅舅》。而學電影的學生則一致喜歡《死后的生活》，在餐廳里或大街上，他們是最勇于上前跟威廉攀談的?！澳鞘嵌嗄岵傻僮畎舻淖髌贰！彼麄冃判氖愕卣f，或者“能跟博格森導演合作，一定棒呆了”。

　 Willem had always been polite. “I agree,” he’d say, and the film student would beam. “It was. It was amazing.”

威廉總是很有禮貌?！拔彝??！彼麜@樣說，那個電影學生則滿面笑容，“真的，真的很棒?！?

　 This year marks the twentieth anniversary of Life After Death, and one day in February he steps outside to find that Willem’s thirty-three-year-old face has been plastered across the sides of buildings, on the backs of bus-stop shelters, in Warholian multiples along long stretches of scaffolding. It is a Saturday, and although he has been intending to take a walk, he instead turns around and retreats upstairs, where he lies down in bed again and closes his eyes until he falls asleep once more. On Monday, he sits in the back of the car as Mr. Ahmed drives him up Sixth Avenue, and after he sees the first poster, wheat-pasted onto the window of an empty storefront, he shuts his eyes and keeps them shut until he feels the car stop and hears Mr. Ahmed announce that they are at the office.

今年是《死后的生活》上映二十周年。二月的某一天，他走出公寓樓下大門，發(fā)現(xiàn)威廉33歲的臉被貼在巴士站后方建筑物的臨時支架上，仿照安迪·沃霍爾的絹印版畫風格，重復地貼了一大片。那是星期六，他本來想去散步，結果卻轉身上樓，回床上躺著，閉上眼睛，直到再度入睡。星期一，艾哈邁德先生開車載他去第六大道上班。他坐在后座，看到一張海報貼在一間空店面的櫥窗上，就閉上眼睛不再睜開，直到他感覺車子停下，聽到艾哈邁德先生宣布辦公室到了。

　 Later that week he receives an invitation from MoMA; it seems that Life After Death will be the first to be screened in a weeklong festival in June celebrating Simon Bergesson’s films, and that there will be a panel following the movie at which both of the directors as well as Fausta will be present, and they are hopeful he will attend and—although they know they had extended the offer before—would be thrilled if he might join the panel too and speak about Willem’s experiences during shooting. This stops him: Had they invited him earlier? He supposes they had. But he can’t remember. He can remember very little from the past six months. He looks now at the dates of the festival: June third through June eleventh. He will make plans to be out of town then; he has to be. Willem had shot two other films with Bergesson—they had been friendly. He doesn’t want to have to see more posters with Willem’s face, to read his name in the paper again. He doesn’t want to have to see Bergesson.

那個星期稍晚，他接到了一封紐約現(xiàn)代藝術博物館寄來的邀請函。他們要在六月舉辦西蒙·博格森的電影節(jié)，為期一周，看來《死后的生活》將是第一部放映的電影，而且播放后會有一場座談會，兩位導演和福絲塔都將出席，所以主辦單位希望他能參加（雖然他們知道之前已經邀請過他了），而且希望有幸邀請他擔任座談會的貴賓，談談威廉拍攝期間的經驗。他看到這里停下來：他們稍早邀請過他嗎？想必是有吧。但他不記得了。過去六個月他記得的事情非常少。這會兒他又查了一下那個電影節(jié)的日期：六月三日到六月十一日。他得計劃一下，到時候得離開紐約市；非離開不可。威廉后來又跟博格森合作過兩部電影，彼此交情不錯。他不想再被迫看到更多有威廉臉部特寫的海報，不想再在報紙上看到他的名字。他不想看到博格森。

　 That night, before bed, he goes first to Willem’s side of the closet, which he still has not emptied. Here are Willem’s shirts on their hangers, and his sweaters on their shelves, and his shoes lined up beneath. He takes down the shirt he needs, a burgundy plaid woven through with threads of yellow, which Willem used to wear around the house in the springtime, and shrugs it on over his head. But instead of putting his arms through its sleeves, he ties the sleeves in front of him, which makes the shirt look like a straitjacket, but which he can pretend—if he concentrates—are Willem’s arms in an embrace around him. He climbs into bed. This ritual embarrasses and shames him, but he only does it when he really needs it, and tonight he really needs it.

那天夜里，上床前，他先走到衣柜間威廉的那一頭。他一直還沒把那清出來，威廉的襯衫還掛在衣架上，毛衣還疊好放在擱板上，鞋子則排列在下方。他拿出自己需要的那件襯衫，是一件酒紅加黃色的格子襯衫，威廉春天在家里常常穿。他把襯衫套在身上，但手臂沒有伸進袖子里，而是把袖子在身前打了個結，于是那件襯衫看起來就像束縛衣，但這么一來，專心想象的話，他就可以假裝是威廉的雙臂在擁抱他。他爬上床。這個儀式讓他丟臉又羞愧，但他只有在真正需要的時候才會這樣做，而今天晚上他就需要。

　 He lies awake. Occasionally he brings his nose down to the collar so he can try to smell what remains of Willem on the shirt, but with every wear, the fragrance grows fainter. This is the fourth shirt of Willem’s he has used, and he is very careful about preserving its scent. The first three shirts, ones he wore almost nightly for months, no longer smell like Willem; they smell like him. Sometimes he tries to comfort himself with the fact that his very scent is something given to him by Willem, but he is never comforted for long.

他躺著沒睡，偶爾把鼻子湊到領口上，設法聞聞襯衫上威廉殘留的氣味，但每穿一次，氣味就淡一點。這是他用過的第四件威廉的襯衫；他非常小心地保存上頭的氣味。前面三件他幾乎每晚都穿，穿了幾個月，聞起來已經不像威廉，而像他自己了。有時他設法安慰自己，說他身上的氣味也是威廉給他的，但這從來不能讓他安心太久。