《渺小一生》:可是到了夜晚，他太害怕

　 He is enjoying the dinner, amused even by how people keep adding scoops of different food to his plate, even though he hasn’t eaten much of his first serving, but he is so sleepy, and eventually he burrows back into the chair and closes his eyes, smiling as he listens to the familiar conversation, the familiar voices, fill the air around him.

他很享受這頓晚餐，甚至看大家一直夾菜到他盤子里都覺(jué)得很好玩，即使他第一次分到的菜根本沒(méi)吃多少?？墒撬Я?，最后就往后靠回椅子上，閉上眼睛，微笑聽(tīng)著周圍空氣中充滿那些熟悉的交談、熟悉的聲音。

　 Eventually Willem notices that he is falling asleep, and he hears him stand. “Okay,” he says, “time for your diva exit,” and turns the chair from the table and begins pushing it away toward their bedroom, and he uses the last of his strength to answer everyone’s laughter, their song of goodbyes, to peek out around the wing of the chair and smile at them, letting his fingers trail behind him in an airy, theatrical wave. “Stay,” he calls out as he is taken from them. “Please stay. Please stay and give Willem some decent conversation,” and they agree they will; it isn’t even seven, after all—they have hours and hours. “I love you,” he calls to them, and they shout it back at him, all of them at once, although even in their chorus, he can still distinguish each individual voice.

最后威廉注意到他快睡著了，他聽(tīng)到威廉站起來(lái)?！昂冒?，”威廉說(shuō)，“天后要退場(chǎng)了。”然后把椅子從桌前轉(zhuǎn)開(kāi)，推向他們的臥室。他用殘存的一絲力氣回應(yīng)大家的笑聲和道別，轉(zhuǎn)頭探出椅子的翼背外看了一下，朝大家微笑，同時(shí)手指往后輕快地、戲劇化地?fù)]動(dòng)。“留下，”他離開(kāi)時(shí)喊道，“請(qǐng)留下。請(qǐng)留下跟威廉聊個(gè)痛快?！彼麄冋f(shuō)會(huì)的；畢竟，此時(shí)還不到7點(diǎn)，他們還有很多時(shí)間?！拔覑?ài)你們?！彼麄兇蠛?，他們也一起朝他喊出同樣的話。雖然齊聲喊著，他還是分辨得出每個(gè)人的聲音。

　 At the doorway to their bedroom, Willem lifts him—he has lost so much weight, and without his prostheses is so less storklike a form, that now even Julia can lift him—and carries him to their bed, helps him undress, helps him remove his temporary prostheses, folds the covers back over him. He pours him a glass of water, hands him his pills: an antibiotic, a fistful of vitamins. He swallows them all as Willem watches, and then for a while Willem sits on the bed next to him, not touching him, but simply near.

到了臥室門口，威廉抱起他，把他放上床。他瘦了很多，如果沒(méi)有那對(duì)害他看起來(lái)像只鸛鳥(niǎo)的義肢，現(xiàn)在連朱麗婭都能抱得動(dòng)他。威廉幫著他脫掉衣服，拆掉臨時(shí)義肢，又用床單蓋住他。最后幫他倒了杯水，遞給他藥丸：一顆抗生素，幾顆維生素。他全部吞下，威廉注視著他，有一會(huì)兒，威廉就坐在旁邊的床上，沒(méi)碰他，只是靠得很近。

　 “Promise me you’ll go out there and stay up late,” he tells Willem, and Willem shrugs.

“答應(yīng)我，你會(huì)出去陪他們待到很晚?！彼嬖V威廉，威廉聳聳肩。

　 “Maybe I’ll just stay here with you,” he says. “They seem to be having a fine time without me.” And sure enough, there is a burst of laughter from the dining room, and they look at each other and smile.

“或許我就在這里陪你?！蓖f(shuō)，“沒(méi)了我，他們好像照樣玩得很高興?！惫?，這時(shí)餐廳剛好傳來(lái)一陣爆笑聲，他們相視微笑起來(lái)。

　 “No,” he says, “promise me,” and finally, Willem does. “Thank you, Willem,” he says, inadequately, his eyes closing. “This was a good day.”

“不，”他說(shuō)，“答應(yīng)我。”威廉終于答應(yīng)了?！爸x謝你，威廉。”他無(wú)力地說(shuō)，閉上眼睛，“這是美好的一天?！?

　 “It was, wasn’t it?” he hears Willem say, and then he begins to say something else, but he doesn’t hear it because he has fallen asleep.

“是啊，可不是嗎？”他聽(tīng)到威廉說(shuō)，而且又說(shuō)了些話，但是他沒(méi)聽(tīng)到，因?yàn)樗恕?

　 That night his dreams wake him. It is one of the side effects of the particular antibiotic he is on, these dreams, and this time, they are worse than ever. Night after night, he dreams. He dreams that he is in the motel rooms, that he is in Dr. Traylor’s house. He dreams that he is still fifteen, that the previous thirty-three years haven’t even happened. He dreams of specific clients, specific incidents, of things he hadn’t even known he remembered. He dreams that he has become Brother Luke himself. He dreams, again and again, that Harold is Dr. Traylor, and when he wakes, he feels ashamed for attributing such behavior to Harold, even in his subconscious, and at the same time fearful that the dream might be real after all, and he has to remind himself of Willem’s promise: Never, ever, Jude. He would never do that to you, not for anything.

那一夜，他從夢(mèng)境中驚醒。做這些夢(mèng)是他吃的這種抗生素的副作用之一，而且這一回是史無(wú)前例的糟。他每一夜都做夢(mèng)，夢(mèng)到自己在汽車旅館房間里，在特雷勒醫(yī)生的房子里。他夢(mèng)到自己只有15歲，之后的三十三年都還沒(méi)發(fā)生。他夢(mèng)到一些特定的顧客、特定的事件，夢(mèng)到一些他都不知道自己記得的事情。他夢(mèng)到自己變成盧克修士。他一次又一次夢(mèng)到哈羅德就是特雷勒醫(yī)生，醒來(lái)時(shí)，他覺(jué)得很羞愧，居然把這類行為派給哈羅德，即使是在潛意識(shí)里；同時(shí)他又很怕那個(gè)夢(mèng)是真的，于是不得不提醒自己威廉跟他保證過(guò)：絕對(duì)、絕對(duì)不會(huì)，裘德。他永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)那樣對(duì)你的，絕對(duì)不可能。

　 Sometimes the dreams are so vivid, so real, that it takes minutes, an hour for him to return to his life, for him to convince himself that the life of his consciousness is in fact real life, his real life. Sometimes he wakes so far from himself that he can’t even remember who he is. “Where am I?” he asks, desperate, and then, “Who am I? Who am I?”

有時(shí)那些夢(mèng)很鮮明、很真實(shí)，他要花好多分鐘，甚至一小時(shí)，才能回過(guò)神來(lái)，相信他清醒過(guò)來(lái)的生活的確是真實(shí)的人生，他的真實(shí)人生。有時(shí)醒來(lái)時(shí)，他離自己好遠(yuǎn)，甚至不記得自己是誰(shuí)了。“我在哪里？”他絕望地問(wèn)，又問(wèn)，“我是誰(shuí)？我是誰(shuí)？”

　 And then he hears, so close to his ear that it is as if the voice is originating inside his own head, Willem’s whispered incantation. “You’re Jude St. Francis. You are my oldest, dearest friend. You’re the son of Harold Stein and Julia Altman. You’re the friend of Malcolm Irvine, of Jean-Baptiste Marion, of Richard Goldfarb, of Andy Contractor, of Lucien Voigt, of Citizen van Straaten, of Rhodes Arrowsmith, of Elijah Kozma, of Phaedra de los Santos, of the Henry Youngs.

然后他聽(tīng)到，離他耳邊好近，仿佛那聲音發(fā)自自己的腦袋，威廉念咒語(yǔ)似的低聲說(shuō)：“你是裘德·圣弗朗西斯。你是我最老、最親的朋友。你是哈羅德·斯汀和朱麗婭·阿特曼的兒子。你是馬爾科姆·歐文、讓·巴蒂斯特·馬里恩的朋友，你是理查德·戈德法布、安迪·康垂克特、呂西安·福格特、西提任·范·史特拉頓、羅茲·阿羅史密斯的朋友，你是伊利亞·科茲馬、菲德拉·德·洛斯·桑托斯，還有兩個(gè)亨利·楊的朋友。

　 “You’re a New Yorker. You live in SoHo. You volunteer for an arts organization; you volunteer for a food kitchen.

“你是紐約人。你住在蘇荷區(qū)。你是一個(gè)藝術(shù)組織和一間食物廚房的義工。

　 “You’re a swimmer. You’re a baker. You’re a cook. You’re a reader. You have a beautiful voice, though you never sing anymore. You’re an excellent pianist. You’re an art collector. You write me lovely messages when I’m away. You’re patient. You’re generous. You’re the best listener I know. You’re the smartest person I know, in every way. You’re the bravest person I know, in every way.

“你很會(huì)游泳。你很會(huì)烘焙。你很會(huì)做菜。你愛(ài)閱讀。你的嗓子很美，不過(guò)你現(xiàn)在都不唱了。你鋼琴?gòu)椀煤芎谩Ｄ闶詹厮囆g(shù)品。我出遠(yuǎn)門時(shí)，你會(huì)寫很棒的短信給我。你很有耐心。你很大方。你是我認(rèn)識(shí)最棒的傾聽(tīng)者。你是我認(rèn)識(shí)最聰明的人，各方面都是。你是我認(rèn)識(shí)最勇敢的人，每一件事都很勇敢。

　 “You’re a lawyer. You’re the chair of the litigation department at Rosen Pritchard and Klein. You love your job; you work hard at it.

“你是律師。你是羅森·普理查德律師事務(wù)所訴訟部門的主任。你熱愛(ài)你的工作；你工作時(shí)非常認(rèn)真。

　 “You’re a mathematician. You’re a logician. You’ve tried to teach me, again and again.

“你是數(shù)學(xué)家。你是邏輯學(xué)家。你一直設(shè)法教我，一次又一次。

　 “You were treated horribly. You came out on the other end. You were always you.”

“你曾被很可怕地對(duì)待過(guò)。你熬過(guò)來(lái)了。你永遠(yuǎn)都是你?！?

　 On and on Willem talks, chanting him back to himself, and in the daytime—sometimes days later—he remembers pieces of what Willem has said and holds them close to him, as much as for what he said as for what he didn’t, for how he hadn’t defined him.

威廉一直說(shuō)一直說(shuō)，反復(fù)說(shuō)到他回過(guò)神來(lái)。在白天，有時(shí)要幾天之后，他想起威廉說(shuō)過(guò)的片段，在心里緊緊握住不放，不光是他說(shuō)的內(nèi)容，同樣重要的是他沒(méi)說(shuō)出來(lái)的，威廉沒(méi)用那些事情定義他。

　 But in the nighttime he is too terrified, he is too lost to recognize this. His panic is too real, too consuming. “And who are you?” he asks, looking at the man who is holding him, who is describing someone he doesn’t recognize, someone who seems to have so much, someone who seems like such an enviable, beloved person. “Who are you?”

可是到了夜晚，他太害怕、太迷失，根本不記得這些了。他的恐慌很真實(shí)，又很消耗精力。“那你是誰(shuí)？”他問(wèn)，看著眼前這個(gè)人抱住他，描述某個(gè)他不認(rèn)得的人，某個(gè)似乎擁有很多、很值得羨慕、討人喜歡的人?！澳闶钦l(shuí)？”

　 The man has an answer to this question as well. “I’m Willem Ragnarsson,” he says. “And I will never let you go.”

這個(gè)問(wèn)題，眼前這個(gè)人也有答案?！拔沂峭だ窦{松。”他說(shuō)，“我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)讓你離開(kāi)?！?

　 “I’m going,” he tells Jude, but then he doesn’t move. A dragonfly, as shiny as a scarab, hums above them. “I’m going,” he repeats, but he still doesn’t move, and it is only the third time he says it that he’s finally able to stand up from the lounge chair, drunk on the hot air, and shove his feet back into his loafers.

“我要走了?！彼嬖V裘德，但他沒(méi)動(dòng)。一只閃亮如金龜子的蜻蜓出現(xiàn)，在他們上方發(fā)出飛行的嗡響?！拔乙吡恕！彼终f(shuō)了一次，但還是沒(méi)動(dòng)，直到他說(shuō)了第三次，才有辦法從躺椅上站起身，在熱空氣中懶洋洋地將雙腳塞進(jìn)平底便鞋里。

　 “Limes,” says Jude, looking up at him and shielding his eyes against the sun.

“記得買青檸?！濒玫抡f(shuō)，抬頭看著他，臉上戴著太陽(yáng)眼鏡，以抵擋陽(yáng)光。