《渺小一生》:“我決定動(dòng)手術(shù)了?！?/h1>

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2020年07月18日

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　 “But you can’t guarantee me that I’ll even keep the knees this time,” he says, petulant. “You can’t guarantee I won’t develop sepsis in the future.”

“但是現(xiàn)在，你也沒(méi)辦法保證我能保住膝蓋?！彼涡缘卣f(shuō)，“你沒(méi)辦法擔(dān)保我以后就不會(huì)有敗血癥啊?！?

　 “No,” Andy admits. “But as I said, I think there’s a very good chance you will keep them. And I think if we remove this part of your body that’s so gravely infected that it’ll help prevent further disease.”

“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，”安迪承認(rèn)，“不過(guò)就像我之前說(shuō)的，我覺(jué)得保住你膝蓋的機(jī)會(huì)很大。另外我覺(jué)得，如果我們把你嚴(yán)重感染的這部分身體去掉，可以預(yù)防其他疾病?！?

　 They are all quiet again. “This sounds like a choice that isn’t a choice,” he mutters.

他們又沉默下來(lái)。“這個(gè)選擇聽(tīng)起來(lái)根本就是沒(méi)得選擇?！彼f(shuō)。

　 Andy sighs. “As I said, Jude,” he says, “it is a choice. It’s your choice. You don’t have to make it tomorrow, or even this week. But I want you to think about it, carefully.”

安迪嘆氣?！棒玫?，就像我之前說(shuō)的，”他說(shuō)，“這確實(shí)是一個(gè)選擇。是你的選擇。你不必明天就決定，甚至不必這個(gè)星期決定。不過(guò)我希望你慎重考慮一下?！?

　 He leaves, and he and Willem are left alone. “Do we have to talk about it now?” he asks, when he can finally look at Willem, and Willem shakes his head. Outside the sky is turning rose-colored; the sunset will be long and beautiful. But he doesn’t want beauty. He wishes, suddenly, that he could swim, but he hasn’t swum since the first bone infection. He hasn’t done anything. He hasn’t gone anywhere. He has had to turn his London clients over to a colleague, because his IV has tethered him to New York. His muscles have disappeared: he is soft flesh on bone; he moves like an old man. “I’m going to bed,” he tells Willem, and when Willem says, quietly, “Yasmin’s coming in a couple of hours,” he wants to cry. “Right,” he says, to the floor. “Well. I’m going to take a nap, then. I’ll wake up for Yasmin.”

安迪離開(kāi)了，只剩他和威廉?！拔覀兎堑矛F(xiàn)在談這件事嗎？”他問(wèn)。此時(shí)他終于有辦法看威廉了，威廉搖搖頭。外頭的天空已轉(zhuǎn)成粉紅色，日落將會(huì)漫長(zhǎng)而美麗。但他不想要美麗。他突然好希望自己可以游泳，但自從第一次骨頭感染以來(lái)，他就沒(méi)再游過(guò)了。他什么都沒(méi)做，哪里都沒(méi)去。他必須把倫敦的客戶轉(zhuǎn)給同事，因?yàn)辄c(diǎn)滴注射把他綁在紐約。他身上的肌肉都流失了：現(xiàn)在他只有骨頭上松軟的肉；移動(dòng)時(shí)像個(gè)老人?！拔乙ニX(jué)了?！彼嬖V威廉。威廉低聲說(shuō)：“雅思敏再過(guò)兩小時(shí)就要過(guò)來(lái)了。”他聽(tīng)了好想哭。“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，”他低頭看著地板說(shuō)，“好吧，那我去小睡一下。等雅思敏來(lái)了我再起床?！?

　 That night, after Yasmin has left, he cuts himself for the first time in a long time; he watches the blood weep across the marble and into the drain. He knows how irrational it seems, his desire to keep his legs, his legs that have caused him so many problems, that have cost him how many hours, how much money, how much pain to maintain? But still: They are his. They are his legs. They are him. How can he willingly cut away a part of himself? He knows that he has already cut away so much of himself over the years: flesh, skin, scars. But somehow this is different. If he sacrifices his legs, he will be admitting to Dr. Traylor that he has won; he will be surrendering to him, to that night in the field with the car.

那天夜里，雅思敏離開(kāi)后，他割了自己，他好久沒(méi)割了；他看著血流過(guò)大理石，進(jìn)入排水口。他知道自己想保住兩腿有多么不理性，這兩條腿給他惹了這么多麻煩，花了那么多時(shí)間，消耗了那么多金錢(qián)，引起那么多痛苦，而他還想保住？然而，這是他的，是他的腿。這兩條腿就是他。他怎么可能樂(lè)意切掉自己的一部分？他知道多年來(lái)他已經(jīng)切掉過(guò)太多部分的自己了：肉、皮膚、傷疤。但不知怎的，眼前這件事不一樣。如果他犧牲掉他的雙腿，他就是承認(rèn)特雷勒醫(yī)生贏了；他就是向特雷勒醫(yī)生投降，向那一夜那片田野的那輛車投降。

　 And it is also different because he knows that once he loses them, he will no longer be able to pretend. He will no longer be able to pretend that someday he will walk again, that someday he will be better. He will no longer be able to pretend that he isn’t disabled. Up, once more, will go his freak-show factor. He will be someone who is defined, first and always, by what he is missing.

而且這回不一樣，因?yàn)樗酪坏┦蓷l腿，他就再也沒(méi)辦法假裝了。他再也不能假裝有一天他又可以走路，有一天他會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)。他再也不能假裝他不是殘障。他的怪胎秀元素又會(huì)增加一個(gè)。他所失去的部分，將成為他這個(gè)人第一個(gè)、也是永遠(yuǎn)的定義。

　 And he is tired. He doesn’t want to have to learn how to walk again. He doesn’t want to work at regaining weight he knows he will lose, weight on top of the weight he has struggled to replace from the first bone infection, weight that he has re-lost with the second. He doesn’t want to go back into the hospital, he doesn’t want to wake disoriented and confused, he doesn’t want to be visited by night terrors, he doesn’t want to explain to his colleagues that he is sick yet again, he doesn’t want the months and months of being weak, of fighting to regain his equilibrium. He doesn’t want Willem to see him without his legs, he doesn’t want to give him one more challenge, one more grotesquerie to overcome. He wants to be normal, he has only ever wanted to be normal, and yet with each year, he moves further and further from normalcy. He knows it is fallacious to think of the mind and the body as two separate, competing entities, but he cannot help it. He doesn’t want his body to win one more battle, to make the decision for him, to make him feel so helpless. He doesn’t want to be dependent on Willem, to have to ask him to lift him in and out of bed because his arms will be too useless and watery, to help him use the bathroom, to see the remains of his legs rounded into stumps. He had always assumed that there would be some sort of warning before this point, that his body would alert him before it became seriously worse. He knows, he does, that this past year and a half was his warning—a long, slow, consistent, unignorable warning—but he has chosen, in his arrogance and stupid hope, not to see it for what it is. He has chosen to believe that because he had always recovered, that he would once again, one more time. He has given himself the privilege of assuming that his chances are limitless.

而且他累了。他不想重新學(xué)習(xí)如何走路。他不想努力增加失去的體重，他很清楚，除了補(bǔ)回第一次和第二次骨頭感染失去的，現(xiàn)在還要多補(bǔ)一些回來(lái)。他不想又去住院，他不想醒來(lái)后茫然又困惑，他不想再經(jīng)歷夜間來(lái)襲的恐懼，他不想向同事解釋他又病了，他不想一個(gè)月又一個(gè)月地虛弱下去，一再奮戰(zhàn)重回平衡的狀態(tài)。他不想讓威廉看到他沒(méi)有腿，他不想多給他一項(xiàng)挑戰(zhàn)、多一個(gè)要克服的怪誕狀態(tài)。他想當(dāng)個(gè)正常人，他唯一想要的就是正常，然而隨著每一年過(guò)去，他都離正常狀態(tài)越來(lái)越遠(yuǎn)。他知道把心靈和身體想成是兩個(gè)分開(kāi)的、互不兼容的個(gè)體是不對(duì)的，但他就是會(huì)這樣想。他不希望他的身體又贏了一場(chǎng)戰(zhàn)役，又為他做了決定，讓他很無(wú)能為力。他不想依賴威廉，不想請(qǐng)威廉抱著他上床或下床，只因?yàn)樗氖周浘d綿的根本沒(méi)用，不想拜托威廉幫他上廁所，不想讓威廉看到他只剩兩截尾端圓圓的殘肢。他總是假設(shè)這個(gè)時(shí)刻到來(lái)之前會(huì)有某種警告，他的身體會(huì)在嚴(yán)重惡化之前發(fā)出警告。他知道，他真的知道，過(guò)去這一年半就是在警告他；這是一個(gè)漫長(zhǎng)、緩慢、持續(xù)、無(wú)法忽視的警告。但在他的狂妄和愚蠢的期望之下，他選擇不去正視那些警告，而是選擇相信過(guò)去的自己都復(fù)原了，所以這回也一樣。他給自己這項(xiàng)特權(quán)，假設(shè)自己擁有無(wú)限多的機(jī)會(huì)。

　 Three nights later he wakes again with a fever; again he goes into the hospital; again he is discharged. This fever has been caused by an infection around his catheter, which is removed. A new one is inserted into his internal jugular vein, where it forms a bulge that not even his shirt collars can wholly camouflage.

三天之后的晚上，他又發(fā)燒醒來(lái)，被送進(jìn)醫(yī)院，然后又出院。這回發(fā)燒是因?yàn)閷?dǎo)管附近的感染所引起的，于是那根導(dǎo)管被拿掉了。新的中央靜脈導(dǎo)管從他的內(nèi)頸靜脈插入，那里鼓起一塊，連襯衫領(lǐng)子都無(wú)法完全遮住。

　 His first night back home, he is coasting through his dreams when he opens his eyes and sees that Willem isn’t in bed next to him, and he works himself into his wheelchair and glides out of the room.

他回家的第一夜，從夢(mèng)境中醒來(lái)，睜開(kāi)眼睛發(fā)現(xiàn)威廉不在床上，于是設(shè)法坐上輪椅，滑出房間。

　 He sees Willem before Willem sees him; he is sitting at the dining table, the light on above him, his back to the bookcases, staring out into the room. There is a glass of water before him, and his elbow is resting on the table, his hand supporting his chin. He looks at Willem and sees how exhausted he is, how old, his bright hair gone whitish. He has known Willem for so long, has looked at his face so many times, that he is never able to see him anew: his face is better known to him than his own. He knows its every expression. He knows what Willem’s different smiles mean; when he is watching him being interviewed on television, he can always tell when he is smiling because he’s truly amused and when he is smiling to be polite. He knows which of his teeth are capped, and he knows which ones Kit made him straighten when it was clear that he was going to be a star, when it was clear that he wouldn’t just be in plays and independent films but would have a different kind of career, a different kind of life. But now he looks at Willem, at his face that is still so handsome but also so tired, the kind of tiredness he thought only he was feeling, and realizes that Willem is feeling it as well, that his life—Willem’s life with him—has become a sort of drudgery, a slog of illnesses and hospital visits and fear, and he knows what he will do, what he has to do.

在威廉看到他之前，他先看到他；威廉坐在餐桌旁，頭上亮著燈，他背對(duì)著書(shū)架，望著前方廣闊的空間。他面前放著一杯水，一邊手肘架在桌上，手撐著下巴。他看著威廉，看到他有多疲倦、多蒼老，他明亮的頭發(fā)開(kāi)始泛白了。他認(rèn)識(shí)威廉這么久，看過(guò)他的臉這么多次了，所以始終無(wú)法以新的眼光看他。對(duì)他而言，威廉的臉比他自己的臉還熟悉。他知道那張臉的每個(gè)表情。他知道威廉每種不同的微笑代表什么意思；看到威廉在電視上受訪時(shí)，他總能分辨那微笑是真的愉快，或只是出于禮貌。他知道威廉的哪顆牙齒裝了牙套，哪幾顆是當(dāng)年被基特逼著去矯正的；當(dāng)時(shí)威廉顯然即將成為明星，不會(huì)一直只演舞臺(tái)劇和獨(dú)立影片，而是開(kāi)始另一種生涯、另一種人生。但現(xiàn)在他看著威廉，看著他的臉依然很俊美，但也很疲倦，此時(shí)他才領(lǐng)悟到，他原以為只有自己才感覺(jué)到的那種疲倦，其實(shí)威廉也感覺(jué)到了。同時(shí)他也領(lǐng)悟到，他的人生，以及威廉和他在一起的人生，已經(jīng)變成了一種苦力，艱辛地在病痛、進(jìn)出醫(yī)院和恐懼中跋涉，于是他知道自己將怎么做、必須怎么做了。

　 “Willem,” he says, and watches Willem jerk out of his trance and look at him.

“威廉?！彼f(shuō)，看著威廉迅速回過(guò)神來(lái)，轉(zhuǎn)頭看他。

　 “Jude,” Willem says. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick? Why are you out of bed?”

“裘德，”威廉說(shuō)，“怎么了？你不舒服嗎？你下床來(lái)做什么？”

　 “I’m going to do it,” he says, and he thinks that they are like two actors on a stage, talking to each other across a great distance, and he wheels himself close to him. “I’m going to do it,” he repeats, and Willem nods, and then they lean their foreheads into each other’s, and both of them start crying. “I’m sorry,” he tells Willem, and Willem shakes his head, his forehead rubbing against his.

“我決定動(dòng)手術(shù)了?！彼f(shuō)，來(lái)到威廉旁邊，想到他們就像舞臺(tái)上的兩個(gè)演員?！拔覜Q定動(dòng)手術(shù)了。”他又說(shuō)了一次。威廉點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，接著兩人向彼此湊近，額頭貼在一起，都開(kāi)始哭了。“對(duì)不起?！彼嬖V威廉，而威廉搖搖頭，額頭摩擦著他的。

　 “I’m sorry,” Willem tells him back. “I’m sorry, Jude. I’m so sorry.”

“我很遺憾?！蓖哺f(shuō)，“我很遺憾，裘德。我真的很遺憾。”

　 “I know,” he says, and he does.

“我知道?！彼f(shuō)，他真的知道。

　 The next day he calls Andy, who is relieved but also muted, as if out of respect to him. Things move briskly after that. They pick a date: the first date Andy proposes is Willem’s birthday, and even though he and Willem have agreed that they’ll celebrate Willem’s fiftieth birthday once he’s better, he doesn’t want to have the surgery on the actual day. So instead he’ll have it at the end of August, the week before Labor Day, the week before they usually go to Truro. In the next management committee meeting, he makes a brief announcement, explaining that this is a voluntary operation, that he’ll only be out of the office for a week, ten days at the most, that it isn’t a big deal, that he’ll be fine. Then he announces it to his department; he normally wouldn’t, he tells them, but he doesn’t want their clients to worry, he doesn’t want them to think that it’s something more serious than it is, he doesn’t want to be the subject of rumors and chatter (although he knows he will be). He reveals so little about himself at work that whenever he does, he can see people sit up and lean forward in their seats, can almost see their ears lift a little higher. He has met all of their wives and husbands and girlfriends and boyfriends, but they have never met Willem. He has never invited Willem to one of the company’s retreats, to their annual holiday parties, to their annual summer picnics. “You’d hate them,” he tells Willem, although he knows that isn’t really the case: Willem can have a good time anywhere. “Believe me.” And Willem has always shrugged. “I’d love to come,” he has always said, but he has never let him. He has always told himself that he is protecting Willem from a series of events that he would surely find tedious, but he has never considered that Willem might be hurt by his refusal to include him, might actually want to be a part of his life beyond Greene Street and their friends. He flushes now, realizing this.

次日他打電話給安迪。安迪聽(tīng)了很放心，但也保持沉默，仿佛是出于對(duì)他的尊敬。接下來(lái)事情進(jìn)展得很快。他們挑了日期：一開(kāi)始安迪提議的日期是威廉的生日。雖然他和威廉之前說(shuō)好，一等他好轉(zhuǎn)，就要好好慶祝威廉的50歲生日，但他不希望就在那一天動(dòng)手術(shù)。所以他們改成八月底，就在往常九月初勞動(dòng)節(jié)連休去特魯羅的前一個(gè)星期。在下一次律師事務(wù)所里的管理委員會(huì)議上，他簡(jiǎn)短地宣布了這件事，解釋這是自愿性手術(shù)，他只會(huì)休假一星期，頂多十天，還說(shuō)沒(méi)什么大不了，他不會(huì)有事的。然后他也在自己的部門(mén)宣布了；他告訴同事們，通常這種事他是不會(huì)講的，但他不希望客戶擔(dān)心，不希望他們把事情想得更嚴(yán)重，或是成為謠言和閑聊的目標(biāo)（雖然他知道還是會(huì)）。他在工作上很少透露自己的私人生活，偶爾透露一點(diǎn)，他都看得出大家坐直身子，身體前傾，簡(jiǎn)直可以看到他們的耳朵抬得更高一點(diǎn)。他見(jiàn)過(guò)所有同事的太太或丈夫、女友或男友，但他們從來(lái)沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)威廉。他從來(lái)不邀威廉去公司旅游，或是每年的假日派對(duì)、每年夏天的野餐?！澳銜?huì)很討厭他們的?！彼偸沁@樣告訴威廉，雖然他知道其實(shí)不是這么回事，威廉到哪里都玩得很愉快?！跋嘈盼遥蓖偸锹柭柤?，說(shuō)，“我很愿意去?！钡麖膩?lái)不讓他去。他告訴自己他是在保護(hù)威廉，免得害他要面對(duì)一連串他一定覺(jué)得很無(wú)聊的場(chǎng)合，但他從來(lái)沒(méi)想過(guò)，他拒絕讓威廉參與可能會(huì)傷了他的心，威廉可能會(huì)希望除了格林街和他們的朋友之外，也能加入他生活的其他部分。這會(huì)兒他恍然大悟，于是臉紅了。

　 “Any questions?” he asks, not really expecting any, when he sees one of the younger partners, a callous but scarily effective man named Gabe Freston, raise his hand. “Freston?” he says.

“有任何問(wèn)題嗎？”他問(wèn)，其實(shí)不期待有人發(fā)問(wèn)。結(jié)果一個(gè)比較年輕、冷酷但很有效率的合伙律師加布·弗雷斯頓舉了手?！案ダ姿诡D？”他說(shuō)。

　 “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry, Jude,” says Freston, and around him, everyone murmurs their agreement.

“我只是想說(shuō)，我真的很遺憾，裘德?！备ダ姿诡D說(shuō)，周圍每個(gè)人都喃喃表示贊同。

　 He wants to make the moment light, to say—because it is true—“That’s the first time I’ve heard you be so sincere since I told you what your bonus would be last year, Freston,” but he doesn’t, just takes a deep breath. “Thank you, Gabe,” he says. “Thanks, all of you. Now everyone—back to work,” and they scatter.

他想讓氣氛輕松一點(diǎn)，說(shuō)（反正也是實(shí)話）：“弗雷斯頓，打從我去年跟你說(shuō)你的紅利是多少之后，這是我第一次聽(tīng)到你講話這么誠(chéng)懇?！苯Y(jié)果他沒(méi)說(shuō)，只是深吸一口氣?！爸x了，加布?！彼f(shuō)，“謝了，各位?，F(xiàn)在回去工作吧?！贝蠹揖蜕㈤_(kāi)了。