《渺小一生》:“我的聲音很單薄?！?/h1>

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2020年06月08日

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　 “Of course,” he says. “And you don’t need to worry: you have a beautiful voice, Willem.”

“當(dāng)然可以，”他說(shuō)，“你不必?fù)?dān)心，你的嗓子很棒，威廉?！?

　 “It’s thin.”

“我的聲音很單薄?！?

　 “It’s sweet.”

“很甜美?！?

　 Willem laughs, and squeezes his hand. “Tell Kit that,” he says. “He’s already freaking out.” He sighs. “How was your day?” he asks.

威廉大笑，捏緊他的手?！澳闳ジ卣f(shuō)，”他說(shuō)，“他已經(jīng)抓狂了?！彼麌@氣，“你今天過(guò)得怎么樣？”他問(wèn)。

　 “Fine,” he says.

“還好。”他說(shuō)。

　 They begin to kiss, which he still has to do with his eyes open, to remind himself that it is Willem he is kissing, not Brother Luke, and he is doing well until he remembers the first night he had come back to the apartment with Caleb, and Caleb’s pressing him against the wall, and everything that followed, and he pulls himself abruptly away from Willem, turning his face from him. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry.” He has not taken off his clothes tonight, and now he pulls his sleeves down over his hands. Beside him, Willem waits, and into the silence, he hears himself saying, “Someone I know died yesterday.”

他們開(kāi)始接吻。他還是得睜著眼睛，提醒自己吻的是威廉，不是盧克修士。他本來(lái)表現(xiàn)得很好，直到他想起跟凱萊布回到公寓的第一夜，凱萊布把他壓在墻上，以及隨之而來(lái)的一切，他忽然推開(kāi)威廉，別過(guò)頭去?！皩?duì)不起，”他說(shuō)，“對(duì)不起?！彼裉焱砩蠜](méi)脫衣服，現(xiàn)在他還把袖子拉下來(lái)蓋住手。威廉在他旁邊默默等著，然后他聽(tīng)到自己說(shuō)：“我認(rèn)識(shí)的一個(gè)人昨天死了?！?

　 “Oh, Jude,” says Willem. “I’m so sorry. Who was it?”

“啊，裘德，”威廉說(shuō)，“真是遺憾。是誰(shuí)呢？”

　 He is silent for a long time, trying to speak the words. “Someone I was in a relationship with,” he says at last, and his tongue feels clumsy in his mouth. He can feel Willem’s focus intensify, can feel him move an inch or two closer to him.

他沉默了好久，試著說(shuō)出話來(lái)。“我交往過(guò)的一個(gè)人。”最后他終于說(shuō)，覺(jué)得舌頭變得很笨拙。他可以感覺(jué)到威廉專(zhuān)心起來(lái)，感覺(jué)到他湊近了一兩英寸。

　 “I didn’t know you were in a relationship,” says Willem, quietly. He clears his throat. “When?”

“我都不知道你有跟誰(shuí)交往過(guò)，”威廉低聲說(shuō)，然后清了清嗓子，“什么時(shí)候？”

　 “When you were shooting The Odyssey,” he says, just as quietly, and again, he feels the air change. Something happened while I was away, he remembers Willem saying. Something’s wrong. He knows Willem is remembering the same conversation.

“你在拍《奧德賽》的時(shí)候。”他說(shuō)，同樣小聲，又一度，他感覺(jué)氣氛變了。我不在的時(shí)候出了一些事，他還記得威廉這么說(shuō)過(guò)，是很糟糕的事。他知道威廉也記得這段對(duì)話。

　 “Well,” says Willem, after a long pause. “Tell me. Who was the lucky person?”

“好吧，”威廉沉默了好一會(huì)兒說(shuō)，“告訴我吧。是誰(shuí)這么幸運(yùn)？”

　 He can barely breathe now, but he keeps going. “It was a man,” he begins, and although he’s not looking at Willem—he’s concentrating on the chandelier—he can feel him nod, encouragingly, willing him to continue. But he can’t; Willem will have to prompt him, and he does.

這會(huì)兒他幾乎無(wú)法呼吸，但還是說(shuō)下去。“是一個(gè)男人?！彼_(kāi)口。盡管沒(méi)看威廉，專(zhuān)心盯著枝狀吊燈，他仍可以感覺(jué)到威廉鼓勵(lì)地點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，希望他繼續(xù)說(shuō)。但他沒(méi)辦法；威廉必須催促他，也真的催了。

　 “Tell me about him,” Willem says. “How long did you go out for?”

“告訴我他的事吧，”威廉說(shuō)，“你們交往了多久？”

　 “Four months,” he says.

“四個(gè)月?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “And why did it end?”

“那為什么結(jié)束？”

　 He thinks of how to answer this. “He didn’t like me very much,” he says at last.

他想著該如何回答?！八皇呛芟矚g我?！彼K于說(shuō)。

　 He can feel Willem’s anger before he hears it. “So he was a moron,” Willem says, his voice tight.

威廉還沒(méi)開(kāi)口，他就感覺(jué)到他的怒氣?！澳撬褪潜康??！蓖f(shuō)，聲音緊繃。

　 “No,” he says. “He was a very smart guy.” He opens his mouth to say something else—what, he doesn’t know—but he can’t continue, and he shuts it, and the two of them lie there in silence.

“不，”他說(shuō)，“他非常聰明?！彼麖堥_(kāi)嘴巴還想說(shuō)別的（要說(shuō)什么，他也不知道），但就是說(shuō)不下去。于是他閉上嘴巴，兩個(gè)人沉默地躺在那里。

　 Finally, Willem prompts him again. “Then what happened?” he asks.

最后，威廉又催促他?！昂髞?lái)發(fā)生了什么事？”他問(wèn)。

　 He waits, and Willem waits with him. He can hear them breathing in tandem, and it is as if they are bringing all the air from the room, from the apartment, from the world, into their lungs and then releasing it, just the two of them, all by themselves. He counts their breaths: five, ten, fifteen. At twenty, he says, “If I tell you, Willem, do you promise you won’t get mad?” and he feels Willem shift again.

他等著，威廉也陪他等。他可以聽(tīng)到兩人的呼吸此起彼落，就好像他們把這個(gè)房間、這戶(hù)公寓、這個(gè)世界的所有空氣都吸進(jìn)肺里又吐出來(lái)，只有他們兩個(gè)，沒(méi)有其他人。他數(shù)著兩人的呼吸：五次，十次，十五次。到了二十次，他說(shuō)：“威廉，如果我告訴你，你能保證不生氣嗎？”他感覺(jué)威廉又挪動(dòng)了一下。