《渺小一生》:他很努力地不要在夜里哭，但

　 He knew how to cook. He could only make a dozen or so dishes from start to finish, but he knew how to clean and peel potatoes, carrots, rutabaga. He could chop hills of onions and never cry. He could debone a fish and knew how to pluck and clean a chicken. He knew how to make dough, he knew how to make bread. He knew how to whip egg whites until they transformed from liquid to solid to something better than solid: something like air given form.

他會(huì)做菜。雖然只會(huì)十幾道菜，但他知道如何清洗馬鈴薯、胡蘿卜、蕪菁甘藍(lán)并削皮，也能切出一堆洋蔥而不掉淚。他會(huì)去魚(yú)骨頭，也懂得拔雞毛并清理。他會(huì)做生面團(tuán)、烤面包，還會(huì)把蛋白從液體打成固體、再打成某種比固體更好的形態(tài)，就像有形的空氣一樣。

　 And he knew how to garden. He knew which plants craved sun and which shied from it. He knew how to determine whether a plant was parched or drowning in too much water. He knew when a tree or bush needed to be repotted, and when it was hardy enough to be transferred into the earth. He knew which plants needed to be protected from cold, and how to protect them. He knew how to make a clipping and how to make the clipping grow. He knew how to mix fertilizer, how to add eggshells into the soil for extra protein, how to crush an aphid without destroying the leaf it was perched on. He could do all of these things, although he was hoping he would get to garden, because he wanted to work outside, and on his morning runs, he could feel that summer was coming, and on their drives to the track, he had seen fields in bloom with wildflowers, and he wanted to be among them.

而且他會(huì)園藝。他知道哪種植物喜歡陽(yáng)光，哪一種又不喜歡。他可以判定一棵植物是太干還是澆了太多水。他知道一棵喬木或灌木什么時(shí)候需要換盆，什么時(shí)候又強(qiáng)壯到可以移植到土地上。他知道哪種植物要防寒、如何防寒。他知道如何剪枝、插枝。他知道如何混合肥料，在土里加上蛋殼好增加蛋白質(zhì)，如何掐死一只蚜蟲(chóng)而不傷到底下的葉子。他可以做這一切，雖然他比較希望是和園藝相關(guān)的，因?yàn)樗朐趹?hù)外工作，而且早晨跑步時(shí)，他可以感覺(jué)到夏天快來(lái)了，開(kāi)車(chē)去田徑場(chǎng)時(shí)，他看到了田野間開(kāi)著野花，真想置身其中。

　 Brother Luke knelt by him. “You’re going to do what you did with Father Gabriel and a couple of the brothers,” he said, and then, slowly, he understood what Luke was saying, and he stepped back toward the bed, everything within him seizing with fear. “Jude, it’s going to be different now,” Luke said, before he could say anything. “It’ll be over so fast, I promise you. And you’re so good at it. And I’ll be waiting in the bathroom to make sure nothing goes wrong, all right?” He stroked his hair. “Come here,” he said, and held him. “You are a wonderful kid,” he said. “It’s because of you and what you’re doing that we’re going to have our cabin, all right?” Brother Luke had talked and talked, and finally, he had nodded.

盧克修士跪在他旁邊?！澳阋瞿愀w柏瑞神父和其他兩個(gè)修士做過(guò)的那些事?！毙奘空f(shuō)。然后緩緩地，他明白盧克的意思了。他往后退向床邊，忽然滿(mǎn)心恐懼。“裘德，現(xiàn)在會(huì)不一樣的?！北R克沒(méi)等他回答就說(shuō)，“會(huì)結(jié)束得很快，我保證。而且你很擅長(zhǎng)的。我會(huì)在浴室等著，確保不會(huì)出錯(cuò)，好嗎？”他摸著他的頭發(fā)?！斑^(guò)來(lái)這里，”他說(shuō)，然后抱著他，“你是個(gè)很棒的孩子，”他說(shuō)，“因?yàn)槟愫湍闼龅囊磺?，我們就能擁有我們的小木屋了，好嗎？”盧克修士說(shuō)了又說(shuō)，他終于點(diǎn)頭。

　 The man had come in (many years later, his would be one of the very few of their faces he would remember, and sometimes, he would see men on the street and they would look familiar, and he would think: How do I know him? Is he someone I was in court with? Was he the opposing counsel on that case last year? And then he would remember: he looks like the first of them, the first of the clients) and Luke had gone to the bathroom, which was just behind his bed, and he and the man had had sex and then the man had left.

那個(gè)男人走進(jìn)來(lái)（多年后，這會(huì)是那些人里頭極少數(shù)他記得的臉之一，有時(shí)他在路上看到某個(gè)男人，覺(jué)得眼熟，便想：我怎么會(huì)認(rèn)識(shí)他？是我在法庭見(jiàn)過(guò)的人嗎？是去年那個(gè)案子的對(duì)手律師嗎？然后他會(huì)想起來(lái)：他看起來(lái)就像第一個(gè)顧客），盧克則去緊臨他床鋪后方的浴室里。接下來(lái)他和那男人性交，之后那男人便離開(kāi)了。

　 That night he was very quiet, and Luke was gentle and tender with him. He had even brought him a cookie—a gingersnap—and he had tried to smile at Luke, and tried to eat it, but he couldn’t, and when Luke wasn’t looking, he wrapped it in a piece of paper and threw it away. The next day he hadn’t wanted to go to the track in the morning, but Luke had said he’d feel better with some exercise, and so they had gone and he had tried to run, but it was too painful and he had eventually sat down and waited until Luke said they could leave.

那天夜里他很安靜，盧克對(duì)他和善又溫柔，甚至拿了一塊餅干給他，是一塊脆姜餅干。他設(shè)法對(duì)盧克微笑，設(shè)法吃下去，但他沒(méi)有辦法。于是他趁盧克沒(méi)注意時(shí)，用一張紙把餅干包起來(lái)丟掉。次日早上他不想去田徑場(chǎng)跑步，但盧克說(shuō)他運(yùn)動(dòng)一下會(huì)覺(jué)得比較好過(guò)，于是他去了，試著跑步，但實(shí)在太痛了，最后他就坐下來(lái)，直到盧克說(shuō)他們可以離開(kāi)了。

　 Now their routine was different: they still had classes in the mornings and afternoons, but now, some evenings, Brother Luke brought back men, his clients. Sometimes there was just one; sometimes there were several. The men brought their own towels and their own sheets, which they fitted over the bed before they began and unpeeled and took with them when they left.

現(xiàn)在他們的每日固定作息不一樣了：上午和下午還是會(huì)上課，但現(xiàn)在某些夜晚，盧克修士會(huì)帶男人回來(lái)，那是他的顧客。那些男人會(huì)帶著自己的毛巾和床單，開(kāi)始之前先鋪在床上，離開(kāi)時(shí)再帶走。

　 He tried very hard not to cry at night, but when he did, Brother Luke would come sit with him and rub his back and comfort him. “How many more until we can get the cabin?” he asked, but Luke just shook his head, sadly. “I won’t know for a while,” he said. “But you’re doing such a good job, Jude. You’re so good at it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” But he knew there was something shameful about it. No one had ever told him there was, but he knew anyway. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

他很努力地不要在夜里哭，但有時(shí)忍不住，盧克修士會(huì)坐在他旁邊，撫著他的背安慰他?！斑€要多少，我們才能蓋小木屋？”他問(wèn)，但盧克只是哀傷地?fù)u頭。“暫時(shí)還不知道。”他說(shuō)，“但你做得很好，裘德。你很擅長(zhǎng)這個(gè)。沒(méi)什么好羞愧的?！钡肋@事情就是有什么可恥的地方。沒(méi)有人跟他說(shuō)過(guò)，但他就是知道。他知道自己做的是錯(cuò)的。

　 And then, after a few months—and many motels; they moved every ten days or so, all around east Texas, and with every move, Luke took him to the forest, which really was beautiful, and to the clearing where they’d have their cabin—things changed again. He was lying in his bed one night (a night during a week in which there had been no clients. “A little vacation,” Luke had said, smiling. “Everyone needs a break, especially someone who works as hard as you do”) when Luke asked, “Jude, do you love me?”

然后，過(guò)了幾個(gè)月（中間他們換了很多汽車(chē)旅館；每十天左右就會(huì)搬一次，全都在東德州。每次搬家，盧克就會(huì)帶他去森林里，那里真的很美，然后到他們要蓋小木屋的那片林間空地），事情又改變了。有天夜里他躺在床上（他每周有一天晚上不必接客?！岸葌€(gè)小假期吧。每個(gè)人都需要休息一下，尤其是像你這么努力工作的人?！北R克微笑著說(shuō)），盧克忽然說(shuō)，“裘德，你愛(ài)我嗎？”

　 He hesitated. Four months ago, he would’ve said yes immediately, proudly and unthinkingly. But now—did he love Brother Luke? He often wondered about this. He wanted to. The brother had never hurt him, or hit him, or said anything mean to him. He took care of him. He was always waiting just behind the wall to make sure nothing bad happened to him. The week before, a client had tried to make him do something Brother Luke said he never had to do if he didn’t want to, and he had been struggling and trying to cry out, but there had been a pillow over his face and he knew his noises were muffled. He was frantic, almost sobbing, when suddenly the pillow had been lifted from his face, and the man’s weight from his body, and Brother Luke was telling the man to get out of the room, in a tone he had never before heard from the brother but which had frightened and impressed him.

他猶豫了。四個(gè)月前，他會(huì)驕傲又不假思索地立刻說(shuō)是的。但現(xiàn)在，他愛(ài)盧克修士嗎？他常常想這個(gè)問(wèn)題。他想要愛(ài)他。修士從不傷害他，也不打他，更不會(huì)對(duì)他說(shuō)刻薄話(huà)。他照顧他。他總是在墻后守著，好確定他沒(méi)事。上個(gè)星期，一個(gè)顧客想逼他做一些事情，但盧克修士說(shuō)那些事他如果不愿意就永遠(yuǎn)不必做，于是他掙扎著想叫，但他臉上蒙著枕頭，知道自己的聲音被悶住了。他慌了，差點(diǎn)哭出來(lái)。忽然間臉上的枕頭被拿開(kāi)，那男人壓在他身上的重量不見(jiàn)了，他看到盧克修士叫那男人滾出房間，用一種他從沒(méi)聽(tīng)過(guò)修士用的口氣，讓他害怕又佩服。

　 And yet something else told him that he shouldn’t love Brother Luke, that the brother had done something to him that was wrong. But he hadn’t. He had volunteered for this, after all; it was for the cabin in the woods, where he would have his own sleeping loft, that he was doing this. And so he told the brother he did.

但有別的事情讓他覺(jué)得自己不該愛(ài)盧克修士，讓他覺(jué)得修士對(duì)他做了非常糟糕的事情。但畢竟這是他自愿的，他會(huì)這么做是為了森林里的小木屋，為了他自己的閣樓臥室。于是他告訴修士他愛(ài)他。

　 He was momentarily happy when he saw the smile on the brother’s face, as if he had presented him with the cabin itself. “Oh, Jude,” he said, “that is the greatest gift I could ever get. Do you know how much I love you? I love you more than I love my own self. I think of you like my own son,” and he had smiled back, then, because sometimes, he had privately thought of Luke as his father, and he as Luke’s son. “Your dad said you’re nine, but you look older,” one of the clients had said to him, suspiciously, before they had begun, and he had answered what Luke had told him to say—“I’m tall for my age”—both pleased and oddly not-pleased that the client had thought Luke was his father.

他看到修士臉上的笑容時(shí)，一時(shí)間也很開(kāi)心，好像看到了小木屋似的?！鞍。玫?，”修士說(shuō)，“這是我這輩子所得到最棒的禮物了。你知道我有多愛(ài)你嗎？我愛(ài)你超過(guò)愛(ài)我自己。我把你當(dāng)成是親生兒子。”然后他也微笑了，因?yàn)橛袝r(shí)候，他會(huì)偷偷把盧克想成他父親，而他是盧克的兒子?！澳惆终f(shuō)你9歲了，但是你看起來(lái)不止?！币粋€(gè)顧客開(kāi)始之前曾疑心地跟他說(shuō)，于是他照盧克教他的說(shuō)：“我的個(gè)子比較高?！彼芨吲d那個(gè)顧客以為盧克是他父親，但同時(shí)又覺(jué)得不高興。

　 Then Brother Luke had explained to him that when two people loved each other as much as they did, that they slept in the same bed, and were naked with each other. He hadn’t known what to say to this, but before he could think of what it might be, Brother Luke was moving into bed with him and taking off his clothes and then kissing him. He had never kissed before—Brother Luke didn’t let the clients do it with him—and he didn’t like it, didn’t like the wetness and the force of it. “Relax,” the brother told him. “Just relax, Jude,” and he tried to as much as he could.

然后盧克修士跟他解釋?zhuān)?dāng)兩個(gè)人像他們這么相愛(ài)時(shí)，就會(huì)睡在同一張床上，而且會(huì)赤裸相對(duì)。他聽(tīng)了不知該說(shuō)什么，但他還來(lái)不及思考那是什么狀況，盧克修士就移到他床上，脫掉他的衣服吻他。他從來(lái)沒(méi)接吻過(guò)（盧克修士不準(zhǔn)顧客吻他），而且他也不喜歡，不喜歡那種潮濕和力量?！胺潘桑毙奘扛嬖V他，“放松就好，裘德?！彼Φ乇M量放松。

　 The first time the brother had sex with him, he told him it would be different than with the clients. “Because we’re in love,” he’d said, and he had believed him, and when it had felt the same after all—as painful, as difficult, as uncomfortable, as shameful—he assumed he was doing something wrong, especially because the brother was so happy afterward. “Wasn’t that nice?” the brother asked him, “didn’t it feel different?,” and he had agreed, too embarrassed to admit that it had been no different at all, that it had been just as awful as it had been with the client the day before.

修士第一次要他性交時(shí)，跟他說(shuō)這跟他和顧客做不一樣?！耙?yàn)槲覀兿鄲?ài)?！彼f(shuō)。起初他相信了，等到最后他卻發(fā)現(xiàn)感覺(jué)是一樣的——同樣疼痛，同樣難熬，同樣不舒服，同樣可恥——他猜想自己的感受不對(duì)，尤其因?yàn)樾奘渴潞竽敲撮_(kāi)心。“那不是很美好嗎？”修士問(wèn)他，“感覺(jué)不是很不一樣嗎？”于是他附和了。要他承認(rèn)根本沒(méi)什么不同，就跟前一天和顧客做一樣糟糕，實(shí)在太難為情了。

　 Brother Luke usually didn’t have sex with him if he’d seen clients earlier in the evening, but they always slept in the same bed, and they always kissed. Now one bed was used for the clients, and the other was theirs. He grew to hate the taste of Luke’s mouth, its old-coffee tang, his tongue something slippery and skinned trying to burrow inside of him. Late at night, as the brother lay next to him asleep, pressing him against the wall with his weight, he would sometimes cry, silently, praying to be taken away, anywhere, anywhere else. He no longer thought of the cabin: he now dreamed of the monastery, and thought of how stupid he’d been to leave. It had been better there after all. When they were out in the mornings and would pass people, Brother Luke would tell him to lower his eyes, because his eyes were distinctive and if the brothers were looking for them, they would give them away. But sometimes he wanted to raise his eyes, as if they could by their very color and shape telegraph a message across miles and states to the brothers: Here I am. Help me. Please take me back. Nothing was his any longer: not his eyes, not his mouth, not even his name, which Brother Luke only called him in private. Around everyone else, he was Joey. “And this is Joey,” Brother Luke would say, and he would rise from the bed and wait, his head bent, as the client inspected him.

如果他當(dāng)晚接了客，盧克修士通常就不會(huì)要他性交，但他們總是睡在同一張床上，總是會(huì)接吻?，F(xiàn)在他們的一張床用來(lái)接客，而另一張床是屬于他們的。他逐漸痛恨起盧克嘴里的味道，那種不新鮮的咖啡臭，他舌頭又滑又濕，猛地往他嘴里鉆。到了深夜，修士在他旁邊睡著，擠得他整個(gè)人緊挨在墻上。他有時(shí)會(huì)哭，但沒(méi)哭出聲，暗自祈禱被帶走，帶到其他地方，哪里都好。他再也不會(huì)想到小木屋了；現(xiàn)在他夢(mèng)想著修道院，想著當(dāng)初自己離開(kāi)是多么愚蠢。那里畢竟好一點(diǎn)。他們?cè)绯砍鲩T(mén)時(shí)會(huì)經(jīng)過(guò)其他人，盧克修士總是叫他垂下眼睛，因?yàn)樗难劬μ貏e了，要是那些修士們?cè)谡宜麄?，他的眼睛就?huì)泄底。但有時(shí)他想抬起眼睛，好像光憑他眼睛的顏色和形狀，就可以發(fā)出訊息，跨越幾千里、幾個(gè)州傳給修士們：我在這里。救我。拜托帶我回去。再也沒(méi)有什么是屬于他的了：他的眼睛、他的嘴巴，甚至他的名字，盧克修士只有私下才喊他，在別人面前，他是喬伊。“這位是喬伊。”盧克修士會(huì)這么說(shuō)，而他會(huì)從床上站起身等待，垂著頭，讓顧客打量他。

　 He cherished his lessons, because they were the one time Brother Luke didn’t touch him, and in those hours, the brother was who he remembered, the person he had trusted and followed. But then the lessons would end for the day, and every evening would conclude the same as the evening before.

他珍惜上課的時(shí)間，因?yàn)樯险n的時(shí)候盧克修士不會(huì)碰他，而且在那些時(shí)間里，盧克修士一如他所記得的那樣，是他信任而遵從的人。但之后一天的課上完了，每天晚上又會(huì)跟前一晚一樣。

　 He grew more and more silent. “Where’s my smiley boy?” the brother would ask him, and he would try to smile back at him. “It’s okay to enjoy it,” the brother would say, sometimes, and he would nod, and the brother would smile at him and rub his back. “You like it, don’t you?” he would ask, and wink, and he would nod at him, mutely. “I can tell,” Luke would say, still smiling, proud of him. “You were made for this, Jude.” Some of the clients would say that to him as well—You were born for this—and as much as he hated it, he also knew that they were right. He was born for this. He had been born, and left, and found, and used as he had been intended to be used.

他變得越來(lái)越沉默。“我愛(ài)笑的小男孩哪里去了呢？”盧克會(huì)微笑地問(wèn)他。他會(huì)試著報(bào)以微笑?！跋硎苓@個(gè)沒(méi)關(guān)系的?！毙奘坑袝r(shí)會(huì)說(shuō)，而他會(huì)點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。修士就朝他微笑，撫摸他的背?！澳阆矚g做這個(gè)吧？”他會(huì)問(wèn)，然后擠一下眼睛。他點(diǎn)頭，不講話(huà)。“我看得出來(lái)，”盧克會(huì)說(shuō)，還是微笑，很以他為榮，“你是天生好手，裘德。”有的顧客也會(huì)跟他說(shuō)，你生來(lái)就是要做這個(gè)的。盡管他很討厭聽(tīng)到這句話(huà)，但他知道他們說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)。他生來(lái)就是要做這個(gè)的。他出生了，被遺棄，被發(fā)現(xiàn)，然后就被拿來(lái)做他生來(lái)該做的事情。

　 In later years, he would try to remember when exactly it was that he must have realized that the cabin was never going to be built, that the life he had dreamed of would never be his. When he had begun, he had kept track of the number of clients he had seen, thinking that when he reached a certain number—forty? fifty?—he would surely be done, he would surely be allowed to stop. But then the number grew larger and larger, until one day he had looked at it and realized how large it was and had started crying, so scared and sick of what he had done that he had stopped counting. So was it when he reached that number? Or was it when they left Texas altogether, Luke promising him that the forests were better in Washington State anyway, and they drove west, through New Mexico and Arizona, and then north, stopping for weeks in little towns, staying in little motels that were the twins of that very first motel they had ever stayed in, and that no matter where they stopped, there were always men, and on the nights there weren’t men, there was Brother Luke, who seemed to crave him the way he himself had never craved anything? Was it when he realized that he hated his weeks off even more than the normal weeks, because the return to his regular life was so much more terrible than if he had never had a vacation at all? Was it when he began noticing the inconsistencies in Brother Luke’s stories: how sometimes it wasn’t his son but a nephew, who hadn’t died but had in fact moved away, and Brother Luke never saw him again; or how sometimes, he stopped teaching because he had felt the calling to join the monastery, and sometimes it was because he was weary from having to constantly negotiate with the school’s principal, who clearly didn’t care for children the way the brother did; or how in some stories, he had grown up in east Texas, but in others, he had spent his childhood in Carmel, or Laramie, or Eugene?

很多年后，他會(huì)試著回想自己到底什么時(shí)候才真正明白，永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)蓋那個(gè)小木屋，他夢(mèng)想的生活永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)是他的。剛開(kāi)始，他會(huì)記錄他接了多少客，想著等達(dá)到某個(gè)數(shù)字（四十？五十？）時(shí)就一定夠了，一定可以停止。但接著那數(shù)字越來(lái)越大，大到有一天他看著那數(shù)字，明白有多么大，開(kāi)始哭了起來(lái)，對(duì)自己做的事既害怕又作嘔，從此再也不算了。所以是他達(dá)到那個(gè)數(shù)字的時(shí)候嗎？或是他們一起離開(kāi)德州的時(shí)候？（當(dāng)時(shí)盧克跟他保證華盛頓州的森林更棒，于是他們開(kāi)車(chē)往西，經(jīng)過(guò)新墨西哥州和亞利桑那州，然后往北，中途在一些小鎮(zhèn)停留幾星期，住在小汽車(chē)旅館里，跟他們住過(guò)的第一家旅館一模一樣。無(wú)論他們?cè)谀睦锿Ａ?，總是有男人；夜里沒(méi)有男人時(shí)，就有盧克修士，修士對(duì)他的那種渴望，是他自己對(duì)任何事物都不曾有過(guò)的。）或是當(dāng)他明白自己痛恨每周的休息日更甚于正常工作日，因?yàn)榛氐秸Ｉ畋葲](méi)有假日更可怕？是他開(kāi)始注意到盧克修士故事中的不一致的時(shí)候嗎？有時(shí)修士以前深?lèi)?ài)的不是兒子，而是外甥，也沒(méi)有死掉，而是搬走了，從此盧克修士沒(méi)再見(jiàn)過(guò)他；有時(shí)他說(shuō)他教書(shū)教到一半放棄，是因?yàn)樗杏X(jué)到上帝召喚他加入修道院，但有時(shí)又因?yàn)樗麉捑肟偸堑酶ｉL(zhǎng)談判，因?yàn)樾ｉL(zhǎng)顯然不像修士那么關(guān)心學(xué)生；在某些故事里，他在東德州長(zhǎng)大，在其他故事里，他的童年又是在加州卡梅爾，或是懷俄明州拉勒米，或是奧瑞岡州尤金市度過(guò)的。

　 Or was it the day that they were passing through Utah to Idaho, on their way to Washington? They rarely ventured into actual towns—their America was denuded of trees, of flowers, theirs was just long stretches of roadway, the only green thing Brother Luke’s lone surviving cattleya, which continued to live and leaf, though not bud—but this time they had, because Brother Luke had a doctor friend in one of the towns, and he wanted him to be examined because it was clear he had picked up some sort of disease from one of the clients, despite the precautions Brother Luke made them take. He didn’t know the name of the town, but he was startled at the signs of normalcy, of life around him, and he stared out of his window in silence, looking at these scenes that he had always imagined but rarely saw: women standing on the street with strollers, talking and laughing with one another; a jogger panting by; families with dogs; a world made of not just men but also of children and women. Normally on these drives he would close his eyes—he slept all the time now, waiting for each day to end—but this day, he felt unusually alert, as if the world was trying to tell him something, and all he had to do was listen to its message.

或者是在他們要去華盛頓州途中，經(jīng)過(guò)猶他州、進(jìn)入愛(ài)達(dá)荷州那天？他們很少冒險(xiǎn)進(jìn)入真正的市區(qū)（他們的美國(guó)沒(méi)有樹(shù)、沒(méi)有花，只有漫長(zhǎng)延伸的公路，唯一的綠色就是盧克修士當(dāng)初帶出來(lái)唯一存活的那株洋蘭，一直活著，還長(zhǎng)著葉子，但是不開(kāi)花），但這回他們破例了，因?yàn)楸R克修士在某個(gè)鎮(zhèn)上有個(gè)醫(yī)生朋友，要帶他去檢查。他顯然被某個(gè)顧客傳染了某種疾病，盡管盧克修士要求他們采取預(yù)防措施。他不知道那個(gè)鎮(zhèn)的名字，但種種正常的跡象和周遭的生活讓他很驚訝。他沉默地注視車(chē)窗外，看著那些他總在想象但很少親眼看到的景象：女人們推著折疊式嬰兒車(chē)站在街上，彼此談笑；一個(gè)慢跑者喘著氣跑過(guò)去；牽著狗的家庭；這個(gè)世界不光是由男人組成，還有兒童和女人。通常在這些車(chē)程中，他會(huì)閉上眼睛——現(xiàn)在他隨時(shí)都在睡覺(jué)，等著每天告終——但這一天，他卻異常地警覺(jué)，好像這個(gè)世界正設(shè)法告訴他什么，而他唯一要做的就是傾聽(tīng)這個(gè)訊息。

　 Brother Luke was trying to read the map and drive at the same time, and finally he pulled over, studying the map and muttering. Luke had stopped across the street from a baseball field, and he watched as, if at once, it began to fill with people: women, mostly, and then, running and shouting, boys. The boys wore uniforms, white with red stripes, but despite that, they all looked different—different hair, different eyes, different skin. Some were skinny, like he was, and some were fat. He had never seen so many boys his own age at one time, and he looked and looked at them. And then he noticed that although they were different, they were actually the same: they were all smiling, and laughing, excited to be outside, in the dry, hot air, the sun bright above them, their mothers unloading cans of soda and bottles of water and juice from plastic carrying containers.

盧克修士一邊開(kāi)車(chē)，一邊試著搞清楚地圖，最后把車(chē)停在路邊，審視地圖，念念有詞。此處街道對(duì)面就是一個(gè)棒球場(chǎng)，他觀察著，仿佛突然間，球場(chǎng)里頭開(kāi)始充滿(mǎn)人群：大部分是女人，還有奔跑大叫的男孩。那些男孩身穿白底紅條紋的制服，除此之外，他們看起來(lái)都不一樣——不同的頭發(fā)、不同的眼睛、不同的皮膚。有些很瘦，跟他一樣，有些則胖胖的。他從來(lái)沒(méi)有一口氣看到這么多跟自己同齡的男孩，于是朝著他們看了又看。然后他注意到，盡管不一樣，他們其實(shí)也有共通點(diǎn)：他們都在笑，很興奮能在戶(hù)外活動(dòng)，在這干熱的空氣中，頭上有晴朗的太陽(yáng)，他們的母親從塑料置物盒里拿出一罐罐汽水、一瓶瓶水和果汁。

　 “Aha! We’re back on track!” he heard Luke saying, and heard him fold up the map. But before he started the engine again, he felt Luke follow his gaze, and for a moment the two of them sat staring at the boys in silence, until at last Luke stroked his hair. “I love you, Jude,” he said, and after a moment, he replied as he always did—“I love you, too, Brother Luke”—and they drove away.

“啊哈！找到地方了！”他聽(tīng)到盧克說(shuō)，然后聽(tīng)到他折起地圖。但發(fā)動(dòng)引擎前，他感覺(jué)盧克順著他的目光看過(guò)去，一時(shí)之間兩個(gè)人只是默默望著那些男孩，直到最后盧克撫摸他的頭發(fā)?！拔覑?ài)你，裘德?！彼f(shuō)。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，他如?；卮穑骸拔乙矏?ài)你，盧克修士?！敝笏麄兙烷_(kāi)車(chē)離開(kāi)了。