《渺小一生》:他閉上眼睛又睜開

　 “What do you mean, ‘stripped’?” I asked him.

“什么意思，‘有脫皮’？”我問他。

　 He looked impatient. “Flayed,” he said. “He was whipped, probably with a belt, but he wouldn’t tell me. I bandaged them, but I’m giving you this antibiotic ointment and you’re going to need to keep the wounds cleaned and change the dressings starting tomorrow. He’s not going to want to let you, but it’s too fucking bad. I wrote down all the instructions in here.”

他一臉不耐，“破皮。”他說，“他被鞭打了，大概是用皮帶抽的，不過他不肯告訴我。我?guī)退耍視?huì)給你一種抗生素藥膏，你得保持傷口干凈，明天開始每天換藥。他不會(huì)想讓你換，不過他媽的沒辦法。所有的注意事項(xiàng)我都寫在這里了。”

　 He handed me a plastic bag; I looked inside: bottles of pills, rolls of bandages, tubes of cream. “These,” said Andy, plucking something out, “are painkillers, and he hates them. But he’s going to need them; make him take a pill every twelve hours: once in the morning, once at night. They’re going to make him woozy, so don’t let him outside on his own, don’t let him lift anything. They’re also going to make him nauseated, but you have to make him eat: something simple, like rice and broth. Try to make him stay in his chair; he’s not going to want to move around much anyway.

他交給我一個(gè)塑料袋，我看著里頭：幾瓶藥丸、幾卷繃帶、幾管藥膏。“這些，”安迪說，拉出里面的一樣?xùn)|西，“這是止痛藥，他很討厭止痛藥，但是他會(huì)需要的。每十二小時(shí)讓他吃一顆：早上一次，晚上一次。這種藥會(huì)讓他有點(diǎn)糊涂，所以別讓他自己一個(gè)人出門，別讓他拿重物。這種藥也會(huì)讓他想吐，但一定要逼他吃東西：一些簡單的食物，比方燉飯或高湯。盡量讓他坐輪椅，反正他這個(gè)樣子也別想到處跑了。

　 “I called his dentist and made an appointment for Monday at nine; he’s lost a couple of teeth. The most important thing is that he sleeps as much as he can; I’ll stop by tomorrow afternoon and every night this week. Do not let him go to work, although—I don’t think he’ll want to.”

“我打過電話給他的牙醫(yī)，幫他約了星期一早上9點(diǎn)；他掉了兩顆牙。最重要的是盡量讓他多睡覺。我明天下午會(huì)過去看他，這星期每天晚上都會(huì)過去。別讓他去上班，不過我不認(rèn)為他會(huì)想去?！?

　 He stopped as abruptly as he’d started, and we stood there in silence. “I can’t fucking believe this,” Andy said, finally. “That fucking asshole. I want to find that fuck and kill him.”

他忽然停下來，就跟之前開始時(shí)一樣突然。我們沉默不語地站在那里?！拔宜麐尩恼娌桓蚁嘈拧！卑驳献詈蠼K于說了，“那個(gè)他媽的混蛋。我真想找到那個(gè)渾球殺了他?！?

　 “I know,” I said. “Me too.”

“我知道?！蔽艺f，“我也是?！?

　 He shook his head. “He wouldn’t let me report it,” he said. “I begged him.”

安迪搖搖頭，“他不肯讓我報(bào)警，”他說，“我求過他了?！?

　 “I know,” I said. “Me too.”

“我知道。”我說，“我也是。”

　 It was a shock anew to see him, and he shook his head when I tried to help him into the chair, and so we stood and watched as he lowered himself into the seat, still in his same clothes, the blood now dried into rusty continents. “Thank you, Andy,” he said, very quietly. “I’m sorry,” and Andy placed his palm on the back of his head and said nothing.

進(jìn)入檢查室看到他，又是一次新的震驚。我想幫他坐上輪椅，但是他搖搖頭，于是我們沉默地看著他坐上去，仍穿著同樣的衣服，血已經(jīng)干成生銹的大片污漬?！爸x謝你，安迪?！彼f，非常小聲，“對不起?！卑驳弦皇址旁谒暮竽X上，什么也沒說。

　 By the time we got back to Greene Street, it was dark. His wheelchair was, as you know, one of those very lightweight, elegant ones, one so aggressive about its user’s self-sufficiency that there were no handles on it, because it was assumed that the person in it would never allow himself the indignity of being pushed by another. You had to grab the top of the backrest, which was very low, and guide the chair that way. I stopped in the entryway to turn on the lights, and we both blinked.

等我們回到格林街，天已經(jīng)全黑了。他的輪椅，你也知道，是那種非常輕、非常精致的輪椅，設(shè)計(jì)上是要讓輪椅主人能獨(dú)立自主，根本沒有把手，因?yàn)樵O(shè)計(jì)者假設(shè)輪椅主人自尊很強(qiáng)，永遠(yuǎn)不可能讓別人推他。于是我只能抓著輪椅靠背的頂端，位置非常低，就這樣推著輪椅前進(jìn)。我進(jìn)入公寓后，停下來打開燈，我們兩個(gè)都眨了眨眼。

　 “You cleaned,” he said.

“你打掃過了?！彼f。

　 “Well, yes,” I said. “Not as good a job as you would’ve done, I’m afraid.”

“唔，是啊?！蔽艺f，“恐怕沒辦法像你自己打掃的那么徹底?！?

　 “Thank you,” he said.

“謝謝你?！彼f。

　 “Of course,” I said. We were quiet. “Why don’t I help you get changed and then you can have something to eat?”

“沒什么?！蔽艺f，我們又沉默了一下，“我來幫你換衣服，然后你吃點(diǎn)東西吧？”

　 He shook his head. “No, thank you. But I’m not hungry. And I can do it myself.” Now he was subdued, controlled: the person I had seen earlier was gone, caged once more in his labyrinth in some little-opened cellar. He was always polite, but when he was trying to protect himself or assert his competency, he became more so: polite and slightly remote, as if he was an explorer among a dangerous tribe, and was being careful not to find himself too involved in their goings-on.

他搖頭：“不，謝了。我不餓。而且我可以自己來?！爆F(xiàn)在他變得抑郁、自制。我之前熟悉的那個(gè)人消失了，他再度把自己關(guān)在心底那個(gè)只有小小開口的地下迷宮里。他向來很有禮貌，但當(dāng)他試著要保護(hù)自己，或是要強(qiáng)調(diào)自己有能力時(shí)，他就會(huì)變得更加有禮貌：客氣而疏遠(yuǎn)，好像他是個(gè)進(jìn)入危險(xiǎn)部落的探險(xiǎn)家，留意著不要太介入部落里的異?；顒?dòng)。

　 I sighed, inwardly, and took him to his room; I told him I’d be here if he needed me, and he nodded. I sat on the floor outside the closed door and waited: I could hear the faucets turning on and off, and then his steps, and then a long period of silence, and then the sigh of the bed as he sat on it.

我在心底嘆氣，然后推他到房間里，我告訴他如果需要的話，我就在外面，他聽了點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。我關(guān)上門，坐在門外的地板上等。我聽得見水龍頭打開又關(guān)上，然后是他的腳步聲，接著是一長段沉默，然后是他坐上床發(fā)出的輕響。

　 When I went in, he was under the covers, and I sat down next to him, on the edge of the bed. “Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?” I asked.

我進(jìn)去時(shí)，他已經(jīng)躺著蓋好被子了。我坐在他旁邊的床沿?！澳愦_定不想吃點(diǎn)東西？”我問。

　 “Yes,” he said, and after a pause, he looked at me. He could open his eyes now, and against the white of the sheets, he was the loamy, fecund colors of camouflage: the jungle-green of his eyes, and the streaky gold-and-brown of his hair, and his face, less blue than it had been this morning and now a dark shimmery bronze. “Harold, I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I yelled at you last night, and I’m sorry I cause so many problems for you. I’m sorry that—”

“確定?！彼f，然后頓了一下看著我。他現(xiàn)在可以睜開眼睛了，在白色床單的對照下，他成了一片肥沃、豐饒的迷彩：他的眼睛是叢林綠，頭發(fā)是金色和褐色的條紋，而他的臉，已經(jīng)不像早上那么藍(lán)，轉(zhuǎn)為一片微微發(fā)亮的銅褐色?！肮_德，我真的很抱歉。”他說，“很抱歉我昨天晚上吼你，很抱歉我給你惹了這么多麻煩，很抱歉……”

　 “Jude,” I interrupted him, “you don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry. I wish I could make this better for you.”

“裘德，”我打斷他，“你不必抱歉。我才應(yīng)該說對不起。我真希望我可以讓你好過一點(diǎn)?！?

　 He closed his eyes, and opened them, and looked away from me. “I’m so ashamed,” he said, softly.

他閉上眼睛又睜開，然后別開目光?！拔矣X得好羞愧。”他輕聲說。