《渺小一生》:但他知道，凱萊布不再是人類

　 Caleb doesn’t say anything for a minute, just finishes drinking his bottle of water. “You can still walk, though, right?”

有一分鐘，凱萊布什么都沒說，只是喝掉他手上那瓶水?！安贿^你還是可以走路，對吧？”

　 He forces himself to look back at Caleb. “Well—technically, yes. But—”

他逼自己看著凱萊布：“唔，嚴格來說，沒錯。但是……”

　 “Jude,” says Caleb, “I know your doctor probably disagrees, but I have to say I think there’s something a little—weak, I guess, about your always going to the easiest solution. I think you have to just endure some things, you know? This is what I meant with my parents: it was always such a succumbing to their every pain, their every twinge.

“裘德，”凱萊布說，“我知道你的醫(yī)生大概不同意，但我必須說，我覺得你總是挑最簡單的解決方式，實在有點軟弱吧。我認為你就是必須忍受一些事，你知道嗎？我對我父母的想法就是這樣：他們總是輕易地屈服于每一種疼痛、每一次的不舒服。

　 “So I think you should tough it out. I think if you can walk, you should. I just don’t think you should get into this habit of babying yourself when you’re capable of doing better.”

“所以我想，你應(yīng)該要堅強起來。我想如果你可以走路，那就該走。我只是認為，當你有能力做得更好的時候，就不該養(yǎng)成這種寵愛自己的習(xí)慣?！?

　 “Oh,” he says. “Right. I understand.” He feels a profound shame, as if he has just asked for something filthy and illicit.

“啊，”他說，“好，我明白?！彼鋈挥X得很羞愧，好像自己剛剛提了什么骯臟而不正當?shù)囊蟆?

　 “I’m going to shower,” says Caleb, after a silence, and leaves.

“我要去沖澡了?！眲P萊布沉默了一會兒說，隨即走開。

　 For the rest of the day, he tries to move very little, and Caleb, as if not wanting to find reason to get angry with him, doesn’t ask him to do anything. Caleb makes lunch, which they both eat on the sofa, both working on their computers. The kitchen and living room are one large sunlit space, with full-length windows that open onto the lawn overlooking the beach, and when Caleb is in the kitchen making dinner, he takes advantage of his turned back to inch, wormlike, to the hallway bathroom. He wants to go to the bedroom to get more aspirin out of his bag, but it’s too far, and he instead waits in the doorway on his knees until Caleb turns toward the stove again before crawling back to the sofa, where he has spent the entire day.

剩下的那一整個白天，他都盡量少移動，而凱萊布仿佛不想找到對他發(fā)脾氣的理由，也沒要求他做任何事。凱萊布做了午餐，兩個人在沙發(fā)上吃完后，便各自對著電腦工作。廚房和相連的客廳是一整個陽光明亮的空間，一整面落地窗面向草坪，往外俯瞰著沙灘。等到凱萊布去廚房做晚餐時，他趁著他背對客廳的機會，像蠕蟲般慢慢移動到門廳的洗手間。他想去臥室的袋子里拿阿司匹林，但那里太遠了，于是他跪在門口，等到凱萊布再度面向灶臺時，才爬回自己待了一整天的沙發(fā)。

　 “Dinner,” Caleb announces, and he takes a breath and brings himself to his feet, which are cinder blocks, they are so heavy and clunky, and, watching them, begins to make his way to the table. It feels like it takes minutes, hours, to walk to his chair, and at one point he looks up and sees Caleb, his jaw moving, watching him with what looks like hate.

“晚餐好了?！眲P萊布宣布。他吸了口氣站起來，兩腳感覺像煤渣磚，沉重又笨拙，然后他盯著腳，開始走向餐桌。感覺好像走了好幾個小時，才走到餐椅旁。中間他一度抬頭看著凱萊布，他的下頜移動，看著他的眼神似乎帶著恨意。

　 “Hurry up,” Caleb says.

“快點。”凱萊布說。

　 They eat in silence. He can barely stand it. The scrape of the knife against the plate: unbearable. The crunch of Caleb biting down, unnecessarily hard, on a green bean: unbearable. The feel of food in his mouth, all of it becoming a fleshy nameless beast: unbearable.

他們沉默地吃著。他簡直受不了。刀子摩擦著餐盤：受不了。凱萊布咀嚼四季豆的嘎吱聲大得沒必要：受不了。他嘴里的食物全化為一頭肉乎乎的野獸：受不了。

　 “Caleb,” he begins, very quietly, but Caleb doesn’t answer him, just pushes back his chair and stands and goes to the sink.

“凱萊布?！彼_口了，很小聲，但凱萊布沒回應(yīng)，只是把椅子往后一推，站起來走向水槽。

　 “Bring me your plate,” Caleb says, and then watches him. He stands, slowly, and begins his trek to the sink, eyeing each footfall before he begins a new step.

“把盤子拿來給我?！眲P萊布說，然后看著他。他慢吞吞站起來，開始艱難地走向水槽，看著每次腳落地，才敢走下一步。

　 He will wonder, later, if he forced the moment, if he could have in fact made the twenty steps without falling had he just concentrated harder. But that isn’t what happens. He moves his right foot just half a second before his left one has landed, and he falls, and the plate falls before him, the china shattering on the floor. And then, moving as swiftly as if he’d anticipated it, there is Caleb, yanking him up by his hair and punching him in the face with his fist, so hard that he is airborne, and when he lands, he does so against the table, knocking the base of his skull against its edge. His fall makes the bottle of wine jump off the surface, the liquid glugging onto the floor, and Caleb makes a roar, and snatches at the bottle by its throat and hits him on the back of his neck with it.

后來他很好奇，如果他在那一刻更努力一點、更專心一點，是否能設(shè)法走完那二十步而不摔倒。反正那樣的狀況沒有發(fā)生。他左腳還沒落地，右腳就提早半秒抬起來，他摔倒了，手上那疊瓷盤落在前方，砸在地板上嘩啦響。然后，凱萊布沖過來，快得好像他早就料到了，他來到他面前，抓起他的頭發(fā)，用拳頭打他的臉，力道大得讓他往后飛起來，落地時撞上茶幾，后腦勺撞在桌沿上。茶幾上的葡萄酒也被撞倒了，沒喝完的酒咕嚕咕嚕流到地上，凱萊布大吼一聲，抓住酒瓶的頸部，朝他的后頸敲下去。

　 “Caleb,” he gasps, “please, please.” He was never one to beg for mercy, not even as a child, but he has become that person, somehow. When he was a child, his life meant little to him; he wishes, now, that that were still true. “Please,” he says. “Caleb, please forgive me—I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“凱萊布，”他猛吸一口氣，“拜托，拜托?！彼麖膩聿皇悄欠N求饒的人，就連小時候都不會，但不知怎的，他已經(jīng)變成這樣的人了。在他小時候，這條命對他來說沒什么意義；但現(xiàn)在，他真希望還是那樣?！鞍萃?，”他說，“凱萊布，拜托原諒我。對不起，對不起?！?

　 But Caleb, he knows, is no longer human. He is a wolf, he is a coyote. He is muscle and rage. And he is nothing to Caleb, he is prey, he is disposable. He is being dragged to the edge of the sofa, he knows what will happen next. But he continues to ask, anyway. “Please, Caleb,” he says. “Please don’t. Caleb, please.”

但他知道，凱萊布不再是人類了，他變成了一頭狼或是郊狼，他就是肌肉，是憤怒。他對凱萊布無足輕重，只是頭獵物，可以被丟棄。他被拖到沙發(fā)邊緣，他知道接下來會發(fā)生什么，但無論如何還是繼續(xù)哀求著。“拜托，凱萊布，”他說，“拜托不要。凱萊布，拜托。”

　 When he regains consciousness, he is on the floor near the back of the sofa, and the house is silent. “Hello?” he calls, hating the quaver in his voice, but he doesn’t hear anything. He doesn’t need to—he knows, somehow, that he is alone.

再度恢復(fù)知覺時，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己躺在沙發(fā)后方的地板上，屋子里很安靜。“哈嘍？”他喊道，好恨自己聲音里的顫抖，沒聽到任何動靜。其實他用不著聽，就知道屋里只有他一個人。

　 He sits up. He pulls up his underwear and pants and flexes his fingers, his hands, brings his knees to his chest and back down again, moves his shoulders back and forward, turns his neck from left to right. There is something sticky on the back of his neck, but when he examines it, he’s relieved to see it’s not blood but wine. Everything hurts, but nothing is broken.

他坐起身。把內(nèi)褲和長褲拉起來，活動一下手指和雙手，膝蓋縮到胸口又放下，肩膀前后動一動，脖子左右轉(zhuǎn)一轉(zhuǎn)。他頸背有點黏黏的，但他伸手檢查后松了一口氣，發(fā)現(xiàn)那不是血，而是葡萄酒。他全身都在痛，但沒有傷口。

　 He crawls to the bedroom. He quickly cleans himself off in the bathroom and gathers his things and puts them in his bag. He scuttles to the door. For an instant he is afraid that his car will have disappeared, and he will be stranded, but it is there, next to Caleb’s, waiting for him. He checks his watch: it is midnight.

他爬到浴室，迅速清理好自己，收拾好東西放進包里，爬到前門。一時之間，他很怕自己的車不見了，那他就會被困在這里。但是還好，車子還在，就停在凱萊布的車旁邊，等著他。他看了手表一眼：半夜12點了。

　 He moves his way across the lawn on his hands and knees, his bag slung painfully over one shoulder, the two hundred feet between the door and the car transforming themselves into miles. He wants to stop, he is so tired, but he knows he must not.

他用雙臂和膝蓋爬過草坪，包包痛苦地從一邊肩膀懸吊而下，前門到汽車的那兩百碼簡直像是有幾英里長。他好想停下來，他好累，但他知道自己不能停。

　 In the car, he doesn’t look at his reflection in the mirror; he starts the engine and drives away. But about half an hour later, once he knows he is far enough from the house to be safe, he begins to shake, so badly that the car swerves beneath him, and he pulls off the road to wait, leaning his forehead against the steering wheel.

上車后，他沒敢看鏡子里的自己，就發(fā)動引擎開走了。開了大約半小時，一旦他知道自己離那房子夠遠、夠安全了，他才開始發(fā)抖，抖到車子都開不穩(wěn)。于是他停到路邊等待，前額靠在方向盤上。