《渺小一生》:成年后，他有時(shí)會(huì)走火入魔

　 “Well,” said Luke, and he could feel the brother kneeling, very close to him. “Don’t cry; don’t cry.” But his voice was so gentle, and he cried harder.

“哦，”盧克說(shuō)，他感覺(jué)到修士跪下來(lái)，離他很近，“別哭，別哭?！钡奘康穆曇艉軠厝?，于是他哭得更兇了。

　 Then Brother Luke stood, and when he spoke next, his voice was jollier. “Jude, listen,” he said. “I have something to show you. Come with me,” and he started walking toward the greenhouse, turning around to make sure he was following. “Jude,” he called again, “come with me,” and he, curious despite himself, began to follow him, walking toward the greenhouse he knew so well with the beginnings of an unfamiliar eagerness, as if he had never seen it before.

盧克修士站了起來(lái)，再度開(kāi)口時(shí)，他的聲音比較愉快了?！棒玫拢?tīng)我說(shuō)?！彼f(shuō)，“我有個(gè)東西要給你看。跟我來(lái)吧?！毙奘块_(kāi)始走向玻璃溫室，還回頭確認(rèn)他是不是跟了上來(lái)?！棒玫?，”修士又喊，“跟我來(lái)吧?！彼唤闷嫫饋?lái)，跟了上去，走向他熟悉的玻璃溫室，帶著一種陌生的急切感，好像他從沒(méi)看過(guò)溫室一般。

　 As an adult, he became obsessed in spells with trying to identify the exact moment in which things had started going so wrong, as if he could freeze it, preserve it in agar, hold it up and teach it before a class: This is when it happened. This is where it started. He’d think: Was it when I stole the crackers? Was it when I ruined Luke’s daffodils? Was it when I had my first tantrum? And, more impossibly, was it when I did whatever I did that made her leave me behind that drugstore? And what had that been?

成年后，他有時(shí)會(huì)走火入魔，執(zhí)迷地想找出事情開(kāi)始出大錯(cuò)的確切時(shí)刻，仿佛他可以將那一刻凍結(jié)，保存在瓊脂里，拿起來(lái)在課堂上教導(dǎo)學(xué)生：這就是發(fā)生的時(shí)候。這就是開(kāi)始的時(shí)候，他會(huì)想，是我偷餅干的時(shí)候嗎？是我毀掉盧克那些黃水仙的時(shí)候嗎？是我第一次亂發(fā)脾氣的時(shí)候嗎？或是更不可能的：會(huì)是我做了一些事、讓她把我丟在藥房后頭那個(gè)時(shí)候嗎？那會(huì)是什么事？

　 But really, he would know: it was when he walked into the greenhouse that afternoon. It was when he allowed himself to be escorted in, when he gave up everything to follow Brother Luke. That had been the moment. And after that, it had never been right again.

但其實(shí)他知道：是在他走進(jìn)玻璃溫室的那個(gè)下午。是在他放棄一切，愿意跟著盧克修士之時(shí)。就是那一刻。從此以后，一切都沒(méi)再對(duì)勁過(guò)了。

　 There are five more steps and then he is at their front door, where he can’t fit the key into the lock because his hands are shaking, and he curses, nearly dropping it. And then he is in the apartment, and there are only fifteen steps from the front door to his bed, but he still has to stop halfway and bring himself down slowly to the ground, and pull himself the final feet to his room on his elbows. For a while he lies there, everything shifting around him, until he is strong enough to pull the blanket down over him. He will lie there until the sun leaves the sky and the apartment grows dark, and then, finally, he will hoist himself onto his bed with his arms, where he will fall asleep without eating or washing his face or changing, his teeth clacking against themselves from the pain. He will be alone, because Willem will go out with his girlfriend after the show, and by the time he gets home, it will be very late.

再走五步，他來(lái)到了前門(mén)，可是手抖得太厲害，鑰匙插不進(jìn)鎖孔里。他詛咒著，鑰匙差點(diǎn)掉地。然后他進(jìn)了公寓，從前門(mén)到他的床只剩十五步了，可是走到一半，他不得不停下來(lái)，緩緩坐到地上，用手肘匍匐前進(jìn)，完成最后那點(diǎn)距離。有一會(huì)兒他躺在那里，周?chē)囊磺行D(zhuǎn)著，直到他有力氣把床上的毯子拉下來(lái)蓋住自己。他會(huì)躺在那兒直到太陽(yáng)離開(kāi)天空，公寓內(nèi)變黑，最后他會(huì)用手臂把自己撐起來(lái)，爬到床上。然后他會(huì)睡著，沒(méi)吃飯、沒(méi)洗臉也沒(méi)換衣服，他痛得發(fā)抖，牙齒咬得格格作響。他會(huì)孤單一人，因?yàn)橥莩鼋Y(jié)束后會(huì)跟女朋友出去，要很晚才回家。

　 When he wakes, it will be very early, and he will feel better, but his wound will have wept during the night, and pus will have soaked through the gauze he had applied on Sunday morning before he left for his walk, his disastrous walk, and his pants will be stuck to his skin with its ooze. He will send a message to Andy, and then leave another with his exchange, and then he will shower, carefully removing the bandage, which will bring scraps of rotten flesh and clots of blackened mucus-thick blood with it. He will pant and gasp to keep from shouting. He will remember the conversation he had with Andy the last time this happened, when Andy suggested he get a wheelchair to keep on reserve, and although he hates the thought of using a wheelchair again, he will wish he had one now. He will think that Andy is right, that his walks are a sign of his inexcusable hubris, that his pretending that everything is fine, that he is not in fact disabled, is selfish, for the consequences it means for other people, people who have been inexplicably, unreasonably generous and good to him for years, for almost decades now.

他會(huì)很早醒來(lái)，覺(jué)得好過(guò)一些，但傷口會(huì)在黑夜?jié)B出液體。他星期天上午出門(mén)走路（災(zāi)難性的散步行程）前換上的紗布會(huì)被膿汁浸透，而他的長(zhǎng)褲會(huì)因?yàn)榉置谖镳ぴ谄つw上。他會(huì)傳短信給安迪，得到回復(fù)后會(huì)再傳一則。然后他會(huì)沖澡，小心翼翼地拆掉繃帶，上頭黏著零碎的爛肉和發(fā)黑、黏濕的血塊。他會(huì)喘著猛吸氣，免得叫出聲來(lái)。他會(huì)記得上回這種情況發(fā)生時(shí)他和安迪的對(duì)話(huà)，當(dāng)時(shí)安迪建議他弄個(gè)輪椅以備不時(shí)之需。盡管他很不想再用輪椅，可是他但愿現(xiàn)在有一臺(tái)。他想安迪說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)，他的市區(qū)長(zhǎng)途漫步的確代表著他不可饒恕的傲慢，他想假裝一切沒(méi)問(wèn)題、不肯面對(duì)自己的殘疾，實(shí)在太自私了，因?yàn)楹蠊褪菚?huì)影響到其他人。這些人多年來(lái)一直對(duì)他慷慨又和善，莫名又沒(méi)有道理，到現(xiàn)在都快二十年了。

　 He will turn off the shower and lower himself into the tub and lean his cheek against the tile and wait to feel better. He will be reminded of how trapped he is, trapped in a body he hates, with a past he hates, and how he will never be able to change either. He will want to cry, from frustration and hatred and pain, but he hasn’t cried since what happened with Brother Luke, after which he told himself he would never cry again. He will be reminded that he is a nothing, a scooped-out husk in which the fruit has long since mummified and shrunk, and now rattles uselessly. He will experience that prickle, that shiver of disgust that afflicts him in both his happiest and his most wretched moments, the one that asks him who he thinks he is to inconvenience so many people, to think he has the right to keep going when even his own body tells him he should stop.

他會(huì)關(guān)掉花灑的水，放低身子躺在浴缸里，臉頰貼著瓷磚，等自己感覺(jué)好一點(diǎn)。他會(huì)想起自己受困了，困在這具他痛恨的身體里，懷著他所痛恨的過(guò)去，兩者他都永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法改變。他會(huì)想哭，因?yàn)榇煺邸⒃骱藓吞弁?，但自從發(fā)生了盧克修士的事情以后，他告訴自己再也不可以哭了，從此他真的沒(méi)再哭過(guò)。他會(huì)想起自己無(wú)足輕重，只是一個(gè)空殼，里面的果實(shí)早就干癟，只能發(fā)出空洞無(wú)用的喀啦聲。他會(huì)感受到在他最快樂(lè)和最難受的時(shí)刻都會(huì)出現(xiàn)的那種刺痛、打著冷戰(zhàn)的厭惡，問(wèn)他自以為是誰(shuí)，竟然給這么多人造成麻煩，以為他有權(quán)利繼續(xù)活下去。其實(shí)他自己的身體都跟他說(shuō)該停下來(lái)了。

　 He will sit and wait and breathe and he will be grateful that it is so early, that there is no chance of Willem discovering him and having to save him once again. He will (though he won’t be able to remember how later) somehow work himself into a standing position, get himself out of the tub, take some aspirin, go to work. At work, the words will blur and dance on the page, and by the time Andy calls, it will only be seven a.m., and he will tell Marshall he’s sick, refuse Marshall’s offer of a car, but let him—this is how bad he feels—help him into a cab. He will make the ride uptown that he had stupidly walked just the previous day. And when Andy opens the door, he will try to remain composed.

他會(huì)坐在那里等待，繼續(xù)呼吸，然后他會(huì)慶幸現(xiàn)在時(shí)間還很早，威廉不可能發(fā)現(xiàn)他，也就不必再次救他。他會(huì)設(shè)法拖著身子站起來(lái)（雖然事后他不會(huì)記得是怎么做到的），爬出浴缸，吃幾顆阿司匹林，再去上班。上班時(shí)，他會(huì)覺(jué)得紙上的字模糊地舞動(dòng)。等到安迪來(lái)電時(shí)，應(yīng)該才早上7點(diǎn)，他會(huì)告訴上司馬歇爾他病了，拒絕馬歇爾開(kāi)車(chē)送他，但是如果感覺(jué)太難受了，就讓他協(xié)助他上出租車(chē)。去上城的路上，他會(huì)經(jīng)過(guò)他前一天才愚蠢地走過(guò)的那段路。等到安迪開(kāi)門(mén)時(shí)，他會(huì)設(shè)法保持鎮(zhèn)定。

　 “Judy,” Andy will say, and he will be in his gentle mode, there will be no lectures from him today, and he will allow Andy to lead him past his empty waiting room, his office not yet open for the day, and help him onto the table where he has spent hours, days of hours, will let Andy help undress him even, as he closes his eyes and waits for the small bright hurt of Andy easing the tape off his leg, and pulling away from the raw skin the sodden gauze beneath.

“小裘?！卑驳蠒?huì)這般喊他，并且處于溫柔模式，他今天不會(huì)說(shuō)教。接著他會(huì)讓安迪帶著他穿過(guò)空蕩蕩的等候室，此時(shí)他的診所還沒(méi)開(kāi)門(mén)。然后安迪會(huì)幫他坐上那張他度過(guò)好多個(gè)小時(shí)、好多天的檢查臺(tái)。他甚至?xí)尠驳蠀f(xié)助他脫掉衣服，再閉上眼睛，等著安迪拆開(kāi)他腿上的膠帶，揭開(kāi)濕透的紗布，露出破皮的傷口，等著那令人暈眩的劇痛襲來(lái)。

　 My life, he will think, my life. But he won’t be able to think beyond this, and he will keep repeating the words to himself—part chant, part curse, part reassurance—as he slips into that other world that he visits when he is in such pain, that world he knows is never far from his own but that he can never remember after: My life.

我的人生，他會(huì)想著，我的人生。除此之外沒(méi)法再想別的，他會(huì)一直重復(fù)默念這幾個(gè)字——一部分像念經(jīng)，一部分像詛咒，一部分像寬慰——同時(shí)滑入他經(jīng)歷這類(lèi)劇痛時(shí)會(huì)造訪的另一個(gè)世界。他知道那世界離自己的世界從來(lái)不遠(yuǎn)，但他事后總是想不起來(lái)：我的人生。

　 2

2

　 YOU ASKED ME once when I knew that he was for me, and I told you that I had always known. But that wasn’t true, and I knew it even as I said it—I said it because it sounded pretty, like something someone might say in a book or a movie, and because we were both feeling so wretched, and helpless, and because I thought if I said it, we both might feel better about the situation before us, the situation that we perhaps had been capable of preventing—perhaps not—but at any rate hadn’t. This was in the hospital: the first time, I should say. I know you remember: you had flown in from Colombo that morning, hopscotching across cities and countries and hours, so that you landed a full day before you left.

有一回，你問(wèn)我是什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始認(rèn)定他的，當(dāng)時(shí)我告訴你我一直都知道。但是一說(shuō)出口，我就知道那并非實(shí)情。我會(huì)這么說(shuō)，是因?yàn)檫@話(huà)聽(tīng)起來(lái)很美，像是書(shū)中或電影里的角色會(huì)說(shuō)的話(huà)。當(dāng)時(shí)你我都覺(jué)得很痛苦、很無(wú)助，我覺(jué)得這樣說(shuō)，眼前的狀況可能就不會(huì)讓我們那么難受。那個(gè)狀況，我們一直覺(jué)得有辦法阻止，但還是發(fā)生了。那是在醫(yī)院里，第一次發(fā)生的時(shí)候。我知道你記得：你那天早上從斯里蘭卡的科倫坡搭上飛機(jī)，跳房子似的經(jīng)過(guò)好幾個(gè)城市和國(guó)家，花了好多時(shí)間，降落后停留一整天，然后又離開(kāi)了。

　 But I want to be accurate now. I want to be accurate both because there is no reason not to be, and because I should be—I have always tried to be, I always try to be.

但現(xiàn)在我想講得精確一點(diǎn)。因?yàn)闆](méi)有理由不精確，而且我應(yīng)該力求精確。我一直想要這樣，一直試著這樣。

　 I’m not sure where to begin.

我不確定該從哪里講起。

　 Maybe with some nice words, although they are also true words: I liked you right away. You were twenty-four when we met, which would have made me forty-seven. (Jesus.) I thought you were unusual: later, he’d speak of your goodness, but he never needed to explain it to me, for I already knew you were. It was the first summer the group of you came up to the house, and it was such a strange weekend for me, and for him as well—for me because in you four I saw who and what Jacob might have been, and for him because he had only known me as his teacher, and he was suddenly seeing me in my shorts and wearing my apron as I scooped clams off the grill, and arguing with you three about everything. Once I stopped seeing Jacob’s face in all of yours, though, I was able to enjoy the weekend, in large part because you three seemed to enjoy it so much. You saw nothing strange in the situation: you were boys who assumed that people would like you, not from arrogance but because people always had, and you had no reason to think that, if you were polite and friendly, then that politeness and friendliness might not be reciprocated.

或許講些好聽(tīng)的話(huà)吧，也的確是事實(shí)：第一次見(jiàn)面時(shí)，我立刻就喜歡你了。當(dāng)時(shí)你24歲，我47歲（天?。?，我當(dāng)時(shí)覺(jué)得你很特別。后來(lái)，他談到你的善良，但他從來(lái)不必跟我解釋?zhuān)驗(yàn)槲抑滥愫苌屏?。那個(gè)夏天你們四個(gè)第一次來(lái)我的房子，對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，那是個(gè)非常奇特的周末，對(duì)他也是。對(duì)我，是因?yàn)槲以谀銈兯膫€(gè)身上看到雅各布可能變成什么樣子；對(duì)他，則是因?yàn)樗戎话盐耶?dāng)老師，但那回他突然看到我穿短褲和圍裙，在烤架上烤蛤蜊，還跟你們?nèi)齻€(gè)爭(zhēng)辯各式各樣的話(huà)題。一旦我停止在你們臉上尋找雅各布的影子，我就開(kāi)始享受那個(gè)周末了，很大一部分原因是你們?nèi)齻€(gè)是那么樂(lè)在其中。你們不覺(jué)得整個(gè)狀況有什么奇怪：你們?nèi)齻€(gè)假設(shè)人們會(huì)喜歡你們，不是出于傲慢，而是因?yàn)槿藗兛偸窍矚g你們。而且你們覺(jué)得，如果自己禮貌又友善，就沒(méi)有理由認(rèn)為對(duì)方不會(huì)回報(bào)。

　 He, of course, had every reason to not think that, although I wouldn’t discover that until later. Then, I watched him at mealtimes, noticing how, during particularly raucous debates, he would sit back in his seat, as if physically leaning out of the ring, and observe all of you, how easily you challenged me without fear of provoking me, how thoughtlessly you reached across the table to serve yourselves more potatoes, more zucchini, more steak, how you asked for what you wanted and received it.

但他當(dāng)然有充分的理由不這么想，我是到后來(lái)才發(fā)現(xiàn)的。然后，我在用餐時(shí)觀察他，發(fā)現(xiàn)爭(zhēng)辯特別激烈時(shí)，他會(huì)往后坐，似乎完全退出戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)，然后持續(xù)觀察你們。你們?nèi)齻€(gè)是那么輕松地提出挑戰(zhàn)，完全不怕激怒我，也毫無(wú)顧忌地動(dòng)手去拿桌上的馬鈴薯、節(jié)瓜、牛排，還會(huì)開(kāi)口要求自己想要的，并大方接受。

　 The thing I remember most vividly from that weekend is a small thing. We were walking, you and he and Julia and I, down that little path lined with birches that led to the lookout. (Back then it was a narrow throughway, do you remember that? It was only later that it became dense with trees.) I was with him, and you and Julia were behind us. You were talking about, oh, I don’t know—insects? Wildflowers? You two always found something to discuss, you both loved being outdoors, both loved animals: I loved this about both of you, even though I couldn’t understand it. And then you touched his shoulder and moved in front of him and knelt and retied one of his shoelaces that had come undone, and then fell back in step with Julia. It was so fluid, a little gesture: a step forward, a fold onto bended knee, a retreat back toward her side. It was nothing to you, you didn’t even think about it; you never even paused in your conversation. You were always watching him (but you all were), you took care of him in a dozen small ways, I saw all of this over those few days—but I doubt you would remember this particular incident.

那個(gè)周末，我記得最清楚的是一件小事。那天，你跟他、朱麗婭和我，正走在通往瞭望臺(tái)、兩旁種了樺樹(shù)的小徑上（你還記得嗎？當(dāng)時(shí)那里只有一條窄窄的小路，茂密的樹(shù)林是很久以后的事了）。我跟他并肩而行，你和朱麗婭在后頭。你們不知正在聊什么，昆蟲(chóng)？野花？你們兩個(gè)總是聊得來(lái)，你們都喜歡野外，也喜歡動(dòng)物。我不明白樂(lè)趣何在，但我很喜歡你們兩人這一點(diǎn)。你碰觸他一邊的肩膀，走到他面前，跪下來(lái)幫他把松開(kāi)的鞋帶重新綁好，然后回到后頭跟朱麗婭邊走邊聊。整個(gè)過(guò)程很流暢，只是一個(gè)小動(dòng)作：往前一步，彎下膝蓋，又往后退到她旁邊。對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)這沒(méi)什么，連想都沒(méi)想，甚至沒(méi)有中斷談話(huà)。你總是留心著他（不過(guò)你們?nèi)齻€(gè)都是），以十幾種小小的方式照看著他，在那短短的幾天，我都看到了，但我懷疑你不會(huì)記得這起小事件。

　 But while you were doing it, he looked at me, and the look on his face—I still cannot describe it, other than in that moment, I felt something crumble inside me, like a tower of damp sand built too high: for him, and for you, and for me as well. And in his face, I knew my own would be echoed. The impossibility of finding someone to do such a thing for another person, so unthinkingly, so gracefully! When I looked at him, I understood, for the first time since Jacob died, what people meant when they said someone was heartbreaking, that something could break your heart. I had always thought it mawkish, but in that moment I realized that it might have been mawkish, but it was also true.

當(dāng)你這么做的時(shí)候，他看著我，他臉上的表情——我至今無(wú)法形容，只知道在那一刻，我感覺(jué)心中有個(gè)什么崩塌了，就像一座蓋得太高的沙塔：為了他，為了你，也為我自己。在他臉上，我看到了呼應(yīng)我的表情。真不敢相信有人會(huì)去幫另一個(gè)人做這樣的事情，這么不假思索，這么有風(fēng)度！我看著他，打從雅各布死后，我第一次明白，所謂有個(gè)人或有個(gè)東西會(huì)讓你心碎是什么意思。我以前一直以為這種說(shuō)法太強(qiáng)說(shuō)愁了，但在那一刻，我明白那可能是強(qiáng)說(shuō)愁，但也是真實(shí)的。

　 And that, I suppose, was when I knew.

而我想，我就是從那一刻開(kāi)始認(rèn)定他的。

　 I had never thought I would become a parent, and not because I’d had bad parents myself. Actually, I had wonderful parents: my mother died when I was very young, of breast cancer, and for the next five years it was just me and my father. He was a doctor, a general practitioner who liked to hope he might grow old with his patients.

我從沒(méi)想過(guò)自己會(huì)為人父母，不是因?yàn)槲矣胁顒诺母改浮Ｊ聦?shí)上，我的父母很棒：我母親在我很小的時(shí)候就死于乳癌，接下來(lái)五年只有我和父親。他是自己開(kāi)業(yè)的家庭醫(yī)生，總是希望自己可以跟病人一起變老。