《渺小一生》:“我覺(jué)得你反應(yīng)過(guò)度了?！?/h1>

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2020年03月20日

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　 “Nothing like that,” Jane had said, smiling (she was a doctor as well: a gynecologist). “But he adores you, Jude; I’m so glad you came.” He had met Andy’s parents as well, and at the end of the evening, Andy had slung an arm around his neck and given him a hard, awkward kiss on the cheek, which he now did every time they saw each other. Andy always looked uncomfortable doing it, but also seemed compelled to keep doing it, which he found both funny and touching.

“不是壞事?！焙?jiǎn)微笑著說(shuō)（她也是醫(yī)生，是婦科），“可是他好喜歡你，裘德，我好高興你來(lái)了。”他也見(jiàn)到了安迪的父母。在那晚婚禮的尾聲，安迪一手?jǐn)堉牟弊?，笨拙又響亮地在他臉上親了一下，現(xiàn)在每次碰到他都還會(huì)這樣。安迪親他時(shí)，表情都很不自在，好像是不得不保持這個(gè)固定的儀式，讓他覺(jué)得好笑又感動(dòng)。

　 He appreciated Andy in many ways, but he appreciated most his unflappability. After they had met, after Andy had made it difficult not to continue seeing him by showing up at Hood, banging on their door after he had missed two follow-up appointments (he hadn’t forgotten; he had just decided not to go) and ignored three phone calls and four e-mails, he had resigned himself to the fact that it might not be bad to have a doctor—it seemed, after all, inevitable—and that Andy might be someone he could trust. The third time they met, Andy took his history, or what he would provide of it, and wrote down the facts he would tell him without comment or reaction.

他欣賞安迪的很多方面，但最欣賞的就是他臨危不亂的冷靜態(tài)度。他們認(rèn)識(shí)之后，安迪使他很難不持續(xù)去看診，因?yàn)樵谒麅纱位卦\沒(méi)出現(xiàn)（他沒(méi)忘記，只是決定不去而已），又不理會(huì)安迪打來(lái)的三次電話(huà)、寄來(lái)的四封電子郵件之后，安迪就會(huì)去虎德館用力地敲他們的房門(mén)。從此他只好認(rèn)命，想著有個(gè)醫(yī)生或許不是壞事（畢竟，他還是得看醫(yī)生），而且安迪可能值得信任。他們第三次見(jiàn)面時(shí)，安迪開(kāi)始記錄他的病歷，或是他愿意講的一切，只是記下來(lái)，從不評(píng)論也毫無(wú)回應(yīng)。

　 And indeed, it was only years later—a little less than four years ago—that Andy had directly mentioned his childhood. This had been during his and Andy’s first big fight. They’d had skirmishes, of course, and disagreements, and once or twice a year Andy would deliver a long lecture to him (he saw Andy every six weeks—though more frequently these days—and could always anticipate which appointment would be the Lecture Appointment by the terseness with which Andy would greet him and conduct his examination) that covered what Andy considered his perplexing and infuriating unwillingness to take proper care of himself, his maddening refusal to see a therapist, and his bizarre reluctance to take pain medication that would probably improve his quality of life.

一直要到幾年以后（將近四年前），安迪才首次直接提到他的童年，這發(fā)生在他和安迪第一次大吵期間。他們之前當(dāng)然有些小爭(zhēng)執(zhí)或意見(jiàn)不合，而且每年總有一兩次，安迪會(huì)發(fā)表一篇長(zhǎng)篇訓(xùn)話(huà)（他每六個(gè)星期去安迪那里一次，不過(guò)最近頻率更高了，而且總是能從安迪迎接他和檢查時(shí)簡(jiǎn)短、生硬的態(tài)度，預(yù)測(cè)到這回是訓(xùn)話(huà)約診），內(nèi)容涵蓋他不愿意好好照顧自己，莫名其妙且令人憤慨；他拒絕去做心理咨詢(xún)，令人心煩；還有他不肯吃止痛藥，改善自己的生活質(zhì)量，實(shí)在怪異。

　 The fight had concerned what Andy had retroactively come to consider a botched suicide attempt. This had been right before New Year’s, and he had been cutting himself, and he had cut too close to a vein, and it had resulted in a great, sloppy, bloody mess into which he had been forced to involve Willem. In the examining room that night, Andy had refused to speak to him, he was so angry, and had actually muttered to himself as he made his stitches, each as neat and tiny as if he were embroidering them.

那場(chǎng)大吵源于安迪的事后回想，認(rèn)為他上一次來(lái)看診是自殺未遂。事情發(fā)生在新年之前，當(dāng)時(shí)他在割自己，不小心割得太靠近一條靜脈，結(jié)果流了好多血，弄得一塌糊涂，他不得不找威廉幫忙。那天晚上在檢查室里，安迪氣得不肯跟他講話(huà)，一邊幫他縫傷口一邊念念有詞，那些縫線(xiàn)整齊又利落，簡(jiǎn)直像刺繡。

　 Even before Andy had opened his mouth at his next appointment, he had known that he was furious. He had actually considered not coming in for his checkup at all, except he knew if he didn’t, Andy would simply keep calling him—or worse, calling Willem, or worse yet, Harold—until he showed up.

下一次回診，安迪還沒(méi)開(kāi)口，他就知道他氣壞了。他其實(shí)考慮過(guò)不要回去檢查了，只不過(guò)他知道如果真的不去，安迪會(huì)一直打電話(huà)給他，甚至更糟，打給威廉，最后還可能打給哈羅德。一直打到他出現(xiàn)為止。

　 “I should fucking have had you hospitalized,” were Andy’s first words to him, followed by, “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

“我他媽的早該送你去住院?！卑驳吓^就跟他說(shuō)，然后又說(shuō)，“我他媽的真是個(gè)白癡?！?

　 “I think you’re overreacting,” he’d begun, but Andy ignored him.

“我覺(jué)得你反應(yīng)過(guò)度了?！彼_(kāi)口，但安迪沒(méi)理他。

　 “I happen to believe you weren’t trying to kill yourself, or I’d’ve had you committed so fast your head would’ve spun,” he said. “It’s only because statistically, anyone who cuts themselves as much as you do, and for as many years as you have, is in less immediate danger of suicide than someone who’s less consistently self-injurious.” (Andy was fond of statistics. He sometimes suspected he made them up.) “But Jude, this is crazy, and that was way too close. Either you start seeing a shrink immediately or I’m going to commit you.”

“當(dāng)時(shí)我碰巧相信你不是要自殺，不然我會(huì)火速把你送去住院，快到讓你腦袋都暈了?！卑驳险f(shuō)，“只是因?yàn)閺慕y(tǒng)計(jì)學(xué)上說(shuō)，像你這樣割自己割了那么多次、又割了那么多年的人，和一個(gè)較少自殘的人比起來(lái)，通常更沒(méi)有迫切要自殺的需求。（安迪很喜歡統(tǒng)計(jì)數(shù)字。他有時(shí)懷疑這些數(shù)字是他自己編出來(lái)的。）可是裘德，這太瘋狂了，也太驚險(xiǎn)了。你得馬上去看心理咨詢(xún)師，否則我就要強(qiáng)制把你送去住院?！?

　 “You can’t do that,” he’d said, furious himself now, although he knew Andy could: he had looked up the laws of involuntary commitment in New York State, and they were not in his favor.

“你不能這樣做?！彼f(shuō)，也火大起來(lái)。他知道安迪可以，因?yàn)樗檫^(guò)紐約州的非自愿住院相關(guān)法律，對(duì)自己很不利。

　 “You know I can,” Andy had said. He was almost shouting at this point. Their appointments were always after office hours, because they sometimes chatted afterward if Andy had time and was in a good mood.

“你明知道我可以的?！卑驳险f(shuō)，此時(shí)他幾乎在吼。他們的約診總是在正常看診的時(shí)間之后，有時(shí)看完后，如果安迪有時(shí)間又心情不錯(cuò)，兩個(gè)人還會(huì)聊一下。

　 “I’ll sue you,” he’d said, absurdly, and Andy had yelled back at him, “Go right ahead! Do you know how fucked up this is, Jude? Do you have any idea what kind of position you’re putting me in?”

“我會(huì)告死你?！彼闹嚨卣f(shuō)，安迪也吼回去：“去告啊！你知道這個(gè)狀況有多糟糕嗎，裘德？你知道我的立場(chǎng)有多為難嗎？”

　 “Don’t worry,” he’d said, sarcastically, “I don’t have any family. No one’s going to sue you for wrongful death.”

“別擔(dān)心?！彼S刺地說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)有任何家人，不會(huì)有人為了過(guò)失致死告你的。”

　 Andy had stepped back, then, as if he had tried to hit him. “How dare you,” he’d said, slowly. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

安迪后退，好像想揍他。“你居然敢講這種話(huà)?！彼従彽卣f(shuō)，“你明知道我不是那個(gè)意思。”

　 And of course he did. But “Whatever,” he said. “I’m leaving.” And he slid off the table (fortunately, he hadn’t changed out of his clothes; Andy had started lecturing him before he’d had a chance) and tried to leave the room, although leaving the room at his pace was hardly dramatic, and Andy scooted over to stand in the doorway.

他當(dāng)然知道?！半S便你。”他說(shuō)，“我要離開(kāi)了?！比缓笏略\療臺(tái)（幸好，他還沒(méi)換上診療的病人袍，因?yàn)樗麤](méi)來(lái)得及換，安迪就開(kāi)始訓(xùn)他了），想離開(kāi)診間。盡管以他的步伐，離開(kāi)房間不會(huì)太戲劇化，但安迪匆忙沖到門(mén)口擋住了去路。

　 “Jude,” he said, in one of his sudden mood changes, “I know you don’t want to go. But this is getting scary.” He took a breath. “Have you ever even talked to anyone about what happened when you were a kid?”

“裘德，”他說(shuō)，心情突然改變，“我知道你不想離開(kāi)。這個(gè)狀況變得太可怕了?！彼丝跉?，“你跟別人談過(guò)你小時(shí)候發(fā)生的事情嗎？”

　 “That doesn’t have anything to do with anything,” he’d said, feeling cold. Andy had never alluded to what he’d told him, and he found himself feeling betrayed that he should do so now.

“那跟任何事情都沒(méi)有關(guān)系。”他說(shuō)，覺(jué)得好冷。安迪從沒(méi)提過(guò)他告訴他的那些，現(xiàn)在居然提了，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己有種被背叛的感覺(jué)。

　 “Like hell it doesn’t,” Andy had said, and the self-conscious theatricality of the phrase—did anyone really say that outside of the movies?—made him smile despite himself, and Andy, mistaking his smile for mockery, changed directions again. “There’s something incredibly arrogant about your stubbornness, Jude,” he continued. “Your utter refusal to listen to anyone about anything that concerns your health or well-being is either a pathological case of self-destructiveness or it’s a huge fuck-you to the rest of us.”

“沒(méi)關(guān)系才有鬼呢?！卑驳险f(shuō)，那種夸張得令人難為情的用詞（除了在電影里，真有人這樣說(shuō)話(huà)嗎？）讓他忍不住微微笑了。安迪誤以為他在嘲笑他，再度改變了心情。“裘德，你這么頑固，實(shí)在傲慢得不可理喻?！彼^續(xù)說(shuō)，“你完全拒絕聽(tīng)任何人關(guān)于你身心健康的建議，這不是自我毀滅的病理學(xué)案例，就是對(duì)我們其他人很大的羞辱。”

　 He was hurt by this. “And there’s something incredibly manipulative about you threatening to commit me whenever I disagree with you, and especially in this case, when I’ve told you it was a stupid accident,” he hurled back at Andy. “Andy, I appreciate you, I really do. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But I’m an adult and you can’t dictate what I do or don’t do.”

他被這些話(huà)傷到了。“每回我不同意你，你就威脅要把我送去住院，那才是不可理喻的控制狂。尤其這回，我明明跟你說(shuō)過(guò)，那只是愚蠢的意外而已?！彼驳洗舐曊f(shuō)，“安迪，我感激你，真的。我不知道沒(méi)有你的話(huà)我會(huì)怎么樣。但我是成年人了，你不能支配我做什么或不做什么?！?

　 “You know what, Jude?” Andy had asked (now he was yelling again). “You’re right. I can’t dictate your decisions. But I don’t have to accept them, either. Go find some other asshole to be your doctor. I’m not going to do it any longer.”

“你知道嗎，裘德？”安迪問(wèn)（現(xiàn)在他又在吼了），“你說(shuō)的沒(méi)錯(cuò)，我不能控制你怎么決定，但我也不必接受。你去找其他混蛋當(dāng)你的醫(yī)生吧。我沒(méi)辦法替你效勞了。”

　 “Fine,” he’d snapped, and left.

“很好。”他兇巴巴地說(shuō)，然后離開(kāi)了。