Perhaps, in this, as with everything else, because I didn’t know how to speak in code, I didn’t know how to speak at all. I felt like a deaf and dumb person who can’t even use sign language. I stammered all manner of things so as not to speak my mind. That was the extent of my code. So long as I had breath to put words in my mouth, I could more or less carry it off. Otherwise, the silence between us would probably give me away—which was why anything, even the most spluttered nonsense, was preferable to silence. Silence would expose me. But what was certain to expose me even more was my struggle to overcome it in front of others.
The despair aimed at myself must have given my features something bordering on impatience and unspoken rage. That he might have mistaken these as aimed at him never crossed my mind.
 
我當(dāng)下的反應(yīng)，就像面對其他事情一般，不知道如何含蓄暗示，只能沉默以對。我像個還沒學(xué)會手語的聾啞人，結(jié)結(jié)巴巴東拉西扯，以免吐露心聲。這就是我使用暗語的程度。只要我還能撐得住隱藏不說，我多少就能若無其事地應(yīng)付過去。否則，我們之間的沉默或許會使我暴露無遺。再怎么語無倫次也比沉默來得好。沉默或許會讓我露出馬腳，但我在別人面前拼命壓抑的模樣，鐵定泄露更多。
我不由得對自己感到失望，想必也令我的表情看起來有點近乎不耐和未予明言的憤怒。我壓根兒沒想過他可能誤以為這些全是沖著他來的。
 
Maybe it was for similar reasons that I would look away each time he looked at me: to conceal the strain on my timidity. That he might have found my avoidance offensive and retaliated with a hostile glance from time to time never crossed my mind either.
What I hoped he hadn’t noticed in my overreaction to his grip was something else. Before shirking off his arm, I knew I had yielded to his hand and had almost leaned into it, as if to say—as I’d heard adults so often say when someone happened to massage their shoulders while passing behind them—Don’t stop. Had he noticed I was ready not just to yield but to mold into his body?
 
還有一件事，或許也出于類似的理由。他一看過來，我就撇開目光，這只是為了隱藏我的膽怯造成的緊張。他可能覺得我這樣回避很失禮，才不時以帶著敵意的眼神報復(fù)——這一點我當(dāng)時也毫無頭緒。
我希望他沒有從我的過度反應(yīng)中察覺到什么，這是另一回事。但在躲開他的手臂之前，我知道我早已向他屈服，幾乎像是貼了上去，仿佛要說：“別停”（就像我聽到那些成年人在有人偶然經(jīng)過他們身后為他們按摩肩膀時常常這樣說）。他有沒有注意到我隨時準(zhǔn)備屈服于他，還想與他合為一體？

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