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簡愛CHAPTER X

所屬教程:簡愛

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CHAPTER X

HITHERTO I have recorded in detail the events of my insignificant existence: to the first ten years of my life I have given almost as many chapters. But this is not to be a regular autobiography: I am only bound to invoke Memory where I know her responses will possess some degree of interest; therefore I now pass a space of eight years almost in silence: a few lines only are necessary to keep up the links of connection.
When the typhus fever had fulfilled its mission of devastation at Lowood, it gradually disappeared from thence; but not till its virulence and the number of its victims had drawn public attention on the school. Inquiry was made into the origin of the scourge, and by degrees various facts came out which excited public indignation in a high degree. The unhealthy nature of the site; the quantity and quality of the children's food; the brackish, fetid water used in its preparation; the pupils' wretched clothing and accommodations- all these things were discovered, and the discovery produced a result mortifying to Mr. Brocklehurst, but beneficial to the institution.

Several wealthy and benevolent individuals in the county subscribed largely for the erection of a more convenient building in a better situation; new regulations were made; improvements in diet and clothing introduced; the funds of the school were intrusted to the management of a committee. Mr. Brocklehurst, who, from his wealth and family connections, could not be overlooked, still retained the post of treasurer; but he was aided in the discharge of his duties by gentlemen of rather more enlarged and sympathising minds: his office of inspector, too, was shared by those who knew how to combine reason with strictness, comfort with economy, compassion with uprightness. The school, thus improved, became in time a truly useful and noble institution. I remained an inmate of its walls, after its regeneration, for eight years: six as pupil, and two as teacher; and in both capacities I bear my testimony to its value and importance.

During these eight years my life was uniform: but not unhappy, because it was not inactive. I had the means of an excellent education placed within my reach; a fondness for some of my studies, and a desire to excel in all, together with a great delight in pleasing my teachers, especially such as I loved, urged me on: I availed myself fully of the advantages offered me. In time I rose to be the first girl of the first class; then I was invested with the office of teacher; which I discharged with zeal for two years: but at the end of that time I altered.

Miss Temple, through all changes, had thus far continued superintendent of the seminary: to her instruction I owed the best part of my acquirements; her friendship and society had been my continual solace; she had stood me in the stead of mother, governess, and, latterly, companion. At this period she married, removed with her husband (a clergyman, an excellent man, almost worthy of such a wife) to a distant county, and consequently was lost to me.

From the day she left I was no longer the same: with her was gone every settled feeling, every association that had made Lowood in some degree a home to me. I had imbibed from her something of her nature and much of her habits: more harmonious thoughts: what seemed better regulated feelings had become the inmates of my mind. I had given in allegiance to duty and order; I was quiet; I believed I was content: to the eyes of others, usually even to my own, I appeared a disciplined and subdued character.

But destiny, in the shape of the Rev. Mr. Nasmyth, came between me and Miss Temple: I saw her in her travelling dress step into a post-chaise, shortly after the marriage ceremony; I watched the chaise mount the hill and disappear beyond its brow; and then retired to  my own room, and there spent in solitude the greatest part of the half-holiday granted in honour of the occasion.

I walked about the chamber most of the time. I imagined myself only to be regretting my loss, and thinking how to repair it; but when my reflections were concluded, and I looked up and found that the afternoon was gone, and evening far advanced, another discovery dawned on me, namely, that in the interval I had undergone a transforming process; that my mind had put off all it had borrowed of Miss Temple- or rather that she had taken with her the serene atmosphere I had been breathing in her vicinity- and that now I was left in my natural element, and beginning to feel the stirring of old emotions.

It did not seem as if a prop were withdrawn, but rather as if a motive were gone: it was not the power to be tranquil which had failed me, but the reason for tranquillity was no more. My world had for some years been in Lowood: my experience had been of its rules and systems; now I remembered that the real world was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils.

I went to my window, opened it, and looked out. There were the two wings of the building; there was the garden; there were the skirts of Lowood; there was the hilly horizon. My eye passed all other objects to rest on those most remote, the blue peaks; it was those I longed to surmount; all within their boundary of rock and heath seemed prison-ground, exile limits. I traced the white road winding round the base of one mountain, and vanishing in a gorge between two; how I longed to follow it farther! I recalled the time when I had travelled that very road in a coach; I remembered descending that hill at twilight; an age seemed to have elapsed since the day which brought me first to Lowood, and I had never quitted it since. My vacations had all been spent at school: Mrs. Reed had never sent for me to Gateshead; neither she nor any of her family had ever been to visit me. I had had no communication by letter or message with the outer world: school-rules, school-duties, school-habits and notions, and voices, and faces, and phrases, and costumes, and preferences, and antipathies- such was what I knew of existence. And now I felt that it was not enough; I tired of the routine of eight years in one afternoon. I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing. I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication; for change, stimulus: that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space:

'Then,' I cried, half desperate, 'grant me at least a new servitude!' Here a bell, ringing the hour of supper, called me downstairs.

I was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflections till bedtime: even then a teacher who occupied the same room with me kept me from the subject to which I longed to recur, by a prolonged effusion of small talk. How I wished sleep would silence her. It seemed as if, could I but go back to the idea which had last entered my mind as I stood at the window, some inventive suggestion would rise for my relief.

Miss Gryce snored at last; she was a heavy Welsh-woman, and till now her habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any other light than as a nuisance; to-night I hailed the first deep notes with satisfaction; I was debarrassed of interruption; my half-effaced thought instantly revived.

'A new servitude! There is something in that,' I soliloquised (mentally, be it understood; I did not talk aloud). 'I know there is, because it does not sound too sweet; it is not like such words as Liberty, Excitement, Enjoyment: delightful sounds truly; but no more than sounds for me; and so hollow and fleeting that it is mere waste of time to listen to them. But Servitude! That must be matter of fact. Any one may serve: I have served here eight years; now all I want is to serve elsewhere. Can I not get so much of my own will? Is not the thing feasible? Yes- yes- the end is not so difficult; if I had only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of attaining it.'

I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain: it was a chilly night; I covered my shoulders with a shawl, and then I proceeded to think again with all my might.

'What do I want? A new place, in a new house, amongst new faces, under new circumstances: I want this because it is of no use wanting anything better. How do people do to get a new place? They apply to friends, I suppose: I have no friends. There are many others who have no friends, who must look about for themselves and be their own helpers; and what is their resource?'

I could not tell: nothing answered me; I then ordered my brain to find a response, and quickly. It worked and worked faster: I felt the pulses throb in my head and temples; but for nearly an hour it worked in chaos; and no result came of its efforts. Feverish with vain labour, I got up and took a turn in the room; undrew the curtain, noted a star or two, shivered with cold, and again crept to bed.

A kind fairy, in my absence, had surely dropped the required suggestion on my pillow; for as I lay down, it came quietly and naturally to my mind:- 'Those who want situations advertise; you 'How? I know nothing about advertising.'

Replies rose smooth and prompt now:-

'You must enclose the advertisement and the money to pay for it under a cover directed to the editor of the Herald; you must put it, the first opportunity you have, into the post at Lowton; answers must be addressed to J. E., at the post-office there; you can go and inquire in about a week after you send your letter, if any are come, and act accordingly.'

This scheme I went over twice, thrice; it was then digested in my mind; I had it in a clear practical form: I felt satisfied, and fell asleep.

With earliest day, I was up: I had my advertisement written, enclosed, and directed before the bell rang to rouse the school; it ran thus:-

'A young lady accustomed to tuition' (had I not been a teacher two years?) 'is desirous of meeting with a situation in a private family where the children are under fourteen' (I thought that as I was barely eighteen, it would not do to undertake the guidance of pupils nearer my own age). 'She is qualified to teach the usual branches of a good English education, together with French, Drawing, and Music' (in those days, reader, this now narrow catalogue of accomplishments, would have been held tolerably comprehensive).

This document remained locked in my drawer all day: after tea, I asked leave of the new superintendent to go to Lowton, in order to perform some small commissions for myself and one or two of my fellow-teachers; permission was readily granted; I went. It was a walk of two miles, and the evening was wet, but the days were still long; I visited a shop or two, slipped the letter into the post-office, and came back through heavy rain, with streaming garments, but with a relieved heart.

The succeeding week seemed long: it came to an end at last, however, like all sublunary things, and once more, towards the close of a pleasant autumn day, I found myself afoot on the road to Lowton. A picturesque track it was, by the way; lying along the side of the beck and through the sweetest curves of the dale: but that day I thought more of the letters, that might or might not be awaiting me at the little burgh whither I was bound, than of the charms of lea and water.

My ostensible errand on this occasion was to get measured for a pair of shoes; so I discharged that business first, and when it was done, I stepped across the clean and quiet little street from the shoemaker's to the post-office: it was kept by an old dame, who wore horn spectacles on her nose, and black mittens on her hands.

'Are there any letters for J. E.?' I asked.

She peered at me over her spectacles, and then she opened a drawer and fumbled among its contents for a long time, so long that my hopes began to falter. At last, having held a document before her glasses for nearly five minutes, she presented it across the counter, accompanying the act by another inquisitive and mistrustful glance- it was for J. E.

'Is there only one?' I demanded.

'There are no more,' said she; and I put it in my pocket and turned my face homeward: I could not open it then; rules obliged me to be back by eight, and it was already half-past seven.

Various duties awaited me on my arrival: I had to sit with the girls during their hour of study; then it was my turn to read prayers; to see them to bed: afterwards I supped with the other teachers.

Even when we finally retired for the night, the inevitable Miss Gryce was still my companion: we had only a short end of candle in our candlestick, and I dreaded lest she should talk till it was all burnt out; fortunately, however, the heavy supper she had eaten produced a soporific effect: she was already snoring before I had finished undressing. There still remained an inch of candle: I now took out my letter; the seal was an initial F.; I broke it; the contents were brief.

Thursday, possesses the acquirements mentioned, and if she is in a position to give satisfactory references as to character and competency, a situation can be offered her where there is but one pupil, a little girl, under ten years of age; and where the salary is thirty pounds per annum. J. E. is requested to send references, name, address, and all particulars to the direction:-

I examined the document long: the writing was old-fashioned and rather uncertain, like that of an elderly lady. This circumstance was satisfactory: a private fear had haunted me, that in thus acting for myself, and by my own guidance, I ran the risk of getting into some scrape; and, above all things, I wished the result of my endeavours to be respectable, proper, en regle. I now felt that an elderly lady was no bad ingredient in the business I had on hand. Mrs. Fairfax! I saw her in a black gown and widow's cap; frigid, perhaps, but not uncivil: a model of elderly English respectability.

Thornfield! that, doubtless, was the name of her house: a neat orderly spot, I was sure; though I failed in my efforts to conceive a recollections of the map of England; yes, I saw it; both the shire and county where I now resided: that was a recommendation to me. I longed to go where there was life and movement: Millcote was a large doubtless: so much the better; it would be a complete change at least.

Not that my fancy was much captivated by the idea of long chimneys and clouds of smoke- 'but,' I argued, 'Thornfield will, probably, be a good way from the town.'

Here the socket of the candle dropped, and the wick went out.

Next day new steps were to be taken; my plans could no longer be confined to my own breast; I must impart them in order to achieve their success. Having sought and obtained an audience of the superintendent during the noontide recreation, I told her I had a prospect of getting a new situation where the salary would be double what I now received (for at Lowood I only got L15 per annum); and requested she would break the matter for me to Mr. Brocklehurst, or some of the committee, and ascertain whether they would permit me to mention them as references. She obligingly consented to act as mediatrix in the matter. The next day she laid the affair before Mr. Brocklehurst, who said that Mrs. Reed must be written to, as she was my natural guardian. A note was accordingly addressed to that lady, who returned for answer, that 'I might do as I pleased: she had long relinquished all interference in my affairs.' This note went the round of the committee, and at last, after what appeared to me most tedious delay, formal leave was given me to better my condition if I could; and an assurance added, that as I had always conducted myself well, both as teacher and pupil, at Lowood, a testimonial of character and capacity, signed by the inspectors of that institution, should forthwith be furnished me.

This testimonial I accordingly received in about a month, forwarded a copy of it to Mrs. Fairfax, and got that lady's reply, stating that she was satisfied, and fixing that day fortnight as the period for my assuming the post of governess in her house.

I now busied myself in preparations: the fortnight passed rapidly. I had not a very large wardrobe, though it was adequate to my wants; and the last day sufficed to pack my trunk,- the same I had brought with me eight years ago from Gateshead.

The box was corded, the card nailed on. In half an hour the carrier was to call for it to take it to Lowton, whither I myself was to repair at an early hour the next morning to meet the coach. I had brushed my black stuff travelling-dress, prepared my bonnet, gloves, and muff; sought in all my drawers to see that no article was left behind; and now having nothing more to do, I sat down and tried to rest. I could not; though I had been on foot all day, I could not now repose an instant; I was too much excited. A phase of my life was closing tonight, a new one opening to-morrow: impossible to slumber in the interval; I must watch feverishly while the change was being accomplished.

'Miss,' said a servant who met me in the lobby, where I was wandering like a troubled spirit, 'a person below wishes to see you.'

'The carrier, no doubt,' I thought, and ran downstairs without inquiry. I was passing the back-parlour or teachers' sitting-room, the door of which was half open, to go to the kitchen, when some one ran out-

'It's her, I am sure!- I could have told her anywhere!' cried the individual who stopped my progress and took my hand.

I looked: I saw a woman attired like a well-dressed servant, matronly, yet still young; very good-looking, with black hair and eyes, and lively complexion.

'Well, who is it?' she asked, in a voice and with a smile I half recognised; 'you've not quite forgotten me, I think, Miss Jane?'

In another second I was embracing and kissing her rapturously:

'Bessie! Bessie! Bessie!' that was all I said; whereat she half laughed, half cried, and we both went into the parlour. By the fire stood a little fellow of three years old, in plaid frock and trousers.

'That is my little boy,' said Bessie directly.

'Then you are married, Bessie?'

'Yes; nearly five years since to Robert Leaven, the coachman; and I've a little girl besides Bobby there, that I've christened Jane.'

'And you don't live at Gateshead?'

'I live at the lodge: the old porter has left.'

'Well, and how do they all get on? Tell me everything about them, Bessie: but sit down first; and, Bobby, come and sit on my knee, will you?' but Bobby preferred sidling over to his mother.

'You're not grown so very tall, Miss Jane, nor so very stout,' continued Mrs. Leaven. 'I daresay they've not kept you too well at school: Miss Reed is the head and shoulders taller than you are; and Miss Georgiana would make two of you in breadth.'

'Georgiana is handsome, I suppose, Bessie?'

'Very. She went up to London last winter with her mama, and there everybody admired her, and a young lord fell in love with her: but his relations were against the match; and- what do you think?- he and Miss Georgiana made it up to run away; but they were found out and stopped.

It was Miss Reed that found them out: I believe she was envious; and now she and her sister lead a cat and dog life together; they are always quarrelling.'

'Well, and what of John Reed?'

'Oh, he is not doing so well as his mama could wish. He went to college, and he got- plucked, I think they call it: and then his uncles wanted him to be a barrister, and study the law: but he is such a dissipated young man, they will never make much of him, I think.'

'What does he look like?'

'He is very tall: some people call him a fine-looking young man; but he has such thick lips.'

'And Mrs. Reed?'

'Missis looks stout and well enough in the face, but I think she's not quite easy in her mind: Mr. John's conduct does not please her- he spends a deal of money.'

'Did she send you here, Bessie?'

'No, indeed: but I have long wanted to see you, and when I heard that there had been a letter from you, and that you were going to another part of the country, I thought I'd just set off, and get a look at you before you were quite out of my reach.'

'I am afraid you are disappointed in me, Bessie.' I said this laughing: I perceived that Bessie's glance, though it expressed regard, did in no shape denote admiration.

'No, Miss Jane, not exactly: you are genteel enough; you look like a lady, and it is as much as ever I expected of you: you were no beauty as a child.'

I smiled at Bessie's frank answer: I felt that it was correct, but I confess I was not quite indifferent to its import: at eighteen most people wish to please, and the conviction that they have not an exterior likely to second that desire brings anything but gratification.

'I daresay you are clever, though,' continued Bessie, by way of solace. 'What can you do? Can you play on the piano?'

'A little.'

There was one in the room; Bessie went and opened it, and then asked me to sit down and give her a tune: I played a waltz or two, and she was charmed.

'The Miss Reeds could not play as well!' said she exultingly. 'I always said you would surpass them in learning: and can you draw?'

'That is one of my paintings over the chimney-piece.' It was a landscape in water colours, of which I had made a present to the superintendent, in acknowledgment of her obliging mediation with the committee on my behalf, and which she had framed and glazed.

'Well, that is beautiful, Miss Jane! It is as fine a picture as any Miss Reed's drawing-master could paint, let alone the young ladies themselves, who could not come near it: and have you learnt French?'

'Yes, Bessie, I can both read it and speak it.'

'And you can work on muslin and canvas?'

'I can.'

'Oh, you are quite a lady, Miss Jane! I knew you would be: you will get on whether your relations notice you or not. There was something I wanted to ask you. Have you ever heard anything from your father's kinsfolk, the Eyres?'

'Never in my life.'

'Well, you know, Missis always said they were poor and quite despicable: and they may be poor; but I believe they are as much gentry as the Reeds are; for one day, nearly seven years ago, a Mr. Eyre came to Gateshead and wanted to see you; Missis said you were at school fifty miles off; he seemed so much disappointed, for he could not stay: he was going on a voyage to a foreign country, and the ship was to sail from London in a day or two. He looked quite a gentleman, and I believe he was your father's brother.'

'What foreign country was he going to, Bessie?'

'An island thousands of miles off, where they make wine- the butler did tell me-''Madeira?' I suggested.

'Yes, that is it- that is the very word.'

'So he went?'

'Yes; he did not stay many minutes in the house: Missis was very high with him; she called him afterwards a "sneaking tradesman." My Robert believes he was a wine-merchant.'

'Very likely,' I returned; 'or perhaps clerk or agent to a wine-merchant.'

Bessie and I conversed about old times an hour longer, and then she was obliged to leave me: I saw her again for a few minutes the next morning at Lowton, while I was waiting for the coach. We parted finally at the door of the Brocklehurst Arms there, each went her separate way; she set off for the brow of Lowood Fell to meet the conveyance which was to take her back to Gateshead, I mounted the vehicle which was to bear me to new duties and a new life in the unknown environs of Millcote.
 
 

第十章
 
 
 
 
到目前為止,我已細(xì)述了自己微不足道的身世。我一生的最初十年,差不多花了十章來描寫。但這不是一部正正規(guī)規(guī)的自傳。我不過是要勾起自知會(huì)使讀者感興趣的記憶,因此我現(xiàn)在要幾乎只字不提跳過八年的生活,只需用幾行筆墨來保持連貫性。

斑疹傷寒熱在羅沃德完成了它摧毀件的使命以后,便漸漸地從那里銷聲匿跡了。但是其病毒和犧牲者的數(shù)字,引起了公眾對學(xué)校的注意,于是人們對這場災(zāi)禍的根源作了調(diào)查,而逐步披露的事實(shí)大大激怒了公眾。學(xué)校的地點(diǎn)不利于健康,孩子們的伙食量少質(zhì)差,做飯用的水臭得使人惡心;學(xué)生們的衣著和居住條件很糟,一切都暴露無遺,曝光的結(jié)果使布羅克赫斯特大夫失臉面,使學(xué)校大受得益。

那里的一些富家善人慷慨解囊,在一個(gè)更好的地點(diǎn)建造了一座更合適的大樓。校規(guī)重新作了制訂,伙食和衣著有所改善。學(xué)校的經(jīng)費(fèi)委托給一個(gè)委員會(huì)管理。布羅克赫斯特先生,有錢又有勢,自然不能忽視,所以仍擔(dān)任司庫一職。但在履行職務(wù)時(shí)得到了更為慷慨和富有同情心的紳士們的協(xié)助。他作為督導(dǎo)的職能,也由他人一起來承擔(dān),他們知道該怎樣把理智與嚴(yán)格、舒適與經(jīng)濟(jì)、憐憫與正直結(jié)合起來。學(xué)校因此大有改進(jìn),到時(shí)候成了一個(gè)真正有用的高尚學(xué)府。學(xué)校獲得新生之后,我在它的圍墻之內(nèi)生活了八年,當(dāng)了六年的學(xué)生,二年的教師,在雙重身份上成了它價(jià)值和重要性的見證人。

在這八年中,我的生活十分單一,但并無不快,因?yàn)槿兆記]有成為一潭死水。這里具備接受良好教育的條件。我喜愛某些課程;我希望超過所有人;我很樂意使教師尤其是我所愛的教師高興,這一切都激勵(lì)我奮進(jìn)。我充分利用所提供的有利條件,終于一躍而成為第一班的第一名,后來又被授予教師職務(wù),滿腔熱情地干了兩年,但兩年之后我改變了主意。

坦普爾小姐歷經(jīng)種種變遷,一直擔(dān)任著校長的職位,我所取得的最好成績歸功于她的教誨。同她的友誼和交往始終是對我的慰藉。她擔(dān)當(dāng)了我的母親和家庭教師的角色,后來成了我的伙伴。這時(shí)候,她結(jié)了婚,隨她的丈夫(一位牧師、一個(gè)出色的男人,幾乎與這樣一位妻子相般配)遷往一個(gè)遙遠(yuǎn)的郡,結(jié)果同我失去了聯(lián)系。

打從她離開的那天起,我已不再同原來一樣了。她一走,那種己經(jīng)確立了的使羅沃德有幾分像家的感情和聯(lián)系,都隨之消失。我從她那兒吸收了某些個(gè)性和很多習(xí)慣。比較和諧的思想,比較有節(jié)制的感情,已經(jīng)在我的頭腦里生根。我決意忠于職守,服從命令。我很文靜,相信自己十分滿足。在別人的眼中,甚至在我自己看來,我似乎是一位懂規(guī)矩守本份的人。

但是命運(yùn)化作牧師內(nèi)史密斯把我和坦普爾小組分開了。我見她身著行裝在婚禮后不久跨進(jìn)一輛驛站馬車,我凝視著馬車爬上小山,消失在陡坡后面。隨后我回到了自己的房間,在孤寂中度過了為慶祝這一時(shí)刻而放的半假日的絕大部分時(shí)間。

大部分時(shí)候我在房間里躑躅。我本以為自己只對損失感到遺憾,并考慮如何加以補(bǔ)救,但當(dāng)我結(jié)束了思考,抬頭看到下午已經(jīng)逝去,夜色正濃時(shí),驀地我有了新的發(fā)現(xiàn)。那就是在這一間隙,我經(jīng)歷了一個(gè)變化的過程,我的心靈丟棄了我從坦普爾小姐那兒學(xué)來的東西,或者不如說她帶走了我在她身邊所感受到的寧靜氣息,現(xiàn)在我又恢復(fù)了自己的天性,感到原有的情緒開始萌動(dòng)了,我并不是失去了支柱,而是失去了動(dòng)機(jī);并不是無力保持平靜、而是需要保持平靜的理由己不復(fù)存在。幾年來,我的世界就在羅沃德,我的經(jīng)歷就是學(xué)校的規(guī)章制度,而現(xiàn)在我記起來了,真正的世界無限廣闊,一個(gè)變滿著希望與憂煩,刺激與興奮的天地等待著那些有膽識(shí)的人,去冒各種風(fēng)險(xiǎn),追求人生的真諦。

我走向窗子,把它打開,往外眺望。我看見了大樓的兩翼,看見了花園,看見了羅沃德的邊緣,看見了山巒起伏的地平線。我的目光越過了其他東西,落在那些最遙遠(yuǎn)的藍(lán)色山峰上。正是那些山峰,我渴望去攀登?;臎霾豢皫r石嶙峋的邊界之內(nèi),仿佛是囚禁地,是放逐的極限。我跟蹤那條白色的路蜿蜒著繞過一座山的山腳,消失在兩山之間的峽谷之中。我多么希望繼續(xù)跟著它往前走??!我憶起了我乘著馬車沿著那條路走的日子,我記得在薄暮中駛下了山,自從我被第一次帶到羅沃德時(shí)起,仿佛一個(gè)世紀(jì)己經(jīng)過去,但我從來沒有離開過這里。假期都是在學(xué)校里度過的,里德太太從來沒有把我接到蓋茨黑德去過,不管是她本人,還是家里的其他人,從未來看過我。我與外部世界既沒有書信往來,也不通消息。學(xué)校的規(guī)定、任務(wù)、習(xí)慣、觀念、音容、語言、服飾、好惡,就是我所知道的生活內(nèi)容。而如今我覺得這很不夠。一個(gè)下午之間,我對八年的常規(guī)生活突然感到厭倦了,我憧憬自由,我渴望自由,我為自由作了一個(gè)禱告,這祈禱似乎被驅(qū)散,融入了微風(fēng)之中。我放棄了祈禱,設(shè)想了一個(gè)更謙卑的祈求,祈求變化,祈求刺激。而這懇求似乎也被吹進(jìn)了浩茫的宇宙。“那么”,我近乎絕望地叫道,“至少賜予我一種新的苦役吧!”

這時(shí),晚飯鈴響了,把我召喚到了樓下。

直到睡覺的時(shí)候,我才有空繼續(xù)那被打斷了的沉思。即便在那時(shí),同房間的一位教師還絮絮叨叨閑聊了好久,使我沒法回到我所渴望的問題上。我多么希望瞌睡會(huì)使她閉上嘴巴!仿佛只要我重新思考佇立窗前時(shí)閃過腦際的念頭,某個(gè)獨(dú)特的想法便會(huì)自己冒出來,使我得以解脫似的。

格麗絲小姐終于打瞌了。她是一位笨重的威爾士女人,在此之前我對她慣常的鼻音曲除了認(rèn)為討厭,沒有別的看法。而今晚我滿意地迎來了它最初的深沉曲調(diào),我免除了打擾,心中那抹去了一半的想法又立刻復(fù)活了。

“一種新的苦役!這有一定道理,”我自言自語(要知道,只是心里想想,沒有說出口來)。“我知道是有道理,因?yàn)樗⒉皇謩?dòng)聽,不像自由、興奮、享受這些詞,它們的聲音確實(shí)很悅耳,徒然浪費(fèi)時(shí)間。但是這苦役卻全然不同!它畢竟是實(shí)實(shí)在在的,任何個(gè)人都可以服苦役。我在這兒已經(jīng)服了八年,現(xiàn)在我所期求的不過是到別處去服役。難道我連這點(diǎn)愿望也達(dá)不到?難道這事不可行?是呀,是呀,要達(dá)到目的并非難事,只要我肯動(dòng)腦筋,找到達(dá)到目的之手段。”

我從床上坐起來,以便開動(dòng)腦筋。這是一個(gè)寒冷的夜晚,我在肩上圍了塊披巾,隨后便
全力以赴地進(jìn)一步思考起來。

“我需要什么呢?在新的環(huán)境、新的面孔、新的房子中一個(gè)新的工作。我只要這個(gè),因?yàn)楹酶啁F遠(yuǎn)是徒勞無益的。人們怎樣才能找到一個(gè)新工作呢?我猜想他們求助于朋友。但我沒有朋友。很多沒有朋友的人只好自己動(dòng)手去找工作,自己救自己,他們采用什么辦法呢?”

我說不上來,找不到答案。隨后我責(zé)令自己的頭腦找到一個(gè)回答,而且要快。我動(dòng)著腦筋,越動(dòng)越快。我感到我的腦袋和太陽穴在搏動(dòng)著。但將近一個(gè)小時(shí),我的腦子亂七八糟,一切努力毫無結(jié)果。我因?yàn)橥絼跓o功而心亂加麻,便立起身來,在房間里轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn),拉開窗簾,望見一兩顆星星,在寒夜中顫抖,我再次爬到床上。

準(zhǔn)是有一位善良的仙女,趁我不在時(shí)把我需要的主意放到了我枕頭上,因?yàn)槲姨上聲r(shí),這主意悄悄地、自然而然地閃入我腦際。“凡是謀職的人都登廣告,你必須在《××郡先驅(qū)報(bào)》上登廣告。”

“怎么登呢?我對廣告一無所知。”

回答來得自然而又及時(shí):

“你必須把廣告和廣告費(fèi)放在同一個(gè)信封里,寄給《先驅(qū)報(bào)》的編輯,你必須立即抓住第一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)把信投到洛頓郵局,回信務(wù)必寄往那里郵局的J.E.。信寄出后一個(gè)星期,你可以去查詢。要是來了回音,那就隨之行動(dòng)。”

我把這個(gè)計(jì)劃琢磨了二三回,接著便消化在腦子里,我非常清晰地把它具體化了,我很滿意,不久便酣然入睡。

第二天我一大早就起來了,沒等起床鈴把全校吵醒就寫好了廣告,封入信封,寫上了地址。信上說:

“現(xiàn)有一位年輕女士,熟悉教學(xué)(我不是做了兩年的教師嗎?)愿謀一家庭教師職位,兒童年齡須幼于十四歲(我想自己才十八歲,要指導(dǎo)一個(gè)跟我年齡相仿的人是斷然不行的)。該女士能勝任良好的英國教育所含的普通課科,以及法文、繪畫和音樂的教學(xué)(讀者呀,現(xiàn)在這張狹窄的技能表,在那個(gè)時(shí)代還算是比較廣博的)。回信請寄××郡洛頓郵局,J.E.收。”

這份文件在我抽屜里整整鎖了一天。用完茶點(diǎn)以后,我向新來的校長請假去洛頓,為自己也為一兩位共事的老師辦些小事。她欣然允諾,于是我便去了。一共有兩英里步行路程,傍晚還下著雨,好在白晝依然很長。我逛了一兩家商店,把信塞進(jìn)郵局,冒著大雨回來,外衣都淌著水,但心里如釋重負(fù)。

接著的那個(gè)星期似乎很長,然而,它像世間的萬物一樣,終于到了盡頭。一個(gè)秋高氣爽的傍晚,我再次踏上了去洛頓的路途。順便提一句,小路風(fēng)景如畫,沿著小溪向前延伸,穿過彎彎曲曲秀色誘人的山谷。不過那天我想得更多的是那封可能在,可能不在小城等著我的信,而不是草地和溪水的魅力。

這時(shí)我冠冕堂皇的差使是度量腳碼做一雙鞋。所以我先去干這件事。了卻以后,從鞋匠那兒出來,穿過潔凈安寧的小街,來到郵局。管理員是位老婦人,鼻梁上架著角質(zhì)眼鏡,手
上戴著黑色露指手套。
“有寫給J.E.的信嗎?”我問。

她從眼鏡上方盯著我,隨后打開一個(gè)抽屜,在里面放著的東西中間翻了好久好久。時(shí)間那么長,我簡直開始有些泄氣了。最后,她終于把一份文件放到眼鏡底上,過了將近五分鐘,才越過柜臺(tái),遞給我,同時(shí)投過來刨根究底,疑慮重重的一瞥——這封信是寫給J.E.的。

“就只有這么一封?”我問。

“沒有了,”她說,我把信放進(jìn)口袋,回頭就走。當(dāng)時(shí)我不能拆開,按照規(guī)定我得八點(diǎn)前返回,而這時(shí)已經(jīng)七點(diǎn)半了。

一到家便有種種事務(wù)等著我去做。姑娘們做功課時(shí)我得陪坐著,隨后是輪到我讀禱告,照應(yīng)她們上床。在此之后,我與其他教師吃了晚飯。甚至最后到了夜間安寢時(shí),那位始終少不了的格麗絲小姐仍與我作伴。燭臺(tái)上只剩下一短截蠟燭了,我擔(dān)心她會(huì)喋喋不休,直至燭滅。幸好那一頓飯產(chǎn)生了催眠的效果。我還沒有脫好衣服,她已酣聲大作。蠟燭只剩一英寸,我取出了信,封口上署著縮寫F.,我拆開信封,發(fā)現(xiàn)內(nèi)容十分簡單。

“如上周四在郡《先驅(qū)報(bào)》上登了廣告的J.E.具備她所提及的修養(yǎng),如她能為自己的品格與能力提供滿意的證明人,即可獲得一份工作,僅需教一名學(xué)生,一個(gè)不滿十歲的小女孩,年薪為三十英鎊。務(wù)請將證明人及其姓名、地址和詳情寄往下列姓名和地址:“××郡,米爾科特附近,桑菲爾德,費(fèi)爾法克斯太太收。”

我把文件細(xì)看了很久。字體很老式,筆跡不大穩(wěn),像是一位老年婦女寫的。這一情況倒是讓人滿意的。我曾暗自擔(dān)心,我自作主張,獨(dú)自行動(dòng),會(huì)有陷入某種困境的危險(xiǎn)。尤其是我希望自己努力得來的成果是體面的、正當(dāng)?shù)?、en regle。我現(xiàn)在覺得手頭的這件事涉及一位老年婦女倒是好事。費(fèi)爾法克斯太太!我想象她穿著黑色的長袍,戴著寡婦帽,也許索然無味,但井不失為一位典型的英國老派體面人物。桑菲爾德!毫無疑問,那是她住宅的名稱,肯定是個(gè)整潔而井井有條的地方,盡管我無力設(shè)想這幢房子的確切結(jié)構(gòu)。××郡的米爾科特,我重溫了記憶中的英國地圖。不錯(cuò),郡和鎮(zhèn)都看到了。××郡比我現(xiàn)在居住的最偏遠(yuǎn)的郡,離倫敦要近七十英里。這對我來說是十分可取的。我向往活躍熱鬧的地方。禾爾科特是個(gè)大工業(yè)城市,坐落在埃×河岸上,無疑是夠熱鬧的。這樣豈不更好,至少也是個(gè)徹底的改變。倒不是我的想象被那些高高的煙囪和團(tuán)團(tuán)煙霧所吸引,“不過,”我爭辯著,“或許桑菲爾德離鎮(zhèn)很遠(yuǎn)呢。”

這時(shí)殘燭落入了燭臺(tái)孔中,燭芯熄滅了。

第二天我得采取一些新的措施,這個(gè)計(jì)劃不能再悶在自己心里了。為了獲得成功我必須說出口。下午娛樂活動(dòng)時(shí)間,我去拜見了校長,告訴她我有可能找到一個(gè)新的職位,薪金是我目前所得的兩倍(在羅沃德我的年薪為十五鎊),請她替我把這事透露給布羅克赫斯特先生或委員會(huì)里的某些人,并問明白他們是否允許我把他們作為證明人提出來。她一口答應(yīng)充當(dāng)這件事情的協(xié)調(diào)人。第二天,她向布羅克赫斯特先生提出了這件事,而他說必須寫信通知里德太太,因?yàn)樗俏业漠?dāng)然監(jiān)護(hù)人。結(jié)果便向那位太太發(fā)了封簡函。她回信說,一切悉聽尊便,她已久不干預(yù)我的事務(wù)了。這封信函在委員會(huì)里傳閱,并經(jīng)過了在我看來是極其今人厭煩的拖延后,我終于得到了正式許可,在可能情況下改善自己的處境。附帶還保證,由于我在羅沃德當(dāng)教師和當(dāng)學(xué)生時(shí),一向表現(xiàn)很好,為此即將為我提供一份由學(xué)校督導(dǎo)簽字的品格和能力證明書。

大約一周以后,我收到了這份證明,抄寄了一份給費(fèi)爾法克斯太太,并得到了那位太太的回復(fù),說是對我感到滿意,并定于兩周后我去那位太太家擔(dān)任家庭教師。

現(xiàn)在我忙于作準(zhǔn)備了。兩周時(shí)間一晃而過。我的衣裝不多,只是夠穿罷了。最后一天也完全夠我整理箱子——還是八年前從蓋茨黑德帶來的那一只.

箱子已用繩子捆好,貼上了標(biāo)簽。半小時(shí)之后有腳夫來把它取走,送往洛頓,我自己則第二天一早要趕到那里去等公共馬車。我刷好了我的黑呢旅行裝,備好帽子、手套和皮手筒,把所有的抽屜翻了一遍,免得丟下什么東西。此刻,我已無事可做,便想坐下來休息一下。但我做不到,盡管我已奔忙了一整天,卻一刻也無法休息,我太興奮了。我生活的一個(gè)階段今晚就要結(jié)束,明天將開始一個(gè)新的階段。在兩者的間隙,我難以入睡,我必須滿腔熱情地觀看這變化的完成。

“小姐,”一個(gè)在門廳碰到我的仆人說。這會(huì)兒我正像一個(gè)不安的幽靈似地在那里徘徊,“樓下有個(gè)人要見你。”

“準(zhǔn)是腳夫,”我想,問也沒問一聲就奔下了樓去。我正經(jīng)過半開著的后客廳,也就是教師休息室,向廚房走去,有人卻從里面跑了出來。“準(zhǔn)是她!——在哪兒我都認(rèn)得出她來!”那人攔住我,一把抓過我的手叫道。

我定睛一看,見是一個(gè)少婦,穿戴得像一個(gè)衣著講究的仆人,一付已婚婦女模樣,卻不失年輕漂亮,頭發(fā)和眸子烏黑,臉色紅潤。

“瞧,是誰來了?”她回話的嗓音和笑容我似曾相識(shí),“我想你沒有把我完全忘記吧,簡小姐?”

頃刻之間我便喜不自禁地?fù)肀?,吻她了?ldquo;貝茜!貝茜!貝茜!”我光這么叫著,而她聽了又是笑又是哭,兩人都進(jìn)了后客廳。壁爐旁邊站著一個(gè)三歲左右的小家伙,穿著花格呢外衣和褲子。

“那是我的兒子,”貝茜立刻說。

“這么說,你結(jié)婚了,貝茜?”

“是呀,己經(jīng)快五年了,嫁給了馬車夫羅伯特.利文,除了站在那兒的鮑比,我還有一個(gè)小女孩,我把她的教名取作簡。”

“你不住在蓋茨黑德了?”

“我住在門房里,原來那個(gè)看門的走了。”

“噢,他們都過得怎么樣?把他們的事情統(tǒng)統(tǒng)都告訴我,貝茜。不過先坐下來,還有鮑比,過來坐在我的膝頭上好嗎?”但鮑比還是喜歡側(cè)著身子挨近他媽媽。

“你長得那么高了,簡小姐,而又沒有發(fā)胖,”利文太太繼續(xù)說。“我猜想學(xué)校里沒有把你照看得太好吧,里德小姐要比你高得多呢。而喬治亞娜小姐有你兩個(gè)人那么闊。”

“喬治亞娜想來很漂亮吧,貝茜?”

“很漂亮。去年冬天她同媽媽上了倫敦,在那兒人見人愛,一個(gè)年輕勛爵愛上了她,但勛爵的親戚反對這門親事,而——你認(rèn)為怎么樣——他和喬治亞娜小姐決定私奔,于是讓人發(fā)現(xiàn)了,受到了阻止。發(fā)現(xiàn)他們的正是里德小姐,我想她是出于妒嫉,如今她們姐妹倆像貓和狗一樣不合,老是吵架。”

“那么,約翰.里德怎么樣了?”

“啊,他辜負(fù)了他媽媽的希望,表現(xiàn)并不好。他上了大學(xué),而考試不及格,我想他們是這么說的。后來他的叔叔們要他將來當(dāng)律師,去學(xué)習(xí)法律,但他是個(gè)年輕浪蕩子,我想他們甭想使他有出息。”

“他長成什么模樣了?”

“他很高,有人叫他俊小伙子,不過他的嘴唇很厚。”

“里德太太怎么樣?”

“太太顯得有些發(fā)胖,外表看看倒不錯(cuò),但我想她心里很不安。約翰先生的行為使她不高興—一約翰用掉了很多錢。”

“是她派你到這里來的嗎,貝茜?”

“說真的,不是。我倒早就想見你了。我聽說你寫了信來,說是要去遠(yuǎn)地方,我想我還是乘你還沒有遠(yuǎn)走高飛的時(shí)候,動(dòng)身來見你一面。”

“恐怕你對我失望了吧,貝茜。”說完我笑了起來。我發(fā)覺貝茜的目光雖然流露出關(guān)切,卻絲毫沒有贊賞之意。

“不,簡小姐,不完全這樣。你夠文雅的了,你看上去像個(gè)貴婦人。當(dāng)然你還是我所預(yù)料的那樣,還是孩子的時(shí)候你就長得不漂亮。”

我對貝茵坦率的回答報(bào)之以微笑。我想她說得對,不過我承認(rèn),我對這話的含義并沒有無動(dòng)于衷。在十八歲的年紀(jì)上,大多數(shù)人都希望能討人喜歡,而她們相信,自己并不具備有助于實(shí)現(xiàn)這種愿望的外表時(shí),心里是絕不會(huì)高興的。

“不過我想你很聰明,”貝茜繼續(xù)說,以表示安慰。“你會(huì)什么?能彈鋼琴嗎?”

“會(huì)一點(diǎn)兒。”

房內(nèi)有一架鋼琴。貝茜走過去把它打開,隨后要我坐下來給她彈個(gè)曲子。我彈了一兩曲華爾茲,她聽得著了迷。

“兩位里德小姐彈不了這么好!”她欣喜地說,“我總是說你在學(xué)問上一定會(huì)超過她們的,你能畫嗎?”

“壁爐架上的那幅畫就是我畫的。”這是一幅水彩風(fēng)景畫,我把它作為禮物送給了校長,以感謝她代表我在委員會(huì)中所作的善意斡旋。她把這幅畫加了框,還上了光。

“嗬,好漂亮,簡小姐!它同里德小姐的繪畫老師作的畫一樣好,更不要說年輕小姐她們自己了,她們同你天差地遠(yuǎn)。你學(xué)法語了嗎?”

“學(xué)了,貝茵,我能讀還能講。”

“你會(huì)做細(xì)布和粗布上的刺繡活嗎?”

“我會(huì)。”

“啊,你是個(gè)大家閨秀啦,簡小姐!我早知道你會(huì)的。不管你的親戚理不理你,照樣會(huì)有長進(jìn)。我有件事兒要問你,你父親的親屬,有沒有寫過信給你,就是那些姓愛的人?”

“這輩子還沒有。”

“啊,你知道太太常說,他們又窮又讓人瞧不起。窮倒是可能的,但我相信他們像里德家的人一樣有紳士派頭。大約七年前的一天,一位愛先生來到蓋茨黑德,而且要見見你。太太說你在五十英里外的學(xué)校里,他好像很失望,因?yàn)樗荒芏啻?。他要乘船到外國去,一兩天后從倫敦開航。他看上去完全像個(gè)紳士,我想他是你父親的兄弟。”

“他上國外哪個(gè)國家,貝茜?”

“幾千英里外的一個(gè)島,那兒出產(chǎn)酒——管家告訴我的。”

“馬德拉島?”我提醒了一下。

“對,就是這地方——就是這幾個(gè)字。”

“那他走了?”

“是的,他在屋里沒有呆上幾分鐘。太太對他很傲慢,后來她把他叫作一個(gè)‘狡猾的生意人’,我那位羅伯特估計(jì)他是個(gè)酒商。”

“很可能,”我回答,“或者酒商的職員或代理人。”

貝茜和我又談了一個(gè)鐘頭的往事,后來,她不得不告辭了。第二天在洛頓侯車時(shí)又見了她五分鐘。最后我們在布洛克赫斯特紋章旅店的門邊分手,各走各的路,她動(dòng)身去羅沃德山崗搭車回蓋茨黑德;而我登上了車子,讓它把我?guī)谞柨铺啬莻€(gè)陌生的郊區(qū),從事新的使命,開始新的生活。
 
 

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