CHAPTER II
I resisted all the way: a new thing for me, and a circumstance
which greatly strengthened the bad opinion Bessie and Miss Abbot
were disposed to entertain of me. The fact is, I was a trifle
beside myself; or rather OUT of myself, as the French would say: I
was conscious that a moment's mutiny had already rendered me liable
to strange penalties, and, like any other rebel slave, I felt
resolved, in my desperation, to go all lengths.
"Hold her arms, Miss Abbot: she's like a mad cat."
"For shame! for shame!" cried the lady's-maid. "What shocking
conduct, Miss Eyre, to strike a young gentleman, your benefactress's
son! Your young master."
"Master! How is he my master? Am I a servant?"
"No; you are less than a servant, for you do nothing for your keep.
There, sit down, and think over your wickedness."
They had got me by this time into the apartment indicated by Mrs.
Reed, and had thrust me upon a stool: my impulse was to rise from
it like a spring; their two pair of hands arrested me instantly.
"If you don't sit still, you must be tied down," said Bessie. "Miss
Abbot, lend me your garters; she would break mine directly."
Miss Abbot turned to divest a stout leg of the necessary ligature.
This preparation for bonds, and the additional ignominy it inferred,
took a little of the excitement out of me.
"Don't take them off," I cried; "I will not stir."
In guarantee whereof, I attached myself to my seat by my hands.
"Mind you don't," said Bessie; and when she had ascertained that I
was really subsiding, she loosened her hold of me; then she and Miss
Abbot stood with folded arms, looking darkly and doubtfully on my
face, as incredulous of my sanity.
"She never did so before," at last said Bessie, turning to the
Abigail.
"But it was always in her," was the reply. "I've told Missis often
my opinion about the child, and Missis agreed with me. She's an
underhand little thing: I never saw a girl of her age with so much
cover."
Bessie answered not; but ere long, addressing me, she said--"You
ought to be aware, Miss, that you are under obligations to Mrs.
Reed: she keeps you: if she were to turn you off, you would have
to go to the poorhouse."
I had nothing to say to these words: they were not new to me: my
very first recollections of existence included hints of the same
kind. This reproach of my dependence had become a vague sing-song
in my ear: very painful and crushing, but only half intelligible.
Miss Abbot joined in -
"And you ought not to think yourself on an equality with the Misses
Reed and Master Reed, because Missis kindly allows you to be brought
up with them. They will have a great deal of money, and you will
have none: it is your place to be humble, and to try to make
yourself agreeable to them."
"What we tell you is for your good," added Bessie, in no harsh
voice, "you should try to be useful and pleasant, then, perhaps, you
would have a home here; but if you become passionate and rude,
Missis will send you away, I am sure."
"Besides," said Miss Abbot, "God will punish her: He might strike
her dead in the midst of her tantrums, and then where would she go?
Come, Bessie, we will leave her: I wouldn't have her heart for
anything. Say your prayers, Miss Eyre, when you are by yourself;
for if you don't repent, something bad might be permitted to come
down the chimney and fetch you away."
They went, shutting the door, and locking it behind them.
The red-room was a square chamber, very seldom slept in, I might say
never, indeed, unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gateshead
Hall rendered it necessary to turn to account all the accommodation
it contained: yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers
in the mansion. A bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany,
hung with curtains of deep red damask, stood out like a tabernacle
in the centre; the two large windows, with their blinds always drawn
down, were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery;
the carpet was red; the table at the foot of the bed was covered
with a crimson cloth; the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush
of pink in it; the wardrobe, the toilet-table, the chairs were of
darkly polished old mahogany. Out of these deep surrounding shades
rose high, and glared white, the piled-up mattresses and pillows of
the bed, spread with a snowy Marseilles counterpane. Scarcely less
prominent was an ample cushioned easy-chair near the head of the
bed, also white, with a footstool before it; and looking, as I
thought, like a pale throne.
This room was chill, because it seldom had a fire; it was silent,
because remote from the nursery and kitchen; solemn, because it was
known to be so seldom entered. The house-maid alone came here on
Saturdays, to wipe from the mirrors and the furniture a week's quiet
dust: and Mrs. Reed herself, at far intervals, visited it to review
the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe, where were
stored divers parchments, her jewel-casket, and a miniature of her
deceased husband; and in those last words lies the secret of the
red-room--the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its
grandeur.
Mr. Reed had been dead nine years: it was in this chamber he
breathed his last; here he lay in state; hence his coffin was borne
by the undertaker's men; and, since that day, a sense of dreary
consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion.
My seat, to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me
riveted, was a low ottoman near the marble chimney-piece; the bed
rose before me; to my right hand there was the high, dark wardrobe,
with subdued, broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to
my left were the muffled windows; a great looking-glass between them
repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room. I was not quite
sure whether they had locked the door; and when I dared move, I got
up and went to see. Alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure.
Returning, I had to cross before the looking-glass; my fascinated
glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed. All looked
colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the
strange little figure there gazing at me, with a white face and arms
specking the gloom, and glittering eyes of fear moving where all
else was still, had the effect of a real spirit: I thought it like
one of the tiny phantoms, half fairy, half imp, Bessie's evening
stories represented as coming out of lone, ferny dells in moors, and
appearing before the eyes of belated travellers. I returned to my
stool.
Superstition was with me at that moment; but it was not yet her hour
for complete victory: my blood was still warm; the mood of the
revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour; I had to
stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before I quailed to the
dismal present.
All John Reed's violent tyrannies, all his sisters' proud
indifference, all his mother's aversion, all the servants'
partiality, turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a
turbid well. Why was I always suffering, always browbeaten, always
accused, for ever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it
useless to try to win any one's favour? Eliza, who was headstrong
and selfish, was respected. Georgiana, who had a spoiled temper, a
very acrid spite, a captious and insolent carriage, was universally
indulged. Her beauty, her pink cheeks and golden curls, seemed to
give delight to all who looked at her, and to purchase indemnity for
every fault. John no one thwarted, much less punished; though he
twisted the necks of the pigeons, killed the little pea-chicks, set
the dogs at the sheep, stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit,
and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory: he
called his mother "old girl," too; sometimes reviled her for her
dark skin, similar to his own; bluntly disregarded her wishes; not
unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire; and he was still "her
own darling." I dared commit no fault: I strove to fulfil every
duty; and I was termed naughty and tiresome, sullen and sneaking,
from morning to noon, and from noon to night.
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received:
no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me; and because I had
turned against him to avert farther irrational violence, I was
loaded with general opprobrium.
"Unjust!--unjust!" said my reason, forced by the agonising stimulus
into precocious though transitory power: and Resolve, equally
wrought up, instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from
insupportable oppression--as running away, or, if that could not be
effected, never eating or drinking more, and letting myself die.
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon! How
all my brain was in tumult, and all my heart in insurrection! Yet
in what darkness, what dense ignorance, was the mental battle
fought! I could not answer the ceaseless inward question--WHY I
thus suffered; now, at the distance of--I will not say how many
years, I see it clearly.
I was a discord in Gateshead Hall: I was like nobody there; I had
nothing in harmony with Mrs. Reed or her children, or her chosen
vassalage. If they did not love me, in fact, as little did I love
them. They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that
could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing,
opposed to them in temperament, in capacity, in propensities; a
useless thing, incapable of serving their interest, or adding to
their pleasure; a noxious thing, cherishing the germs of indignation
at their treatment, of contempt of their judgment. I know that had
I been a sanguine, brilliant, careless, exacting, handsome, romping
child--though equally dependent and friendless--Mrs. Reed would have
endured my presence more complacently; her children would have
entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow-feeling; the
servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the
nursery.
Daylight began to forsake the red-room; it was past four o'clock,
and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight. I heard
the rain still beating continuously on the staircase window, and the
wind howling in the grove behind the hall; I grew by degrees cold as
a stone, and then my courage sank. My habitual mood of humiliation,
self-doubt, forlorn depression, fell damp on the embers of my
decaying ire. All said I was wicked, and perhaps I might be so;
what thought had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to
death? That certainly was a crime: and was I fit to die? Or was
the vault under the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne?
In such vault I had been told did Mr. Reed lie buried; and led by
this thought to recall his idea, I dwelt on it with gathering dread.
I could not remember him; but I knew that he was my own uncle--my
mother's brother--that he had taken me when a parentless infant to
his house; and that in his last moments he had required a promise of
Mrs. Reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own
children. Mrs. Reed probably considered she had kept this promise;
and so she had, I dare say, as well as her nature would permit her;
but how could she really like an interloper not of her race, and
unconnected with her, after her husband's death, by any tie? It
must have been most irksome to find herself bound by a hard-wrung
pledge to stand in the stead of a parent to a strange child she
could not love, and to see an uncongenial alien permanently intruded
on her own family group.
A singular notion dawned upon me. I doubted not--never doubted--
that if Mr. Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly; and
now, as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls--
occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly
gleaning mirror--I began to recall what I had heard of dead men,
troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes,
revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the
oppressed; and I thought Mr. Reed's spirit, harassed by the wrongs
of his sister's child, might quit its abode--whether in the church
vault or in the unknown world of the departed--and rise before me in
this chamber. I wiped my tears and hushed my sobs, fearful lest any
sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to comfort
me, or elicit from the gloom some haloed face, bending over me with
strange pity. This idea, consolatory in theory, I felt would be
terrible if realised: with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it-
-I endeavoured to be firm. Shaking my hair from my eyes, I lifted
my head and tried to look boldly round the dark room; at this moment
a light gleamed on the wall. Was it, I asked myself, a ray from the
moon penetrating some aperture in the blind? No; moonlight was
still, and this stirred; while I gazed, it glided up to the ceiling
and quivered over my head. I can now conjecture readily that this
streak of light was, in all likelihood, a gleam from a lantern
carried by some one across the lawn: but then, prepared as my mind
was for horror, shaken as my nerves were by agitation, I thought the
swift darting beam was a herald of some coming vision from another
world. My heart beat thick, my head grew hot; a sound filled my
ears, which I deemed the rushing of wings; something seemed near me;
I was oppressed, suffocated: endurance broke down; I rushed to the
door and shook the lock in desperate effort. Steps came running
along the outer passage; the key turned, Bessie and Abbot entered.
"Miss Eyre, are you ill?" said Bessie.
"What a dreadful noise! it went quite through me!" exclaimed Abbot.
"Take me out! Let me go into the nursery!" was my cry.
"What for? Are you hurt? Have you seen something?" again demanded
Bessie.
"Oh! I saw a light, and I thought a ghost would come." I had now
got hold of Bessie's hand, and she did not snatch it from me.
"She has screamed out on purpose," declared Abbot, in some disgust.
"And what a scream! If she had been in great pain one would have
excused it, but she only wanted to bring us all here: I know her
naughty tricks."
"What is all this?" demanded another voice peremptorily; and Mrs.
Reed came along the corridor, her cap flying wide, her gown rustling
stormily. "Abbot and Bessie, I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre
should be left in the red-room till I came to her myself."
"Miss Jane screamed so loud, ma'am," pleaded Bessie.
"Let her go," was the only answer. "Loose Bessie's hand, child:
you cannot succeed in getting out by these means, be assured. I
abhor artifice, particularly in children; it is my duty to show you
that tricks will not answer: you will now stay here an hour longer,
and it is only on condition of perfect submission and stillness that
I shall liberate you then."
"O aunt! have pity! Forgive me! I cannot endure it--let me be
punished some other way! I shall be killed if--"
"Silence! This violence is all most repulsive:" and so, no doubt,
she felt it. I was a precocious actress in her eyes; she sincerely
looked on me as a compound of virulent passions, mean spirit, and
dangerous duplicity.
Bessie and Abbot having retreated, Mrs. Reed, impatient of my now
frantic anguish and wild sobs, abruptly thrust me back and locked me
in, without farther parley. I heard her sweeping away; and soon
after she was gone, I suppose I had a species of fit:
unconsciousness closed the scene.
第二章
我一路反抗,在我,這還是破天荒第一次。于是大大加深了貝茜和艾博特小姐對(duì)我的惡感。我確實(shí)有點(diǎn)兒難以自制,或者如法國(guó)人所說(shuō),失常了。我意識(shí)到,因?yàn)橐粫r(shí)的反抗,會(huì)不得不遭受古怪離奇的懲罰。于是,像其他造反的奴隸一樣,我橫下一條心,決計(jì)不顧一切了。
“抓住她的胳膊,艾博特小姐,她像一只發(fā)了瘋的貓。”
“真丟臉!真丟臉!”這位女主人的侍女叫道,“多可怕的舉動(dòng),愛(ài)小姐,居然打起小少爺來(lái)了,他是你恩人的兒子:你的小主人!”
“主人,他怎么會(huì)是我主人,難道我是仆人不成?”
“不,你連仆人都不如。你不干事,吃白食。喂,坐下來(lái),好好想一想你有多壞。”
這時(shí)候她們已把我拖進(jìn)了里德太太所指的房間,推操到一條矮凳上,我不由自主地像彈簧一樣跳起來(lái),但立刻被兩雙手按住了。
“要是你不安安穩(wěn)穩(wěn)坐著,我們可得綁住你了,”貝茜說(shuō),“艾博特小姐,把你的襪帶借給我,我那付會(huì)被她一下子繃斷的。”
艾博特小姐轉(zhuǎn)而從她粗壯的腿上,解下那條必不可少的帶子。捆綁前的準(zhǔn)備工作以及由此而額外蒙受的恥辱,略微消解了我的激動(dòng)情緒。
“別解啦,”我叫道,“我不動(dòng)就是了。”
作為保證,我讓雙手緊挨著凳子。
“記住別動(dòng),”貝茜說(shuō),知道我確實(shí)已經(jīng)平靜下去,便松了手。隨后她和艾博特小姐抱臂而立,沉著臉,滿(mǎn)腹狐疑地瞪著我,不相信我的神經(jīng)還是正常似的。
“她以前從來(lái)沒(méi)有這樣過(guò),”末了,貝茜轉(zhuǎn)身對(duì)那位艾比蓋爾說(shuō)。
“不過(guò)她生性如此,”對(duì)方回答,“我經(jīng)常跟太太說(shuō)起我對(duì)這孩子的看法,太太也同意。這小東西真狡猾,從來(lái)沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)像她這樣年紀(jì)的小姑娘,有那么多鬼心眼的。”
貝茜沒(méi)有搭腔,但不一會(huì)便對(duì)我說(shuō):
“小姐,你該明白,你受了里德太太的恩惠,是她養(yǎng)著你的。要是她把你趕走,你就得進(jìn)貧民院了。”
對(duì)她們這番活,我無(wú)話(huà)可說(shuō),因?yàn)槁?tīng)起來(lái)并不新鮮。我生活的最早記憶中就包含著類(lèi)似的暗示,這些責(zé)備我賴(lài)別人過(guò)活的話(huà),己成了意義含糊的老調(diào),叫人痛苦,讓人難受,但又不太好懂。艾博特小姐答話(huà)了:
“你不能因?yàn)樘眯陌涯阃锏滦〗愫蜕贍斠粔K撫養(yǎng)大,就以為自己與他們平等了。他們將來(lái)會(huì)有很多很多錢(qián),而你卻一個(gè)子兒也不會(huì)有。你得學(xué)謙恭些,盡量順著他們,這才是你的本份。”
“我們同你說(shuō)的全是為了你好,”貝茜補(bǔ)充道,口氣倒并不嚴(yán)厲,“你做事要巴結(jié)些,學(xué)得乖一點(diǎn),那樣也許可以把這當(dāng)個(gè)家住下去,要是你意氣用事,粗暴無(wú)禮,我敢肯定,太太會(huì)把你攆走。”
“另外,”艾博特小姐說(shuō),“上帝會(huì)懲罰她,也許會(huì)在她耍啤氣時(shí),把她處死,死后她能上哪兒呢,來(lái),貝茜,咱們走吧,隨她去。反正我是無(wú)論如何打動(dòng)不了她啦。愛(ài)小姐,你獨(dú)個(gè)兒呆著的時(shí)候,祈禱吧。要是你不懺悔,說(shuō)不定有個(gè)壞家伙會(huì)從煙囪進(jìn)來(lái),把你帶走。”
她們走了,關(guān)了門(mén),隨手上了鎖。
紅房子是間空余的臥房,難得有人在里面過(guò)夜。其實(shí)也許可以說(shuō),從來(lái)沒(méi)有。除非蓋茨黑德府上偶而擁進(jìn)一大群客人時(shí),才有必要?jiǎng)佑萌糠块g。但府里的臥室,數(shù)它最寬敞、最堂皇了。—張紅木床赫然立于房間正中,粗大的床柱上,罩著深紅色錦緞帳幔,活像一個(gè)帳篷。兩扇終日窗簾緊閉的大窗,半掩在清一色織物制成的流蘇之中。地毯是紅的,床腳邊的桌子上鋪著深紅色的臺(tái)布,墻呈柔和的黃褐色,略帶粉紅。大櫥、梳妝臺(tái)和椅子都是烏黑發(fā)亮的紅木做的。床上高高地疊著褥墊和枕頭,上面鋪著雪白的馬賽布床罩,在周?chē)钌{(diào)陳設(shè)的映襯下,白得眩目。幾乎同樣顯眼的是床頭邊一把鋪著坐墊的大安樂(lè)椅,一樣的白色,前面還放著一只腳凳,在我看來(lái),它像一個(gè)蒼白的寶座。
房子里難得生火,所以很冷;因?yàn)檫h(yuǎn)離保育室和廚房,所以很靜;又因?yàn)檎l(shuí)都知道很少有人進(jìn)去,所以顯得莊嚴(yán)肅穆。只有女傭每逢星期六上這里來(lái),把一周內(nèi)靜悄悄落在鏡子上和家具上的灰塵抹去。還有里德太太本人,隔好久才來(lái)一次,查看大櫥里某個(gè)秘密抽屜里的東西。這里存放著各類(lèi)羊皮文件,她的首飾盒,以及她已故丈夫的肖像。上面提到的最后幾句話(huà),給紅房子帶來(lái)了一種神秘感,一種魔力,因而它雖然富麗堂皇,卻顯得分外凄清。
里德先生死去已經(jīng)九年了,他就是在這間房子里咽氣的,他的遺體在這里讓人瞻仰,他的棺材由殯葬工人從這里抬走。從此之后,這里便始終彌漫著一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍,所以不常有人闖進(jìn)來(lái)。
里德先生死去已經(jīng)九年了,他就是在這間房子里咽氣的,他的遺體在這里讓人瞻仰,他的棺材由殯葬工人從這里抬走。從此之后,這里便始終彌漫著一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍,所以不常有人闖進(jìn)來(lái)。
貝茜和刻薄的艾博特小姐讓我一動(dòng)不動(dòng)坐著的,是一條軟墊矮凳,擺在靠近大理石壁爐的地方。我面前是高聳的床,我右面是黑漆漆的大櫥,櫥上柔和、斑駁的反光,使鑲板的光澤搖曳變幻。我左面是關(guān)得嚴(yán)嚴(yán)實(shí)實(shí)的窗子,兩扇窗子中間有一面大鏡子,映照出床和房間的空曠和肅穆。我吃不準(zhǔn)他們鎖了門(mén)沒(méi)有,等到敢于走動(dòng)時(shí),便起來(lái)看個(gè)究竟。哎呀,不錯(cuò),比牢房鎖得還緊吶。返回原地時(shí),我必須經(jīng)過(guò)大鏡子跟前。我的目光被吸引住了,禁不住探究起鏡中的世界來(lái)。在虛幻的映像中,一切都顯得比現(xiàn)實(shí)中更冷落、更陰沉。那個(gè)陌生的小家伙瞅著我,白白的臉上和胳膊上都蒙上了斑駁的陰影,在—切都凝滯時(shí),唯有那雙明亮恐懼的眼睛在閃動(dòng),看上去真像是一個(gè)幽靈。我覺(jué)得她像那種半仙半人的小精靈,恰如貝茵在夜晚的故事中所描繪的那樣,從沼澤地帶山蕨叢生的荒谷中冒出來(lái),現(xiàn)身于遲歸的旅行者眼前。我回到丁我的矮凳上。
這時(shí)候我相信起迷信來(lái)了,但并沒(méi)有到了完全聽(tīng)?wèi){擺布的程度,我依然熱血沸騰,反叛的奴隸那種苦澀情緒依然激勵(lì)著我。往事如潮、在我腦海中奔涌,如果我不加以遏制,我就不會(huì)對(duì)陰暗的現(xiàn)實(shí)屈服。
約翰.里德的專(zhuān)橫霸道、他姐妹的高傲冷漠、他母親的厭惡、仆人們的偏心,像一口混沌的水井中黑色的沉淀物,一古腦兒泛起在我煩惱不安的心頭。
為什么我總是受苦,總是遭人白眼,總是讓人告狀,永遠(yuǎn)受到責(zé)備呢?為什么我永遠(yuǎn)不能討人喜歡?為什么我盡力博取歡心,卻依然無(wú)濟(jì)于事呢?伊麗莎自私任性,卻受到尊敬;喬治亞娜好使性子,心腸又毒,而且強(qiáng)詞奪理目空一切,偏偏得到所有人的縱容。她的美貌,她紅潤(rùn)的面頰,金色的卷發(fā),使得她人見(jiàn)人愛(ài),一俊便可遮百丑。至于約翰,沒(méi)有人同他頂撞,更不用說(shuō)教訓(xùn)他了,雖然他什么壞事都干:捻斷鴿子的頭頸,弄死小孔雀,放狗去咬羊,采摘溫室中的葡萄,掐斷暖房上等花木的嫩芽。有時(shí)還叫他母親“老姑娘”,又因?yàn)樗つw黝黑像他自己而破口大罵。他蠻橫地與母親作對(duì),經(jīng)常撕毀她的絲綢服裝,而他卻依然是“她的寶貝蛋”。而我不敢有絲毫閃失,干什么都全力以赴,人家還是罵我淘氣鬼,討厭坯,罵我陰絲絲,賊溜溜,從早上罵到下午,從下午罵到晚上。
我因?yàn)榘ち舜颉⒌私?,頭依然疼痛,依然流著血。約翰肆無(wú)忌憚地打我,卻不受責(zé)備,而我不過(guò)為了免遭進(jìn)一步無(wú)理毆打,反抗了一下,便成了眾矢之的。
“不公呵,不公!”我的理智呼喊著。在痛苦的刺激下我的理智變得早熟,化作了一種短暫的力量。決心也同樣鼓動(dòng)起來(lái),激發(fā)我去采取某種奇怪的手段,來(lái)擺脫難以忍受的壓迫,譬如逃跑,要是不能奏效,那就不吃不喝,活活餓死。
那個(gè)陰沉的下午,我心里多么惶恐不安!我的整個(gè)腦袋如一團(tuán)亂麻,我的整顆心在反抗:然而那場(chǎng)內(nèi)心斗爭(zhēng)又顯得多么茫然,多么無(wú)知?。∥覠o(wú)法回答心底那永無(wú)休止的問(wèn)題——為什么我要如此受苦。此刻,在相隔——我不說(shuō)多少年以后,我看清楚了。
我在蓋茨黑德府上格格不入。在那里我跟誰(shuí)都不像。同里德太太、她的孩子、她看中的家仆,都不融洽。他們不愛(ài)我,說(shuō)實(shí)在我也一樣不愛(ài)他們。他們沒(méi)有必要熱情對(duì)待一個(gè)與自已合不來(lái)的家伙,一個(gè)無(wú)論是個(gè)性、地位,還是嗜好都同他們涇渭分明的異己;一個(gè)既不能為他們效勞,也不能給他們?cè)鎏須g樂(lè)的廢物;一個(gè)對(duì)自己的境界心存不滿(mǎn)而又蔑視他們想法的討厭家伙。我明白,如果我是一個(gè)聰明開(kāi)朗、漂亮頑皮、不好侍候的孩子,即使同樣是寄人籬下,同樣是無(wú)親無(wú)故,里德太太也會(huì)對(duì)我的處境更加寬容忍讓?zhuān)凰暮⒆觽円矔?huì)對(duì)我親切熱情些;傭人們也不會(huì)一再把我當(dāng)作保育室的替罪羊了。
紅房子里白晝將盡。時(shí)候已是四點(diǎn)過(guò)后,暗沉沉的下午正轉(zhuǎn)為凄涼的黃昏。我聽(tīng)見(jiàn)雨點(diǎn)仍不停地敲打著樓梯的窗戶(hù),狂風(fēng)在門(mén)廳后面的樹(shù)叢中怒號(hào)。我漸漸地冷得像塊石頭,勇氣也煙消云 散。往常那種屈辱感,那種缺乏自信、孤獨(dú)沮喪的情緒,澆滅了我將消未消的怒火,誰(shuí)都說(shuō)我壞,也許我確實(shí)如此吧。我不是一心謀劃著讓自己餓死嗎?這當(dāng)然是一種罪過(guò)。而且我該不該死呢?或者,蓋茨黑德教堂圣壇底下的墓穴是個(gè)令人向往的歸宿嗎?聽(tīng)說(shuō)里德先生就長(zhǎng)眠在這樣的墓穴里。這一念頭重又勾起了我對(duì)他的回憶,而越往下細(xì)想,就越害怕起來(lái)。我已經(jīng)不記得他了,只知道他是我舅父——我母親的哥哥——他收養(yǎng)了我這個(gè)襁褓中的孤兒,而且在彌留之際,要里德太太答應(yīng),把我當(dāng)作她自己的孩子來(lái)?yè)狃B(yǎng)。里德太太也許認(rèn)為自己是信守諾言的。而我想就她本性而論,也確是實(shí)踐了當(dāng)初的許諾。可是她怎么能真心喜歡一個(gè)不屬于她家的外姓、一個(gè)在丈夫死后同她已了卻一切干系的人呢?她發(fā)現(xiàn)自己受這勉為其難的保證的約束,充當(dāng)一個(gè)自己所無(wú)法喜愛(ài)的陌生孩子的母親,眼睜睜看著一位不相投合的外人永遠(yuǎn)硬擠在自己的家人中間。對(duì)她來(lái)說(shuō),這想必是件最?lèi)廊说氖虑榱恕?/p>
我忽然閃過(guò)一個(gè)古怪的念頭。我不懷疑—一也從來(lái)沒(méi)有懷疑過(guò)——里德先生要是在世,一定會(huì)待我很好。此刻,我坐著,一面打量著白白的床和影影綽綽的墻,不時(shí)還用經(jīng)不住誘惑的目光,瞟一眼泛著微光的鏡子,不由得憶起了關(guān)于死人的種種傳聞。據(jù)說(shuō)由于人們違背了他們臨終的囑托,他們?cè)趬災(zāi)估锓浅2话玻谑潜阒卦L(fǎng)人間,嚴(yán)懲發(fā)假誓的人,并為受壓者報(bào)仇。我思忖,里德先生的幽靈為外甥女的冤屈所動(dòng),會(huì)走出居所,不管那是教堂的墓穴,還是死者無(wú)人知曉的世界,來(lái)到這間房子,站在我面前。我抹去眼淚,忍住哭泣,擔(dān)心嚎啕大哭會(huì)驚動(dòng)什么不可知的聲音來(lái)?yè)嵛课?,或者在昏暗中召?lái)某些帶光環(huán)的面孔,露出奇異憐憫的神色,俯身對(duì)著我。這念頭聽(tīng)起來(lái)很令人欣慰,不過(guò)要是真的做起來(lái),想必會(huì)非常可怕。我使勁不去想它,抬起頭來(lái),大著膽子環(huán)顧了一下暗洞洞的房間。就在這時(shí),墻上閃過(guò)一道亮光。我問(wèn)自己,會(huì)不會(huì)是一縷月光,透過(guò)百葉窗的縫隙照了進(jìn)來(lái)?不,月光是靜止的,而這透光卻是流動(dòng)的。停晴一看,這光線(xiàn)滑到了天花板上,在我頭頂上抖動(dòng)起來(lái)?,F(xiàn)在我會(huì)很自然地聯(lián)想到,那很可能是有人提著燈籠穿過(guò)草地時(shí)射進(jìn)來(lái)的光。但那會(huì)兒,我腦子里盡往恐怖處去想,我的神經(jīng)也由于激動(dòng)而非常緊張,我認(rèn)為那道飛快掠過(guò)的光,是某個(gè)幽靈從另一個(gè)世界到來(lái)的先兆。我的心怦怦亂跳,頭腦又熱又脹,耳朵里呼呼作響,以為那是翅膀拍擊聲,好像什么東西已經(jīng)逼近我了。我感到壓抑,感到窒息,我的忍耐力崩潰了,禁不住發(fā)瘋似地大叫了一聲,沖向大門(mén),拼命搖著門(mén)鎖。外面?zhèn)兝壬享懫鹆孙w跑而來(lái)的腳步聲,鑰匙轉(zhuǎn)動(dòng)了,貝茜和艾博特走進(jìn)房間。
“??!我看到了一道光,想必是鬼來(lái)了。”這時(shí),我拉住了貝茜的手,而她并沒(méi)有抽回去。
“她是故意亂叫亂嚷的,”艾博特厭煩地當(dāng)著我的面說(shuō),“而且叫得那么兇!要是真痛得厲害,倒還可以原諒,可她只不過(guò)要把我們騙到這里來(lái),我知道她的詭計(jì)。”
“到底是怎么回事?”一個(gè)咄咄逼人的聲音問(wèn)道。隨后,里德太太從走廊里走過(guò)來(lái),帽子飄忽著被風(fēng)鼓得大大的,睡袍悉悉簌簌響個(gè)不停。“艾博特,貝茜,我想我吩咐過(guò),讓簡(jiǎn).愛(ài)呆在紅房子里,由我親自來(lái)過(guò)問(wèn)。”
“簡(jiǎn)小姐叫得那么響,夫人,”貝茵懇求著。
“放開(kāi)她,”這是唯一的回答。“松開(kāi)貝茵的手,孩子。你盡可放心,靠這些辦法,是出不去的,我討厭?;ㄕ?,尤其是小孩子,我有責(zé)任讓你知道,鬼把戲不管用?,F(xiàn)在你要在這里多呆一個(gè)小時(shí),而且只有服服貼貼,一動(dòng)不動(dòng),才放你出來(lái)。”
“啊,舅媽?zhuān)蓱z可憐我吧:饒恕我吧!我實(shí)在受不了啦,用別的辦法懲罰我吧!我會(huì)憋死的,要是——”
“住嘴!這么鬧鬧嚷嚷討厭透了。”她無(wú)疑就是這么感覺(jué)的。在她眼里我是個(gè)早熟的演員,她打心底里認(rèn)為,我是個(gè)本性惡毒、靈魂卑劣、為人陰險(xiǎn)的貨色。
貝茜和艾博特退了出去。里德太太對(duì)我瘋也似的痛苦嚎叫很不耐煩,無(wú)意再往下談了,驀地把我往后一推,鎖上了門(mén)。我聽(tīng)見(jiàn)她堂而皇之地走了。她走后不久,我猜想我便一陣痙攣,昏了過(guò)去,結(jié)束了這場(chǎng)吵鬧。