雅思作文討論型作文分析

這是一位雅思寫(xiě)作考試6.5分的同學(xué)寫(xiě)的作文，應(yīng)該來(lái)說(shuō)，基礎(chǔ)不錯(cuò)，寫(xiě)從句沒(méi)有問(wèn)題。這位同學(xué)的目標(biāo)是，寫(xiě)作想上7分。

看到TA的這篇discuss類(lèi)的文章，很明顯，TA很幸運(yùn)!因?yàn)樯洗慰嫉目隙ú皇莇iscuss類(lèi)型的文章。因?yàn)檫@樣的寫(xiě)法頂多6.0。顯然，TA說(shuō)上次寫(xiě)的是利弊的題目。

先看看學(xué)生原文：

There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings. More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas. Besides, the governments are blessed with sound budget and legal system so that the detailed arrangement cannot be a bother. And this position claims that international cooperation is significantly important to this situation and only by joint effort can pool enough investment and labor force.

However, it is contended by some critics that, to some extent, personal actions are superior to other efforts in dealing with this disturbing problem. In details, the whole perfect plan may turn out to be an empty sheet if the residents do not obey the orders and even keep worsening the environment. So this argument goes on that, it is the individuals’ actions, indeed, that put all theories into practice. So under this circumstance, person should and must play an irreplaceable role in this issue.

具體問(wèn)題如下：

1，典型的傳話(huà)筒文章。中間兩段沒(méi)有自己的態(tài)度。換句話(huà)說(shuō)，雖然考官寫(xiě)的文章在中間段客觀，但是也能看出自己對(duì)雙方的態(tài)度。而這位同學(xué)寫(xiě)的完全看不出來(lái)。

2，中間段拓展方式不對(duì)。沒(méi)有將一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)完全展開(kāi)，而且用了more specifically, in details這些車(chē)轱轆話(huà)。

3，套句明顯：this position claims, so this argument goes on。

4，邏輯方面的連貫不好。關(guān)于邏輯方面，我的具體點(diǎn)評(píng)如下：

比如，There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings(論點(diǎn)：企業(yè)和政府有責(zé)任保護(hù)環(huán)境). More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas.(具體地說(shuō)，他們經(jīng)濟(jì)方面的成功是以環(huán)境為代價(jià)。)Besides，。。。。。。。。。(按照前面兩句所說(shuō)，那么第三句話(huà)就應(yīng)該是：因此企業(yè)不能為了經(jīng)濟(jì)利益而破壞環(huán)境。相反，他們應(yīng)該.....)但是，從besides開(kāi)始TA又重新引入了一個(gè)新的論點(diǎn)。給人感覺(jué)就是一個(gè)都沒(méi)說(shuō)清楚，又弄另一個(gè)去了。