GRE寫作滿分范文五十一

"It is unfortunate that today's educators place so much emphasis on finding out what students want to include in the curriculum and then giving it to them.  It is the educators' duty to determine the curriculum and the students' duty to study what is presented to them." 

There are many school violences in each school.  Those are big problems to our govenment and social.  School violences effect the studying of students.  This is very serious, even some students are nervious to go school.  In fact, the government must give students a clean place to study.  Teachers should help students know it is a duty to study.  So, everyone should face those big problems. 

Do we know what are students' ideas?  Do the educators try to know?  Most educators hope the govenment can give students more and help them more.  These are people's hope.  But it is so unfortunate that students can't have a good place to study.  Also, teachers have to teach the students.  Not that students can know what to study by themself.  In the compus, there are many guys sell the drugs and acohol to younger students.  Why those guys can go into the school?  That is also the main problem. 

When we were little, we didn't know what is correct and what is wrong.  So we lose ourself easily.  At the same time, we need much care from parents and teachers.  So our teachers and parents play the important roles and they own must do better.  Because some students learn some bad habits from their teachers and parents.   

If we want to resolve all the problems, we must face the problems and find out the reasons, then try to resolve them.  We also must care all students.  If we can help them, tring to do our best.  Then, the problems will become less and less.                        

COMMENTARY 

This is a seriously flawed response to the topic.  The writer begins by discussing school violence and the need for a good place to study, parental and teacher influence, and resolution of school problems.  The issue of who should determine the curriculum, teachers or students, is implied but not addressed directly.  In fact, teacher-directed learning seems to be a small point in a series of concerns related to school violence.  The development of a position on the issue is unfocused and disorganized.  Even the example, drug selling, relates to school violence and not to curricular responsibility. 

Language errors are numerous.  Problems with correct use of tense, diction, word order, sentence structure, and subject-verb agreement also interfere with meaning.  Had the writer not included references to teachers helping students know what to study, the essay would probably have received a score of 1 instead of a 2.