GRE寫作滿分范文二十七

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

Computers of all shapes and sizes, p.c.'s, laptops, faxes, phones, the list never ends. All considered by our society as great technological advances. Not many would argue that the development of these tools has not advanced our world in some ways. However they certainly seem to be making our world one in which contact with our fellow man is less and less necessary. Though some may be more comfortable not having to engage in direct contact, it is questionable whether this is beneficial to society as a whole. The very least result could in fact be a very lonely world, but it may result in more significant problems.

Comments:

This response is seriously flawed. The analysis of the issue is extremely limited, and there are serious problems in sentence structure. The writer's position, never clearly stated, seems to be that as a result of technological developments, "contact with our fellow man is less and less necessary." However, the implications of this statement (and others) are never explored or developed. Furthermore, the list of technological advancements does not support or clarify the writer's already tenuously held position. Each new sentence could serve as a springboard to a thoughtful analysis but instead takes the response further from the apparent premise.

This response received a score of 2, not because of language problems, but because reasoning, analysis, and development are extremely thin and insubstantial.