In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.
東方教育點(diǎn)評(píng)：基本切題。但表達(dá)思想不清楚，連貫性差。有較多的嚴(yán)重語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤。具體問(wèn)題剖析：
?。?）各段圍繞中心句論述不深入，沒(méi)有說(shuō)服力。
?。?）銜接不自然，沒(méi)有用適當(dāng)?shù)年P(guān)聯(lián)詞，如第一段幾個(gè)句子之間可以用一些"besides"、"on the other hand"、"furthermore"、"in addition"等。
（3）語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤較多，很多句子不通順，如"In today, many women have a work."應(yīng)改為"Today, many women get a job."(濫用介詞)；"In ancient, women’s position in family is pity"中pity應(yīng)改為pitiful（詞形誤用）等有多處錯(cuò)誤。
例3．（8分段）
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Many Women today are playing an important part at works that was thought only could be done by the men before. For an example. Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.
With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In the world today, more and more women have their own job. They get their own salary, and become more independent from their husband. With the economic situation improved, their family position is improving.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Many husbands only want his wife to stay at home, and do house works or do some shopping. They only want their wife to be a housewife, but not a manager of a company.
東方教育點(diǎn)評(píng)：基本切題。有些地方表達(dá)思想不夠清楚，文字勉強(qiáng)連貫；語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤相當(dāng)多，其中有一些是嚴(yán)重錯(cuò)誤。具體問(wèn)題剖析：
?。?）論證不夠深入，缺少事例，缺少說(shuō)服力。
?。?）文字缺連貫、且顯累贅，如第二段可以把各句再改得簡(jiǎn)練一點(diǎn)并且有適當(dāng)?shù)霓D(zhuǎn)承詞。
?。?）語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤相當(dāng)多，如"For an example"，"Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company."應(yīng)改為"Some women are on longer secretaries in the office, instead, they become managers of the companies."（單復(fù)數(shù)）
例4．（11分段）
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. More and more women go to work to earn money instead of keeping the house or looking after the children. Women have entered many fields of society including scientific field. As we know, many women sports teams have won the world’s champions such as Chinese women’s Volleyball Team.
