雙語對照 ● 倘若鳥兒回還 If It Comes Back
■ 倘若鳥兒回還 If It Comes Back
◎ Charle Eastman
Charles saw them both at the same time: a small white bird and the girl wheeling down the walk. The bird glided downward and rested in the grass; the girl directed the chair smoothly along the sunlit, shadowy walk. She stopped to watch the ducks on the pond and when she shoved the wheels again, Charles stood up. “May I push you?” he called, running across the grass to her. The white bird flew to the top of a tree.
查爾斯是在同一時(shí)刻看到他們的：一只白色的小鳥和坐著輪椅漫步而來的女孩。小鳥向下滑翔而來，棲息在草叢中；女孩則緩緩地駕著輪椅，走在陽光照射下婆娑的樹影間。她停下來看了看池塘里的鴨子，當(dāng)她再次用手推動輪椅時(shí)，查爾斯一下子站了起來?！拔襾硗颇?，好嗎？”他一面喊著，一面穿過草地朝她跑去。那只小白鳥嗖地一下飛上了樹梢。
It was mostly he who talked and he seemed afraid to stop for fear she’d ask him to leave her by herself. Nothing in her face had supported the idea of helplessness conveyed by the wheelchair, and he knew that his assistance[91] was not viewed as a favor. He asked the cause of her handicap.
大多數(shù)時(shí)間都是他在不停地說話，他似乎擔(dān)心話一停，她就會請他離開，好讓她一個人呆著。她的臉上根本看不到任何因?yàn)檩喴味嬖诘臒o助表情，因此他知道，自己的幫助并沒有被看作一種恩惠。他問起了導(dǎo)致她殘疾的原因。
“It was an automobile accident when I was 12,” Amy explained.
“我12歲那年出了一場車禍?！卑捉忉尩?。
They went for lunch, and he would have felt awkward[92] except that she knew completely how to take care of herself.
接著，他們一起去吃了午餐。幸好她能完全自理，不然他可就尷尬了。
“Do you live with someone?” he asked the next day when they met.
第二天見面時(shí)，他問道：“你和什么人住在一起嗎？”
“Just myself,” she answered. Asking the question made him feel uneasy because of his own loneliness even though he was hoping for this answer.
“就我自己?！彼鸬?。盡管這正是他希望得到的答案，但是，提出這個問題還是讓他有些不安，因?yàn)樗约阂策^得很孤獨(dú)。
He came to like to feel the white handles in his grasp, to walk between the two white-rimmed metal wheels. And he grew almost more familiar with the slight wave at the back of her hair than with her eyes or her mouth. Once, he said to the wave at the back of her hair, “I hope I’m the only chair-pusher in your life,” but she had only smiled a little and her eyes had admitted nothing.
他開始喜歡把輪椅的白色手柄握在手里的感覺，喜歡在那兩只鑲有白邊的金屬輪子中間推車行走。他越來越熟悉她那披在身后的、微微起伏的長發(fā)，甚至超過了對她的眼睛和嘴唇的熟悉程度。有一次，他對著她波浪一般起伏的長發(fā)說：“真希望我是你生命中唯一為你推輪椅的人。”但她只是淺淺一笑，眼里沒有任何表示。
She cooked dinner for him once in June. He expected her to be proud of her ability to do everything from her seat in the wheelchair—and was faintly disappointed to see that she would not feel pride at what was, for her, simply a matter of course. He watched his own hand pick up the salt shaker and place it on one of the higher unused shelves, and awaited her plea for[93] assistance. He didn’t know why he’d done it, but the look in her eyes made him realize how cruel his prank was. To make her forget what he’d done, he told her about the little white bird in the park.
6月的時(shí)候，她曾為他做過一頓晚餐。她能坐在輪椅上做任何事情，他以為她會引以為豪——可她僅僅把這當(dāng)作一件理所當(dāng)然的事，并無自豪感可言，這讓他有些失落。他親手拿起鹽瓶，把它放到一塊較高的、不常用的碗柜擱板上，然后等著她請求幫助。他不明白自己為什么要這么做，但她的眼神讓他意識到，他的惡作劇有多么殘酷。為了讓她忘掉自己剛才的愚蠢行為，他跟她說起了公園里的那只小白鳥。
“I’ve seen it, too,” she said. “I read a poem once about a little white bird that came to rest on a windowsill and the lady who lived in the house began to put out food for it. Soon the lady fell in love, but it was a mismatched love. Every day the little bird came to the window and the lady put out food. When the love affair was over, the little white bird never returned, but the woman went on putting out the crumbs every day for years and the wind just blew them away.”
“我也看見過那只小白鳥，”她說，“我曾經(jīng)讀過一首詩，詩中的小白鳥經(jīng)常棲息在一戶人家的窗臺上，女主人開始拿出食物喂它。很快，女主人便愛上了這只鳥兒，可這場愛戀并不般配。小鳥每天飛到窗前，女主人便每天捧出食物。戀情結(jié)束之后，小白鳥一去不復(fù)返，可女主人連著幾年日復(fù)一日地把面包屑放到窗臺上，任風(fēng)把它們吹走?！?
In July he took her boating frequently. The most awkward event, she felt, was getting in and out of the boat. For Charles, however, these “freight[94] handlings,” as she came to call it, seemed to be the highlight of the outings. In the boat she felt helpless, unable to move around, sitting in one spot. Also, she was unable to swim, should the boat turn over. Charles didn’t observe her discomfort; she did note how much he enjoyed being in control. When he called for her one day in early August, she refused to.
7月的時(shí)候，他常常帶她去劃船。最令她尷尬的是，自己只能由查爾斯抱上抱下，她稱這個為“貨物裝卸”。然而，對查爾斯來說，那些時(shí)刻好像就是他們戶外活動最精彩的部分。在船上她感到很無助，沒法四處活動，只能坐在一個地方。而且一旦船翻了，她也不會游泳。查爾斯完全沒注意到她的不安；而她發(fā)現(xiàn)了他是那么喜歡控制別人。8月初的一天，他邀請她去劃船，她拒絕了。
They would, instead, she said, go for a walk in which she would move herself by the strength of her own arms and he would walk beside her.
她建議他們出去散步，這樣她可以憑自己的手臂力量推動輪椅，他就可以走在她的身邊。
“Why don’t you just rest your arms and let me push you?”
“你為什么不讓自己的胳膊休息一下，讓我來推你呢？”
“No.”
“不用?！?
“Your arms will get sore. I’ve been helping you do it for three months now.”
“你的胳膊會酸的，3個月以來一直是我在推你的呀！”
“I wheeled myself for 12 years before you came along.”
“可在你出現(xiàn)之前，我推了自己12年?！?
“But I don’t like having to walk beside you while you push yourself!”
“可我不愿讓你自己推輪椅，而我只是個旁觀者！”
“Do you think I liked sitting helpless in your boat every weekend for the past two months?”
“你以為過去2個月的每個周末，我就喜歡無可奈何地坐在你的船上嗎？”
He never considered this and was shocked into silence. Finally he said quietly, “I never realized that, Amy. You’re in a wheelchair all the time—I never thought you’d mind sitting in the boat. It’s the same thing.”
他一時(shí)間驚訝得說不出話，因?yàn)樗麖奈纯紤]過這點(diǎn)。最后，他平靜地說道：“我從未意識到這一點(diǎn)，艾米。你一直坐在輪椅上——我沒想過你會介意我讓你坐在船上。我以為這是一碼事。”
“It is not the same thing. In this chair, I can move by myself; I can go anywhere I need to go. That boat traps me so I can’t do anything—I couldn’t even save myself if something happened and I fell out.”
“這不是一回事。坐在輪椅上，我還能行動自如，想去哪里就能去哪里；而那條船卻把我困住了，它讓我感到無奈——萬一發(fā)生了意外，我掉進(jìn)水里，我甚至都無法自救。”
“But I’m there. Don’t you think I could save you or help you move or whatever it is you want?”
“可是有我在??！難道你覺得我救不了你，不能幫你活動或是干你任何想干的事嗎？”
“Yes, but Charles—the point is I’ve spent 12 years learning to manage by myself. I even live in a city that’s miles from my family so I’ll have to be independent and do things for myself. Being placed in the boat takes all that I’ve won away from me. Can’t you see why I object to it? I don’t want to feel helpless.”
“你能?？墒牵闋査埂P(guān)鍵是我花了12年的時(shí)間才學(xué)會自理。我甚至搬到離家?guī)子⒗镞h(yuǎn)的城市，就是為了讓自己獨(dú)立，一切都由自己動手。把我放在船上等于剝奪了我所獲得的一切。難道你不明白我為什么反對你那樣做嗎？我不想讓自己感到無助?！?
As they went down the path Charles selfishly only thought of his own needs, finally he lost control and said, “Amy, I need to have you dependent upon me.” He grabbed the wheelchair and pushed her along. She had to let go of the wheels or injure herself. He could not see the anger in her eyes, and it was just as well for it was an anger he would not have understood.
他們沿著小路繼續(xù)往前走著，自私的查爾斯只顧自己的需求，最后他失去了控制，說道：“艾米，我需要你依賴著我。” 他一把抓過輪椅，推著她飛跑起來。無奈，她只好放開輪子，免得傷到自己。他看不到她眼中的憤怒，這樣也好，因?yàn)槟欠N憤怒不是他所能理解的。
She would not answer her telephone the next morning but in his mail that afternoon came an envelope that he knew had come from Amy. The handwriting was not beautiful, but it was without question hers. Inside was only a card on which she had written:
第二天清晨，她沒有接他打來的電話。可下午的時(shí)候，查爾斯收到的信件中有一封信，他知道那一定是艾米寫給自己的。字寫得雖不漂亮，但可以肯定那就是她的筆跡。信封里只有一張卡片，上面寫著：
If you want something badly enough,
如果你渴望愛情，
You must let it go free.
就必須給它自由。
If it comes back to you,
倘若鳥兒回還，
It’s yours.
它就不再飛走。
If it doesn’t,
若它去無影蹤，
You really never had it anyway.
你從未真正擁有。
(Anonymous)
（無名氏）
He ran out of his apartment, refusing to believe that Amy might no longer be in her home. As he was running towards her apartment, he kept hearing a roar in his ears: “You must let it go free; you must let it go free.”
他沖出公寓，不肯相信艾米會搬家。他朝她的公寓狂奔而去，一路上只有一個聲音在他耳邊縈繞：“給它自由；你必須給它自由！”
But he thought: I can’t risk it, she is mine, can’t give her a chance not to belong to me, can’t let her think she doesn’t need me, she must need me. Oh God, I have to have her.
可他心想：我不能冒這個險(xiǎn)，她是我的，我絕不允許她不再屬于我，絕不允許她有不再需要我的想法，她一定需要我。噢，上帝，我必須得到她！
But her apartment was empty. Somehow in the hours overnight, she had packed—by herself—and moved by herself. The rooms were now impersonal; their cold stillness could not respond when he fell to the floor and sobbed.
然而，她的公寓早已人去樓空。她一定是在頭天夜里花了幾個小時(shí)收拾好行李——自己動手——然后離開的。此時(shí)此刻，房間里再也找不到任何生命的氣息。他倒在地板上啜泣，回答他的只有一片陰冷的寂靜。
By the middle of August he had heard nothing from Amy. He went often to the park but avoided looking for the white bird.
到了8月中旬，他依然沒收到艾米的任何消息。他還是常常去公園，但總是刻意地不愿看見那只白色的小鳥。
September came and had almost gone before he finally received a letter. The handwriting was without question hers. The postmark was that of a city many miles distant. He tore open the envelope and at first thought it was empty. Then he noticed a single white feather had fallen from it. In his mind, the white bird rose in flight and its wings let fly one feather. Were it not for the feather, no one would have known that the white bird had ever been. Thus he knew Amy would not be back, and it was many hours before he let the feather drop out of his hand.
來也匆匆去也匆匆的9月，他終于收到了一封熟悉的來信，毫無疑問，那就是她的筆跡。郵戳表明這封信來自另一個遙遠(yuǎn)的城市。他撕開信封，最初以為里面什么也沒有，后來才發(fā)現(xiàn)那根從信封中飄落的潔白羽毛。他的腦海里浮現(xiàn)出那只小白鳥，它展翅高飛，一片羽毛從它的翅膀上飄落。若不是小白鳥離去時(shí)留下了這片羽毛，試問有誰會知道它曾經(jīng)來過呢？于是，他終于明白：艾米再也不會回來了。好幾個鐘頭之后，那根羽毛才從他的手中悄然滑落。
