(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:初戀 First Love

First Love

初　戀

◎ Zhou Zuoren

◎　周作人

I was then 14, and she about 13. I was living with grandpa's concubine Song in our temporary home in Hua-Pai-Lou, Hangzhou. The little girl was our next-door neighbour Yao's daughter. She had originally been the daughter of a Yang family in Qing-Bo-Men-Tou. As she was the third child of the family, people often called her San-Gu-Niang⑩. The old Yaos had no children of their own, so they took her as their goddaughter. Hence she put up with the Yaos for more than 20 days per month. Though Concubine Song was very friendly with the daughter-in-law of a distant neighbour named Shi, who owned a mutton shop, she was not on speaking terms with old Mrs. Yao next-door. San-Gu-Niang, however, didn't care about all that. She would push our door open and enter to have fun. She would first go upstairs to have a little chat with Concubine Song, and then, after coming downstairs, stand beside the wooden table, which I used to share with our servant Ruan Sheng, to watch me practising handwriting after a wood-cut copybook for calligraphy by Lu Runxiang?, carrying in her arms a big cat named San Hua.

那時(shí)我十四歲，她大約是十三歲吧。我跟著祖父的妾宋姨太太寄寓在杭州的花牌樓①，間壁住著一家姚姓，她便是那家的女兒，她本姓楊，住在清波門頭，大約因?yàn)樾腥冢思液芊Q她作三姑娘。姚家老夫婦沒(méi)有子女，便認(rèn)她做干女兒，一個(gè)月里有二十多天住在他們家里，宋姨太太和遠(yuǎn)鄰的羊肉店石家的媳婦雖然很說(shuō)得來(lái)，與姚宅的老婦卻感情很壞，彼此都不交口，但是三姑娘并不管這些事，仍舊推進(jìn)門來(lái)游嬉。她大抵先到樓上去，同宋姨太太搭訕一回，隨后走下樓來(lái)，站在我同仆人阮升公用的一張板桌旁邊，抱著名叫“三花”的一只大貓，看我映寫陸潤(rùn)庠的木刻的字帖③。

I didn't get into any conversation with her, and nor did I ever dwell my eyes on her face and bearing — perhaps due to my myopia. But there was another reason for it. Though unconsciously attracted by her, I felt meanwhile so overshadowed by her brilliance that I just could't lift my eyes to take a close look at her. As far as I can now remember, she seemed to be a little girl with delicate features, black eyes, slender figure and small feet, and have nothing especially appealing. But she was the first person of the opposite sex that had caught my notice. The first person that had made me love somebody else as much as myself. The first person that had made me sexually aware. The first person that had aroused my adoration for the opposite sex.

我不曾和她談過(guò)一句話，也不曾仔細(xì)的看過(guò)她的面貌與姿態(tài)④。大約我在那時(shí)已經(jīng)很是近視，但是還有一層緣故，雖然非意識(shí)的對(duì)于她很是感到親近，一面卻似乎為她的光輝所掩，抬不起眼來(lái)去端詳她了。在此刻回想起來(lái)，仿佛是一個(gè)尖面龐⑤，烏眼睛，瘦小身材，而且有尖小的腳的少女，并沒(méi)有什么殊勝的地方，但在我的性的生活里總是第一個(gè)人⑥，使我于自己以外感到對(duì)于別人的愛著，引起我沒(méi)有明了的性之概念的，對(duì)于異性的戀慕的第一個(gè)人了。

Of course I knew then I was nothing but an "Ugly Duckling", but that didn't damp down my passion. Whenever she came to watch me practise calligraphy with the cat in her arms, I would hearten up unwittingly and go about my job with redoubled effort and inexplicable joy in my heart. I didn't bother whether she loved me or not, and nor did I know whether I myself was in love with her or not. Nevertheless, when she was around, I felt happy and desired to do all I could for her. That was my real state of mind, and that was also something bestowed on me by her. I didn't know how she felt, but as for me, it was just a feeling of adoration, and there was no thought of anything having to do with sexual relations at all. One evening, Concubine Song suddenly burst into another fit of abuse at the Yaos and ended it up with,

我在那時(shí)候當(dāng)然是“丑小鴨”，自己也是知道的，但是終不以此而減滅我的熱情。每逢她抱著貓來(lái)看我寫字，我便不自覺(jué)的振作起來(lái)，用了平常所無(wú)的努力去映寫，感著一種無(wú)所希求的迷蒙的喜樂(lè)。并不問(wèn)她是否愛我，或者也還不知道自己是愛著她，總之對(duì)于她的存在感到親近喜悅，并且愿為她有所盡力，這是當(dāng)時(shí)實(shí)在的心情，也是她所給我的賜物了。在她是怎樣不能知道，自己的情緒大約只是淡淡的一種戀慕，始終沒(méi)有想到男女關(guān)系的問(wèn)題。有一天晚上，宋姨太太忽然又發(fā)表對(duì)于姚姓的憎恨⑦，末了說(shuō)道：

That Goddam Ah San?! She's no good either. She's sure to end up a whore some day in Gong-Chen-Qiao.?

“阿三那小東西⑧，也不是好貨，將來(lái)總要流落到拱辰橋去做婊子的。”

I didn't quite understand what was meant by becoming a whore. However, I said to myself, "If she should really be reduced to a whore, I'll definitely come to her rescue."

我不很明白做婊子這些是什么事情，但當(dāng)時(shí)聽了心里想道：“她如果真是流落做了，我必定去救她出來(lái)。”

More than six months went by. In July or August of that year, I left Hangzhou for home to see my ailing mother. One month later, Servant Ruan Sheng incidentally paid me a visit while he was on leave. In referring to the state of affairs in Hua-Pai-Lou, he said,

大半年的光陰這樣的消費(fèi)過(guò)了。到了七八月里因?yàn)槟赣H生病，我便離開杭州回家去了。一個(gè)月以后，阮升告假回去，順便到我家里，說(shuō)起花牌樓的事情，說(shuō)道：

San-Gu-Niang of the Yang family died of cholera.

“楊家的三姑娘患霍亂死了。”

I, too, felt very sad, picturing in my mind her tragic death, but, meanwhile, somehow remained very calm like a big stone weighing on my heart had been removed.

我那時(shí)也很覺(jué)得不快，想象她的悲慘的死相，但同時(shí)卻又似乎很是安靜，仿佛心里有一塊大石頭已經(jīng)放下了⑨。

周作人（1885—1968），號(hào)知堂，原籍浙江紹興，是現(xiàn)代散文家?！冻鯌佟肥撬脑缙谛∑罚瑢懹?922年9月。作者當(dāng)時(shí)的小品散文大多情懷平淡、閑適，取材瑣碎，文字質(zhì)樸，獨(dú)成一派?！冻鯌佟肥欠从尺@種情調(diào)與風(fēng)格的代表作之一。