成長(zhǎng)的煩惱第三季Growing Pains 307
Jason: Maggie! I hate crossword puzzles. As much today as when we first got married. No,
no, “hate” isn’t strong enough. I loathe them.
Maggie: Loathe! That’s it! Thanks.
Jason: Don’t mention it.
Maggie: Ok, the Indian sidekick of TV’s Yancy Derringer.
Jason: No.
Maggie: Eleven letters.
Jason: No, no, no, no, no. [Mumbles]
Maggie: What?
Jason: Pokohatiwah. That means, “Wolf who stands in water.” And you would know these
things if you didn’t spend all day on cross word puzzles.
Ben: I got a part! I got a part! I got a part!
Maggie: Ben! Calm down. What are you talking about?
Ben: The high school play that Carol’s drama club is doing. I just went to the auditions with
her and they needed a kid and I got the part!
Maggie: Oh, congratulations, pumpkin!
Jason: Yea, that’s quite a coup, Ben! Getting into the high school play from the sixth grade!
Ben: Want to hear my part?
Maggie: Well, of course! Wait. Let me get comfortable.
Jason: Yep, yep. Ok, me too. Here we go. Alright.
Ben: ‘Morning. Do you want your paper now?’ Well?
Jason: That was terrific, Ben!
Maggie: Oh, it sure was!
Ben: And I haven’t even had any rehearsals yet, either. Just you wait.
Jason: I don’t know if I can.
Ben: ‘Morning. Do you want you paper now?’ ‘Morning. Do you want your paper now?’
Maggie: Sweetheart, what’s wrong?
Carol: The drama club auditions today were a complete disaster. Not only did I not get the
lead because of Monica Shakelford called in a few favors, leaving me with a crummy little
inky-dinky part, and now the whole show is…
Maggie: Take a deep breath, Carol.
Carol: Ruined.
Maggie: Why?
Carol: Why? Because who do you think got the romantic lead?
Mike: A star is born.
[Next scene]
Mike: Hey, let’s face it, Carol. I was the best person to audition for the part.
Carol: Mike, you were the only person.
Mike: What about Joey Scoffengerio?
Carol: Joey Scoffengerio auditioned in a full body cast.
Mike: Ok, who’s the best person for the part? Who didn’t have to be carried on stage?
Carol: See? He doesn’t care one iota about this play.
Maggie: Yea, Mike. Since when did you get interested in school plays?
Jason: Or school period.
Carol: Since he found out Monica Shakelford was the leading lady.
Maggie and Jason: Ohh.
Mike: Monica who?
Carol: Monica “draws a whole crowd in her gym shorts” Shakelford?
Mike: Oh, yes, yes. Monica. Healthy young adult.
Maggie: Mike if you’re going to get involved in something like the school play you should be
doing it for yourself. Not for some girl. This isn’t right.
Jason: It’s true, Mike.
Mike: Dad, you have not seen Monica.
Jason: Yea. I mean, yea. You know, if you’re just doing this to get next to some girl. That
certainly isn’t fair to the other kids who really care about the play.
Mike: Oh, come on, Dad. This is just acting. Any fool can do that. You just put some goop on
your face and you say some junk that some stupid writer wrote.
Carol: Stupid writer? Mike this is “Our Town” by Thornton Wilder, an American genius.
Mike: So, it’s got big words. Big deal.
[Next scene]
Mike: Emily, I’m going to make up my mind right now. I won’t go. I’ll tell Paul about it tonight.
Boner: Why, George. I don’t see why you have to…
Mike: Bone. What’re you doing?
Boner: I’m helping you learn your part.
Mike: Just stick to your lines, ok?
Boner: Why, George, I don’t see why you have to decide right now.
Carol: Boner’s playing Emily? How perfect.
Mike: Oh, yea? Well, I can think of a lot of uglier leading ladies, Carol.
Boner: Yea. Wait, I don’t think I like that.
Mike: Boner, come on. I want Monica to think that I have done some work on this, ok?
Boner: You know, maybe the point of this play stuff is just to get to wear makeup and tights.
Mike: What? Are you kidding? I have got the hottest Hooterette at Dewey High coming to my
house tonight. This acting stuff is great.
[Next scene]
Mike: Uh, Emily, from my window up there I can just see your head nights when you’re doing
your homework.
Monica: Why, can you?
Mike: Yea, you certainly do stick to it Emily. I guess you must like school.
Monica: Mike, use what you’re feeling.
Mike: Uh, you mean like what I’m feeling right now?
Monica: Yea, go with the moment. Let’s see where were we. Um, It passes the time.
Mike: Uh, well, Emily, what do you think? We might work out a kind of telegraph from your
window to mine. And once in a while, you could give me a kind of hint or two about one of
those, uh…
Monica: That was great!
Mike: Thank you.
Monica: No, I mean you were so into character; you just forgot the words and kissed me.
Spontaneously.
Mike: Yup, yea, that’s what I did alright.
Monica: That is a wonderful use of your instrument.
Mike: Uh, well, uh, listen. I gotta warn you this may happen again.
Monia: Oh, no, ‘cause see it’s not in the script.
[Next scene]
Mike: Hey, how about we go over that kissing scene on more time?
Monica: We don’t have our scripts.
Mike: Eh, we can fake it.
Jason: Kind of late for a school night isn’t it?
Mike: Uh, yea, yea, but listen I wasn’t out having fun I was rehearsing with Monica.
Jason: Carol and Ben got home two hours ago.
Mike: Well, not all rehearsing takes place in that auditorium.
Jason: Well, where did this one take place?
Mike: Uh, well, where really isn’t important Dad. See, what’s important is that we explored the
subtext and the internal rhythms of the…
Jason: Where, Mike?
Mike: In my car.
Jason: Mike, I don’t know, but don’t you suppose maybe you and Monica are spending a little
too much time exploring the subtext and not quite enough time on the text?
Mike: Huh?
Jason: Well, Carol says you haven’t even memorized your lines yet. Come on, Mike, don’t you
want to try? Wouldn’t you like to be really good at something? There’s more to life, Mike, than
making time with girls.
Mike: Oh, come on, Dad. Monica and I have not even been out on a date, yet.
Jason: You’ve been with her every night for the past two weeks.
Mike: Dad, I certainly do not call parking with a girl on a lonely dirt road a date.
[Next scene]
Mike: Uh, I was, yesterday I was waiting for you over by the wall and, um, you…
Monica: Walked.
Mike: You walked, you walked home…
Monica: You really should know this by now.
Teacher: Time out! That’s it, Seaver. Read my lips. We open tomorrow night. There are going
to be a thousand people filling these seats.
Mike: A thousand people?
Teacher: That’s right, chucklehead. Maybe you don’t mind them laughing at you but I certainly
don’t want them laughing at me. I’m a sensitive artist. Alright, everybody take five. Oh, look
Seaver. I ‘m sorry I yelled at you but I’ve been a little bit nervous. I never directed a play
before and there’s a lot of people on the Hooter faculty who’d like to see the old coach fall on
his kiester with this one. They think I got no business messing with arts. But I’m going to
prove them wrong. Give it all you got, kid.
Mike: A thousand people?
[Next scene]
Mike: Emily, if I do improve and make a big change, then would you be, I mean could you be…
There how was that?
Boner: You never been better.
Mike: Oh, gosh. That is it. I’m dead. I’m two hours away from total public humiliation and
everybody’s right. I’m a goof off, a bozo, and a loser.
Boner: Hey, who isn’t?
Carol: Mike, we should leave soon. We have to backstage by seven.
Mike: No, we don’t have to leave for another five…
Carol: Oh, funny, Mike. Real funny. But we’ll see who’s laughing tonight.
Mike: Oh, Bone. How did I get myself into this?
Boner: You’re stupid.
Mike: What’re you so calm for, you know? I mean, if there’s anyone who’s worse off than me,
it’s you. It’s always you.
Boner: Not this time.
Mike: What?
Boner: Hey, I was scared I would forget my lines, too. Then I came up with my brilliant plan.
See this? I got all my lines recorded on it. So if I forget them, all I have to do is play the tape
real loud and move my lips to it. I got the idea from watching “Put It On the Hits.”
Recorder: Testing. One. Two. Three. Four. Here we go!
Boner: What do you think?
Mike: You know, Bone, you get more and more strange every year.
Boner: Thanks.
Mike: I mean, I wouldn’t even have to go on if I was hurt or something. Hey! Hey, that’s it!
Bone, oh, oh, great! Um, ok, just as we’re starting to leave, I’m going to fall down the stairs
and fake a broken leg. Yea, Bone you’ll be my witness, ok? What do you say?
Recorder: Well, I don’t have to tell you that we are run by a board of select men.
Mike: Oh, Would you turn that thing off?
Recorder: …At the age of 21. Women vote in the…
Jason: Is your voice coming from your armpit?
Boner: Yea! Hey, I’ll meet you in the car, ok?
Mike: Ok.
Jason: Good luck, Boner.
Boner: Hey, I don’t need luck.
Maggie: Mike, before you leave, we just wanted you to know that we love you and we’re not
expecting much.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: No, no, no. I didn’t mean it. I just meant, don’t despair, a miracle could happen. No,
wait.
Jason: We’re behind you, Mike.
Maggie: As soon as you step out on that stage you won’t have time to be nervous. All that will
matter is those hundreds of people, sitting in the audience, hanging on your every word.
Mike: Oh, no.
Jason: Mike, look, before we completely undermine your confidence, I want you to know your
mom and I are going to be there, we’re going to be rooting for you.
Mike: Well, see I don’t know, Dad, see, just now when I was coming down the stairs I kind of…
Carol: Mike, we have to go.
Jason: Carol, I just want you to know…
Carol: I know. You’re proud of me, but the truth is it’s a stinking little part and you’re only
going because you think you have to go, so let’s go.
Maggie: Honey, go get dressed, we don’t want to be late.
Jason: See you after the show, Mike.
Mike: Speaking of the show, you know, I don’t know, I just kind of, um…
Jason: Hey, Ben!
Ben: Morning. Do you want your paper now?
Jason: Break a leg, Mike!
[Next scene]
Barry: Five minutes! Five minutes to curtain!
Teacher: Alright, I got a few last minute blocking changes here for you ok? Ritchie, page 17 I
want you to head out towards the trellis here and buttonhook right. Carol, I want you to lead
the schoolchildren in a wedge up the middle here, clearing the whole left side, for Debbie and
Shelly’s entrance. You got that?
[Everybody starts talking at once]
Teacher: Alright, alright, forget all that! Just go out there and kick them in the, uh… Grab ‘em
by the… Just go out there and act your fannies off ok?
Barry: Four minutes and twenty seconds! Four minutes and twenty seconds!
Mike: Yo, yo, Barry my man!
Barry: What?
Mike: Listen, you, you’ve been to all the rehearsals, right? So you probably know everybody’s
part by heart.
Barry: Why?
Mike: Well, I’m just curious.
Barry: Oh.
Mike: So, so, this means that you could probably, like, go on for any of us, even, uh, say, uh,
me, if like, uh, the last minute there was some… I guess that’s a no.
[Next scene]
Jason: Ben Seaver makes his debut at the Dewey Greasepaint Society, after appearances on
Air wolf, Pee Wee’s Playhouse and the Cosby Show?
Maggie: All actors lie about their credits. Oh, Jason, what’s the penalty for setting off a false
fire alarm?
Jason: Why?
Maggie: I’m worried about Mike making a fool out of himself.
Jason: Honey, there’s no need to disrupt the play with any false fire alarms. I’m fully prepared
to faint.
Student: The name of the town is Grover’s Corners, New Hampshire. Just across the
Massachusetts line. The first act shows a day in our town. The time is just before dawn. The
sky is beginning to show some streaks of light over in the east there. The morning star always
gets…
[Next scene]
Student: I wash and iron the blue thing for you special.
Carol: But, Ma, I hate that dress.
Student: Oh, hush up with you!
Teacher: Good thing I had her go long there.
Narrator: Mr. Webb is publisher and editor of The Corner Sentinel, that’s our local paper, you
know.
Boner: Well, I don’t have to tell you that we are run by a board of select men. All men vote at
the age of… of…
Recorder: Well, I don’t have to tell you that we are run by a board of select…
Ben: Morning. You want your paper now?
[Next scene]
Ben: Morning. Do you want your, um, your elbow now?
Maggie and Jason: Paper! Ben! Paper!
Student: Yes, I’d love my paper now!
Teacher: Yo, Seaver, you’re on. So far we got a hit on our hands. Screw up and you’re a dead
man. Have fun with it.
Monica: [whispers] Hello, Emily.
Mike: Uh, hello, Emily.
Monica: Oh, hello.
Mike: You know, you made a fine speech in class yesterday.
Monica: Well, I was really ready to make a speech about the Monroe Doctrine, but at the last
minute Ms. Cochran made me talk about the Louisiana Purchase instead. I worked an awful
long time on both of them.
Mike: You know, I can just see your head nights when you’re doing your homework.
Monica: Why, can you?
Mike: You certainly do stick to it, Emily. I guess you must like school.
Monica: Well, I feel it’s something you have to go through.
Mike: Yea.
Monica: It passes the time.
Mike: You know, Emily, maybe we could work out a kind of telegraph from your window to
mine? And every once in a while, you could maybe give me a hint or two about one of those
algebra problems? Not the answer, but just some little hint?
Jason: Maggie, he’s…
Maggie: Great.
Monica: Well, I think it’s awfully important, too.
Mike: Emily?
Monica: Yes, George?
Mike: If I do improve and make a big change, would you be, I mean, could you be…
Monica: I am now. I always have been.
Mike: So I guess this is as pretty important talk we’ve been having.
Monica: Yes. Yes.
Mike: You just wait here a minute and I’ll walk you home, ok?
Jason: That’s my boy! My son right up there! Come on!
[Next scene]
Carol: Mike, you were so good! I can’t believe it!
Mike: Was I?
Carol: Yea, and it really gets me tense, too.
Monica: Hey! Why were you holding back so much at all the rehearsals?
Mike: I don’t know.
Monica: Why didn’t you tell me?
Mike: I don’t know.
Monica: Mike, um, are you going to the cast party later?
Mike: I don’t know.
Maggie: There’s Carol!
Jason: Honey, you were wonderful!
Carol: Oh, well, thanks. Well, excuse me, but I got to go take off my freckles. Bye!
Maggie: And oh, there’s Ben!
Jason: Hey! My paper boy!
Maggie: Oh, gosh, Ben, you were terrific!
Ben: Are you kidding? I messed up.
Carol: Oh, really? Well, we didn’t notice a thing, right, honey?
Jason: No.
Ben: Well, I did try to cover.
Jason: And you did a masterful job at it.
Ben: Oh!
Jason: So, uh, where’s our other star?
Ben: What other star?
[Next scene]
Jason: Mike! What are you doing out here? We’ve been looking all over for you!
Mike: Hi.
Maggie: Everybody’s talking about you!
Jason: You were the hit of the show!
Maggie: I knew you could do it!
Mike: I didn’t.
Jason: Big night for you, huh?
Mike: Yea, I guess.
Maggie: What’s the matter, Mike?
Mike: Can I ask you guys something?
Jason: Sure.
Mike: Was I really good?
Jason: Yes!
Maggie: Yes!
Mike: No, I mean, really, really good?
Jason: Mike, I’ve never been more proud of you than I am tonight.
Mike: It’s kind of scary. See, I don’t know, I’ve never really felt like this before. See, I usually
don’t try that hard at being good at things because… I just don’t. But, um, I mean, just
between you and me, in a lot of things I kind of just goof off a little bit.
Maggie: What?
Jason: No…
Mike: Yea, yea. But see, tonight, it was different. When I stepped out on that stage, I totally
forgot that you guys were even out there. And about everything that was going wrong. And
forgot about Boner’s stupid tape recorder. I just felt like this guy named George in this little
town. It was easy.
Jason: Being good at something is fun, Mike.
Mike: Is this what you meant all those times that you said that I should find something that
I’m good at and do it?
Jason: Kind of.
Maggie: Exactly.
Mike: I was ok, wasn’t I?
Maggie: You should go inside, Mike. There’s a lot of people waiting to see you.
Mike: You guys go ahead in. I need a minute, ok?
Maggie: My baby.
Jason: I’m Jason Seaver! I’m Mike’s father!
Mike: Me, good at something. Who knew?
