老友記第五季The One With The Ride Along

各位聽好明天是愛米麗再婚的日子我們要盡可能采取一切手段轉(zhuǎn)移羅斯的注意力好點(diǎn)子嘿，伙計(jì)們想想看，愛米麗明天就要結(jié)婚了噢，羅斯!看，看!什么？看哪？就在那里!那里看，看!叫我看什么？你們倒是幫幫忙?。∧菘?，抱歉我昨晚沒來我跟蓋瑞出去了他讓我一起去駕車巡邏我們阻止了罪案的發(fā)生你上了巡邏車？-我也想去巡邏!-我也是-好?。『?，我也去！真的？你行嗎？我行-那很危險(xiǎn)哎，-我喜歡冒險(xiǎn)-好，你們今晚有空嗎-有!今晚？你沒說那是晚上的行動(dòng)很高興你回家了今晚我們終于能夠整理好這些照片了噢，謝天謝地!終于！分門別類假日類、生日類，還有抓拍的照片另外我按照主題，做好了交叉索引例如，查詢： “生日”和“狗”，會(huì)得到152號(hào)照片明白了？噢，是我和拉普喔，我好想念那只狗你也能在”狗和死”這個(gè)目錄下找到它好，多謝！把那盒照片遞給我最后一盒了好抱歉好在你都編過號(hào)了還沒有！我用152號(hào)照片設(shè)計(jì)方案而已！親愛的，沒關(guān)系的我來給你杯飲料？瑪格麗塔酒怎樣？羅斯有攪拌器全搞砸了沒關(guān)系的寶貝我到羅斯那邊取攪拌器-你把調(diào)瑪格麗塔酒的原材料準(zhǔn)備齊全-好的他的鑰匙在抽屜里我還需要一點(diǎn)現(xiàn)金要我去ATM機(jī)取款嗎？不。羅斯房間里總有些零錢的什么？什么什么？我沒拿過！真酷，伙計(jì)你向那家伙施壓的方式太棒了天越來越黑他全招了，你完全制服他了只要說他是受害者他們通常都很多嘴正式到晚上了－蓋瑞，要我去拿點(diǎn)漿果嗎－那叫櫻桃錢德!好，我知道了這里的三明治是最棒的有肉丸子嗎？有融化的芝士和沙司醬呢？有！不許在我車?yán)锍脏蓿媚愕木嚩际俏覀兗{稅人的錢買的你納稅？算了哇，那三明治真的很香我允許你聞了嗎？我不能聞嗎？“色”、“香”、“味”同樣重要！你把好味道全吸跑了我還你一塊三明治有什么了不起想象一下，你最棒的性經(jīng)驗(yàn)－你想到莫妮卡嗎？－是那是怎樣的？請(qǐng)真當(dāng)恐龍！求你“墨西哥制造“誰會(huì)買這樣的東西瑞秋，是我，接電話！怎么了？我這邊材料不夠我需要鹽、特制的瑪格麗塔預(yù)拌汁、龍舌蘭酒我們那邊只有冰而已？－看看他那邊有沒有冰?。媚愫茫_斯我是愛米麗我有點(diǎn)憂傷明天我就要結(jié)婚了也許我要結(jié)婚我一直想著你我不知道我們輕言放棄對(duì)不對(duì)你有想起我嗎？你當(dāng)然不會(huì)想我但假如你想我，今晚給我打電話吧－好，拜拜－哦，天啊接下來我們?nèi)ツ膬海孔C人不回我電話我們就在他回家時(shí)、給他個(gè)驚喜驚、驚喜？我們不會(huì)惹惱什么人吧？別這樣，伙計(jì)你打算在他的律師趕來前，給罪犯施壓?jiǎn)?？他是證人，不是罪犯而且沒有人那樣說話的對(duì)，沒有人那樣說話的－噢，警察先生?。冶饶銈儍蓚€(gè)像警察憑什么？我坐前座，明白嗎？我是蓋瑞的搭檔當(dāng)你說“搭檔”聽起來就不象警察了聽來像同性戀酸葡萄安靜點(diǎn)好嗎？我們?cè)诋?dāng)差好，沒問題－羅斯?。福茨莾?！嘿，蓋瑞。我是誰？打電話回家看著羅斯警官跟訪客一起回來吧發(fā)生了什么沖突？你有想起我嗎？不，你當(dāng)然沒有了但假如你想我今晚打我電話好，再見不！我明白!感謝上帝，你在這里我們要把它刪除掉什么？我們不能那樣做！我們必須刪掉！假如羅斯聽到給她打電話，他們就又在一起了你想這樣嗎？羅斯就再回到她的控制下神經(jīng)病、瘋子愛米麗她還不許他再見你不!噢，不噢，天!他不該再跟她一起我知道，你也知道甚至羅斯也知道但我們沒有權(quán)利去刪掉他的口信我是他妹妹，我愛他我不想看到他受傷那不就給了我控制他的權(quán)力？幫他的權(quán)利？他不需要幫助她很明顯情緒不穩(wěn)她想在婚禮當(dāng)天落跑沒錯(cuò)她竟想把我哥放到為難的境地！他會(huì)怎么做？羅斯會(huì)跑去婚禮現(xiàn)場(chǎng)搞破壞嗎？誰會(huì)那樣做我說的不是那意思不過同樣會(huì)有很多人受牽連她跟他開什么玩笑！你瘋了,抱歉這么說她聽來很傷心聽著 “您的口信已經(jīng)被刪除”不——我們安全了，對(duì)吧？事情不會(huì)更糟了不，不過你提醒我了，簽名吧這是什么？上面說，如果你擦破膝蓋，或者被轟掉腦袋，都不能起訴快！我想簽名他來了他在做什么？他到底在做什么？那是什么？一切都順利吧？出什么事了？他看見我們了。別動(dòng)，別看他!嘿，沒事的只是汽車逆火嘿，瞧你，在保護(hù)你的兄弟你看到了？你看到他的行動(dòng)嗎？-你沒事吧，伙計(jì)？-呃——謝謝，喬伊-哈羅-嗨我們?cè)撟吡瞬?，等等好了不，莫妮卡莫妮卡，我們必須收拾爛攤子我們無能為力，口信已經(jīng)被你刪掉了我們可以轉(zhuǎn)告他如果你想理性處理這事我不跟你爭(zhēng)行嗎？-你想告訴他？盡管去說-我不想介入也許又是愛米麗打來留同樣的口信小羅斯我希望你牢記這感覺活著真幸運(yùn)讓每天的生活更充實(shí)愛自己，好嗎？還有買郵票再見哇！把這條口信播給愛米麗聽麻煩就煙消云散了？對(duì)吧有人要見英雄嗎？約翰格倫來了？不，喬伊是英雄！我們經(jīng)歷了最不平凡的一夜我們?cè)谲嚿系臅r(shí)候-等一下！嗨-嗨好，繼續(xù)我們?cè)谲嚿希又芭椤币宦晿岉憜桃敛活欁陨戆参涞搅宋疑砩衔业奶?是汽車逆火但他不知情對(duì)，我不知情那很可能就是一顆子彈喬，有沒想過加入警隊(duì)？我們需要你這樣的人聽到巨響就撲救！哇，我今晚差點(diǎn)沒命沒錯(cuò)！假如發(fā)生逆火的汽車沖向你的話！我要在羅斯闡述他新發(fā)現(xiàn)的生命的意義之前、趕緊回家我真的發(fā)現(xiàn)了生命的新意義噢，我的天!-你要吃東西嗎？-當(dāng)然你知道嗎？假如現(xiàn)在聽到槍聲，我也會(huì)撲到你身上真的？我們出去走走吧-好-走吧-再見-再見別再嘮叨了我可不想在同一天里救你一命又得教訓(xùn)你一頓你為什么避開我？我去走走在起居室里走動(dòng)走動(dòng)有什么不對(duì)勁嗎？不，我只是累了走累了你在羅斯面前dove!羅斯!就是原因噢，天你討厭羅斯!我不討厭羅斯你討厭他。我救了他，你生我氣。所以這樣你想趕羅斯出局出什么局？不知道，但我不喜歡這樣汽車逆火的時(shí)候你救了羅斯，我很高興但那很可能是顆子彈你沒有想要救我你傷心是因?yàn)槟阋詾槲疫x羅斯而忽略了你不，我知道你能照顧自己的羅斯需要幫助，他不像你一樣street你為羅斯而冒生命危險(xiǎn)，而沒有想到我那就是問題所在不，不是這樣聽著我不是想救羅斯懂嗎？我的三明治在羅斯旁邊明白嗎？我只是想救我的三明治免得它挨槍子？-我知道這不合情理-不合情理？錢德，這是本能!我只是下意識(shí)的那，你為了三明治而冒生命危險(xiǎn)我知道聽來很瘋狂但這是世上最棒的三明治!那你并不是選了羅斯而忽略我當(dāng)然不是。我決不會(huì)那樣你像是我的兄弟-當(dāng)真？-對(duì)！為證明你對(duì)我有多重要給-謝謝-小心，那不是熱狗好吃吧？-恩？-恩！老兄，你還想吃多少？我以為你在想我顯示你對(duì)我有多重要只咬一口Gee-e-e-eez!-嘿-嗨瑞秋，你在這做什么？嘿，知道嗎?你總來我們家!只是a drop in the bucket mister那沒關(guān)系重要的是你在這里你是我朋友而你在這里只是有點(diǎn)可怕羅斯怎么了？今晚發(fā)生了最不可思議的事我的境界提升了我有了接近死亡的經(jīng)歷！發(fā)生什么事了？我們不是跟蓋瑞一起巡邏嗎？有人向我開槍!我們?cè)诟w瑞一起監(jiān)視有人向我開槍!真的？不，是汽車逆火但我以為有人向我開槍然后，瑞秋我生還了!我內(nèi)心充滿了對(duì)生命的敬畏我要享受每一刻抓住每個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)我看待事物從未如此清晰就只因?yàn)槠嚹婊穑繉?duì)了，你在這里干什么／我不知當(dāng)不當(dāng)講，你剛說了要抓住每個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)愛米麗今天給你電話了-你們聊過了？-她留下了口信但被刪除了你的機(jī)器出了問題她說什么？她再婚前的遲疑還有你們的分手是否是個(gè)錯(cuò)誤她想你回電話給她哇我轉(zhuǎn)告你是對(duì)的，對(duì)吧？對(duì)。當(dāng)然好，謝謝為什么這么問？對(duì)不起，因?yàn)橐驗(yàn)樗幌胛一仉娫?？這事不重要，重要的是我是對(duì)的。你自己做決定吧我是對(duì)的你做決定好我想我該給電話愛米麗不，那不是正確的決定不能這樣干羅斯，別這樣!我說那女人只會(huì)讓你痛苦!你真想自討苦吃嗎？聽著要是昨天，我決不會(huì)考慮給她回電話但今天我差點(diǎn)死翹翹，前妻卻恰好來電所以這就意義非凡那不是接近死亡的體驗(yàn)！那根本算不上什么體驗(yàn)！你當(dāng)時(shí)不在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)!也許那就是我該抓牢的機(jī)會(huì)，懂嗎？你知道嗎？也許這不是你該抓牢的機(jī)會(huì)而是暗示你該逃跑-恩？-今天你從死神手里逃脫也許這是你從愛米麗手上逃脫的機(jī)會(huì)有道理因?yàn)槲艺娴南胱プ∶總€(gè)機(jī)會(huì)但我真的不想和她見面或交談這就對(duì)了！對(duì)，也許今天只是——-不回電話日-不回電話日謝謝，瑞秋寶貝，不用謝等一下！留言燈在閃！也許你沒有刪掉小羅斯，是舊口信，不用聽了要聽！莫妮卡在嗎？我要回我的錢你大概要用來買郵票，對(duì)吧蓋瑞有被射中過嗎有過一次險(xiǎn)些他開槍差點(diǎn)傷到自己那可不高明我只想知道自己在子彈飛來時(shí)會(huì)作何反應(yīng)不是汽車逆火，而是真正的槍火比如上戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)什么的我若參戰(zhàn)一定表現(xiàn)杰出！我能當(dāng)個(gè)出色的軍事領(lǐng)袖沒準(zhǔn)我能當(dāng)上將軍什么的，而你們則不行那是先于還是后于你被自己的部隊(duì)射中呢？我知道喬伊?xí)谏⒈永锉Ｗo(hù)我們的假如那散兵坑里堆滿三明治的話對(duì)，三明治英雄！你們都知道，我是個(gè)和平主義者我對(duì)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)沒興趣但若發(fā)生革命我會(huì)消滅你們！留你一個(gè)，喬伊

The One With The Ride Along

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.]

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]

Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.

Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It's called the cherry.

Ross: It's the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what's that like?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]

Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What's up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]

Ross: So where are we going next?

Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!

Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]

Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can't do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.]

Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!

Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What's going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]

Monica: All right, I guess we should go.

Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]

Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?

Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.

Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]

Joey: Dude! How come you took off?

Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!

Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?

Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

End