被銬住的人嘿!! 看我們運氣多好! 特雷蓋說地下室的東西我們隨便拿.等一下.噢,不-不-不,我要劃向遠方!哈?!我們真的要這些生銹的廢物?!免費拿?還有些爆竹呢,沒點過的我們真算得白人垃圾我很絕望嗎?幸好錢德不在這兒, 他總是最絕望的我剛剛告訴我媽我要幫她的晚會準備食物.為什么要這樣做?因為我需要錢,而且我那點僅存的自尊不要也罷這是一件好事.老媽若不是覺得你廚藝精湛才不會雇你呢你犯不著替她說好話,她又聽不見嘿! 你有水果汁嗎?只有泡菜.很有趣. 昨天我在街上碰見喬安娜了.我的老板, 喬安娜? 喔, 很慘吧不, 實際上, 她只是問我是否想一起喝一杯.你沒答應她吧?沒有嘿, 瑞秋.起初我沒答應她在這里做什么?我不能理解!上次你跟她約會以后還說她是個'反應遲鈍的笨女人'好吧, 我過早對她下結(jié)論了現(xiàn)在我跟她可以做進一步的發(fā)展上次我差點被開除. 你必須跟她絕交,立刻!得了吧!我又不是天天有艷遇!通常我都是獨處的錢德!!答應我, 跟她斷交.好吧, 我答應.謝謝.希望你知道,我為了你犧牲巨大她可不光是你的老板而已,了解我的意思吧.耶!抱歉, 我只是了解他的意思.大廚進展如何?非常好, 乳蛋餅已經(jīng)快好了.這是什么? 藍色指甲油?我認為它很可愛.我們發(fā)現(xiàn)你祖母時,她的手就這樣.我想問你一個問題.嗯.為什么你要雇我?理查德德德辦晚會那次,說你的食物非常棒,當然那時你和他睡過.而且我聽說在那個女同性戀的婚禮上你的食物也大受歡迎,我假定你沒和那里的什么人睡過.所以我認為你可能有兩把刷子天啊! 你聽到了嗎?她雇我是因為,她認為我很優(yōu)秀.我倒沒聽見.她不是可憐我才雇我的,也不是她想在她的朋友前挑剔我,而是她真的認為我很優(yōu)秀.喔! 如果你是個同性戀就太酷了!下午好, 你是一家之主嗎?啊~你有大百科全書嗎?沒有! 你可以查查分類廣告,賣什么的都有。實際上我不想買書, 我是來賣書的. 我想問你一個問題.朋友們聊天的時候,你是否經(jīng)常頻頻點頭卻不太明白他們在說什么?我告訴你這是違反憲法的.沒錯, 我完全同意.我認為他應獲諾貝爾獎.不!!這就像阿爾岡琴族的小孩兒桌一樣.對不起, 這兩分半鐘你什么也沒有說, 你有興趣嗎?耶! 耶. 進來.這很神秘.什么?你的指甲.我知道, 我從不戴假指甲的.這次是為了不讓我媽抱怨我咬指甲。不, 我的意思是現(xiàn)在你只戴著九個.天啊. 等一下, 剛才還是十個天啊! 它在乳蛋餅里! 天啊!別慌. 我現(xiàn)在就去商店, 我將給你帶回一套新的,神不知鬼不覺, 你看起來依舊完美.哦! 但是他們會吃掉它的, 這才是問題.親愛的, 不要咬你的指甲.好吧, 別驚慌有個乳蛋餅杯里有只我的藍指甲誰都不知道是哪一個杯子發(fā)現(xiàn)指甲就可以贏大獎!我沒驚慌那你為什么笑?沒什么, 這樣你父親輸給我5美元.什么? 你打賭我會掉一個指甲嗎?別傻了. 我打賭我會需要這些冰凍寬面條?嗯.你篤信我會搞砸? “你雇我是因為我很優(yōu)秀”都是假的咯...不-不-不, 那是真的.準備備用食物只是怕你又“很莫尼卡”.你答應過外恩博格教授, 你不再使用這個詞了.親愛的, 來吧, 幽默一點, 你從未有自嘲的風度.沒錯.我媽從沒信任過我!好好笑! 哈-哈-哈-哈.我不覺得好笑.不, 我信任你...不! 你只是有烤寬面條! (鈴響)!報廢的乳蛋餅烤好了.怎么沒有分手的感覺.我們的確分手了. 我很憂傷.好吧.是的.不能等到明天嗎?好吧.難以置信!!謝謝.不, 不, 是我的老板. 我不得不走.好.你做什么?我穿衣服為什么?如果我光溜溜走出去,會有人朝我扔垃圾.等一下. 我想給你看些東西.是什么?別人給我的一個讓人興奮的小禮物.把手并攏啊哈,你不是我的老板.你是!好調(diào)皮.10分鐘后我就回來.你就這樣離開我?你就乖乖地坐在這里等我, 這真讓人有些興奮.好吧. 但是如果你不能馬上回來,我可也無計可施!哦.嘿! 我給你帶了蛋白杏仁餅干!太好了! 這樣我就可以用它撞你的鼻子了.奇怪, 她竟然鎖門.你知道為什么嗎? 圣誕節(jié)的獎金清單就在里面.我早晨看見她在寫好吧, 你發(fā)誓不告訴別人, 馬克離開前給了我一把喬安娜辦公室的鑰匙.你想看清單嗎?耶!嘿!你好?你好, 喬安娜......的辦公室.真的很抱歉我可能要多呆一小會兒.有多小?!幾個小時, 這太可怕了.看, 這一點都不有趣! 你要馬上回來!我不能!!為什么?!我正在我老板的車里!什么?!噢, 進隧道了.什么事?!瑞秋, 我現(xiàn)在能見你一下嗎?可以, 現(xiàn)在的情況是...手銬的鑰匙在門的后面.你可以乖乖把鑰匙拿來給我開鎖嗎?順便說一下,你的長褲套裝很可愛你發(fā)誓你和她分手了!我是和她分手了! 她只是感覺良好事實上你已經(jīng)使我的職業(yè)生涯面臨危險,難道你從未意識到嗎?!我已經(jīng)意識到了!但是情況有變,打開手銬.你知道嗎錢德, 你作繭自縛你自己想辦法脫身不-不-不-不-不-不-不!! 我開不了手銬!你當我有特異功能嗎?快點, 你必須幫我,她要好幾個小時后才能回來, 我很冷, 而且哦, 錢德!! 好吧, 我?guī)湍?你不能再見喬安娜了!不見!你也不能再進她的辦公室了!不進!你要把我的隨身聽還給我!我 ... 從未借過你的隨身聽.那是我搞丟了。你買一個給我!成交! 我們現(xiàn)在就離開! 快! 這感覺太好了!啊!很疼?不, 我經(jīng)??匆娙藗兇笏梢豢跉? 當他們的手銬被打開以后.我可愛的褲子!等一下! 你打算怎么跟喬安娜交代?交代什么?當她看見你不在了, 她就知道是我放你走的,她就知道我進來過, 我會被炒魷魚的!我會捏造一個故事! 我很擅長說謊, 實際上我借過你的隨身聽!你無法自圓其說, 她會知道是我放你走的我必須把你重新銬回去哦-哦-哦, 這不行!好吧, 這會好一點.有趣兒的東西來了, 喬伊. 你知道梵高嗎?他割了自己的耳朵.還有?沒了.他畫了這個.喔! 畫得真好.我還認為他太蠢所以割掉自己耳朵.書上還有什么?哦... 教皇住在哪里?森林里.不, 等等, 這是笑話里的答案.答案是梵蒂岡.你知道加硫橡膠嗎?司迫克的節(jié)育器.你需要這套書.嘿!嘿.這里以前是你的閨房?喔! 你童年時身材一定很好哦, 我太白癡了.無法相信,我竟然真以為她已經(jīng)會轉(zhuǎn)變其實, 誰關(guān)心你媽媽怎么想? 你無非就是“很莫尼卡”.很好, 我很高興你也這么說但是, 這不一定是貶義嘛我們可以當它是褒義.下樓去,證明你媽媽錯了.把你該干的活做好,我們把那叫做“很莫尼卡”什么?好吧, 如果一個孩子得到了成績優(yōu)秀的A, 他的父母就會說, "耶, 他‘很莫尼卡’"你知道? 或者一個消防隊員救了一個孩子, 人們就會說"耶, 他‘很莫尼卡’"或者當有人打了一個全壘打, 廣播員就說, "太棒了."當然他還是沒變說法好吧, 我現(xiàn)在下去.但是, 我可不想端烤寬面條. 我要端我做的食物出去喔! 我的乳房還真強壯呢.錢德! 我必須把你鎖回去我不能失去這份工作, 她的辦公室是非常保密的.現(xiàn)在我知道原因了.反正你都會有麻煩,明白嗎如果她回來看見我被鎖在這邊,而不是椅子上她就會知道你進來過. 所以你最好還是讓我走.我?guī)湍愦驋咭粋€月浴室?還不是臟的我只是想要自由.幫你腳底按摩一個月!自由啊!幫你把所有照片都收到相冊里!自由啊! 我只是想要自由啊! 為什么你不能幫我?!索菲, 救我! 救我!!索菲, 坐!!不! 天啊, 你不能平靜下來嗎!我只想說最后一遍. 你能...喔! 想不到嘔吐也有這么多學問 稍等.怎么樣, 喬伊? 你只要花$1200就可以得到一整套百科全書, 零售$50一本!$1200? 你認為我會有$1200嗎? 這些天我一直在家, 我的客廳里擺著庭院椅你博覽群書卻沒學到某些常識好吧,你有什么?分期付款賣給我如何?每月付零元?你難道一無所有嗎想看看我有什么? 好? 巧克力軟糖 一張電影票根 鑰匙, 面巾紙, 石頭, 還有個小兵人!了解了, 謝謝你的時間.還有$50. 喔, 這一定是錢德的褲子.如果是$50的話你就能擁有一本書了! 你想要哪本? A? B? C?V那本, 我想看看壞孩子是怎么回事我?guī)湍愦螯c圣誕禮物.不!我... 哦! 我每天早晨給你榨鮮橙汁!帶水果肉的嗎?耶!!不!不!!我想到了!你才沒轍呢我勝券在握將有謠言四起,無法平息索菲知道,莫尼卡和菲比也知道.莫尼卡和菲比怎么會知道?哦, 我給她們打電話. 如果她們問我看見了什么, 我會非常大方或者守口如瓶繼續(xù).我可以讓你成為一個傳奇我可以讓你成為當今的“米爾頓伯樂(諧星)”米爾頓可了不得...他都無法同你媲美他們碰到不碰寬面條了!真的?!哦, 他們喜歡你的砂鍋菜.太好了!!很難相信,剛才還只有一些原材料看來每個人都喜歡你的菜.你呢?我想它是... 十分可口.每個人都喜歡, 你也喜歡, 那就代表我成功了.那你就是個……婊子?我不是這意思, 但是我們可以用你的詞.我錯了, 我必須告訴你今天你給我留下了非常深刻的印象.喔!嗯, 你可以說她“很莫尼卡”.她不知道我們已經(jīng)將它轉(zhuǎn)義了.下次你幫我提供食物,我只準備冰塊你的話對我意義重大;哦, 媽媽, 不要咬你的指甲.嗨.嗨!嗨, 錢德.我愛你.怎么了?哦.不, 他才不會!被瑣了兩個小時!你真的要和喬安娜分手?我想是這樣的.正確的是, 當你說完以后就應該馬上離開, 在她像維蘇威火山噴發(fā)以前.像火山?是啊,像火山一樣.可怕的火成巖構(gòu)成.什么?!噴出熔巖, 吐出熱灰, 當然有些火山是休眠狀態(tài)的為什么你會突然談到火山?好吧, 那我們談?wù)勂渌?你想談什么? 活體解剖?輸精管?越戰(zhàn)?有誰看過朝鮮戰(zhàn)爭的記錄片嗎?看了, 看了.朝鮮真的是一個美麗的國度.不過她的歷史哀傷了一些.姓“金”的人可真多誰在外面?是我! 早上好!瑞秋, 你能進來一下嗎?好, 沒問題. 嗯, 沒有你要的那種百吉餅, 所以我...天啊!我似乎有一些小麻煩.你能把門后的鑰匙給我嗎.沒問題!告訴錢德我們完了.好吧.
The One With The‘Cuffs
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]
Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I’m, I’m paddling away!
Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?!
Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!
Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!
(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey’s bedroom.)
Chandler: Could we be more white trash?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I?
Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game.
Monica: I just told my Mom I’d cater a party for her.
Phoebe: How come?
Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it’d be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.
Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don’t think Mom would’ve hired you if she didn’t think you were good at what you do.
Monica: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?
Joey: Just pickle.
Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward.
Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.
Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you?
Chandler: (laughs) No. No!
Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandler’s bedroom)
Chandler: Well, not at first.
Rachel: What is she doing here?
(Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)
Rachel: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’
Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.
(Joey creaks louder)
Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!
Chandler: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself.
(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.)
Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it.
Chandler: Okay, I promise, I’ll end it.
Rachel: Thank you.
Chandler: I hope you know what I’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Geller’s party.]
Mrs. Geller: (entering) How’s the hired help?
Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.
Mrs. Geller: What’s this? Blue nail polish?
Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that’s what your Grandmother’s hands looked like when we found her.
Monica: Let me ask you a question.
Mrs. Geller: Hmm.
Monica: Why did you hire me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren’t sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I’m good.
Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t hear that.
Monica: Oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I’m good.
Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.]
The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?
Joey: Uhhhh. (He’s not sure)
The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.
The Salesman: Actually, I’m not buying. I’m selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about?
(We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, all are there.]
Ross: …I’m telling you it’s totally unconstituional.
Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree.
(Joey just nods his head.)
[Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]
Monica: …I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod ‘Yes.’)
All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all there playing cards.]
Chandler: …it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
[Cut back to the present day.]
The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?
Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.
[Scene: The Geller’s Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.]
Phoebe: That’s weird.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Your nails.
Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them.
Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now.
Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put… (realises) Oh my God! It’s in the quiche! Oh My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t panic. I’m gonna go to the store, I’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don’t bite your nails.
Monica: Okay ah, please don’t freak out. Umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one.
Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!
Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I’m not freaking out.
Monica: Then why are you laughing?
Mrs. Geller: It’s nothing, it’s just that now your Father owes me five dollars.
Monica: What? You bet I’d lose a nail?
Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don’t be silly. I just bet I’d need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal…)
Monica: Frozen lasagnas?
Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.
Monica: You bet that I’d screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was…
Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.
Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you’d never use that phrase.
Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you’ve never been able to laugh at yourself.
Monica: (laughs) That’s right. My Mom doesn’t have any faith in me! Oh, that’s hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Phoebe: I don’t get it.
Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith…
Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.)
Oven: Ding!
Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.
[Scene: Joanna’s office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isn’t wearing any pants.]
Chandler: It just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up.
Joanna: No, we are. I’m sad.
Chandler: Okay.
(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.
Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can’t you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!!
Chandler: Thanks.
Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)
Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I’m getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.
Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.
Chandler: What is it?
Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She’s holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together.
Chandler: Ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.
Joanna: (kisses him) I’ll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave)
Chandler: You are, you’re gonna leave me like this?
Joanna: Knowing you’re here, waiting for me I think it’s kinda exciting.
Chandler: Okay. But if you don’t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it!
[Cut to Joanna’s outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.]
Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)
Rachel: That’s weird, she locked the door.
Sophie: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.
Rachel: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list?
Sophie: Yeah!
(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)
Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?
(Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joanna’s office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.]
Chandler: Hello, Joanna…(Realises he doesn’t know her last name)…’s office.
Joanna: (on speaker phone) I’m really sorry but I may be a little while longer.
Chandler: How little?!
Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.
Chandler: Look, this isn’t funny! You get back here right now!
Joanna: I can’t!!
Chandler: Why not?!
Joanna: I’m in my boss’s car!
Chandler: What?!
Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)
(Chandler gets an idea)
[Cut to Rachel’s office as her intercom buzzes.]
Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!
Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)
Chandler: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!
Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!
Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.
Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna’s desk.)
Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!
Chandler: Never!
Rachel: You never come into this office again!
Chandler: Fine!
Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!
Chandler: I—never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)
Rachel: Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?
Chandler: About what?
Rachel: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired!
Chandler: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!
Rachel: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don’t think so!
(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)
Chandler: Well, this is much better.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]
The Salesman: So, here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?
Joey: He cut off his ear.
The Salesman: And?
Joey: I’m out.
The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book)
Joey: Wow! That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. What else you got in there?
The Salesman: Let’s see, ahhh… Where does the Pope live?
Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that’s the joke answer.
The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey: Spock’s birth control.
The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.
[Scene: Monica’s childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods ‘Yes’) Wow! You must’ve been in really good shape as a kid.
Monica: Ohh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I actually thought she could change.
Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.
Monica: Oh good, I’m glad that’s catching on.
Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a Monica.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A’s, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one’s outta here." Though some things don’t change.
Monica: (getting up) All right, I’ll go down there. But, I’m not gonna serve the lasagna. I’m gonna serve something I make.
(She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.)
Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.)
[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]
Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why.
Chandler: Hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. (Rachel makes an ‘Eww, disgusting!’ face) All I want is my freedom.
Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler: Freedom!
Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!
Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)
Rachel: Sophie sit!!
(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)
Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!
(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a ‘Pouff!’)
Chandler: I’m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just… (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the ‘V’ book, with the salesman watching.]
Joey: Wow! There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.)
The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!
Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’.
The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?
Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
The Salesman: You don’t have, anything?
Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? I’ve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!
The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave)
Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandler’s pants.
The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?
Joey: Oh, I-I think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.
[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.]
Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
Chandler: No!
Rachel: I ah… Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!
Chandler: With extra pulp?
Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!
Chandler: No!
Rachel: D’oh!! (pause) I’ve got it!
Chandler: You don’t have it.
Rachel: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.
Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.
Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has a…
Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)
[Scene: The Geller’s kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]
Monica: Well?
Phoebe: They’re not even touching the lasagna!
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: It’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.
Monica: And you?
Mrs. Geller: I thought it was… quite tasty.
Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you…
Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch?
Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.
Monica: Wow!
Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesn’t know we switched it. (Monica nods her head ‘No.’)
Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails)
Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don’t bite your nails.
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.]
Chandler: (hello) Hello.
Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)
Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)
Joey: Wh-what’s going on?
Phoebe: Oh.
(She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.]
Joey: No he doesn’t!
Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!
Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna?
Chandler: I think so.
Joey: Well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
Ross: The volcano?
Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.
Rachel: What?!
Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.
Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?
Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?
Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed)
All: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.
Ross: With such a sad history.
Chandler: Could there be more Kims?
(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]
Joanna: (from her office) Who’s out there?
Rachel: It’s me! Good morning!
Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I… (Enters Joanna’s office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!
Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.
Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
(She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.)
Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we’re definately broken up this time.
Rachel: Okay.
END