The One After the Superbowl
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the m off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
[A m jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MShine Beer. [MShine theme] MShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
ROSS: I meant because the m in it reminds me of Marcel.
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they're both ms.
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little m raisins in it.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
[Joey enters holding a letter]
JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
CHANDLER: Rhythm?
JOEY: No, my first fan mail.
ALL: Alright!
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
[Ross enters with a suitcase]
ROSS: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a m, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
[Everyone laughs]
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.
ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
PHOEBE: Oh, wow.
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
[door buzzer goes off]
CHANDLER: Hello.
ERICA: It's Erica.
JOEY: Ah, the stalker.
ERICA: Never mind, it's open.
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
JOEY: Let's get out of here.
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
JOEY: She's comin'.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
ERICA: It's me.
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
ERICA: Hi.
JOEY: Erica.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the M cages.]
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the m I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?
LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
ROSS: I can't believe this.
LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes ms die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
ROSS: Zoo dollars?
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your m hasn't just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
KIDS: Ooohhh.
PHOEBE: I know.
MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
RACHEL: And she's not crazy?
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
ROB: You OK?
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.
PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
ALL: Hi Phoebe.
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]
ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?
ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
ERICA: Who's they?
JOEY: No one.
ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the m cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
JANITOR: It's about your m. It's alive.
[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]
ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
JOEY: But that's what...
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]
ERICA: Hey what?
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]
PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
MONICA: Excellent!
CHANDLER: Very informative!
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.
PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
PHOEBE: But.
ROB: How did you know there was a but?
PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
PHOEBE: I can do that.
ROB: Really?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
ROSS: Buddy, my m?
JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your m was taken.
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my m was dead.
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
ROSS: That guy Lipson?
JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.
JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
ROSS: Buddy, my m, my m.
JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
ROSS: Of course.
JANITOR: Your m found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
ROSS: This is unbelievable.
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
JANITOR: Maybe.
ROSS: But you already told me everything.
[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MShine Beer poster.]
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MShine m.
RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
PHOEBE: OK, hi again.
ALL: Hi Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.
[knock at the door]
ERICA: It's Erica.
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
JOEY: Who?
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.
JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.
ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?
JOEY: I'm not Drake.
ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
ERICA: Is this true?
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
ERICA: Is all this true?
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]
ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
PHOEBE: Fired! Why?
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
ROB: No.
PHOEBE: I see.
ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
PHOEBE: Who's Barney.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
RACHEL: You're kidding.
JOEY: This is amazing.
ROSS: I know.
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the m's makin' movies.
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
RACHEL: OK.
[little kid enters]
KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.
KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.
[a rush of kids enter]
PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my m in almost a year.
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the m-is-penis genre?
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the m?
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
MONICA: Ross, there he is.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the m. [guard lets them in]
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
ALL: Woah.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the m's ready for the subway set?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
SUSIE: We've got a problem.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.
SUSIE: I hate actors.
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
SUSIE: Excuse me.
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
RACHEL: What what what what?
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
RACHEL: Ya think?
MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
MONICA: Oh, yeah.
RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
MONICA: He could hear me.
RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.
VAN DAMME: Hi.
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
[back to Chandler and Susie]
CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?
[back to Rachel and Monica]
MONICA: So what'd he say?
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.
RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
RACHEL: That is so unfair.
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
[Ross enters]
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a m?
ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
[Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
MONICA: What did you say?
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?
SUSIE: Could ya?
CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
JOEY: Oooh.
ROSS: With mealworms.
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
[phone rings]
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a m's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
MONICA: Did you just flick me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me first.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.
PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
MONICA: OK.
RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: Fine,
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
JOEY: Forget about it.
SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
SUSIE: C'mon.
CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.
SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
CHANDLER: What?
SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
CHANDLER: Oh.
SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.
CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
CHANDLER: OK.
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?
SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.
[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]
MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?
VAN DAMME: Sure.
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]
MONICA: Say it.
RACHEL: No. [hitting again]
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
MONICA: What're you gonna do?
RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
MONICA: You don't have the guts.
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.
RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
CHANDLER: Joey?
JOEY: Ma?
CHANDLER: Joey!
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
JOEY: Well, let me see.
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
ALL: Hi.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
[Joey enters]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
ROSS: What happened?
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.
ROSS: What?
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]
VAN DAMME: Goodbye.
MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]
RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]
MONICA: OK.
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.
RACHEL: Impressive.
MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.
[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?
PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
END
無法擺脫工作的壓力?
那就來一杯…
…猴子樂啤酒吧
喝一口猴子樂
猴子樂…
猴子樂啤酒
因為外面是一片叢林
那個廣告總是讓我悲從中來
但是那個家伙一開啤酒女人就擁上來了…
…所以最后一切還好的
我的意思是那只猴子讓我想到了馬賽
我看得出來
它們都有棕色的大眼睛還有鼓鼓的小下巴
而且它們都是猴子
有時候我懷疑我是不是做錯了不應該把它送走
你是不得已的啊看到什么東西都要上
我的馬里布芭此娃娃結婚不能穿純潔的白紗了
記得有時它會跟你們借帽子…
…等你要回來的時候里面會有小小的猴子”葡萄干”?
它干的就叫好玩如果我對我老板這么做的話…
突然就變成了我的態(tài)度不好
你們看,猜我有什么?
韻律感,對不對?
不是,第一封影迷信
”親愛的雷醫(yī)生
我愛你,為了得到你我可以不惜一切”
”你不神秘的仰慕者方艾麗”
等一下
:”附注:隨函附上了我十四根的睫毛”
在瘋子的世界里那就表示你結婚了
這不是寄到制作單位的這是直接送到你家去
她去過我們的大樓
我的天啊
我有我自己的變態(tài)影迷了
你上哪兒去了?
因為洛杉磯有一個古生物學研討會
我會去,然后開車到動物園給馬賽一個驚喜
我想它會很驚喜的直到它發(fā)現(xiàn)它是猴子…
…它根本就沒辦法有那種情緒
菲此,那個可愛的家伙又來了
…假裝我在講故事給你們聽故事非常的好笑
所以大家要笑
我知道
我叫羅伯杜南
羅伯杜南
我對音樂一竅不通不過我覺得你非常棒
我在替市里的兒童圖書館安排藝人的演出
我在想,你有沒有想過為小孩子演唱你的歌呢?
我好想要小孩哦…
聽我…聽我演唱我為他們寫的歌
你今天晚飯做什么?
我們可以留在家里吃自己啊
我是艾麗
變態(tài)影迷
沒關系,門沒關
對,用平底鍋打她是個好主意
不過,我們應該想點別的以防她不是卡通人物
離開這里
偏挑這個時候不在
我們走時在樓梯上碰到的時候…
…她不會知道是我因為我們沒有見過啊
那是收音機明星的方法
她來了
是我
就這樣了,我們就這樣死的
預備好了?
等等。。
艾麗
蓋勒先生?
黎迪恩,我是這里的行政組長
聽說你有個問題,是不是?
我似乎找不到我去年捐的猴子它是一只戴帽猿…
…它的名字叫做馬賽?
我恐十自有個壞消息要告訴你
馬賽它已經(jīng)過世了
天哪,怎么會呢?
它生病了,然后它病得很重…
…然后它突然好了一點
然后就死了
我真不敢相信
很抱歉,蓋勒先生你也知道嘛,俗話說
”猴子難免一死”
不是很好的俗語…
…用在今天卻很貼切
那應該有人通知我才對呀對不起
我知道這不能夠讓它復活…
…這是我一點心意,請收下
動物園禮券?
對,四點請過來看一看烏秀金剛鸚鵡戴帽子
你的猴子沒死的話會可愛多了
我知道
真不敢相信喬伊去跟他的變態(tài)影迷吃飯
她長得怎么樣?
你還記得”戰(zhàn)栗游戲”里面的凱西貝茲?
她長得跟她完全相反
那她不是瘋子嗎?
不,她的完全秀斗了
她以為喬伊真的是雷崔克醫(yī)生
我的天哪
然后他還要去跟她約會?
他不能這么做的
就因為這個女人以為她可以在她的客廳黑盒里面看喬伊…
…并不表示她就不是人啊
我是說,她應該得到快樂也應該得到愛呀
你們看我干什么?想上那個瘋子的是喬伊研
你還好吧?
不,我只是很緊張
如果我幻想他們只穿內衣…
不,那個主意不好上個家伙就是那樣被開除的
我只是…我習慣為大人演唱
大人只是…邊喝咖啡邊做他們大人做的事
小孩呢…
…會專心聽
我覺得這個責任好重大
怎么了?
你要親我嗎?
我正在考慮
那好,好耶,口引門來些音樂
各位,我是菲此菲此
現(xiàn)在我要唱一首關于祖父母的歌
奶奶走到哪里都大受歡迎
她送你火車跟一輛簇新單車
但最近她不再來共進晚餐
上回你看到她時她看起來瘦多了
你媽跟你爸說她搬去秘魯
事實上她死了,有一天你也會
崔克,這真是太好了是啊,沒錯
怎么了?
現(xiàn)在我們輕松地坐在這兒…
…但不久前,你還在重注西蒙的脊髓
是啊,那實在不簡單
事實上…
…那個手術要花上十幾個鐘頭可是他們只播了兩分鐘而已
“他們”是誰?
沒有啦
崔克,你真有才華讓我看看那雙手
這雙美麗的手
真想吃掉它們
佄也換?
不然我的手表一定會掉下來
不,說真的,這雙手…
這雙
…救人無數(shù),創(chuàng)造奇跡的手
只要靠近,撫摸或許甚至舔一只就好了
好吧,一只就好了
你很行耶
天哪,來人哪,他噎住了
這里有沒有醫(yī)生?
沙侖市最好的醫(yī)生就在這兒
雷崔克醫(yī)生
你十五分鐘之后到夜行館等我
少來了我不喜歡跟別的男人那樣
要動物園禮券嗎?
我要告訴你有關你猴子的事
它還沒死
我不懂,你為什么不救他?
因為我是神經(jīng)外科醫(yī)生
…他顯然是患了…
…“食道阻塞癥”
好吧,聽著我要坦白一件事…
你什么都不用告訴我
你不用向我解釋什么
我算老幾啊竟然敢懷疑偉大的雷醫(yī)生
能接近你,我就該滿足了
黑,我。。
嘿什么?
就那樣,只是嘿
像結束了一首舞那樣,嘿
有一天你們會長大
你們會想跟別人上床
只為搏得他們歡心伈灰
因為
因為
…你不要做的事一起來
那是另一件你不要做的事
太棒了,很有教育性
點也不會不恰當
謝謝各位光臨后面有餅干要送給你們
真是棒透了
孩子們愛死你了
對呀,我酷斃了
你知道為什么嗎?因為你說實話
從來沒有人對小孩子說實話
你真是了得
你怎么知道還有”但。。。“
不是”但是”就是”蛋餅”
我想問題是有些父母…
…會希望你多唱一點…
…農(nóng)場動物那類的歌曲
這個我辦得到啊
真的?
因為那樣子會非常棒
怎么?你要親我嗎?
我正在考慮
蝙蝠
黑暗世界的大使
像一只插翅的信差沖出了巢穴
死神之舞的盲目幽靈
兄弟,我的猴子呢?
對了
在幾個月前…
…這里被洗劫,內賊干的
你的猴子被偷了
我的天哪可是動物園說我的猴子死了
動物園
你相信動物園說的每一件事嗎?
動物園只是告訴過我這件事
他們當然會說它死了他們害怕消息傳出去會不好看
他們掩飾得密不透風
你知道這件事情牽涉到多高層嗎?
那個黎先生?
黎先生知道?
黎先生知道,是嗎?
哈羅,負子鼠先生
樹上的謎團上下顛倒的夜之民
正在嘲弄著地心引力…兄弟,我的猴子呢?
道上的傳聞…
當我說”道上”的時候我指的是園里的游園道路
當然了
你的猴子有了新職業(yè)了…
…往娛樂界發(fā)展去了我只知道這一些
真是令人難以置信
好了,這個消息對你值多少錢啊,朋友?
你是暗示我要賄賂你嗎?
或許吧
可是你都已經(jīng)告訴我了
你們看
馬賽就是啤酒樂廣告里的那只猴子
那你打算怎么辦?
我要打電話給那家啤酒廠問他們它在哪里啊
我丟了馬兒時就是這么做的
你們好
菲此好
今天我們要先唱一些關于農(nóng)場動物的歌曲
草地上的牛說哞
農(nóng)夫在敲它的頭把它絞成肉醬
漢堡就是這樣來的
現(xiàn)在…雞
崔克,你是唯一救得了她的人
該死,我是醫(yī)生,我不是神
我的信仰就是這樣被推翻了的
是艾麗
老天,快,關掉電視
不,我要看結果
我救絲莉脫離昏迷狀態(tài)然后我們親熱
怎么可能?你剛才親了莎賓娜
瑞秋,那只是喬伊是神經(jīng)外科醫(yī)生的世界
艾麗,請進
你怎么這么快就到了?我剛剛還在沙侖看到你
對,他們用…直升機送我
什么事?
還有一場小派對
她在嗎?誰呀?
莎賓娜,你們的事我全知道了
我看到你們兩個在醫(yī)生休息室里接吻
不是你想的那樣子啦,那是…
你說你心里只有我
好,聽著,夠了
我想我們不該再見面了
我知道我很久以前就應該告訴你了…
…我并不是雷崔克醫(yī)生
我連醫(yī)生都不是,我是個演員我只是假裝我是醫(yī)生而已
天哪,那醫(yī)院的人知道這件事情嗎?
你們誰來幫幫忙,好不好?
我知道。。
我在哪里?
大學的附設醫(yī)院…
…你已經(jīng)在這里度過十八年了
你怎么會在兩個地方?
因為那是電視節(jié)目
崔克,你到底要說什么?
我不是崔克
沒錯他不是崔克,他是…
…雷漢斯,崔克邪惡的雙胞胎
真的嗎?
是真的
我知道因為…
…他假裝他是崔克來…來騙我上床
然后他告訴我他要帶我私奔
他騙我
然后你馬桶蓋沒有放下來你這個渾蛋
這些都是真的嗎?
是,恐怕是真的了
我根本配不上你,艾麗
你應該跟真正的崔克在一起你愛上的人是他
去沙侖吧,去找他
他才是你的王子
漢斯
邪惡的雙胞胎
對,再見,艾麗
一切順利
保重了
我永遠不會忘記你的
剛才是誰向我潑水
我們只是想幫你
開除?
為什么?
有很多父母向圖書館的董事會投訴…
…你歌詞里的一些內容有問題
我真不敢相信
難道說你沒有告訴你的董事會孩子們多么想聽實話嗎?
我懂了
或許如果你只是唱一些一般的兒歌
不,你要…我當什么呢?
…當一只愚蠢的紫色大恐龍嗎?
我又沒說你必須當巴尼
巴尼是誰啊?
我是追查馬賽追查到這個的現(xiàn)在它很健康也很快樂…
…它在紐約拍”危機總動員病毒肆虐曼哈頓”
你騙人
簡直絕妙,我知道
我才終于混上電視這猴子開始拍電影了
瑞秋,我好了
抱歉,這是那個說實話的唱歌小姐嗎?
對呀,我猜那就是我
她在這里
有時男人愛女人
有時男人愛男人
然后還有雙性戀
雖然有些說他們在騙自己
真是令人興奮我都快一年沒見到我的猴子了
你洗澡從來不往下看嗎?
我連說個”猴子等于命根子”的笑話都不可以嗎?
好了,好了
各位,往后退
打擾了那只猴子在什么地方?
抱歉,各位這場戲不對外開放
對不起,你不了解我…我是它的朋友
我們…我們以前住在一起的
是啊,我跟海豚飛寶還在波可若分租公寓過呢
羅斯,它在那里
兄弟
在叢林里
偌大的叢林
今夜獅子睡著了
在叢林里,偌大的叢林
今夜獅子睡著了
他們不帶你去看獸醫(yī)
你顯然不是最受寵的寵物
臭臭貓,臭臭貓
那不是你的錯
怎么了?對不起
那有什么不對嗎?
我想你應該選擇一個男性化一點的調子比較好