西門子醫(yī)療的蹩腳更名Siemens Healthineers

Up above the sky was blue and cloudless. On theground thousands of people stood facing a stageflanked by screens and with a scaffold of lights andcameras on a crane overhead. Loud music thumped.

碧空如洗，萬里無云。幾千人圍聚在一個被巨幕環(huán)繞的舞臺前，舞臺上方的燈光架上遍布照明燈，還有架設在升降機上的攝像機。樂聲震耳欲聾。

It could have been Glastonbury if you didn’t look tooclosely at the crowd, many of whom were in formaljackets and shirts. No one was swaying to the music.

如果不湊上前去瞧瞧這些觀眾，還以為這是格拉斯頓伯里(Glastonbury)音樂節(jié)現(xiàn)場，但觀眾們很多都身著正裝夾克和襯衫。沒有誰跟著音樂搖頭晃腦。

They were staring straight ahead, frozen. A few arms were raised bearing phones to capturewhat was possibly the most embarrassing corporate rebranding event ever.

他們凝視著前方，一動不動。有的正舉著手機，抓拍這一可能是史上最尷尬的公司更名儀式。

Thus Siemens chose to tell its staff that henceforth its 120-year-old healthcare division, whichmakes sensible things like hearing aids and MRI scanners, was to be known as SiemensHealthineers. On stage a couple of dozen badly co-ordinated dancers in turquoise and orangespandex bodysuits gyrated to a lyric spelt out in giant letters on the screens: “Reaching out formore / For the best and never alone . . . One vision / One mission / One focus / One name / Oneculture / One dream/ One team” — building up to the mighty chorus, “We are, we are, we areHealthineers.”

西門子(Siemens)選擇以這種方式向員工宣布，西門子醫(yī)療自此更名為Siemens Healthineers。西門子醫(yī)療已有120年歷史，生產(chǎn)助聽器及核磁共振成像儀之類的精密醫(yī)療器械。臺上，二十多名身穿藍綠色或橙黃色氨綸緊身服的舞者，隨著歌聲亂七八糟地旋轉(zhuǎn)舞動。兩邊的大屏幕上顯示著歌詞：“努力成就更多/精益求精之路總有同伴……同一個愿景/同一個使命/同一個焦點/同一個名字/同一種文化/同一個夢想/同一個團隊”——氣氛逐漸加強進入高亢的大合唱，“我們是，我們是，我們是Healthineers。”

The song dragged on for nearly four minutes after which the audience gave the sort of politeclap born of relief that something awful is over.

這首歌拖拖拉拉地唱了將近4分鐘才結(jié)束，觀眾們禮節(jié)性地鼓了鼓掌，有種解脫的意味——某種可怕的東西終于結(jié)束了。

A homemade video of the event has been attracting much attention online, where hundreds ofpeople have posted comments variously saying: “This is how you destroy a company”, and“Welcome to a more soul-crushing 1984”. Some are suggesting that GE, Siemens’ main rival,will be rubbing its hands in glee as customers decline to buy life-saving medical kit from acheesy team of Healthineers.

一段關于這次活動的自制視頻，在網(wǎng)上引來很多關注，數(shù)百名網(wǎng)友紛紛評論：“告訴你如何毀掉一家公司”，“歡迎來到一個更加折磨靈魂的《1984》”。有人認為，當顧客拒絕再從Healtineers滑稽的團隊購買救命的醫(yī)療用品時，西門子的主要競爭對手通用電氣(GE)將拍手稱快。

I suspect Siemens will survive this naff folie de grandeur. One of the greatest mysteries ofcapitalism is the way that companies can say and do boneheaded things while their businesssails imperviously on.

我猜西門子在這次蹩腳的嘩眾取寵之后依然會活得很好。資本主義有幾大奇跡，其中之一就是公司可以言行愚蠢，而生意卻不受影響。

Even so, it has set an example to companies everywhere of how silly you can look when youignore three basic rules of corporate communication.

即便如此，這依然給所有公司上了一課：當無視企業(yè)溝通之三大鐵律時，必將貽笑大方。

The first says large companies must never turn to song. There is not a single example of abusiness putting its values to music without mass humiliation.

第一，大公司絕不要創(chuàng)作歌曲。還沒有哪一家公司用音樂宣傳自己的價值觀時不大大出丑。

There was the terrible rendition of U2’s “One” at Bank of America, in which a balding bankerpretended to be Bono. Then there was the Ernst & Young recruitment song: “Oh happyday / when Ernst & Young / Showed me a better way,” featuring accountants swaying andclapping out of time. The KPMG effort (“KPMG, we’re strong as can be / A team of power andenergy / We go for the gold / Together we hold / To our vision of global strategy”) was ridiculed.

美國銀行(Bank of America)曾糟糕地演繹過U2樂隊的單曲《One》，他們讓一位禿頂?shù)你y行家去扮演U2的主唱博諾(Bono)。再看安永(Ernst & Young )的招聘歌：“噢快樂的一天/當安永/指引我走上更好的道路，”一群壓不上拍子的會計師一邊搖擺一邊拍手地唱著。畢馬威 (KPMG)的杰作也遭到嘲笑(“畢馬威，我們最強/我們的團隊充滿力量與活力/我們力爭最優(yōu)/我們團結(jié)一致/堅持我們的全球戰(zhàn)略愿景”)。

Songs are fine in church where the words tend to be decent and where people gather becausethey believe in the same thing. Pop songs are fine too, so long as the people singing them areeither young or cool.

在教堂里唱歌就沒問題，那里的歌詞往往很得體，人們也是出于相同信仰才齊聚一堂。流行歌曲也沒問題，只要唱歌的人要么年輕要么夠酷。

In corporations, any attempt to impose a system of shared belief is sinister, and as the averageemployee is neither young nor cool, songs are to be avoided at all costs.

而在公司里，任何將一套共同理念強加于人的企圖都用心險惡，另外，由于一般的員工們都既不年輕也不夠酷，所以要竭力回避歌曲。

The second rule is to resist portmanteau names, in which respectable words — in this casehealth, engineers and pioneers — are cut up and glued together to create somethingmonstrous.

第二，別用拼造的詞命名。這種做法將美好的詞切分后再生拼硬造成古怪的新詞，如西門子就是把health(健康)、engineers(工程師)及pioneers(先鋒)拼成Healthineers。

Recent corporate examples include “innovalue”, “sustainagility”, “edgenuity” and “ideation”.Occasionally a company pulls it off: a few decades ago Bill Gates and Paul Allen created therather successful Microsoft, though I daresay with those two it would have flourished whateverthe name.

近年來，用拼造的詞命名的企業(yè)不勝枚舉，如“innovalue”、“sustainagility”、“edgenuity”和“ideation”。偶爾也會有那么一家公司取得成功：幾十年前，比爾•蓋茨(Bill Gates)與保羅•阿倫(Paul Allen)創(chuàng)立的微軟(Microsoft)就大獲成功，不過我敢說有那兩位，公司不管叫什么都能生意興隆。

The third law says claiming to be one team with one dream doesn’t make you so. It just makesyou look stupid.

第三，自稱公司是一個團隊、共有一個夢想往往并不能得償所愿，而只會令自己看上去很愚蠢。

“One” is the biggest corporate trend of the moment: One Heinz, One Sony, even OneMicrosoft. Every company that wants to show it isn’t in a muddle launches a One program.

“一個”是當今企業(yè)界最為流行的詞語：一個亨氏(Heinz)，一個索尼(Sony)，甚至一個微軟。每個想要證明自己并不混亂的公司都啟動了“一個戰(zhàn)略”。

What does it mean? And how can companies be so enthusiastic about being one, while at thesame time banging on about diversity?

“一個”是什么意思?企業(yè)何以在如此熱衷于“一個”的同時，又孜孜不倦地鼓吹多元化?

When Pearson, the former owner of the FT, announced it was One Pearson, I was none thewiser. And was less wise still when it decided that its oneness didn’t preclude it from floggingthe newspaper.

當英國《金融時報》的前東家培生集團(Pearson)宣布其為“一個培生”時，我就一頭霧水。而當培生認定它所說的“一個”并不妨礙它賣掉英國《金融時報》時，我越發(fā)不明白了。

Explaining the new name, the CEO of Siemens Healthineers recently held forth about“leveraging expertise”, “customised clinical solutions”, and the “journey to success” beforegetting to the nub of it. “Our new name . . .  expresses our identity as a people company.”

Siemens Healthineers的首席執(zhí)行官近來對他們的新名字做出解釋，在切中要點之前，他滔滔不絕地論及“利用專業(yè)知識”，“定制臨床解決方案”，以及“通向成功之旅”。“我們的新名字…體現(xiàn)了我們是家以人為本的公司。”

In that case he has forgotten that people, unlike MRI machines, have feelings. They can feelembarrassment and alienation and are most disinclined to feel more warmly about theirjobs after receiving trite messages at 110 decibels and watching dancers in orange and blueSpandex writhe.

若是那樣，他已然忘了，不同于核磁共振機器，人們是有感情的。他們會感到尷尬和疏離，而且在被110分貝的陳詞濫調(diào)狂轟濫炸、目睹穿著橙黃和藍綠色緊身衣的舞者亂舞之后，他們極不可能對工作產(chǎn)生更大的熱忱。