你的狗見(jiàn)過(guò)我的裸體

The women I’ve slept with this year have had two things in common: dogs and studio apartments. I never considered the awkwardness of this combination until it was too late.

今年和我睡過(guò)的女人有兩個(gè)共同點(diǎn)：狗和單間公寓。我從沒(méi)想過(guò)這個(gè)組合的尷尬之處，等反應(yīng)過(guò)來(lái)已經(jīng)晚了。

Josie was first, a Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix and an emotional wreck. In her defense, she was often left alone for long periods of time and, well, anything that small is justified in its mania. When her owner finally did come home, Josie would yap incessantly until someone petted her. She was like a furry alarm clock. , ring, ring, and then silence the moment you rolled over and laid a hand on her.

喬茜(Josie)是第一個(gè)，她是吉娃娃和博美的混種，一個(gè)情緒失控的家伙。但這是有原因的，她經(jīng)常長(zhǎng)時(shí)間獨(dú)處，那么，在她的狂躁中任何小事情都是合理的。當(dāng)她的主人終于回家時(shí)，喬茜不停地狂吠，直到有人去撫摸她。她就像一個(gè)毛茸茸的鬧鐘。響著，響著，響著，然后在你轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)去并將手放在她身上的時(shí)候安靜下來(lái)。

That’s all she wanted. One hand. You didn’t even have to pet her. Any contact would do.

這就是她想要的。一只手。你甚至不需要撫摸她。任何接觸都能起作用。

I did not hate Josie. She wasn’t mean or snobbish as some small dogs tend to be — just in a constant fight for attention. And in that fight, neither of us was doing very well.

我并不討厭喬茜。她并不像一些小型犬那樣刻薄或勢(shì)利——它只是在不斷爭(zhēng)取注意力。在這場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)奪中，我和它的戰(zhàn)績(jī)都一般。

The chemistry between her owner and me was less a firework and more an old lighter that works every sixth flick, but that didn’t stop us from entering into a lazy singles agreement to end up at each other’s apartments a couple nights a week.

她的主人和我之間的化學(xué)反應(yīng)，談不上是放煙花，更像是每打六次才能打出火來(lái)的舊打火機(jī)，但這并沒(méi)有阻止我們達(dá)成一種懶惰單身人士的協(xié)議，每周都有幾晚待在彼此的公寓里。

The first time we slept together, things went smoothly with one exception: Josie wouldn’t stop barking. So her owner reached down, plucked her up and sat her on the bed, where she became more uncomfortable as she realized what was happening. By the end, she had gone silent, peeking over a pillow every few minutes to see if we had finished.

我們第一次睡在一起時(shí)，一切進(jìn)展順利，只有一個(gè)例外：?jiǎn)誊绮煌＝袉?。所以她的主人伸手下去將她拉上?lái)，并把她放在床上，在她意識(shí)到在發(fā)生什么事情時(shí)，她變得更加不舒服。最后，她安靜下來(lái)了，每隔幾分鐘從枕頭后窺探一下，看看我們是否結(jié)束了。

I barely noticed her that first time. My attention was elsewhere, and having her on the bed seemed preferable to her soundtrack of high-pitched yapping. But when it happened a second, third and eighth time, Josie grew harder to ignore. I imagined things from her perspective, especially in those horrifying moments when we made eye contact.

第一次我?guī)缀鯖](méi)有注意到她。我的注意力在其他地方，并且，讓她待在床上似乎比聽她的尖銳狂吠的配音要好。但第二次、第三次和第八次時(shí)，喬茜變得難以忽略。我從她的視角想象事物，特別是那些我們眼神交匯時(shí)的恐怖時(shí)刻。

I may not have minded as much if she was simply in the room. But on the bed? That felt too close. Plus, Josie was too small to get down on her own so it was somewhat of a hostage situation.

如果她只是在房間里，我可能沒(méi)有那么多想法。但是在床上?感覺(jué)太近了。另外，喬茜太小了，不能自己從床上下去，所以她有點(diǎn)像是被扣押的狀態(tài)。

One night, as Josie’s owner and I were switching positions, I accidentally kicked her off the mattress; I looked over my shoulder in horror to see a nose and two tiny paws fall out of sight. I was mortified. Her owner looked over and shrugged.

一天晚上，當(dāng)喬茜的主人和我變換體位的時(shí)候，我不小心把她從床墊上踢了下去;我驚恐地回頭看，看到一個(gè)鼻子、兩只小爪子從視線中掉落出去。我十分難堪。她的主人回頭看了看，聳了聳肩。

“It’s O.K.,” she said. “She’s real fluffy.”

“沒(méi)關(guān)系的，”她說(shuō)。“她真的很毛茸茸。”

And we went back at it.

我們轉(zhuǎn)頭繼續(xù)了。

I could have suggested to Josie’s owner that we take her off the bed or at the least put a tiny blindfold over her eyes, but I didn’t want to further intrude on the intimate bond between pet and owner (a relationship stronger than the one we shared, after all). And I figured she knew Josie better than I did. Maybe that forsaken look in her eyes was, uh, normal?

我本可以向喬茜的主人建議把她從床上挪開，或者用一個(gè)小眼罩蒙住她的眼睛，但我不想進(jìn)一步侵?jǐn)_寵物和主人之間的親密紐帶(畢竟，這種關(guān)系比我們之間的更強(qiáng)大)。而且我認(rèn)為她比我更了解喬茜。也許在她眼中，喬茜那被遺棄的樣子是，呃，正常的?

Two months in, the momentum started to slow between Josie’s owner and me. Things ended as they so often do in this era, with an unanswered text. Josie wasn’t the only one in the room with communication issues.

兩個(gè)月后，我和喬茜的主人之間的關(guān)系開始淡下來(lái)。就像這個(gè)時(shí)代經(jīng)常發(fā)生的那樣，以一條沒(méi)有回復(fù)的短信告終。在那個(gè)房間里，存在溝通問(wèn)題的，不是喬茜一個(gè)。

The next couple months of solitude took some adjustment. The type of reliable hookup I had with Josie’s owner was a rarity for me. Losing it was like having the restaurant around the corner go out of business. Now, on quiet nights when my relationship refrigerator was bare, I had to figure out something else or go to bed hungry — usually the latter.

在接下來(lái)的幾個(gè)月，需要適應(yīng)孤獨(dú)。我和喬茜的主人之間那種讓人心安的關(guān)系，對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)是很罕見(jiàn)的。失去它，就像是讓街角的餐館倒閉一樣。現(xiàn)在，在安靜的夜晚，當(dāng)我的戀愛(ài)冰箱里空無(wú)一物時(shí)，我不得不找點(diǎn)別的事情做，要么餓著肚子上床睡覺(jué)——通常是后者。

I was relieved when I met someone months later, and even more relieved when I met her dog, Rigatoni. Like Josie, he was part Chihuahua, but he had none of her emotional hangups. He was a good boy and he knew it. His strut had bounce. If I had an eighth of Rigatoni’s confidence, I’d be president tomorrow.

幾個(gè)月之后，當(dāng)我開始有了新的約會(huì)對(duì)象時(shí)，我如釋重負(fù);遇到她的狗“通心粉”之后，更是深感寬慰。跟喬茜一樣，他也是跟吉娃娃的串兒，但又沒(méi)有她那種情感障礙。他是個(gè)好孩子，而且很知道這一點(diǎn)。他有著趾高氣揚(yáng)的派頭。如果我有“通心粉”八分之一的信心，明天就能當(dāng)上總統(tǒng)。

His owner and I met on a dating app, and that’s how she met Rigatoni too, on some sort of pet adoption app where you swiped yes or no on animals. Under normal circumstances, being virtually selected alongside a pet may have felt unsettling, but clearly she had great taste in dogs and it was flattering to be in such good company. Whatever quality caused her to swipe yes on Rigatoni, I hoped, was also visible in my profile.

我是在一個(gè)約會(huì)應(yīng)用上認(rèn)識(shí)他主人的，她跟“通心粉”也是這樣認(rèn)識(shí)的，那是一個(gè)寵物領(lǐng)養(yǎng)應(yīng)用，你滑動(dòng)屏幕選擇“是”或“否”，直到找到你心儀的收養(yǎng)對(duì)象。在一般情況下，跟寵物一起被人從網(wǎng)上選來(lái)這一點(diǎn)，可能會(huì)讓人感到有些不自在，但很明顯，她對(duì)狗很有品味，能與他為伍令我與有榮焉。不管是因?yàn)槭裁雌焚|(zhì)吸引她選擇了“通心粉”，我希望，在我的個(gè)人資料中也能看到它。

He chaperoned us on nearly every outing and I didn’t mind a bit. He came along on one of our first dates, a trip to the beach, and guarded our towel while we swam. He nestled up to my chest afterward — all sandy and warm — and I was thrilled at his approval.

幾乎我們每次出去，他都跟著，而我一點(diǎn)也不介意。我們剛開始約會(huì)的時(shí)候，有次去海灘，他是一起去的，在我們下海游泳的時(shí)候，他就守著我們的浴巾。之后，他依偎在我的胸前——全是沙子，很溫暖的感覺(jué)——得到了他的認(rèn)可，讓我激動(dòng)不已。

We ended up back at her (tiny) place later and had only been kissing for a few seconds when she pulled back, gasped and said, “You’re so weird!”

我們最后回到她的(小)地方，剛吻了幾秒鐘，她就后退了幾步，喘著氣說(shuō)：“你太奇怪了!”

I was horrified until I realized she was talking not to me but to Rigatoni, who had suddenly appeared over my shoulder with a menacing look.

我陷入了恐慌，然后才意識(shí)到，她是在說(shuō)“通心粉”，他突然出現(xiàn)在我的肩頭，一副惡狠狠的神情。

That became the theme of our next few dates. We would be kissing and then I’d hear, “Toni!” and turn around to see her dog looking like he wanted to punch me in the nose.

在接下來(lái)的幾次約會(huì)中，這種事一再出現(xiàn)。在我們接吻的時(shí)候，我會(huì)聽到一聲“通通!”，然后我轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身，就看到她的狗一臉想痛打我的的樣子。

There was nowhere to hide; the apartment was too small. I would never suggest locking him in the bathroom; she would have sooner locked me in the bathroom. And I understood. He was special.

那地方無(wú)處可藏，她的公寓太小了。我決不會(huì)提議把他鎖在浴室里;到頭來(lái)把我鎖在浴室里的可能性更大些。我心里有數(shù)。他的地位比我高。

When we moved from the couch to the bed, I was disappointed to learn he could jump up on his own. Rigatoni was an agile fellow and, unlike Josie, was not afraid to intervene. He would never bite, but he would try to grab me with his little T-rex arms and wrestle me away from his beloved master.

當(dāng)我們從沙發(fā)轉(zhuǎn)移到床上時(shí)，我失望地發(fā)現(xiàn)，他自己可以跳上床。“通心粉”是一個(gè)敏捷的家伙，不像喬茜，他不怕介入。它從不咬人，但它會(huì)用它那暴龍般的前爪抓住我，把我從它心愛(ài)的主人身邊拽開。

“You’re making everyone uncomfortable!” she would shout as he had me by the ankle like a little Greco-Roman wrestler. You could see the conflict on his face, the push and pull between obedience and protection. Right when we thought we had successfully distracted him with a toy, he would leap onto the bed like a secret service agent and position himself between us.

“你讓大家都很不舒服!”在他像一個(gè)小個(gè)子的古典式摔跤選手抓住我的腳踝時(shí)，她會(huì)大喊。你可以看到他臉上的掙扎，在服從和保護(hù)之間的糾結(jié)。就在我們以為我們用玩具成功地分散了他的注意力時(shí)，他會(huì)像特勤局特工一樣跳到床上，占據(jù)我們中間的位置。

But even Rigatoni had his price — a meat-flavored bone — that could usually buy us 20 minutes. Afterward, he would leap back onto the bed and cast disapproving looks our way until he got sleepy.

但即便是“通心粉”也是能買通的——一根肉味骨頭——這通常能給我們買到20分鐘。之后，他會(huì)跳回到床上，朝我們投來(lái)不贊成的目光，直到他昏昏欲睡。

Rigatoni wasn’t exactly an aphrodisiac, but his heart was in the right place. If someone was going to stop me from having sex, I was glad to know the effort came from virtuous intentions. It could have been worse. When my ex-girlfriend and I used to visit my childhood home, my family dog would run into the bathroom as if he were hunting truffles, snatch my used condoms from the trash, and then drop them in the most heavily trafficked area of our house.

“通心粉”自然對(duì)催情無(wú)益，但心眼倒不壞。如果有人要阻止我做愛(ài)，我會(huì)很樂(lè)意知道對(duì)方這么做是出自善意。情況本來(lái)會(huì)更糟的。我和前女友從前到我兒時(shí)的家中做客時(shí)，我們家的狗會(huì)像在搜尋松露一樣奔到浴室，從垃圾筐里把我用過(guò)的避孕套叼走，然后扔到房子里大家出入最頻繁的地方。

Courtship has never been easy for me. I have found the process to be high-risk and emotionally exhausting. It hasn’t helped that nature itself seems committed to my celibacy. Lately, my sex life has felt like a reverse Snow White scenario; I’m scared I’ll unbutton my pants and every woodland creature within a 5-mile radius will come crashing through the window, clutching awkward middle school photos of me in their paws and talons.

求偶于我從來(lái)非易事。我發(fā)現(xiàn)這個(gè)過(guò)程不光風(fēng)險(xiǎn)高，還讓人的情緒疲憊不堪。自然本身似乎篤定要我獨(dú)身，讓這事愈加的困難。最近，我的性生活感覺(jué)像是倒著放的《白雪公主》情景;我害怕我一解開褲子上的紐扣，周邊5英里范圍內(nèi)的每一只叢林生物都會(huì)破窗而入，爪子上抓著我尷尬的中學(xué)照片。

Whenever I meet a woman, I can’t help but wonder what creature waits in her apartment, eager to make our encounter more awkward for me than it already feels.

任何時(shí)候見(jiàn)到一位女性，我都忍不住好奇她的公寓里有什么物種等著，迫不及待地要把已經(jīng)很尷尬的感覺(jué)變得更尷尬。

I’ve been thinking a lot about a date I went on with a woman between Josie and Rigatoni. We had talked for hours, gone from one bar to another and watched the sunset over a pair of Moscow mules. We laughed. She snorted. I found myself listening to her instead of scrambling to think of a new topic to keep the conversation going. The hamster wheel of my mind actually stopped spinning, and when that happens I get excited because it signals something more serious is on the horizon.

我經(jīng)常想起我在喬茜和“通心粉”之間約會(huì)過(guò)的一個(gè)人。我們聊了好幾個(gè)小時(shí)，從一個(gè)吧換到另一個(gè)，然后就著兩杯莫斯科騾子雞尾酒看了日落。我們大笑。她打鼾。我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己一直在聽她講，而不是慌忙去想出新話題，讓談話繼續(xù)。我大腦的倉(cāng)鼠滾輪實(shí)際上停止了轉(zhuǎn)動(dòng)，那個(gè)時(shí)候我興奮起來(lái)，因?yàn)檫@是某種更嚴(yán)肅的東西即將來(lái)臨的跡象。

I really wanted to see her again.

我真的想要再見(jiàn)到她。

But she had to leave town for a couple of weeks. When she got back, I tried to set up another date, but something had changed. Or maybe it was never there. Either way, she read my final text but didn’t reply, and that hurt.

但她得離開兩周。等她回來(lái)時(shí)，我試著再安排一次約會(huì)，但有些事情變了。或者也許從來(lái)就沒(méi)發(fā)生過(guò)。無(wú)論如何，她看了我最后一條短信但沒(méi)回復(fù)，這挺傷人。

She had a dog, too: Bubba. In pictures, he was a tank. Shoulders like a linebacker and jaws like a bear trap. Bubba lived in a house, not a studio apartment, but I doubt that would have mattered. He looked like he could run through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

她也有只狗：布巴。從照片上看，他壯如坦克。肩膀像打橄欖球線衛(wèi)的，下巴像捕熊夾。布巴住在一座房子里，而不是單間公寓，但我猜這一點(diǎn)并不是很重要。他看上去能像酷愛(ài)超人(Kool-Aid Man)一樣跑著穿過(guò)一堵磚墻。

Maybe I got off lucky with Bubba’s owner. After all, she had the power to hurt me, and she did. Just imagine the damage he could have done.

也許我很幸運(yùn)地逃脫了布巴的主人。畢竟，她有能力傷害我，她也確實(shí)這么做了。這樣一想，他要傷起人來(lái)又將是何其可怕。