一個邋遢鬼的婚姻整理術

I have the reputation of living what Marie Kondo might call a magically tidy life. My tights are rolled like sushi, my tabletops are bare and my kitchen is so clean I could perform surgery in it.

我以過著一種可能會被近藤麻理惠(Marie Kondo)稱作魔法般齊整的生活著稱。我把緊身衣褲卷成壽司模樣，我的桌面空空蕩蕩，我的廚房也干凈得可以在里面做手術。

I wasn’t always this way. When I was 23, I left my New York City apartment with a panty liner stuck to my back.

但我并非向來如此。23歲時，我曾帶著一片粘在了后背上的護墊走出了我在紐約的公寓。

Yes, it was used. Yes, earlier that day, I had taken it off and tossed it onto my bed like a bear throws salmon bones onto a rock. Once it was there, I guess I forgot about it. It was probably camouflaged. I promise you there was other stuff on the bed. My bed used to look like a landfill.

是的，用過的護墊。是的，在那天早些時候，我把它取下來之后就扔到了我的床上，就像一頭熊把三文魚的骨頭扔到石頭上一樣。扔上去之后，我想我就把這事忘了?；蛟S它是有偽裝色吧。我敢保證床上還有些其他東西。我的床一度看上去像個垃圾填埋場。

Maybe I threw my coat over it and it stuck. And then I put my coat back on and rode a bus 30 blocks with a panty liner between my shoulder blades. Nobody said a word. I didn’t know it was there until my date gave me a hug and then peeled it off like he was at a burlesque show in hell.

或許護墊是在我把大衣扔過去的時候粘上的。然后我又穿上大衣，兩個肩胛骨之間帶著一片護墊坐上了公交走了30個街區(qū)。沒有人說一個字。我不知道它粘在那兒，直到我的約會對象在給了我一個擁抱之后將它扯了下來，仿佛他正在地獄里的一場滑稽戲表演中。

This was not the man I married.

這不是和我結(jié)婚那個男人。

The man I married walked into my apartment and found Pop-Tart crusts on my couch. I can still see his face, bewildered and big-eyed, pointing at the crusts as if to ask, “Do you see them, too?”

和我結(jié)婚的那個男人走進我的公寓時，在我的沙發(fā)上發(fā)現(xiàn)了一塊果醬圓餅碎屑。我至今還記得那張面對碎屑困惑地睜大了眼睛的臉，好像在問，“你也看見了的，是吧?”

I shrugged.

我聳了聳肩。

He sat on the sofa. It is my husband’s nature to accept me the way I am.

他在沙發(fā)上坐下了。接受我本來的樣子，是我丈夫的天性。

It is my nature to leave every cabinet and drawer open like a burglar. My superpower is balancing the most stuff on a bathroom sink. If I had my druthers, I would let cat puke dry on a carpet so it’s easier to scrape up. If druthers were things, and I had a coupon for druthers, I would stockpile them like Jell-O because you never know when you might need some druthers.

而我的天性是像強盜一樣，開著每個櫥柜和抽屜不關上。我的超能力是在衛(wèi)生間的水池上使盡可能多的東西保持平衡。如果我有機會選擇，我會選擇讓貓的嘔吐物在地毯上風干，這樣更易于把它們鏟起來。如果這些選擇的機會是實際存在的東西，并且我有購買機會的優(yōu)惠券，那我就會像屯果凍一樣屯好多，因為你不會知道自己什么時候會用得上它們。

But it is one thing to accept a slob for who she is; it is another to live with her.

但是，接受一個姑娘的邋遢是一回事，要和她同居又是另一回事了。

A year into our marriage, my husband said: “Would you mind keeping the dining room table clean? It’s the first thing I see when I come home.”

結(jié)婚一年后，我的丈夫說：“你介意把餐廳桌子保持干凈嗎?這是我回到家看到的第一個東西。”

What I heard was, “I want a divorce.” What I said was, “Do you want a divorce?”

我聽到的是，“我想離婚。”我說的是，“你想離婚嗎?”

“No,” he said. “I just want a clean table.”

“不是，”他說。“我只是想要一張干凈的桌子。”

I called my mother.

我打給了我的媽媽。

She asked, “What’s on the table?”

她問，“桌子上有什么?”

“Oh, everything. Whatever comes off my body when I come home. Shopping bags, food, coffee cups, mail. My coat.”

“哦，什么都有。我回到家要從身上取下的所有東西。購物袋、食物、咖啡杯、信件。我的大衣。”

“Your coat?”

“你的大衣?”

“So I don’t hang my coat in the closet — that makes me a terrible person? He knew who he was marrying. Why do I have to change?”

“我不就是沒把大衣掛在衣柜嗎——這就讓我成了一個糟糕的人?他知道自己是和誰結(jié)的婚。我為什么要改?”

She said: “Helen Michelle, for heaven’s sake, this is a problem that can be easily solved. Do you know what other married women deal with? Drunks, cheaters, poverty, men married to their Atari.”

她說：“海倫·米歇爾，看在上帝的份上，這是一個非常容易解決的問題。你知道別的夫妻都在解決什么問題嗎?酗酒、出軌、貧窮，還有那些和雅達利(Atari)游戲機結(jié)婚的男人。”

“Mama, there’s no such thing as Atari anymore.”

“媽媽，現(xiàn)在都沒有雅達利這個東西了。”

“Helen Michelle, some women would be beaten with a bag of oranges for sass talk like that. You married a saint. Clean the damned table.”

“海倫·米歇爾，有些女人要是像你這樣出言不遜的話是會被用一袋橘子打的。你是嫁給了一位圣人。把那該死的桌子清干凈。”

And so, to save my marriage, I taught myself to clean.

于是，為了挽救我的婚姻，我讓自己學會了如何搞衛(wèi)生。

Not knowing where to start, I knelt before the TV at the Church of Joan Crawford, who said, as Mildred Pierce, “Never leave one room without something for another.”

不知從何下手的我在電視機前的瓊·克勞馥(Joan Crawford)教堂跪下，她扮演的米爾德麗德·皮爾斯(Mildred Pierce)說，“離開一個房間去另一個時總要帶點什么。”

Yes, I’ll admit she had a temper, but she knew how to clean.

好吧，我承認她是有點兒脾氣，但她知道怎么打掃衛(wèi)生。

You scrub a floor on your hands and knees. You shake a can of Comet like a piggy bank. You hang your clothes in your closet a finger’s width apart. And, no, you do not have wire hangers. Ever.

地板要跪在地上擦;洗滌靈要像小豬存錢罐那樣搖;衣柜里的衣服間隔一指的寬度來掛;還有，不，你絕對不能用鐵絲衣架，永遠不能。

I have wooden hangers from the Container Store. They’re walnut and cost $7.99 for a pack of six. I bought them online because stepping into the Container Store, for me, is like stepping into a crack den. You’re an addict trying to organize your crack, and they’re selling you pretty boxes to put your crack in.

我上Container Store買了木質(zhì)衣架。核桃木的，7.99美元一套6個。我是在網(wǎng)上買的，因為要走進一家Container Store對我來說就像走進了吸毒屋。你是一個對整理毒品上癮的人，而他們正賣給你可以放可卡因的漂亮盒子。

Pretty boxes are crack, so now you have more crack. But wooden hangers are O.K. They’re like mimosas. Nobody’s going to OD on mimosas. Wooden hangers give you a boost of confidence. They make you feel rich and thin. They make a plain white shirt sexy. You promise yourself you’ll fill one closet, then you’ll quit.

漂亮的盒子就是毒品，這樣你現(xiàn)在就有更多的毒品了。但木質(zhì)衣架還行。它們就和含羞草一樣，沒有人會吸食羞草過量。木質(zhì)衣架能讓你的自信大漲，能讓你覺得自己有錢又苗條，能讓一件普通的白襯衣顯得性感。你答應自己，裝滿一個衣柜你就戒掉它。

But I didn’t quit. To keep my buzz going, I asked my husband if I could clean his closet.

但我沒有戒掉。為了讓自己保持興奮，我問丈夫我是否能清理他的衣柜。

He asked, “What does that mean?”

他問，“這是什么意思?”

I said: “Switch out your plastic hangers for wooden ones. What do you think I mean?”

我說：“把你的塑料衣架換成木頭的。還能什么意思?”

“I don’t know, something new for Saturday night?” He did the air quotes: “Clean my closet.”

“我不知道，給星期六的晚上找點新的事情做?”他在空中比了個引號：“清理我的衣柜。”

My new ways were so new he assumed I was making sexual advances. It’s understandable. So much dirty talk sounds hygienic: salad spinning and putting a tea bag on a saucer. It’s like Martha Stewart wrote Urban Dictionary.

我的新辦法太新了，以至于他還以為我是在給他性暗示?？梢岳斫?。那么多的下流情話聽起來都很衛(wèi)生：給沙拉菜脫水，把茶包放在茶托上。在線詞典Urban Dictionary簡直就是瑪莎·斯圖爾特(Martha Stewart)寫的。

My husband opened his closet and stepped aside. The man trusts me. I rehung his closet with military precision.

我的丈夫打開了他的衣柜，站到了一旁。這個男人是相信我的。我以軍人般的精準幫他重新掛好了他的衣柜。

He said, “I never knew it could be this good.”

他說，“我從來都不知道這樣可以這么棒。”

We kissed. And then I relapsed.

我們接吻。接著我又故態(tài)萌發(fā)了。

I don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was leaving the Dutch oven to soak overnight. Maybe it was tepeeing books on my desk like a bonfire. Maybe it was shucking my panties off like shoes. And then my coat fell off the dining room table. And I left it there because the cats were using it as a bed. There it stayed along with laundry, newspapers, restaurant leftovers (that never made it to the fridge) and Zappos returns.

我不知道這是如何發(fā)生的?；蛟S是因為我把荷蘭烤箱浸泡了一晚，或許是我書桌上摞成了帳篷似的書像一簇篝火，也或許是像脫鞋一樣脫內(nèi)褲的緣故。我的大衣又落回了餐桌上。我就把它這么放著了，因為我的貓把它當成了床。大衣就在那兒，和要洗的衣服、報紙、(沒能抵達冰箱的)餐館剩菜和要退回給網(wǎng)上商店Zappos的物品放在一起。

My husband played hopscotch, never uttering a word of contempt, seemingly O.K. to coast on the memory of a pristine home as if it had been a once-in-a-lifetime bucket-list thrill like white-water rafting or winning a Pulitzer. Sure, he could have put things away, but every closet except for his was bulging and breathing like portholes to other dimensions.

我丈夫像玩跳房子游戲一樣在房間里走動，從來沒說過一句輕蔑的話，像是把干凈的家的記憶當成了一個令人狂喜的千載難逢的遺愿實現(xiàn)時刻，類似于白水漂流或者獲得普利策獎。當然，他本可以把東西放好，只不過除了他自己的衣柜，其他柜子都鼓了起來，喘著氣，像輪船的舷窗。

I scared myself straight by binge-watching “Hoarders.” What do you mean that woman couldn’t claw her way through her grocery bag “collection” to give her husband CPR?

我在追看《囤積狂》(Hoarders)時把自己嚇壞了。那個女人無法從自己的購物袋“收藏”中爬過去，給丈夫做心肺復蘇——這是什么意思啊?

That was not going to happen to me. So I gave books I had read to libraries. Clothes I hadn’t worn in a year went to secondhand stores. I gave away the microwave because I can melt Velveeta on a stove.

這種事不會發(fā)生在我身上。所以，我把讀過的書捐給了圖書館;把一年沒穿的衣服送到了二手店;我把微波爐也送人了，因為我能在爐子上融化Velveeta牌奶酪。

And then came Marie Kondo’s book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” Or as I like to call it, “Surprise, You’re Still a Hoarder!”

然后，近藤麻理惠的《怦然心動的人生整理魔法》(The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up)出版了。我喜歡把它稱為：《沒想到吧?你依然是一個囤積狂!》

Her big question is, Does it spark joy?

她最重要的問題是，它會讓你開心嗎?

I took a harder look around my home and answered. Boxes of novel manuscripts that were never published did not spark joy. Designer shoes I bought at sample sales but never wore because they pinched my feet did not spark joy. My husband confessed that his inheritance of Greek doilies and paintings of fishing boats from his grandmother did not spark joy. So out it all went.

我更仔細地環(huán)顧著我的家，開始回答。那些從未發(fā)表的小說手稿箱不會讓我開心。我在樣品特賣時買的、但因為夾腳沒穿過的設計師潮鞋不會。我的丈夫承認，他從祖母那里繼承來的希臘裝飾襯墊和漁船油畫并不讓他開心。所以，它們都被清理出去了。

And what is left is us. And my husband is happier. I’m happier, too. Turns out I like a tidy house. And I like cleaning.

留下的是我們。我丈夫更高興了，我也更高興了;原來我喜歡整潔的家，而且我喜歡打掃。

Dusting is meditative. Boiling the fridge relieves PMS. Making the bed is my cardio, because to make a bed properly, you have to circle it like a shark. And all the while, I listen to audiobooks I would be too embarrassed to be caught reading. Not in the mood to clean a toilet? Listen to “Naked Came the Stranger” and see if that doesn’t pass the time.

除塵就像冥想。清洗冰箱能緩解經(jīng)前綜合癥。鋪床是我的有氧運動，因為要想把床鋪好，你就得像條鯊魚一樣圍著床轉(zhuǎn)。而且我一邊打掃，一邊聽那些我不好意思讓人發(fā)現(xiàn)我在讀的有聲書。沒心情打掃廁所?那就聽一聽《裸體陌生人來了》(Naked Came the Stranger)，看看它能否打發(fā)時間。

The downside is that my husband has created a monster. I burn through paper towels like an arsonist. My vacuum has a headlight, which for fun I joy ride in the dark. And I don’t do it in pearls and a crinoline skirt. It’s not unusual for me to wear an apron over my pajamas.

缺點是我丈夫創(chuàng)造了一個怪物。我像縱火犯一樣把紙巾都燒掉;我的吸塵器有個前燈，我在黑暗中騎著它玩樂;我打掃時不戴珍珠，不穿帶襯里的裙子;在睡衣外面系條圍裙是常有的事。

I say: “Hey, it’s me or the apartment. We can’t both be pristine.”

我說：“嘿，你要么選我，要么選公寓。我和公寓不可能都干凈。”

Without hesitation, my husband will always choose the apartment.

我丈夫會毫不猶豫地選公寓。

Sometimes, I invite him to join in my efforts, offering him the most awful tasks as if I’m giving him a treat. I’ll say, “I’m going to let you scoop the cat box,” or “I’m going to let you scrape the processed cheese out of the pan.”

有時，我邀請他跟我一起打掃，把最糟糕的活兒分給他，而且搞得像是我在給他恩惠。我會說，“我會把鏟貓砂的活兒讓給你”，或者“我會把清除鍋里燒糊的奶酪的活兒讓給你。”

My husband says, “You’re like a dominatrix Donna Reed.”

我丈夫說，“你就像施虐女王版的唐娜·里德[Donna Reed]。”

I say, “Take off your shirt and scrape the pan, dear.”

我說：“親愛的，脫掉你的襯衫，刮平底鍋。”

He takes off his shirt and scrapes the pan. In our 21 years together, my husband’s nature hasn’t changed.

他脫掉襯衫，刮起了平底鍋。在我們共同生活的21年里，我丈夫的本性沒有改變。

Me, I’m a recovering slob. Every day I have to remind myself to put the moisturizer back in the medicine cabinet, the cereal back in the cupboard and the trash out before the can overflows. I have to remind myself to hang my coat in the closet.

而我，是一個康復中的懶漢。每天，我必須提醒自己把保濕霜放回藥柜，把麥片放回櫥柜，在垃圾筒滿溢之前把垃圾倒掉。我必須提醒自己把外衣掛進衣櫥。

And when I accomplish all of this, I really do feel like a magician. Because now, when my husband comes home, the first thing he sees is me.

我做完所有這些時，真的覺得自己像個魔術師。因為現(xiàn)在，我丈夫回家時，最先看到的是我。