為什么誠實(shí)會(huì)讓你更快樂
過去幾個(gè)月里，我一直在記誠實(shí)日記。鑒于最近的新聞中有很多關(guān)于誠實(shí)的話題——你甚至可以說誠實(shí)迎來了文化上的敏感時(shí)刻——我也想反思一下自己的誠信情況。我六歲的女兒有一次告訴我，實(shí)話實(shí)說讓她覺得她的“腦袋里有金子”。提高我本人的誠實(shí)度，能激活我大腦中的愉悅中心嗎?
My plan was to jot down different instances throughout the day where I had to make a choice about honesty and notice how it felt.
我的計(jì)劃是，每天記錄自己必須做出與誠實(shí)有關(guān)的抉擇時(shí)所面臨的不同情況，并留意當(dāng)時(shí)的感覺。
The day I started the journal, the same 6-year-old daughter asked me during her bath if the cat really went to sleep last year, and if that actually meant that I had killed him. I rinsed her hair and sighed, wondering if I should wait to start this honesty project until my children were grown. But I braved it and told her that yes, I had made the choice for him to die, because he was suffering and I wanted him to be at peace. She lost interest about halfway through my explanation, which was O.K. with me.
開始記日記那天，六歲的女兒邊洗澡邊問我：那只貓去年真去睡覺了嗎，還是說那其實(shí)意味著我把貓殺了。我洗著她的頭發(fā)，嘆了口氣，暗自琢磨是不是該推遲誠實(shí)計(jì)劃的實(shí)施，直到我的孩子們長大一些。但我鼓足勇氣告訴她，沒錯(cuò)，我替貓咪做出了離開這個(gè)世界的決定，因?yàn)樗馐苷勰ィ蚁Ｍ軌虬蚕?。我剛解釋到大約一半，她就失去了興趣，我松了口氣。
It struck me that the choice to lie or be honest was often a choice between two equally undesirable things. Telling my daughter the truth did not make me happier, but lying wouldn’t have either.
我猛然驚覺，撒謊和說真話二選一，常常意味著在兩個(gè)同樣糟糕的選項(xiàng)之間做出選擇。告訴女兒事實(shí)不能讓我更快樂，撒謊也不能。
A bigger opportunity arose with my 8-year-old son. Though he didn’t know anything about the journal, after a few weeks, he seemed to open up in a new way, asking me things he was too embarrassed or scared to ask before, like what the word “pimp” meant and why people kill themselves. In fact, one of my biggest takeaways was that we shouldn’t lie to children when they are asking us about grown-up words or ideas — otherwise, they will just ask Siri. If it’s between YouTube and me to explain prostitution, I pick me.
八歲的兒子給我?guī)砹烁蟮臋C(jī)會(huì)。他對(duì)誠實(shí)日記毫不知情，但幾周后，他似乎以新的方式敞開了心扉，會(huì)把以前因?yàn)樘珜擂位蛱ε露鴽]問過的問題拋給我，例如“皮條客”(pimp)這個(gè)詞是什么意思，為什么人們會(huì)自殺。事實(shí)上，我的一大發(fā)現(xiàn)是，當(dāng)孩子問及成人用語或成人觀念時(shí)，我們不應(yīng)該撒謊——否則他們就會(huì)去問Siri。如果非得由我或YouTube來詮釋賣淫的含義，我寧愿自己來。
Still, I wondered about those little lies we tell to avoid hurting people’s feelings. Researchers at the University of California San Diego Emotion Lab are looking at “prosocial” lies — the white lies we tell to benefit others, like telling an aspiring writer their story is great because you want to be nice and encourage them, when in reality you know it needs work and will meet rejection. A recent study at the lab suggests that we are more likely to tell a prosocial lie when we feel compassion toward someone, because if you feel bad for someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them with the truth. These lies feel better in the short term, but they often do more harm than good in the long. After all, the brutal truth can be painful, but people need to know it if they are to improve their performance, especially in a work or school situation.
但我仍對(duì)我們?yōu)榱吮苊鈧e人的感情而撒的那些小謊感到好奇。加州大學(xué)圣地亞哥情緒實(shí)驗(yàn)室(University of California San Diego Emotion Lab)的研究人員，正聚焦于“親社會(huì)”謊言——也就是我們?yōu)榱死龅男≈e，比如告訴想成為作家的人們，他們寫的故事很精彩，因?yàn)槟阆胍憩F(xiàn)出友好態(tài)度并鼓勵(lì)他們，但實(shí)際上你知道那些作品還不完善，會(huì)遭到拒絕。該實(shí)驗(yàn)室最近的一項(xiàng)研究顯示，當(dāng)我們同情某人時(shí)，更有可能說出親社會(huì)謊言，因?yàn)槿绻覀優(yōu)槟橙烁械诫y過，最不愿意做的事情就是用真相傷害他們。短期來看，這些謊言會(huì)讓人感覺良好，但假以時(shí)日，它們?cè)斐傻膫?huì)大于它們帶來的好處。畢竟，殘酷的真相雖然傷人，但如果他們想要改善自身表現(xiàn)的話，尤其是在職場上或?qū)W校里，人們需要知道真相。
But was brutal truth what I really wanted when it came to my marriage?
不過，如果涉及的是我的婚姻，我真的想要?dú)埧岬恼嫦鄦?
My focus on honesty at times did lead to better interactions with my husband. When theNew York Times Magazine article about open marriage came out, for example, it sparked my curiosity. Since I was keeping an honesty journal, rather than keeping it to myself, as I would have done in the past, my husband and I had an honest discussion about it. Other times, the compulsion to be honest strained things between us. That I disagree with some of his parenting techniques doesn’t necessarily need to be pointed out every single time. I came to realize that, within relationships, there is a third category between dishonesty and telling white lies, called not sharing everything.
專注于誠實(shí)有時(shí)的確會(huì)讓我和我丈夫之間的交流得到改善。例如，當(dāng)《紐約時(shí)報(bào)雜志》(New York Times Magazine)登出關(guān)于開放式婚姻的文章時(shí)，我的好奇心被激發(fā)了出來。由于正在記誠實(shí)日記，我沒像以往那樣獨(dú)自琢磨，而是和丈夫就此進(jìn)行了開誠布公的討論。另外一些時(shí)候，說實(shí)話的沖動(dòng)只會(huì)讓我們的關(guān)系變得緊張。我不認(rèn)同他的育兒技巧這種實(shí)話，沒必要次次都說。我意識(shí)到，在伴侶之間，除了坦誠相待和撒些善意的小謊，還有另一種相處方式，那就是不要無話不談。
Over all, I found that I struggled more with the small instances of honesty, rather than the big. So, when a client accidentally paid me twice for a project — sending a duplicate $1,000 check a week after they’d already paid me — there was no internal debate. It was $1,000, so obviously, I notified the client. But when the McDonald’s drive-thru cashier gave me an extra dollar in change and the line had been SO long and all I wanted was a Diet Coke and my kids were acting crazy in the back seat and why was this stupid McDonald’s always so slow anyway?! . . . it was a different story. Even though I gave the dollar back, I almost didn’t, because an extra dollar was such a small thing and seemed somehow justified. Had I not been focused on honesty, I’m not sure I would have given it back.
總體而言，我發(fā)現(xiàn)比起大事上的誠實(shí)，小事上的誠實(shí)會(huì)讓我的內(nèi)心更為掙扎。當(dāng)客戶不小心為一個(gè)項(xiàng)目付了兩次款時(shí)——在付款一周后又發(fā)來一張1000美元支票——我根本沒有思來想去。這是1000美元，如此顯而易見，我通知了客戶。但換成麥當(dāng)勞的得來速窗口收銀員多找了我1美元，而且窗口前排了那么長的隊(duì)，我只不過要喝健怡可樂，我的孩子們?cè)诤笞萧[翻了天，再說笨蛋麥當(dāng)勞為什么總這么慢?!……可就是另外一回事了。雖然把1美元還了回去，但我差一點(diǎn)兒就不想還了，因?yàn)槎嗄?美元是非常小的一件事，何況在某種程度上還情有可原。如果不是正專注于誠實(shí)，我不確定是否會(huì)歸還這1美元。
My experience was consistent with what behavioral economist Dan Ariely wrote about in his 2012 book The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty. His research showed that we fudge the truth by about 10 percent or so. We cheat when we are fairly certain we can get away with it, but just by a little, and about things we can justify. We do it more if we see other people doing it. We do it less if we are reminded to be honest. My journal pointed these instances out to me rather starkly.
我的經(jīng)歷與行為經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)家丹·阿雷利(Dan Ariely)在2012年的《不誠實(shí)的誠實(shí)真相》(The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty)一書中所寫的內(nèi)容相契合。他的研究顯示，我們會(huì)捏造10%左右的事實(shí)。如果相當(dāng)確定不會(huì)被逮到，我們便會(huì)撒謊，但只是撒一點(diǎn)兒情有可原的小謊。如果看到其他人在撒謊，我們會(huì)較多地說謊話。如果被提醒做人要誠實(shí)，我們較少地說謊話。在我的日記里可以相當(dāng)清楚地看到這些情況。
I also quickly came to realize that the Facebook version of Judi Ketteler, whose life was so together and children so well behaved, was a very particular version of me, a notion explored by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz in his book Everybody Lies. Dr. Davidowitz, a data scientist, tackles the discrepancy between the ideal version of ourselves we present to the world via social media and the often-miserable confessions we make to Google as we search for the things we would never post in a status update. My social media self wasn’t a lie, but if I was going to focus on truly honest behavior, it seemed better not to indulge too much — hence, I pulled way back from posting on Facebook.
我還很快意識(shí)到，F(xiàn)acebook上那個(gè)生活美滿、子女乖巧的朱迪·凱特勒(Judi Ketteler)，只代表著我的一面——賽斯·斯蒂芬斯-大衛(wèi)德維茨(Seth Stephens-Davidowitz)在《人人都會(huì)說謊》(Everybody Lies)一書中對(duì)這種觀點(diǎn)進(jìn)行了探討。數(shù)據(jù)科學(xué)家大衛(wèi)德維茨所探究的是，我們通過社交媒體向外界呈現(xiàn)的理想化自我，與常常頗為糟糕的實(shí)情之間的差異——由我們輸入谷歌搜索引擎的關(guān)鍵詞揭示出來的實(shí)情，絕不會(huì)被我們寫進(jìn)狀態(tài)更新里。我通過社交媒體呈現(xiàn)的自我并不是一個(gè)謊言，但如果要專注于真正誠實(shí)的行事方式，似乎最好別太沉迷于社交媒體——因此，我大幅減少了在Facebook上發(fā)的帖子。
Even though honesty felt like a struggle, I started to like how it felt. Research from the University of Notre Dame has shown that when people consciously stopped telling lies, including white lies, for 10 weeks, they had fewer physical ailments (like headaches) and fewer mental health complaints (like symptoms of depression) than a control group that did not focus on honesty.
誠實(shí)做人像是一場戰(zhàn)斗，但我開始喜歡上了誠實(shí)的感覺。美國圣母大學(xué)(University of Notre Dame)的研究顯示，當(dāng)人們?cè)谑畟€(gè)星期里有意識(shí)地停止說謊話時(shí)——其中包括善意的謊言——他們罹患的身體病痛(如頭疼)以及對(duì)心理健康的抱怨，都少于未專注于誠實(shí)的對(duì)照組。
When people were more honest, they also tended to feel better about their relationships and social interactions, the researchers found. This rang true for me, mostly because I felt better about myself. I like the saying, “Everybody wants the truth, but nobody wants to be honest.” I didn’t always want to be honest. But I wanted the truth, and this focus on honesty helped me feel that I was doing my part.
研究人員還發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)人們更誠實(shí)時(shí)，他們往往對(duì)自己與伴侶的關(guān)系以及自己的社會(huì)交往有更好的感覺。對(duì)我而言真是如此，主要是因?yàn)槲业淖晕腋杏X變好了。我喜歡那句老話，“人人都想要真相，但沒人愿意說實(shí)話”。我以前并非總愿意說實(shí)話。但我想要真相，而這種對(duì)誠實(shí)的專注讓我覺得，我正在出自己的一份力。
The bottom line is that focusing on honesty is a way to actively engage with the world, versus passively complain about it. It might even make you feel like you have gold in your brain.
最重要的是，專注于誠實(shí)能讓人積極地與外界溝通，而不是消極地抱怨世界。這樣做或許還會(huì)讓你覺得自己的腦袋里有金子。
