為什么承認錯誤這么難
不管你的意愿如何強烈，又做出多大努力，這是不可避免的：在生命的某個時候，你會犯錯。
Mistakes can be hard to digest, so sometimes we double down rather than face them. Our confirmation bias kicks in, causing us to seek out evidence to prove what we already believe. The car you cut off has a small dent in its bumper, which obviously means that it is the other driver’s fault.
錯誤難以消化，所以我們有時會孤注一擲，而非面對它們。這時候，我們在確認事務的認知上會有偏誤，導致我們尋求證據來證明自己已有的信念。比如，被你加塞擋在后面的車的保險杠上有一個小凹痕，這顯然意味著是那個司機的錯。
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance — the stress we experience when we hold two contradictory thoughts, beliefs, opinions or attitudes. For example, you might believe you are a kind and fair person, so when you rudely cut someone off, you experience dissonance. To cope with it, you deny your mistake and insist the other driver should have seen you, or you had the right of way even if you didn’t.
心理學家稱之為認知失調，即當我們持有兩種相互沖突的想法、信念、觀點或態(tài)度時所感受的壓力。比如，你可能認為自己是個善良、公正的人，那么當你粗暴地加塞到其他人前面時，便會經歷這種失調。為了應對它，你會否認自己的錯誤，堅稱那個司機本該看見你，或你有先行權，盡管事實并非如此。
“Cognitive dissonance is what we feel when the self-concept — I’m smart, I’m kind, I’m convinced this belief is true — is threatened by evidence that we did something that wasn’t smart, that we did something that hurt another person, that the belief isn’t true,” said Carol Tavris, a co-author of the book “Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me).”
“認識失調是我們在自我認知——我是聰明、善良的，我堅信這是真的——受到證據挑戰(zhàn)時產生的感受，這些證據顯示我們做了不聰明的、傷害其他人的事，證明我們之前的想法是錯的，”《錯不在我》[Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)]一書的作者之一卡羅爾·塔夫里斯(Carol Tavris)說。
She added that cognitive dissonance threatened our sense of self.
她還表示，認知失調威脅到了我們的自我感知。
“To reduce dissonance, we have to modify the self-concept or accept the evidence,” Ms. Tavris said. “Guess which route people prefer?”
“為了消除這種失調，我們必須修正自我認知，或接受面前的證據，”塔夫里斯說。“猜猜人們愿意選哪條路?”
Or maybe you cope by justifying your mistake. The psychologist Leon Festinger suggested the theory of cognitive dissonance in the 1950s when he studied a small religious group that believed a flying saucer would rescue its members from an apocalypse on Dec. 20, 1954. Publishing his findings in the book “When Prophecy Fails,” he wrote that the group doubled down on its belief and said God had simply decided to spare the members, coping with their own cognitive dissonance by clinging to a justification.
或許你會為自己的錯誤去辯解，以此作為應對。心理學家利昂·費斯廷格(Leon Festinger) 在上世紀50年代提出了認知失調理論，當時他研究了一個小型宗教團體，該團體認為飛碟能在1954年12月20日世界末日來臨時拯救其信眾。他在發(fā)表這項研究發(fā)現的《預言破滅時》(When Prophecy Fails)一書中寫道，這個團體進一步強化了自己的信仰，稱上帝只是決定饒其成員一命，這是通過死死抓住一種解釋來應對自己的認知失調。
“Dissonance is uncomfortable and we are motivated to reduce it,” Ms. Tavris said.
“失調讓人不適，我們會想要消除它，”塔夫里斯說。
When we apologize for being wrong, we have to accept this dissonance, and that is unpleasant. On the other hand, research has shown that it can feel good to stick to our guns. One study, published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, found that people who refused to apologize after a mistake had more self-esteem and felt more in control and powerful than those who did not refuse.
當我們?yōu)殄e誤道歉，就必須接受這種失調，那是令人不快的。另一方面，研究顯示固執(zhí)地堅持自己的觀點則讓會人感覺良好。一項發(fā)表于《歐洲社會心理學雜志》(European Journal of Social Psychology)的研究發(fā)現，相比于不拒絕道歉的人，犯錯后拒絕道歉的人自尊心更強，也會感覺自己更有掌控力、更強大。
“In a way, apologies give power to their recipients,” said Tyler Okimoto, an author of the study. “For example, apologizing to my wife admits my wrongdoing; but apologizing also gives her the power to choose whether she wants to alleviate my shame through forgiveness, or increase my shame by holding a grudge. Our research has found that people experience a short-term increase in their feelings of personal power and control after refusing to apologize.”
“從某種程度講，道歉是把力量交給了接受道歉的一方，”這項研究的作者泰勒·沖本(Tyler Okimoto)說。“比如，向妻子道歉等于承認我的錯誤;但道歉也讓她有權選擇是否通過原諒來減輕我的恥辱感，還是心懷怨念繼而加重我的羞恥感。我們的研究發(fā)現，在拒絕道歉之后，人們的力量感和控制感會在短時間內上升。”
Feeling powerful may be an attractive short-term benefit, but there are long-term consequences. Refusing to apologize could potentially jeopardize “the trust on which a relationship is based,” Mr. Okimoto said, adding that it can extend conflict and encourage outrage or retaliation.
短期看，感覺強大或許是一個有吸引力的好處，但它也會帶來長期的后果。拒絕道歉可能會危及“一段關系賴以存在的信任”，沖本說。他還表示，它會擴大沖突，容易引發(fā)憤怒情緒或招致報復。
When you refuse to admit your mistakes, you are also less open to constructive criticism, experts said, which can help hone skills, rectify bad habits and improve yourself over all.
專家們表示，當你拒絕承認自己的錯誤時，你對建設性批評的開放心態(tài)也會減弱，而后者有利于磨練技能，修正錯誤的習慣和從整體上提升自我。
“We cling to old ways of doing things, even when new ways are better and healthier and smarter. We cling to self-defeating beliefs long past their shelf life,” Ms. Tavris said. “And we make our partners, co-workers, parents and kids really, really mad at us.”
“我們固守已有的處事方式，盡管新方式更好，更健康，更明智。我們堅持那些早已過時、難以自圓的觀點，”塔夫里斯說。“我們讓自己的伴侶、同事、父母和孩子感到非常惱火。”
Another study, from the Stanford researchers Carol Dweck and Karina Schumann, found that subjects were more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes when they believed they had the power to change their behavior. This is easier said than done, though, so how exactly do you change your behavior and learn to embrace your mistakes?
斯坦福大學研究者卡蘿爾·德韋克(Carol Dweck)和卡林娜·舒曼(Karina Schumann)的另一項研究發(fā)現，人們在相信自己有能力改變自己的行為時，更可能為自己的錯誤承擔責任。不過，這個說起來容易，做起來難，所以你到底該如何改變自己的行為，學會接受自己的錯誤呢?
The first step is to recognize cognitive dissonance in action. Your mind will go to great lengths to preserve your sense of identity, so it helps to be aware of what that dissonance feels like. Typically, it manifests as confusion, stress, embarrassment or guilt. Those feelings do not necessarily mean you are in the wrong, but you can at least use them as reminders to explore the situation from an impartial perspective and objectively question whether you are at fault.
第一步是意識到行動上的認知失調。你的思想會竭盡全力維持你的一致感，所以，了解失調的感覺是怎樣的會有所幫助。通常情況下，失調感的表現是迷惑、壓力、尷尬或愧疚。這些感受不一定都意味著你有過失，但你至少可以用它們來提醒自己公正地思考當時的情況，客觀地詢問自己是否有錯。
Similarly, learn to recognize your usual justifications and rationalizations. Think of a time you were wrong and knew it, but tried to justify it instead. Remember how it felt to rationalize your behavior and pinpoint that feeling as cognitive dissonance the next time it happens.
同樣地，你還要意識到你通常會怎樣為自己的行為辯解。想想過去的一個例子：你做了錯事，也知道自己錯了，卻還努力辯解。記住你為自己的行為辯解時的感覺，下次再出現這種感覺時，能意識到它就是認知失調的感覺。
Mr. Okimoto said it also helped to remember that people were often more forgiving than you might think. Traits like honesty and humility make you more human and therefore more relatable. On the flip side, if it is undeniably clear that you are in the wrong, refusing to apologize reveals low self-confidence.
沖本表示，記住人們往往比你以為的更寬容這一點可能有所幫助。誠實和謙遜等品質讓你更有人情味，也因此更易親切。另一方面，如果你毫無疑問是過錯方，那么拒絕道歉反而會顯得你不夠自信。
“If it is clear to everybody that you made a mistake,” Mr. Okimoto said, “digging your heels in actually shows people your weakness of character rather than strength.”
“如果大家都明顯看出你做了錯事，”沖本說，“拒不道歉實際上會暴露出你的性格弱點，而不是優(yōu)點。”
