As I anticipated, the ambassador occasions me infinite annoyance. He is the most punctilious blockhead under heaven. He does everything step by step, with the trifling minuteness of an old woman; and he is a man whom it is impossible to please, because he is never pleased with himself. I like to do business regularly and cheerfully, and, when it is finished, to leave it. But he constantly returns my papers to me, saying, “They will do,” but recommending me to look over them again, as “one may always improve by using a better word or a more appropriate particle.” I then lose all patience, and wish myself at the devil’s. Not a conjunction, not an adverb, must be omitted: he has a deadly antipathy to all those transpositions of which I am so fond; and, if the music of our periods is not tuned to the established, official key, he cannot comprehend our meaning. It is deplorable to be connected with such a fellow.
My acquaintance with the Count C— is the only compensation for such an evil. He told me frankly, the other day, that he was much displeased with the difficulties and delays of the ambassador; that people like him are obstacles, both to themselves and to others. “But,” added he, “one must submit, like a traveller who has to ascend a mountain: if the mountain was not there, the road would be both shorter and pleasanter; but there it is, and he must get over it.”
The old man perceives the count’s partiality for me: this annoys him, and, he seizes every opportunity to depreciate the count in my hearing. I naturally defend him, and that only makes matters worse. Yesterday he made me indignant, for he also alluded to me. “The count,” he said, “is a man of the world, and a good man of business: his style is good, and he writes with facility; but, like other geniuses, he has no solid learning.” He looked at me with an expression that seemed to ask if I felt the blow. But it did not produce the desired effect: I despise a man who can think and act in such a manner. However, I made a stand, and answered with not a little warmth. The count, I said, was a man entitled to respect, alike for his character and his acquirements. I had never met a person whose mind was stored with more useful and extensive knowledge,—who had, in fact, mastered such an infinite variety of subjects, and who yet retained all his activity for the details of ordinary business. This was altogether beyond his comprehension; and I took my leave, lest my anger should be too highly excited by some new absurdity of his.
And you are to blame for all this, you who persuaded me to bend my neck to this yoke by preaching a life of activity to me. If the man who plants vegetables, and carries his corn to town on market-days, is not more usefully employed than I am, then let me work ten years longer at the galleys to which I am now chained.
Oh, the brilliant wretchedness, the weariness, that one is doomed to witness among the silly people whom we meet in society here! The ambition of rank! How they watch, how they toil, to gain precedence! What poor and contemptible passions are displayed in their utter nakedness! We have a woman here, for example, who never ceases to entertain the company with accounts of her family and her estates. Any stranger would consider her a silly being, whose head was turned by her pretensions to rank and property; but she is in reality even more ridiculous, the daughter of a mere magistrate’s clerk from this neighbourhood. I cannot understand how human beings can so debase themselves.
Every day I observe more and more the folly of judging of others by ourselves; and I have so much trouble with myself, and my own heart is in such constant agitation, that I am well content to let others pursue their own course, if they only allow me the same privilege.
What provokes me most is the unhappy extent to which distinctions of rank are carried. I know perfectly well how necessary are inequalities of condition, and I am sensible of the advantages I myself derive therefrom; but I would not have these institutions prove a barrier to the small chance of happiness which I may enjoy on this earth.
I have lately become acquainted with a Miss B—, a very agreeable girl, who has retained her natural manners in the midst of artificial life. Our first conversation pleased us both equally; and, at taking leave, I requested permission to visit her. She consented in so obliging a manner, that I waited with impatience for the arrival of the happy moment. She is not a native of this place, but resides here with her aunt. The countenance of the old lady is not prepossessing. I paid her much attention, addressing the greater part of my conversation to her; and, in less than half an hour, I discovered what her niece subsequently acknowledged to me, that her aged aunt, having but a small fortune, and a still smaller share of understanding, enjoys no satisfaction except in the pedigree of her ancestors, no protection save in her noble birth, and no enjoyment but in looking from her castle over the heads of the humble citizens. She was, no doubt, handsome in her youth, and in her early years probably trifled away her time in rendering many a poor youth the sport of her caprice: in her riper years she has submitted to the yoke of a veteran officer, who, in return for her person and her small independence, has spent with her what we may designate her age of brass. He is dead; and she is now a widow, and deserted. She spends her iron age alone, and would not be approached, except for the loveliness of her niece.
公使給了我許多煩惱,這是我預(yù)料到的。像他似的吹毛求疵的傻瓜,世上找不出第二個。一板一眼,啰里啰唆,活像個老太婆;他這人從來沒有滿意自己的時候,因此誰也甭想多會兒能稱他的心。我喜歡的可是干事爽快麻利,是怎樣就怎樣;他呢,卻有本事把文稿退還給我,說什么“文章嘛寫得倒挺好,不過您不妨再看看,每看一遍總可以找到一個更漂亮的句子,一個更適合的小品詞”?!@真叫我氣得要死。任何一個“和”,任何一個連詞,你都甭想省去;我偶爾不經(jīng)意用了幾個倒裝句,他都拼命反對;要是你竟把他那些長套句換了調(diào)調(diào),他更會擺出一副完全摸不著頭腦的樣子,和這樣一個人打交道,真叫受罪啊。
只有C伯爵的信任,才給我以安慰。最近他開誠布公地告訴我,他對我這位公使的拖沓與多疑也很不滿?!斑@種人不僅自討苦吃,也給人家添麻煩。不過,”他說,“我們必須聽天由命。這就像旅行者不得不翻一座山,這座山要是不存在,路走起來自然舒坦得多,也短得多;可它既然已經(jīng)存在,那你就必須翻過去!”
我那老頭子心里明白,比起他來伯爵更器重我。他對此十分生氣,一抓住機會就當著我的面講伯爵的壞話;我呢,自然便要為伯爵辯護,這一來事情只會更糟。昨天我簡直叫他惹火了,因為他下面的一席話,捎帶著把我也給罵了進去。他說,伯爵處理起事務(wù)來還算行,非常干練,筆頭嘛也來得,可就是缺少淵博的學(xué)識,跟所有文人一樣。講這話時,他那副神氣仿佛在問:“怎么樣,刺痛你了吧?”我才不吃這一套哩;我鄙視一個像這樣思想和行動的人,便與他針鋒相對,毫不讓步。我道,無論品性或是學(xué)識,伯爵都是位理應(yīng)受到尊重的人。“在我所有相識者中,”我說,“沒有誰像他那樣心胸開闊,見多識廣,同時又精于日常事務(wù)的。”——我這話在老頭子無異于對牛彈琴;為了避免閑扯下去再找氣慪,我就告辭了。
瞧,全都怪你們不是。是你們嘮嘮叨叨,勸我來戴上了這副重軛,成天價在我耳邊念“要有所作為呀”,“要有所作為呀”。要有所作為!如果一個種出馬鈴薯來運進城去賣的農(nóng)民,他不就已經(jīng)比我更有作為的話,我也甘愿在眼下這條囚禁我的苦役船上再受十年罪。
還有那班麇集此間的小市民們的虛偽與無聊!他們是如此斤斤計較等級,無時無刻不在瞅著搶到別人前頭去一步的機會,以致這種最可悲、最低下的欲望,竟表現(xiàn)得赤裸裸的。比如有一個女人,她逢人便講她的貴族血統(tǒng)和領(lǐng)地,使每個不諳內(nèi)情者都只能當她是白癡,要不怎么會神經(jīng)失常,把自己那點兒貴族的血液和世襲的領(lǐng)地竟看得如此了不起。——更糟糕的是,這個女的偏偏只是本地一名書記官的千金?!前?,我真不明白這類人,他們怎么竟如此沒有廉恥。
不過,好朋友,我一天比一天看得更加清楚,以自己去衡量別人是很愚蠢的。何況我本身有的是傷腦筋的事兒,我這顆心真叫不平靜呵——唉,我真樂于讓人家走人家的路,只要他們也讓我走自己的路就成。
最令我惱火的是市民階層的可悲處境。盡管我和任何人一樣,也清楚了解等級差別是必要的,它甚至還給我本人帶來了不少好處,可是,它卻偏偏又妨礙著我,使我不能享受這世界上僅存的一點點歡樂,一星星幸福。最近,我在散步時認識了封·B小姐;她是一位在眼前的迂腐環(huán)境中仍不失其自然天性的可愛姑娘。我和她談得十分投機,臨別時請她允許我上她家去看她。她大大方方地答應(yīng)了,使我更加急不可耐地等著約定的時間到來。她并非本地人,住的是一位姑母家里。老太太的長相我一見就不喜歡,但仍然對她十分敬重,多數(shù)時間都在和她周旋??墒遣坏桨胄r,我便摸清了她的底細,而事后封·B小姐也向我承認了。原來親愛的姑媽老來事事不如意,既無一筆符合身份的產(chǎn)業(yè),也無智慧和可依靠的人,有的只是一串祖先的名字和可資憑借的貴族地位,而她唯一的消遣,就是從她的樓上俯視腳下的市民的腦袋。據(jù)說她年輕時倒是很俊俏的,只是由于行事太詭,才毀了自己的一生,開始一意孤行,把不少倒霉的小青年折磨得夠嗆;后來上了幾分年紀,就只好屈就一位軟耳根的軍官啦。此人以這個代價和一筆勉強夠用的生活費,和她一道度過了那些艱辛的歲月。隨后他就一命嗚呼,丟下了她孤零零一個人,眼下的日子同樣艱辛。要不是她那外甥女如此可愛的話,誰還高興來瞅她一瞅啊。
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